The whole week passed by in fury, in hurry. Performed my contemp dance not once, but twice on the same week. Once on Monday, and once yesterday. And also the fan dance.
Lots of last minute information and changes; atrium floor not available for our 2nd contemp performance, and we had to make do with the stage which is less than half the size of the floor, while risking throwing ourselves down the stage every leap we made. And our fan dance too, had to be performed on an outdoor make-shift carpeted stage that was wobbly and had gaps we might accidently stick our toes in, with a weakly-supported windshield that almost fell onto us when the wind blew from behind during one of our last-minute practice session. Good thing we crawled and ran away in time before the whole thing came crashing onto the ground we had been just a few seconds earlier.
We braced through everything, though surely, with flaws and a little something here and there, but still with multitude of praises and gratitude along the way. However this was when I thought, that's enough for now. I've had enough of dance performances for now. I needed rest. Badly needed a rest. My body hurt like hell, it felt as though I was ran over by a truck ten times. There were bruises all over my legs, shoulders and backside, and my wrist hurt cuz I used it all the time to absorb the momentum of my fall when I slammed myself onto the ground. My toes were peeled and scratched from all that pointing and pirouetting on barefoot...
Yes indeed, it was fun, learning new dances, facing up to new challenges. But I'm tired. Not that I don't enjoy dancing anymore, but I have to be rational. There is always a limit to everything, I had learnt. Much as I wanted to take every single opportunity I get to do whatever I love, there are other duties of mine that I couldn't neglect. No, I don't mind the pain, I could stand way worse. No I don't mind the challenge, it helped me learn even more.
It was the consequences that distresses me. Like neglecting my studies. Like my deteriorating health...
There are some things that come before passion, and those, are called priorities. I've learnt.
I'm a first year medical student. not a dancer, not a performer, not a charity worker... And I should know my priorities...
So long for now, imma gonna take a break from all these for the timebeing. Till I set everything right again. Don't worry, I'm not gonna stop or give up on dancing. Never. I'm just resting and regenerating, for the long journey ahead.. *winks* (Indeed, my dance journey's gonna be a real long, slow-progressing one. You'll gonna have the patience if you wanna walk with me...! =p)
Neways, I'll leave you with...
Memories! It was really nice dancing with you all... ^_^
Contemporary. Not something I had ever dreamt of doing.
But due to unforseen circumstances, I am struggling on a contemporary piece with nada basics at all to start with, and with a deadline looming just a week ahead. Merely a week to get a genre that is totally strange to me presentable for performance, omg, I FEEL the pressure the dancers experienced in SYTYCD. But if this is SYTYCD, I confirm GG dy.
One main lesson learnt about contemp --- You gotta immerse yourself into the dance. Feel the music, move with the flow, express the feelings and tell the story with your body. For contemp, YOU DANCE WITH YOUR ENTIRE BODY. Forget about body isolation. Certainly a new challenge for me, as one who is so used to being in the restricted frame of latin ballroom dance.
Worst still, we gotta practically 'throw' ourselves all over the dancefloor. Dear me, the bruises. Imagine jumping up high in the air, spin the other way, and land with your backside on the hard floor. Imagine running and throwing yourself face-down onto the floor, and then have another person land on top of you. Imagine 'crawling' on the floor with your hands. And there are the triple pirouettes. Omg, pirouettes. One thing I had never done before in my life, nor had I imagined myself doing... to be learnt in a week's time. Not a single pirouette, but a triple pirouette complete with another normal spin and finishing it off by dropping down onto the ground. Oh my my my... T.T
The whole process spelt H-A-R-D-S-H-I-P. And to top it off, it clashed with MEDTCH110 orientation, where I was supposed to be Orientation Officer for Group 9. And there was this special CNY function for IMU staff and lecturers, in which we were again, asked to perform our fan dance. Never knew that dance could be so in demand! And so, practically, I was up and about most of the time; practising my contemp, practising fan dance, running about with the juniors, having late night supper with my group... Tiring, and at times, I just wish to get some rest for my weary body and mind...
CNY is going to end soon. And I seriously don't wish it to. For one main reason, you'll be gone after CNY. Back to where you were supposed to be, to get on with a life you were supposed to live.
But you know what? We were supposed to be together too. Supposed to be by each other's side...
But why do we have to end up like this?
Visited my Sifu during the forth day of CNY, just as I did last CNY. Time flies yea? It seems like just yesterday that I was there, playing with her little doggie and chatting away, and now again I am there, and a year had already passed.
And yes I noticed, we both grew. Not so much physically, but mentally. A year could really change a lot of things. And it was indeed a rough year for both of us, which I came to know as we shared stories. For more than 3 hours we talked on, about stories of life, of love, and most of all, dance. There was a lot of emo talk when it came to dance politics and some certain people.
For one, Sifu told me about more betrayals and unappreciative students. People who left, people who were greedy, people who betrayed trusts, people who take advantages of empathy and kindness, people who did not know how to appreciate good deed done for them... And throughout the conversation, I realized that Sifu had became a much much stronger woman than before. I remember when I first met her more than two years ago, she was this innocent, carefree, bubbly, cute personality that loves to help and give selflessly, always thinking of others more than herself, happy and contented, living life like a little princess in her very own fairy tale.
I guess that was then. Before she was forced to face the ugliness of the world, before she had to learn that life was never a fairy tale and people who are too good are usually the ones who got hurt the most. In a way, I'm glad she learnt. I'm glad she changed, hardened her heart, so as to protect herself from getting hurt over and over again. Glad that she finally realized, and that in future, hopefully she would not be scarred as she was before. For I love her, and wish her to be happy. But then again, I'm also furious, furious at the people and the world, for forcing her into this change.
You see, if not for them, she wouldn't have had to change at all. And I do miss her old self, loads.
But at least, she forgave. She did not lock herself up in the prison of an unforgiving heart. Instead, she learnt, and moved on. For that, I'm really proud of her. ^_^
Guess I gotta buck up and move on too. CNY is ending, uni is starting. You are leaving, life without you is starting. Dance is reducing, schoolwork is increasing. There's always a wonderful balance in this world isn't it? For everything lost, there are things replacing. For every end, there is a beginning.
And hopefully, for the better. Yupz, together, let us hope for the better!!!
It's CNY and I'm back in Ipoh. The past week was a blur of colours; lectures, performances, celebrations... all these flew by so fast I couldn't even keep track of them. A very happening week, I would say. A tightly-packed schedule, a three-day-long CNY celebration, two dance performances, a birthday celebration, and a journey HOME!!! ^_^
I'll leave CNY happenings for later, as this is a dance diary, and I should focus more on ahem... dance. So the week started with lots and lots of practise, and late dinners. By about 9pm on Tuesday night when we were still training Latin, I was already very much exhausted. It wasn't easy to juggle two dances at one time, both so demanding in different aspects. For Latin I need to have high flexibility, speed and sharpness. For fan dance, I need to have good control of the fan, strength and musicality...
