Do you know that you still haunt my dreams at night?

"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart." ~ Nicholas Sparks (Nights in Rodanthe)

Sem 4 so far is pretty relaxing, too empty, even. But days were unproductive, except for the dancing. And much as I enjoy slacking, I don't like unproductive days. *Buck up gal, in your dance and in your studies. At least, DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL than to waste your days and weeks away!!! =(

I really should get myself going. I need to do better in my academics. I need to get better results in my next dance exam. (Big dreams, but I REALLY WANT to get Honours!!!) 

Dance Night coming up, gotta make sure things flow well for the night. Gotta make sure my probably last latin performance in IMU can be something memorable. Gotta make sure Dance Club is in good hands before I step down...

Prom is coming very soon too. I am not that hyped, not sure why. But then again, it's a once in a lifetime thing, I must make it there somehow. Wish it would be an enjoyable night, afterall. =)

My heart is not with me these days. I guess it's still with you, afterall. =( Broken and shattered, under your merciless feet... 

Maybe one day, I shall wake up from all the dreams that once haunted me. I shall wake, and see the dawn of a new day... =)






*so wanna read this book!!!*

Kay Kay Beeee!!!

Wasn't as bad as I expected. In fact, it was pretty FUN. Well, it wasn't perfect, wasn't wonderful; but then I would let them off and focus on the great things instead. *even the ridiculous scoldings we got every single day from nurse rita...? No!* =.=

Like the company maybe. Had a pretty good time with my roommates. 6 girls in a hostel room meant for 8 person. Not too crowded. We had real fun on the first night, playing a self created game which compromised of some drinking game + Truth or Dare... it was fun, really a wonderful ICEBREAKER!!! With lots of laughter, and a sore back (due to a limbo punishment in the end)... lolx... [Pity the guys who got our prank calls though...]

our room at the nursing hostel 

Hospital rotations were great too (apart from the constant presence of THE NOTORIOUS nurse rita) Seriously she is EVERYWHERE! (Even at the oddest hour, in the deepest heart of the Wad Bersalin where we were behind heavily-drawn curtains watching the nurses measure a dilation...) >.<
It was really a true-blue hospital setting, and it was kinda over-whelming for all of us at times. There were so many new things to be experienced and learnt, so many different cases, so many out-of-textbook cases we were yet to be exposed to... And many a time, we felt so small and humble by the fact that there are just so much medical knowledge that we don't know still.

So much I learnt, but the most significant, was to have more empathy to patients. It comes pretty naturally though, I would say. It was impossible not to empathize them when it comes down to really seeing them, talking to them, and getting their full history and all. (maybe a little TOO MUCH of empathy for our own good T__T)

And for the first time ever, I did really feel the desire to help them. It's not like in the past when people ask you, why do you want to be a doctor? You will tell them the standard answer, because I want to save lives and help people; whereas deep down you might not even mean what you were saying. This time around, my heart was the one saying that. And it was so unbelievable that it surprised me. I never was one who has the passion for being a doctor, saving lives and all, but now, maybe, just maybe... I had actually started to like this job a little? Maybe I'm learning. Maybe I'm changing. Whatever it is, I'm embracing it! ^__^

Initially I thought I was going to suffer there, but apparently I did not. Even the absence of internet (my drug) was bearable. Even the cold water baths at night I found refreshing. Even the unknown bugs flying around and biting me were forgiven. Even the dirty, hard bunk bed provided me with great nights of sleep. And the food there were NICE, I have to admit.

In fact, it awakened the carefree young village girl in me, one that was long forgotten and hidden among the layers of growing up. It was like I was transported back to the days when I was that little girl, living in that little village I was so fond of. To the life I had before I moved to Ipoh. Those childhood days where I never knew what was the internet, where I take cold water baths from wells, where I catch bugs and tadpoles, and run around barefooted, catching fishes in paddy field, watching stars and chasing the moon at night.
And I realized that even though I had long since moved on, I do miss those days sometimes... =(


Too much of nostalgic crap here, time to stop. =)

KKB, a nice learning experience, leaving me with much to ponder upon... 
Kinda helped me find myself again. 
I think sometimes we do need quiet isolation as such, so that we can finally get to listen to that little voice from deep inside our hearts...  

Hurt

4th August 2010

It's a month into Sem 3. CVS is officially over. Moving on to Respi next week... Workload is suffocating. Such a wonder to think what merely a month could do to you! And it's even wonderful to think that Sem 3 would last for 7 months at least?!