What's more, our Latin Dance performance was on Wednesday, and by Tuesday still, we were tired and aching, having difficulties executing stunts, as well as keeping up with the timing. My spins were wobbly, and our dance lacked energy. And frankly, I was pretty worried about not being able to be in top form to bring our best performance the next day. And the last thing I wanted to do, is to dissapoint my Sifu with such lousy performance. It was my first official Latin Dance performance, and I really wanted it to be good. I wanted to see where it would bring me, all that Sifu had taught me for the past months I had been learning from her. Most of all, I wanted to dance better than I was...
Wednesday came feeling a little more refreshed and energized. It was much better, the practise we had before our lecture. Things were getting right, and though still nervous as hell, I was feeling lighter. I danced with my new shoes, as the old pair was already pretty loose and wobbly. I didn't want to think that, but it might be high time my old pair of dance shoes are to retire. It was my first pair of dance shoes and I do treasure it a lot. It sure saddens me to think that I might not be able to dance in it anymore... T.T
Had to wear my Latin costume to lecture, beneath a jacket, due to lack of time to change after lecture. And when the time of performance came at about 1.30pm, we were already all dressed and waiting by the atrium with a large crowd circling the perimeter of the atrium from all floors. It was a little nerve-wrecking, the sight of it. There were even many friends of ours who purposely skipped the beginning of their lecture, just to stay back to watch us. For that, I am really really grateful.
Was the performance well? Yeah. Was it good? Not really. But we did give in 100% of what our weary bodies could manage. I think the audience had a good time watching. But as dancers, we knew it wasn't a great performance. There were times our timing was a little off, there were times we weren't sharp enough, there were times our balance wasn't well, and there was an air of nervousness throughout. Wei Jin told me his hands were shaking throughout, and I think mine were too. The audience might not notice all of these, but it wouldn't escape the eyes of professionals. If my Sifu was here, I wonder what would she say.
Sorry Sifu, I still ain't nowhere near soaring yet. I wish you won't be dissapointed with me.
I had been your student for nearly two years; but I had only been learning for about 6 months. I don't know if other 6-month-old dancers were the same level as me, but I so hope I ain't the worst.
You see, as I said, I am never a talented dancer, just a passionate dancer. I wonder if the love could bring me far...?
Neways, we didn't get to rest. Not that soon. There was still Fan Dance to go on Thursday. Practice was gruelling, and throughout the night of practice, several fans were broken, due to over-using of strength while opening and closing our fans. That was the difficult thing about fan dance, we need strength to create the dramatic effect with our fan, but the strength had to be well controlled to not end up in a fan-breaking disaster. Our ciplak RM7.90 cloth fan isn't really that durable, to be honest.
And soon enough, Thursday came and went. And thankfully, I get to have some rest after such a hectic week. We didn't do really well in our Fan Dance though we did have a great time. If I could describe our dance in one word, it'll be... hilarious!!! Thanks to En En, and you'll know why. Actually for such a difficult genre done in such a short time, and consisting of so many people who aren't professionals, there ain't much to expect from. The synchronisation wasn't good, the energy level was lacking, the moves weren't expressive, some fan broke, some people forgot steps, some people halted midway in their dance to pick up money from the floor (that's En En)!!! We had a good laugh over everything after our performance, so it was an enjoyable experience all in all. ^_^
P/S: Looking forward to visiting my Sifu a few days later!!! And spending the New Year with you... =p
I thought my dance diary had to be temporary frozen when I am back to IMU, but strangely enough for this time, it's still hot and happening! *Yay!!!* =p
And seriously the amount of dancing didn't get any lesser when I am back here, instead, it increased... A LOT. Over the past week I had been here in IMU, there was not a day which I didn't dance. And for the past Friday and Saturday, I had been dancing for at least 5 hours per day! Firstly, we had to practice our Cha Cha routine to perform next Wednesday for the CNY Celebration Week. But mostly were to practise our Chinese Fan Dance routine which was pretty difficult, thanks to Wei Jin who found this routine which initially was danced by some China Dance Company/Dance School thingy... So you can imagine how good they are, and how hard it is to execute the routine the way they did. And that being said, if I were to ever be able to dance so well, I won't be in IMU in the first place, I'll be happily earning my dance degree in some prestigious Art School, rather than reserching on Streptococcus sp. for my annoying PBL tomorrow...
The problems didn't end here; we couldn't find a good fan. Initially we bought a ciplak furry red plastic fan, which furs fall off after only one day of practice. The incredible Wei Jin even tore his fan into strips of sticks. So much for our RM5.90 furry fan. We had to buy new ones in Petaling Street, this time, a red-cloth-wooden-handle fan. This fan is bigger, but harder to control too. Especially for a left-handed person like me. *Sigh*
So that spells MORE MORE MORE TRAINING!!!
You see, as much as I love dancing, I was never a talented dancer. Dance doesn't come easy to me. For one, I never really knew how to use my body. I wonder why I wasn't like other girls when I was young, curious about doing cartwheels, bridges and splits... Seriously when I was young, I never even did anything as much as shaking my hips before. Maybe because of my shy personality, I never dared to. And now I pretty much regretted it, having to train my stiff bones and body to do all those splits and spins and moves they had never explored before. It amazes me how much human body can actually do, each time I see a new move or style. Though much as I wanted to achieve them all, there were still limits to my ability. Born with MVP and hence being generally weak, also made things harder for me, as long hours of dancing drains me fast.
But just so you know, a slow learner as I am, I do still presevere in learning what I really wanted to learn. Different types of dances, different types of moves. It might take me long, it might distress me at times, but for the love of it, I never gave up. Do forgive me for the times I lagged behind, for the times I couldn't comprehend the mechanisms of each move, for the times I lost my confidence and wavered in my steps. Give me time, and slowly I'll improve.
However, I understand not every teacher out there could be that patient. For this, I really would like to thank my Sifu, for all the patience she had for me, for all her encouragements and efforts to lift me up even when I was slow and unsteady. She never extinguishes my confidence. Don't get me wrong, she does critic me a lot, maybe just the way she presented it. And I am really grateful. You see, new, shy and afraid as I was when I first took up Latin dance, I suppose if she wasn't tactful enough, I might have just thought of myself as a total failure and never dared to dance again. It is all because of her that I grew from a super shy girl to who I am today, braver, more confidence, more motivated.
When my parents thought I was only wasting my time, when my friends doubted me... my Sifu was the only one who was there to support me, through the difficult, low self-esteem phase. Even now, there are people who still doubted me, there are people who still looks down on me; for times as such, I couldn't say that it does not affect me; truth is, it hurts a lot, and it does bring me down.
Sifu's the one who lifted me up again, forever like a confidence booster to me. She might not be the most skilled teacher in the world, but to me, she's the best. Always my inspiration. Without her, I wouldn't have made it this far.
And now, I'm missing her a lot. *sob*
Cha Cha performance next Wednesday! Even when I'm tired, I shall train well. Gotta make Sifu proud. ^_^
My holidays are drawing to an end. This my last week here in Ipoh before my sem 2 in IMU commences. Last week of dancing with you too... T.T
The last lesson with Sifu was totally hilariously fun, to begin with. When she came to fetch us to her studio, she told me she was going to drop something to somewhere halfway. It turned out to be two drawers she wanted to send to a key shop. And it was just two individual drawers taken right out from her cupboard/wardrobe... Doesn't sound right, rite?
The story was that she sent the original drawer keys to the shop, hoping to make a copy of them. When she took back the copies, it didn't work. So she sent it back again, and the second copies didn't work either. She was pretty pissed off then, so she brought along her drawers for them to make another copy that is sure to work this time! (Lolx... at such a thing to happen!)
While the key makers were fussing with the keys, we proceeded to the studio. For our last lesson, we finished up our Samba routine, with more emphasis on techniques this time. Hips motion and most importantly, how to move along the dance floor, in an anti-clockwise direction. We weren't really good about the moving part, our Samba was pretty much stationary, or mebe only moving a little the previous lessons. Thank God at the end of the lesson, we managed to get the hang out of it!!! We could even circle around the studio, repeating the routine at different positions, without messing up our direction of steps.
And we even learnt the classic Samba Roll!!! It wasn't anything for beginners actually, but Sifu decided to teach us that, as a farewell gift maybe? ^__^ That was a move I had wanted to learn for so long, for it always fascinates me how beautifully flowy this move could be if executed well. But yes, you saw that, 'IF EXECUTED WELL'. And frankly we didn't execute it anywhere near well. Looked pretty much like some move out of a puppet dance when we did it, stiff and awkward, and it cracked us up a lot watching ourselves in the mirror. *Now I understand why this move isn't meant for beginners!* Gotta work HARD on this!!! =p
Learnt the techniques of spinning too, under my request. Cuz boy, I suck at spinning, big time. So I had wanted to polish up my spinning techniques. Spent the last 15 minutes or so spinning in each direction and trying to balance myself, trying to spot, trying to look good, trying to spin in a straight line, trying to keep myself from getting dizzy... It was downright hard work for me. And the outcome? I suck less! =p
Before we left the studio, I took some photos with my sifu, it was hard work convincing her to do so, for according to her, she wasn't pretty enough for a photo shot. So after finally convincing her that she looked even prettier than me, she agreed; but still, not after she forced me to remove my dancing shoes. Reason, she didn't want me to look much much taller than her! So I did. But truth is, even barefooted, I am taller than her!!! Nyek nyek... ^_^
After that, Sifu fetched us home while dropping by the shop to get her drawers and keys back. I didn't follow her down but Chin Yaw did, and man, cuz of that I missed out a good show! =p Sifu reaccounted the story to me later when she got back into the car, and it seriously sent me into a laughing fit, though I wasn't supposed to. =p
So for dunno what reason, she was reckoned as a stupid woman by the key-maker, who told her that it wasn't the keys which weren't working, but it was that she used the wrong keys to open the wrong drawers! And for these new copies, they even put sticker labels for her, and explained to her which key was for which drawer as though explaining 123 to a three year old kid. Sifu was pretty pissed off, and replied him curtly that she wasn't that stupid of a woman as he thought, and that she DID try both keys for both drawers. So there was this little arguement I assume, and Sifu and the key-maker mutual blacklisted each other I suppose! But as Sifu is, she wasn't actually pissed off or angry, she was just exasperated and innocently hurt; which made me couldn't help but laugh at her misfortune. *damn bad, I know...* Neways, I'll forever remember, 我不是那么蠢的一个女人!!!
死鸡撑饭盖？！！
不要污辱我的智慧！！！
Funny quotes from Sifu!!! =p =p =p
And as the day ended, we waved goodbye to Sifu, promising that I'll be back to visit her during CNY. Thank you, Sifu, for all the good times that we had. One day, Sifu, I'll be back again to learn, just as I always did. No I'm still not gonna give up, no matter how hard the journey could be. And hopefully by then, I can be better than I am now, able to soar just the way you wanted me to. ^_^
Till then, Christine
*******
This might be the final part of my dance diary before it is sent to hibernate mode, for dance doesn't come easy once I am not in Ipoh... sigh... Sometimes I feel really lazy to write, but I still do. For my writings keep the moments fresh, so that in future, if I ever missed the past, I could always read back on them, and savage in the tears and laughter of those memories. And most important of all, I wanna keep the memories fresh, for I'd loved every single moment with you, you and you... And I just don't wanna forget them, not one bit, even...
Having Latin two days in a row is darn tiring. In preparation for our Genting trip (yay!!!) from tomorrow till Friday, we somehow had to cram all our lessons with Sifu yesterday and today. And on top of that, Ballroom was tonight too. All these were what made my feet throb... even now.
Lesson learnt --- Never arrange Latin and Ballroom classes together on the same day if you are to learn techniques for both... It... KILLS. Both you, your feet and your partner... =p
For Latin, we started off with a new routine on Monday, after polishing up with our Cha Cha. It was Samba. I hadn't really learnt a lot of Samba, so I though this was a good chance to get myself more familiar with this hot Brazilian dance. Started off with some core strength and hips technique training, samba walk, criss-cross volta, bota fogo...
I find Samba a really captivating dance, very special in many ways. Firstly, it moves around the place a lot more than the other latin genres, and Samba is danced in an anti-clockwise manner. Secondly, the ladies are always on the outer circle, and the men in the inner circle. Many a time, the men are to be sort of a 'shadow' to the ladies. Thirdly, Samba needs nicely executed hips and stomach motions to bring out the personality of the dance, which I think is pretty similar to stomach churning.
And the stomach churning thingy din't do good to me as I had a heavy lunch, and after Samba-ing for half an hour or so, I seriously felt waves of nausea in every move I made. Thank God I actually managed to hold it all back and continued dancing for more than an hour, till the end of the lesson. But I looked really green in the face after all that.
Lesson learnt --- Never eat too much before dancing Samba. This is serious advice. You won't wanna puke all over the dancefloor!
Borrowed the latin clothes from Sifu. 4 similar tops, hand-made. They look nice to me, the four different striking colours on the same black base, complete with soft-flowing ruffles. But the tops were bareback, bare-tummy, bare shoulders... pretty bare all in all. I'm worried no one would dare to wear it... T.T Just hope I could gather enough dancers and train them in time for the coming CNY performance in IMU. It's just about three weeks away from now, and so far, Wei Jin and I hadn't had much preparations done yet, mostly due to Summative 1 & then the sem break in the way. But we decided we'd do some simple group Latin instead, so IMU folks, anyone interested?
******* As for Ballroom, we finally got to proceed in our Waltz, doing whisks and chasses. But still, a lot of practice was required to get a hang out of it all. And did I tell you? I got myself a new pair of ballroom shoes! It was 2-inches heeled, closed-toed, gold, and made of soft materials. I love the glitter gold fire-tongue-like design at the back, giving a slight touch of glamour to the demureness of the shoes. And these shoes were softer than Latin's, so I got away from the night with only a blister near my soles, not bloody cut-lines. ^_^
*******
Packed for Genting and managed to catch episode 5 of SYTYCD Season 6. This season seems better than the previous, and the dancers seems more talented than ever. And most of the talents were much younger too, most of the good ones only just turned 18. Wow. And one thing I notice about auditions, the judges like to put great ballroom or contemporary dancers straight through to Vegas, but they hold back on great hip-hopers or dancers of other genres. Maybe they have doubts on the latter's versatility... I'm not sure.