It builds you or destroys you. Saves you or kills you.

Sem 3, don't kill me, please. I still have many unfinished wills. Have mercy, I beg thou.


It's an hour past midnight now. Today was downright tiring, but I still ain't sleeping. Lecture notes to catch up with. AIR topic untouched yet with deadline looming ahead.


Samba class today was nice. While it made me realize just how much I miss dancing, it made me realize too just how much I SUCK AT MY DANCE. My Samba was lousy, I know. By the way William laughs at me, I just knew that I'm merely a dissapointment to my Sifu.

Sifu, Sifu... It had only been a month, actually. But it sure felt like decades that I havent seen her already.

I miss her. I really do.
If only she knew.

And yet again, she was so far from me. So... distant, to put it in a better way. And no, it's not the problem with how many kilometers we are apart.

At times, I would wonder; if there were this one moment, that she truly loved me at all? Sometimes reminiscing the past, I thought there really were moments as such. The times she touched my hands, the times she looked into my eyes, the times she ran her hands over my hair... and even recently during her anniversary dinner, when she called me over to her side, wrapped her arm around my waist, and demanded the photographer to take a picture of us together...

It was times like those, when I would feel that she truly loved me as a student of hers, and not think of me as a passerby who comes and goes. Truth is, my heart was always there...


It broke my heart, the day Ah Nee Aunty said that I wasn't considered a student of my Sifu. Ouch. How much it hurts, to have the only teacher that you've known and loved telling you right in your face, that she had never considered you as her student.

But in this case, Sifu wasn't there, so I didn't know if that was what Sifu thought of me all this while, or was it merely Ah Nee Aunty's perception? I really really wanted to know what my Sifu truly thinks about me.


You see, nowadays, I just didn't dare to be so sure about anything anymore.

And it breaks my heart to think that love was merely my own perception, and that she never really did give a damn about me.


I wonder if I had ever hurt her in any way. I'm pretty sure I didn't.

But before I did even hurt her, she hurt me first.

She hurt me, by being so skeptical, expecting me to leave even when I am not going to. By doubting me, building walls to keep me away when all I ever did was loving her and trying hard to protect her feelings.


I didn't cry when I was seven and had my eye operation.

I didn't cry when I was ten and had a piece of my flesh cut out by the doctor to perform a skin test.

I didn't cry when I was fifteen and menstrual pain sent me rolling in my bed.

I didn't cry when I was nineteen and a metal rod was pierced right through my flesh and came out the other end.

But I cried the night after I heard what Ah Nee Aunty said.

I cried the first 3 times Sifu didn't pick up my call.

I cried merely at the thought of her dis-owning me, perhaps?

Call me a cry-baby. I cry, because I care. Cared so much.
Cared TOO MUCH, perhaps...


Will be going back this Thursday. I would so wish to see her.
Just to see how she was doing. Visit and talk, maybe yum cha? ^_^
The last time I managed to call her, she was sick. And I was worried. That was about 3 weeks ago? Should have recovered by now. Guess I'd better check on her.

Most of all, check to see if she is happy. With life, with everything. Just wanna make sure that no one, or nothing hurts her further. As long as she is happy, I'll be happy for her too.

Ohhh, and to tell her I love her! I guess everyone would be happy to be loved, right? ^___^

My own questions, maybe I could leave it till later? Or maybe I just wouldn't want to spoil her day. I had contemplated for so long, but everytime I see her, I could never bear to ask. Instead, I try my best to always cheer her up, because seeing her happy smile makes everything wothwhile I guess.

Because she is awesome.

She was and forever will be, my beloved Sifu;

the one who taught me everything I know now,

the one who believed in me even when the whole world didn't,

the one who fetched me to her studio when my parents refused to send me,

the one who made me laugh, made me cry, and made me grow along the way...

You were so right, I'm really a dummy, am I not? ^___^

But I'm happy enough as it is. That's all that matters I guess!

Happenings?

Life had never been so happening before. Seriously this post will look like a thesis if I were to write about all these stuff I had over the past months...

I didn't know that being a sem 2 medical student in IMU is THAT busy. I didn't know that the workload could be so suffocating. I didn't know that time could pass so fast. I didn't know that exams could be so stressful it can drive you nuts...

Thank God I am still pretty sane after all that turmoil of EOS 2.