I guess if I ever entered SYTYCD USA, I won't even get pass audition. Nigel wouldn't even let me dance for more than one minute. And the best thing Mary can say will be: "You're just not strong enough for this competition... I'm sorry. But keep working hard, and thank you for coming...!"
Lesson learnt --- As a dancer, grow in what you do, and try to be more versatile. I realized that I am sadly, not at all a versatile dancer, judging from the hard time I have going through adapting to Ballroom. As Raymond always say, " I DON'T WANT YOUR LATIN STYLE!!! THIS IS BALLROOM, NOT LATIN!!!" These days, I'd come to realize that on this journey, there are still loads I need to improve on. It never fails to amaze me, how there is such a wide horizon to dance, how there are such heights I am yet to explore... so much more.
If this journey has stages, then I'm an infant; new, amazed, excited but afraid. Would I ever be the strong, confident adult I would so wish to be? I don't know. But I'll grow.
It had been two weeks since I ventured into my new-found dance field, and still, I'm so very unfamiliar with all the mechanisms, or techniques, as we call them. And boy, my pace at picking up Ballroom techniques is ten times slower than Latin, so I ended up still stuck in doing the basics after these whole two weeks.*Sigh... I fail...* T.T
There is one major difference in Latin and Ballroom --- Latin's always on pointe, while Ballroom needs to heel and toe. As a Latin dancer from the start, I admit it's pretty hard to assimilate the heel toe thingy into my steps. Very often, my Latin instinct/muscle memory/nature whatever-you-call-it takes over, and I move forward on pointe instead, earning me more scoldings from my new teacher, Raymond or his partner, Marie.
Raymond is very strict when it comes to dancing, he never hesitates to scold us sternly whenever we did mistakes or were just not up to par on the techniques. He even hits our arms and legs if we were to place them in a wrong position or moved them incorrectly. Harsh training, but I know it was all for our own good. I don't mind it one bit, it really pushed me. And what motivated me more to push myself on even when I was darn tired, even when I made so many mistakes over and over again that I wish to just give up and rest... was what he said at the end of a lesson: " You are one who can dance, that is why I wanted you to do the steps & techniques perfectly. If it's for someone who isn't really a dancer, just steps will do enough for them..."
And so I got up and tried again and again, ignoring the way my Latin shoes were carving bloody lines on my flesh, as I struggle to support myself well "the Ballroom way" in them. Truth is, it isn't advisable at all to dance Ballroom in Latin shoes, as the Latin heels were higher, which means less support as well as difficult rise and fall for Waltz. And the open-toe structure would mean gliding on your toes instead of in your shoes. *No wonder my toes were traumatized at the end of each lesson...sigh*
Note to self: Should get myself a pair of Ballroom shoes asap! (I'm not going to give up on Ballroom, will continue learning it, so yea, Ballroom shoes are essential for me.)
*******
Unlike the stressed, highly driven Ballroom classes, Latin classes were high-spirited and just, full of fun and energy. One thing about Sifu, she's one of the most adorable teacher I had ever met, really bubbly most of the time. And I think the bubbliness is one thing I learnt from her too, aside dancing. Lolx... We could talk about almost everything, and very often, we would send each other laughing all the way on the car to the studio, through lessons, and back home. And as dear Chin Yaw got more familiar around her, it became us three sitting around after class, cooling down in the studio and chatting away.
Well, it might sound like all fun and non-serious learning, but don't get me wrong, it's still a huge amount of learning, plus sweat and blood and a lot of effort. Latin classes were never a breeze, though I find them much more in my comfort zone compared to Ballroom. Over the past 2 weeks, we had got through an intermediate chacha routine, with a split specially choreographed for me, but which I couldn't execute well as I lost my split to Summative 1 in IMU... *long story* Anyway, it was later replaced with some other move. Samba was next, beginner's steps, techniques included. And Samba techniques sure isn't taufu.
Still a lot to work on --- fluidity of executing the routines, interaction with partner, my still-sucky spins, timing, my Cuban Break... and imma determined to regain my split. (Sifu thinks I'm cheating her about doing the 4 splits in cheerleading...grrr...)
I got till next week. Gotta practise my feet off. =p
P/S: Got to visit Sifu's newly-renovated third floor of her studio... (remember the dark-dusty-abandoned-ju-on-hideout-like 3rd floor I mentioned in my previous post? You can check it out HERE...) She cleaned and renovated most of it herself! Unbelievable! So she earned herself another 'title' --- renovation worker, on top of all her previous 'titles' --- dancer, adjudicator, teacher, costume designer, artist, children caretaker, driver... *Simply awesome!* Gute Nacht, Christine
Phew, a week had passed since I left IMU to indulge in this wonderful holiday... *hmmm*
A weekful of yummy Ipoh food! (Fattening, but ahh, worth it, for food like these! =p) A weekful of luxurious 10-hours-per-day sleep! (Srsly, I sleep like a pig nowadays) A weekful of not touching any academic related stuff! (COP included...T.T)
What's more, a weekful of INTENSIVE DANCING!!! As in intensive, I don't mean 24/7, but still for one like me who am dance-deprived for half a year, three times a week IS intensive! And I only mean lessons... (not including the hours of practise at home =p)
Important announcement: I'm taking up BALLROOM for the 1st time in my life this holiday!!! (totally hyped-out....OMG....*dancing crazily around the room* )
No more just chacha, rumba, samba & jive for me... now there's tango and waltz too!!! More to come I hope! Weeeeee!!!!!!! TANGO!!! Oh my, I had been wanting to dance that for soooooo soooo long!
Thanks to you Chin Yaw for being willing to be my partner!!! Yes, I have a partner!!! (Not permanant since he's leaving to NZ again soon...sob...)but still, God knows how much I appreciate it, you know! Considering that you ain't really into dancing & how a noob I am especially in ballroom! T.T
It tires me out pretty much, the amount of learning & even more, practice; and Ballroom proves to be hard, much harder than I thought... And especially when you have a new teacher who's a perfectionist till the very detailed. Si, I have a new teacher (and his partner too) to teach us Ballroom as Sifu doesn't have that much time to teach me both Latin and Ballroom... (not that much of energy too, considering that I am a pretty difficult student...nyek nyek...)
Anyway, this post is to be continued, as I'm uber tired now & gotta get some rest... (the time below is wrong, fyi... it's AM, not PM) So... ciao for now!
P/S: Details to come! A little insight, it'll be about 'some stories', theories & techniques, my new teacher, and my dear old Sifu!!! (How nice to see her again! I do miss her so...! What's more, she's still prettier than ever!)
It had been a long day for me. And again, I was in a hospital.
I had never liked the hospital. It always intimidates me. The moment you enter it's vicinity, you'll see gloomy faces, weak frail people, worried-looking family members, grim-faced staff and doctors... all scrruying past, to wherever they are heading. Not a welcoming sight to behold, for sure.
Sometimes, I think hospitals are like battlefields. It is where everyone is fighting. It is where death is nearest. It is where sorrow, fear and tension always hung, like a huge grey cloud above...
And no, I don't like it.
But then again, who does?
It's scary, lying on the cold bed; I know. It's scary, lying helpless when people prick and prode you with needles and all; I know. It's scary, sitting on the benches, awaiting medical reports; I know. It's scary, just wondering what they will do to you next; I know.
But sometimes, life doesn't give you much of a choice, does it? I've known, from when I first went under the knife, at six years old. Tumour in the eye, I was told. Then, I knew what a tumour was at six. Heart murmur, at seven. And all that preceeds--- mitral valve prolapse, ultrasound tests, echocardiograms, electrocardiograms... I remember the cool gel the doctor applied over my chest, and the wand-like thing he ran over my skin. I guess it took a pretty long time for the doctors to come to a diagnosis and treatment plans. A couple of years maybe. For that was how long I had been in and out of hospitals, meeting doctor after doctor.
I remember a doctor mentioning something about a balloon once, angioplasty balloon, to be exact. But at that age, the only balloon I knew was the big colourful ones we used to play with. And for long after that, I had a hard time imagining how a balloon as such could be inserted right up to my heart, through my wrist. But how it was done, I never got to know, for I never got the balloon inserted anyway. Not that I wanted it too.
Truth is, there is nothing much to be done about MVP, it doesn't affect you much, I was told.
Still, illnesses often have a way of reminding you that you are afterall, not completely normal. Such as the large doses of antibiotics you need to take before every dentist visit or surgery. Why mummy would never let you play much sports. Why you could never run as long and fast as the other kids cause you get breathless easily. And why you could never drink coffee for it causes hours of palpitation that could leave your whole chest paralysed...
On top of that all, eczema clung to me, however badly I wanted to shake it off. Anti-histamines, protopic cream... even steroids, I used all through the years. But it kept coming back to me.
And again, all that the doctors say was, there is nothing much to be done about it.
I learnt that when nothing else could do anything to help me, in Him alone, I have my only hope. For everytime my body fails me, I pray to Him, for healing grace. For everytime I recovered, I give thanks to Him, for healing grace. He is the one who is always there for me, to help me live through it all. Never abandoned me as the doctors did. Never abandoned me as I myself did.
He sustains me, all the while. God sustains me, through it all. :)
"At times, I feel as though I am something just next to wind. Sometimes, I think I am something no more than dust."
My voice, silenced volition, to the loudness of your pride. My love, dimming glow, to the brightness of your light. My pace, baby steps, to the speediness of your stride.
How am I ever gonna keep up?
Sometimes, I feel as though this is like A masquerade for you, a massacre for me... I'm dying, over and over again before your mask of coldness.
How am I ever gonna survive?
And still again, this night, you haunt my dreams with the air of a master, And still I am, this day, waking up with tears streaming, all from this gaping hole of loss.
Credits: Afaust
How am I gonna mend it?
And it's all about you, all about you...
"en los que tú me decías, ya juntos toda la vida; pues para mi, la vida no es vida, si tú no estás junto a mí..."
This year, Christmas is special. I had to spend it studying; instead of the usual carollings, open houses, parties and church. What a way to celebrate Christmas... sigh... and what's more, I'm away from home, away from all my loved ones.
And now, what are the types of hypothalamic hormones and their functions?
It could make me feel like breaking down any moment...
Pathetic as it could sound like, I am not alone. There are many out there, suffering the same fate as mine. And that made me feel not as lonely afterall.
No, actually I am not celebrating Christmas alone either. I have you, I have all your wishes, and most of all, I have God with me. ^_^
Thank you for the countdown. Thank you for the Christmas morning, it made the rest of my day. Ever got the feeling that the sunshine of the morning could last you even long after night falls? Thank God for all the warm wishes, it gave me a taste of Christmas all the same, even when I am confined to my cell-like room, held by my own volition, with never-ending notes to study... Thank God for my beautiful new dance shoes sent right up my doorsteps, just the nicest Christmas gift I could ever ask for myself.
Just that sometimes, I wish I could spend this Christmas closer to you, Father. And I'm sorry, just so so sorry that I didn't.
I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about you, it's all about you, Jesus...
But still, a blessed Christmas this is, afterall. Thank God for good health, lifted spirits and renewed faith...
Thank you Lord. Thank you for Christmas.
P/S: To you, if you might ever drop by; there might be times you'll fall, might be times you'll feel afraid of what the future might behold... but remember that there is always hope in God!!! And His is the only hope that never fails us. So we both give our best try k? And see where God brings us. Trust me, it'll be good. All will be well in the end. For God is good. Amen!
It all started yesterday. Started off with fever, around afternoon. It didn't get any better at night. And I had sort of a sore throat, and flu symptoms starting up too. I was cold and freezing in the library, even with my sweater and lab coat on. I didn't feel warmer even when I went out of the library. And my temperature kept on rising. My body was hot as fire, but I felt cold as ice. Pretty torturing, to tell the truth. And worse still, I didn't have the strength to walk back to my Vista. My whole body was aching, my head throbbing and my chest paralyzed. On top of all that, I couldn't think straight. It was as though my brain wasn't functioning, and I was talking unconsciously. Seriously, I felt like dying, and it scares me. When I finally managed to get back home, I fell on my bed right away, shivering under my covers, I fell asleep.
Woke up this morning, sweating all over. I felt much better, my high fever had subsided. Just when I thought I am going to be alright, the nightmare came. I coughed and sneezed, and out came bloody sputum. I coughed a few more times, and out came more blood. T.T Heck, coughing up blood wasn't a good sign at all. I went to the toilet, and another nightmare struck me. There was blood in my urine too.
What now? I felt like a terminally ill patient. Gosh, would I die? Yes, seriously thoughts of dying filled my mind. You might say I am just too young and all, but truth is, I never thought of dying as something THAT far away as you all might say. For one, it could happen anytime...
Not that I am ready to die yet, though.
I was rushed to the clinic by my friend right after lectures. According to the doctor, I coincidently had cough, flu, and urinary tract infection. (UTI.. it's either that, or something worse... like... kidney problem... I dun wanna think about that... brrr.....) So he gave me a whole load of medicine, antibiotics too; and if I hadn't gotten better by Monday, I'll be subjected to further diagnosis. Whoa, that doesn't sound good at all. Hope that wouldn't happen to me. To be seeing the doctor once is bad enough, I don't want to end up revisiting him again and again. Please no...
And now, amongst all those worries and illness, I still had to study for my upcoming summatives. But then again, I don't think I could manage to study any good today, all that medicine is making me a little restless and drowsy... Think I'll take a short nap... maybe......... now....................
zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ....
P/S: Dear Father, is this my time? If it isn't, please heal me, grant me good health I pray. But if it is, O Lord, may I die a peaceful death. Then dear Lord, I pray that you would take me to heaven, to live with thee there... Whichever way it is, I succumb my all into your hands, and go where you would lead me to. Amen.
Been pretty long I hadn't read the news. And as I flipped through a copy of NST in the lounge today, it is still as depressing as newspapers used to be. How many happy faces could you count in the papers? Maybe none except those of the celebrities on the entertainment section...