I'll forever remember the desperate measures we came up with, to memorize the never-ending list of viruses, pharmaco, antimicrobials...
EBV (en en's disease =p) with infectious mononucleosis, JC & bak-ku-teh, the fierce mother story of Picornaviridae...
Terfenadine, Loratadine... Trimetaphan, Hexamethonium...
4 generations of Cephalosporin's story...
My self-created Ovulation Phase Contemporary Dance...
And not to forget the most well-known JOINT DANCE... (credits to Pak) =p =p =p


I'll remember the late night studying in Sg.Besi McD. Drinking coke for the caffeine and sugar rush to keep ourselves awake up till 5am.
I'll remember the 4 consecutive days of eating nasi goreng kampung.Ill remember the days of unkempt hair, dark eye circles, the forever tired look, and holding notes wherever we go.


Oh, and had I told you yet, I changed church? Frm ACTS to New Life Restoration Centre. Felt much more at home there...


There were pretty much happenings in my dance life too, at least, more than I expected. And srsly, I'm really thankful to God for all these wonderful opportunities given to me. And also for all the nice friendly people I got to know along the way.


KLDA is a pretty nice place, I've come to know. The people there were friendly, and I adore the big open spaces and smooth polish floor. Got to attend a ballroom dance workshop, learnt some little detailed tips and insights of Waltz and Tango. But with what little that I knew, I am still very very far behind in Ballroom. Guess imma focus on my Latin first. ^_^






The best still, was working as volunteer at the KLDA Rising Star Competition. I was assigned as floor runner (the one who runs around collecting score sheets from judges after every dance) and also to help out with the prizes onstage (literally meaning arranging and giving out prizes to presenters). It was a wonderful experience all in all, it was my first time watching a live competition, and to be involved in the organising team, even though a small role it might be, it was more than I had asked for. *And I got appreciation flowers!* Awesome eye-opener for me.. O.O (thanks a zillion, Kevin, for giving me the chance!!!)


What's more, I was elected IMU Dance Club President!!! Okie, you guys might think what's the big deal about it, but to me, it means a lot. A pretty 'dead' club it might be now, but I still LOVE it. Dance is like the only getaway for me from all the madness of my uni life, like a sip of iced-tea on a hot summer's day...=p Frankly, I've never been any president for anything before, so yea, a challenge it is. But challenge shall I stand up to. To try my best to raise a 'dead' club back to life, to introduce, and to spread the love towards this wonderful form of Art among all of IMU community. To spread the gospel of dance... gosh, I sound like some minister here. But then again... yay!!! And I'm glad to have a bunch of real awesome committee to back me up, together we can do this!!!



TO kick off, we had already arranged a couple of dance classes in IMU, hip hop and latin... hopefully more to come! And the classes were great. I joined both classes, and had lots and lots of fun with my friends there. Although I SUCK BIG TIME in Hip-Hop, the nights we spent sweating through our routines and laughing at each other's funniness totally ROCKS. And the late night drinks at the roadside mamak!!! ^_^


Latin wasn't a breeze either, in fact, it kicks ass! For one, it was Salsa, which I had totally NO IDEA how was that dance like. And the instructor was Mr. William, my sifu's sifu!!! Which is scareee!!!! Which means my sifu will know, what a DISGRACE I am. T__T


And as I expected, Mr William did tell her about me. They refused to tell me the contents, but I figured out it might not be anything good? And trust me, you wouldn't want to know how badly Sifu teased me when I got back to her. She's really ADORABLE. =P

And oh, she said she'll train me for medalist test, if I want. I had always though she never had plans for me, but she did. Maybe, after all these years, I had finally become more and more a student of hers?
Maybe, maybe. ^_^


In the meantime, I gotta enjoy my holidays to the VERY FULLEST!!! Imma getting my private lesson next Wednesday! *excited*
And studio's anniversary dinner is coming soon! *looking forward*

Life is just so wonderful when there is dance... ^_^

Dance Diary Part 8 - Of Passion and Priorities

The whole week passed by in fury, in hurry. Performed my contemp dance not once, but twice on the same week. Once on Monday, and once yesterday. And also the fan dance.


Lots of last minute information and changes; atrium floor not available for our 2nd contemp performance, and we had to make do with the stage which is less than half the size of the floor, while risking throwing ourselves down the stage every leap we made. And our fan dance too, had to be performed on an outdoor make-shift carpeted stage that was wobbly and had gaps we might accidently stick our toes in, with a weakly-supported windshield that almost fell onto us when the wind blew from behind during one of our last-minute practice session. Good thing we crawled and ran away in time before the whole thing came crashing onto the ground we had been just a few seconds earlier.