Political squabbles still going on; along with backstabbing and verbal wars. People killing and people dying--- Man found mutilated... Police seek 6 men in rape case... Boy drowns, another missing... Pilgrimage centres turn into sex hubs... scandal-tainted chief detective replaced...
It's too distressing to continue reading anymore. It reminds me of a line out of Billy Gilman's song - "And mum won't watch the news at night, there is too much stuff that's making her cry..."
Sometimes I wonder what had become of the world now. We are seriously in need of salvation, O merciful Lord... A thousand prayers, a million words, will this one voice be heard?
It's raining outside. And I wish you a safe journey home. I wish I could go home too. It's been so long since I went back, and seriously I miss home. Guess I need to take a break and go home, just to rest and refresh my mind. Take a break, from all the weariness of life here. From all that weighs me down for all this time. And again, there's really no place like home...
The day before, I went out to some shopping mall. While queuing up to buy food, I had the time to observe the people around me. There was this scene I just couldn't erase from my mind: A richly dressed couple and a young boy came out of a toy shop, the boy happily holding a plastic bag containing a large Transformer toy. Not far from them, there was another boy, maybe a year or two older than him, staring admiringly back and forth from the shop to the kid with the new toy, before his mother came and hurried him away. He obeyed in silence, strange enough for a longing kid in front of a shop full of tempting toys. Judging from the way they dressed, I guess they were not really well off. What that I could never forget was the look on the boy's face when he took a last glance back again, as he was dragged off. There was something in his eyes that struck me hard, the sad disappointment and helpless understanding.
It brought me back to when I was young, and there was this big expensive toy dog in a shop window, one that I had always wanted but my parents wouldn't afford to buy. And one day I went to a classmate's house, and she has an exact same one, sitting on her big big bed.
It was those times that you couldn't help feeling sad and frustrated with the life that you had. Some kids have and some kids don't, and some of us are wondering why...
Over the years, while tasting the bitterness of poverty, I had learnt to get used to lots of circumstances of not having what other kids have. But as learning goes, it was not always that easy. There were times when my parents had to give me a good spank to stop me from demanding. And over the course of time, I learnt to keep my mouth shut, and all my feelings to myself. Now that I think of it, I wonder if it was a good way for a child to grow. But still, I'm not going to complain of who I am made into today. At least, those were some experience not other kids could have.
And this time around, I've got something that they don't.
What's more, I learnt to appreciate and give thanks for every little thing that I have in life, maybe much more than them. For every little thing, I see them as a great blessing from God.
It had always been my childhood dream to be able to play piano. I remember when I was five or six, my dad had this Richard Clayderman’s album that he used to play every evening on the stereo. I will wake up from my afternoon nap to sit by his side, silently in awe of the beauty of the music. “Chariots of Fire” was one of my favorites. And for long enough, I had wished and wished to be able to play like that one day. But sadly for all these years, much as the dream still stays alive in me, circumstances fail me.
For one, I grew up in a small village in Perak. At that time, there were no academies or teachers whatsoever to offer piano lessons. Maybe there were, but I guess not at an affordable price. You see, my family wasn’t pretty well-off then; piano lessons were just too much a splurge. And getting the piano itself posed a bigger problem. How could I ever ask my dad to get me a piano which costs at least a few thousands, gosh, that’ll be almost half a year worth of his salary! The last thing I wanted was for our entire family to be eating grass by the piano set.
So instead, my childhood years were spent running among paddy fields, climbing trees, rolling and falling down in the mud, catching tadpoles... typical lifestyle of a country kid. Not that I regretted living my childhood years the way I did. I did have lots and lots of great times. It was all still, some experience I wouldn't want to trade for anything else in the world.
Just that sometimes, when everyone else around me were grade 8 pianists, degree violinists, experienced gymnasts, ballet dancers... I'll wish that I could have been more productive. What am I? Professional tree-climber? You'll be laughing at me.
So I was, still waiting for chances to come; by then which I was twelve and moved to Ipoh. Ipoh was so much different, so many more chances, it had everything I wanted. Happily I approached my parents to send me to piano classes. But God always has His way of telling me subtly that my chance wasn’t to come just yet. The same old reasons, too expensive, and another new reason, I had to focus on my studies. They kept telling me I was too old to learn, and dejectedly, I didn't press on the topic ever again. Truth is, when my parents said no, they meant it.
It was after SPM in 2006 that I dared to voice my wish again. This time around, my parents finally agreed. Seriously I was overjoyed, but disappointment followed soon after. The schools rejected me. Apparently they said I was too old (wth…), and they said I had to have constant lessons and practices, which I couldn’t fulfill, since I would be leaving for my college in Shah Alam two months after. I had no choice really, but to abandon my dream for the third time.
I was sad and dejected, but God was good to me. One night I had this intriguing dream. In my dream I was in a vast space, something that resembled an open air warehouse, but with smooth white floorings. In the distance, there was a silhouette of a girl, playing gracefully on a piano. The melody was so beautiful, as if in a trance, I started walking towards her. But strangely, no matter how long I walked, the distance never got any nearer. In the end, I grew tired and fell to my knees, weeping softly. Then I heard His soothing voice telling me:” Do not distress, girl, for I have greater plans for you. Remember to be patient, and you’ll see light at the end of every darkness. Come to me now, and I will guide your way…” I turned around and saw my reflection on a big mirror that appeared out of nowhere. The last thing I saw before I woke up, was my own smile reflected there on the mirror.
It was not long after when I stumbled upon my first dance lesson. It all happened when one day, a friend and I suddenly came up with the topic on activities to fill up our time; and she casually mentioned that she had actually attended latin dance classes at one of the studios nearby when she was younger, but she quit about 2 months later. It was then when a light struck on me. Why had this never crossed my mind before, for all these time? Truth is, I had always loved dancing too. I used to love watching dance performances and being in dance performances throughout my life. I guess I was too obssessed with learning piano than to think about anything else all along.
Latin dance, well, it sounds interesting! Why not give it a try? With only a vague idea of what latin dance is, I phoned up the studio, (asking lots of stupid questions) and enrolled myself in the beginner's cha cha class. I fumbled my way to the studio, up the stairs, and all through the registration procedures; still pretty doubtful if I made the right choice to come, especially when this decision wasn't in my parent's consent in the first place. But God cleared all my doubts, for the moment I started learning my first chasse, I fell deeply in love with it. Somehow I knew it was His plan for me. And seriously, I couldn't have been more grateful to Him for it. For after all the waitings, the dissapointments, fallen hopes and dreams; I finally found what I had always wanted, although it wasn't any of my initial plan. But His plans for me is even better than the ones I had for myself. Praise the Lord!
Neways, deep down, there's still this silent desire of at least, knowing how to play the piano. But this time around, I learnt to wait patiently for my chance to come. I believe that He will send me a signal. Maybe one day, there'll be someone who comes along, patiently willing to teach me. Maybe one day, I might even learn how to play it all on my own. Who knows? Afterall, He has His amazing ways in everything. I just gotta have faith in Him.
It's still cold here. Inside and out. I don't know why it never leaves me, not since... I don't even remember when it was. But it certainly felt like ages ago.
There is no warmth. Even more since he left. And now I'm freezing, even with my thick cardigan on. Even with food and hot drinks. And I think I know why. I miss your warm smile. How long had I not seen it? Three weeks? Or maybe a month? Guess it had been long.
You see, in your smile, I can always find secureness, warmth and comfort. When I was down, you smiled. And it lifted me up again. When I cried, you smiled. And strangely enough, it eased my tears much better than words of comfort. When I though I couldn't do it, you smiled. And it renewed my strength and confidence.
Yes. Your smile could always light up my day. But you wouldn't know; and I never told you.
I just can't figure out why, but you sure seems to have changed, again. Over the years I'd known you, I saw your changes throughout, even when there used to be many months before we meet each other again. I was always your friend in distance and in silence, was never close, rarely hanged out with you. Sometimes I wonder if this could even be considered friendship. But regardless of whether you take me as your friend or not, you are still, always mine. =p
Always the silent observer; but just so you know, if you were ever in need or in distress, I would always be there for you, always willing to offer you whatever mere help I am capable of giving.
These days, I wonder if you were bothered by any problems, but never dared to ask. You see, as much as I treasure you as a really nice friend, I am still, at times afraid of you. I don't know if it's because of your seriousness, your coldness, or the imbalance; or because of that unseen barrier between us or because there's just so much more of you that I don't understand yet... sometimes it's just so uneasy that I couldn't bring myself to look at you anymore.
There were times when you were just so cold, and I am just so afraid. Though deep down, I know that you are still the nice, caring individual that had helped me through so much. That was why many a time when I just sensed that something was bothering you, and though my heart was concerned, never did I dare to go any nearer to you. Sorry.
Instead, I just stayed in the distance, silently praying for you. For God to guide you in His light, for God to give you strength to pull through, for God to help you and settle all the worries in your heart, which ways I couldn't. For He can do much more than me. And you'll need Him much more than me.
Do take care. I hope everything's gonna be alright for you. And the next time I see you around here, I wish I can see your warm smile again...
Will be leaving for the hike in 16 hours time. Am pretty thrilled but nervous as well. But to be frank, I'm really looking forward to it... finally something that I might actually get to enjoy and get a break off everything that's weighing me down recently. And our illnesses are finally recovering. I know God had been good to us. Thank you Lord! I pray that He'll continue seeing everyone of us through...
May there be more of joy and less of tears from now on... I'll update about the hike when I get back. Till then.
It sure as hell hurts. And I just couldn't act like it doesn't. Apparently, many a time, these stubborn tears tend to give me away. It's a good thing you didn't see them, for I looked away everytime you caught my eyes. Sorry if I might seem rude, I just wanted to hide my pathetic tear-filled eyes. Just hope you'll understand.
I'm sick. It's already been a week but I just didn't seem to recover, nor get any better. And the major hike is coming soon. Yes, I'm going to the hike. Think I need a good break, to get my mind off everything, to rest this wounded heart, and to... just breathe. Yeah, I need to breathe. And maybe... just maybe, even have some fun too. All these had been suffocating me for so long. Only 2 more days to go. I pray hard that I'll be fine by then. You too.
She kept asking me to go back to my unit, since I can't really study in the library either. But I couldn't find a reason to go back, not anymore. I'd prefer to stay in IMU, where it'll be less lonely with people around. At least I won't cry that much. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, waking up the next morning to put on the smile that is nothing more than a mask to me now. One which at times, could even be too much for this weary heart of mine to carry.
Sometimes I wonder, if I could ever really smile again; when happiness just seems so far away...
Changes; circumstances. And the latter just wasn't convincing enough to help me cope. So much that had happened over the past month, and frankly, I still hadn't got past it all. I wonder if everything would still be the same as this if I hadn't went home that faithful night? Sometimes life is so much about choices; and I made my choice. For what you said was true, the way things are heading, sometimes it's just best to letgo. So long had I been hanging on, so long had I been giving everything, just not giving up. So long had this heart of mine been forced to break, over and over again... I was tired. But there was a greater reason, I know I musn't hold you back from your journey if you've decided to move on, and most importantly, to seek God again.
So I let you go. It sure hurts like hell, but in a way, I'm glad. I'm glad that you actually willed to renew your relationship with Him, though you'll be ending yourswith mine. I'm glad from now on, you'll review your priorities; to place Him above me, and above all else. Yes, for this time, I could actually comprehend. No longer the dummy I was, I guess you are going to be proud of me this time. ^_^
At times, I still wonder if my choice was right. I wonder if you were right, saying that I'll be better off without this. You see, now that everything's over; I'm still as weary as ever, if not wearier. I still didn't feel any better, if not worse. I don't break anymore, I'm shattered.
Truth is, it's never easy. Especially for one like me who always suck at saying goodbye. No longer could I count the tears that I shed, no longer could I count the times I had to run to the toilet or hide myself somewhere and cry. So forgive me if I had to get up and run away at times, for the last thing I wanted is for you to see my tears again.
At times I really don't know how long it would take for the tears to dry. At times I really think that this could actually kill me. At times I really think that I would just die and live no more...
Yes, there are always times like these.
Why oh why would I always feel so helpless? Helpless, bounded by the threads of sorrow. Helpless, no longer able to control the tears from falling. Helpless, just because I felt helpless...
Sometimes, I just don't know if I could ever really smile again. I can go running & hiking with my friends, I can enjoy a dance or two with my partner, I can laugh at lame jokes you made... At times like these, I though I could actually lighten up, and maybe move on with life; but yet, the truth is, I still couldn't. There's this large hole you left in my heart, which could never seem to heal completely. Not with staying late in the library where I won't feel confined and alone. Not with drowning myself in all the work I can find. Not with studying but actually not digesting anything. Not with laughing, and playing with my friends. Not with dancing or singing or running or playing pool...
Maybe I need more time. Maybe I need more prayers. Maybe I need God's strength to make me stronger.
Father, I pray you'll see me through, just as you always did.
Father, you're my only hope, all that's left for me now.
Father, please help me survive this, at least, for every one more day...?
Hear the pleas of your child in despair, dear Father. And... Amen.
I wish I were like you, talent-fully playing your mesmerizing music, not the clumsy girl struggling with her footwork.
I wish I were like you, looked up upon with admiration, not the invisible, insignificant wallflower.
I wish I were like you, louder, voicing yourself to where people would listen.
I wish I were like you, steadier, just the phlegmatic person I'd so wanted to be.
I wish I were like you, smarter, so as to reason the way I couldn't.
I wish I were like you, stronger, so as to stand up to what you believe.
I wish I were like you, sharper, clear of all your directions and purposes.
I wish I were like you, braver, much more capable.
I wish I were like you, less dependent, more dependable...
Very often, I'd just wished to be better than what I am now.
You'd always tell me that you could deal with things perfectly well yourself. And yes, you normally always do. Sometimes, you seems just so fearless, like you're not scared of anything at all. The strong sense of secureness I find in you, is what so often made me so in awe.
You see, in many ways, I too, wished that I could make it on my own. But when things just never turn out right, when problems just couldn't cease to arise, I lose faith and sadly to admit, I start feeling frustrated of myself. To be frank, I was never contented with myself.
**************************
Dear Lord, I'm so so sorry. Forgive me for times like this when I hate myself so much, even when I know so well that I shouldn't. Forgive me for being so childish, so unappreciative, so foolishly adamant. After all I am your creation, O Lord; I am your child. And I know that you'll still love me just the way I am.
So Lord, at times like these, teach me not to complain of what you did not make me into, but instead, give thanks for what you made me into. Shine your light on me and in me dear Lord, widen my narrow perspective and capacity, show me that I can still work your glory with this mere self that I am.
In days to come, grant that I may seek not so much of everyone else's acceptance but yours, Father Lord. No, it's not that I will not change; yes, I shall learn to improve on where I am lack in. Just that this time around Lord, I will change for you and your favor; not into whatever stereotype that others willed me to be. I simply want to grow in your very own special mould for me, for I know that's what my best is to be.
Here is my thought, this is my plea, I just want to come to you now dear Lord, and surrender myself to you whole and whole. And I pray that you will bring the best out of me. That in all I am, and all I do, it will be glorifying to your name. Grant me strength, perseverance, directions, courage, and confidence; for every part of me which are in the dark, guide them to your shining path. I pray that in this newness of life, you'll open up my eyes and let me see just what I am capable of, Lord. Now and forever, make me your instrument to play your wonderful music.
Lord, sustain me by your mercy and grace, in your name I pray,
When you're a child lost in the shopping mall and couldn't find your mummy, helpless? When you're stuck in a traffic jam with only a minute to go before your interview, helpless? When you're watching a patient dying of final stage cancer, helpless?
I'm standing here still, unmoving. Watching the world crumble and crash around me, but I couldn't do anything. Helpless?
Sometimes, it feels like I'm hanging on when everything around me is tumbling down. How long could I hold on till I fall? How long could I stand till I break?
Save me, Father.
*******
Where am I? This isn't where I intended to be. Where are you? You are further and further away from my reach. Isn't it bliss? Don't you approve? One who keeps tearing around, One who can't move... Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns.
I couldn't stay this way forever. I'm tired. Pretty darn tired.
Help me, Father.
Isn't it rich? Isn't it queer? Losing my timing this late in my career, And where are the clowns? There ought to be clowns... Well, maybe next year.
Somehow or rather, I'm gonna find my way. Gonna stay strong.
Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hands, I'd give it all, I'd give for us, give anything but I won't give up...
So grant me strength, Father.
Amen.
*******
I love you, I have loved you all along, And I miss you, been far away for far too long, I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go, Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore.
Forgiveness, I’m still in the learning process of this subject these days. Seriously it proves to be a thousand times harder than all the medical books added together. Expected. It is actually always the same thing over and over again, but funny enough, it only gets harder and harder each time I had to face it.
I forgave, for all the times you apologize.
I forgave, for all the times you made me cry.
I forgave, for all the hurting.
I forgave, for all the waiting.
I forgave, for almost everything.
Yes, I do have a big heart. Never really bitched about anyone, anything, never really breathed much of a complain. So is it that this heart of mine is to be broken without fear or guilt? I don't understand.
I can't seems to understand anything now. Not even you, not even myself. I think I know this feeling. It felt like back then. Back to when I once penned down a post, two years ago. And true enough, when I reread it, it actually made sense. It actually made impact. And I am afraid.
"Forgive me for my ignorance, so as for my quietness, my lack of conversation at all times. Most of the time, it's just that I don't understand. It's just that I have nothing to say. Sorry.There were times when every one of you seems like a stranger to me, so familiar & yet, so unfamiliar. I can't juggle too much of these feelings, so I’m used to keeping everything to myself. Keeping everything in silence. I hide myself beneath a mask of what you see of me now. There are two sides of me---the part where I want to shout it all out, & the part where I just want to shut myself up & cry. I kept both to myself, & created one for you. One that you are so familiar with. So there. Please call me FAKE. For I too, no longer know who I am."
You see, when I can't see myself, it is then I know that deep down I'm hiding. Back under the cold mask of which took me so long to rid of, over the years. That's my problem. I hide when reality grows ugly, I run away and pretend like nothing had ever happened. I had became so good that I can even manage to convince myself. And I'm still jumping around, fooling and laughing like a carefree, happy girl.
It’s farce, I know. The realness I’m faking is making me disgusted of myself.
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I need to forgive and forget. If that ain't possible, I know that I'll be leaving soon. And that last resort is something I really wouldn't want to do. For one thing, I suck at saying goodbye.
I'll break, somehow or rather.
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So I turned to God for inspirations.
I prayed hard, and as though He lit a light in me, I suddenly remembered something in a book of my friend's that I had actually flipped through while waiting for CA to start, almost a year ago. It was this book, Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, discussing how biblical courtship worked for him and his wife, Shannon. There was this one part which lingered in my thoughts for long. When your past comes knocking, was the catchy title. It was a story based on real experiences.
It was a day, months after starting their relationship, when they decided to open up to each other. Went that in her younger days, Shannon hadn’t fully led a life of God’s consent. Apparently many a time, she had let her feelings and desire take over her spiritual conscience. To be more straightforward, she had committed sexual sins with her boyfriends in the past… and the story goes...
Anyhow, the issue there is, how you can face past sins (in this context, sexual sins) and experience God’s forgiveness.
The book illustrates Joshua’s struggle between forgiving and leaving. Yes, it is never easy to forgive. Especially when it concerns someone that you love, someone whom you care about so much, whose even a single word or a single glance would you hold ever so dearly in your palms. Sometimes, things are always easier said than done. Which is why many a time, when truths are revealed, relationships shatter.
But God is ever-forgiving.
It was said in the book:
1. Because of the Cross, you can absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your past sin.
2. Because of the Cross, you can confess your past sin to your loved one, even when you have to risk losing him/her forever.
3. Because of the Cross, you can forgive the past sin of another person.
There is no sin that is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness, as long as you truly repent. Yes, God is THAT forgiving. Praise the Lord!
So I guess the point is, (just in my way of thinking) when you reflect on it, God forgives, and you too, gotta learn to forgive. For by forgiving those who sins against you, you are following God’s footsteps. But the process might take long. This is when prayers are really essential. When you are weak but still gotta struggle, with feelings to juggle, prayers do help a lot. You can open up to Lord, all your hurt and distress, all your struggles and pain, and He always understands.
And so I will.
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It's hard to forgive sometimes, dear Father.
It's hard to move on, dear Father.
There will still be scars even if it's mended, Father.
There will still be thorns in my heart, Father.
There'll be times it still hurts, and tears might still fall, Father.
I am still just human, there are loads I might not be able to bear, Father.
Help me, Father. Help me through, I pray.
Hear me, Father. Hold me strong.
Amen.
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Guess I need time to re-evaluate.
Lord, shine your light on me, shine it so I can see which way to take. Either way, I'll lay my fate fully on your hands, dear Lord. For you are the almighty God who loves us so, & my only hope you are.
Junior doctor. Latin + pole dancer. Soon to be wife, and hopefully a mother, in future. Yes it is definitely possible, as long as you put your heart to it. Welcome to my life.