We braced through everything, though surely, with flaws and a little something here and there, but still with multitude of praises and gratitude along the way. However this was when I thought, that's enough for now. I've had enough of dance performances for now. I needed rest. Badly needed a rest. My body hurt like hell, it felt as though I was ran over by a truck ten times. There were bruises all over my legs, shoulders and backside, and my wrist hurt cuz I used it all the time to absorb the momentum of my fall when I slammed myself onto the ground. My toes were peeled and scratched from all that pointing and pirouetting on barefoot...


Yes indeed, it was fun, learning new dances, facing up to new challenges. But I'm tired. Not that I don't enjoy dancing anymore, but I have to be rational. There is always a limit to everything, I had learnt. Much as I wanted to take every single opportunity I get to do whatever I love, there are other duties of mine that I couldn't neglect.
No, I don't mind the pain, I could stand way worse.
No I don't mind the challenge, it helped me learn even more.


It was the consequences that distresses me.
Like neglecting my studies. Like my deteriorating health...


There are some things that come before passion, and those, are called priorities.
I've learnt.


I'm a first year medical student.
not a dancer, not a performer, not a charity worker...
And I should know my priorities...



So long for now, imma gonna take a break from all these for the timebeing. Till I set everything right again. Don't worry, I'm not gonna stop or give up on dancing. Never. I'm just resting and regenerating, for the long journey ahead.. *winks* (Indeed, my dance journey's gonna be a real long, slow-progressing one. You'll gonna have the patience if you wanna walk with me...! =p)

Neways, I'll leave you with...

Memories! It was really nice dancing with you all... ^_^

Till the next time we meet again...

Dance Diary Part 7 - Of Bruises and New Challenges

Contemporary. Not something I had ever dreamt of doing.


But due to unforseen circumstances, I am struggling on a contemporary piece with nada basics at all to start with, and with a deadline looming just a week ahead. Merely a week to get a genre that is totally strange to me presentable for performance, omg, I FEEL the pressure the dancers experienced in SYTYCD. But if this is SYTYCD, I confirm GG dy.


One main lesson learnt about contemp --- You gotta immerse yourself into the dance.
Feel the music, move with the flow, express the feelings and tell the story with your body. For contemp, YOU DANCE WITH YOUR ENTIRE BODY. Forget about body isolation.
Certainly a new challenge for me, as one who is so used to being in the restricted frame of latin ballroom dance.


Worst still, we gotta practically 'throw' ourselves all over the dancefloor. Dear me, the bruises. Imagine jumping up high in the air, spin the other way, and land with your backside on the hard floor. Imagine running and throwing yourself face-down onto the floor, and then have another person land on top of you. Imagine 'crawling' on the floor with your hands. And there are the triple pirouettes. Omg, pirouettes. One thing I had never done before in my life, nor had I imagined myself doing... to be learnt in a week's time. Not a single pirouette, but a triple pirouette complete with another normal spin and finishing it off by dropping down onto the ground. Oh my my my... T.T


The whole process spelt H-A-R-D-S-H-I-P. And to top it off, it clashed with MEDTCH110 orientation, where I was supposed to be Orientation Officer for Group 9. And there was this special CNY function for IMU staff and lecturers, in which we were again, asked to perform our fan dance. Never knew that dance could be so in demand! And so, practically, I was up and about most of the time; practising my contemp, practising fan dance, running about with the juniors, having late night supper with my group... Tiring, and at times, I just wish to get some rest for my weary body and mind...

Signing off to bed.

ZZZzzzzzzz....

Dance Diary Part 6 - Of Shaky Hands and Broken Fans

It's CNY and I'm back in Ipoh. The past week was a blur of colours; lectures, performances, celebrations... all these flew by so fast I couldn't even keep track of them. A very happening week, I would say. A tightly-packed schedule, a three-day-long CNY celebration, two dance performances, a birthday celebration, and a journey HOME!!! ^_^

I'll leave CNY happenings for later, as this is a dance diary, and I should focus more on ahem... dance. So the week started with lots and lots of practise, and late dinners. By about 9pm on Tuesday night when we were still training Latin, I was already very much exhausted. It wasn't easy to juggle two dances at one time, both so demanding in different aspects. For Latin I need to have high flexibility, speed and sharpness. For fan dance, I need to have good control of the fan, strength and musicality...


What's more, our Latin Dance performance was on Wednesday, and by Tuesday still, we were tired and aching, having difficulties executing stunts, as well as keeping up with the timing. My spins were wobbly, and our dance lacked energy. And frankly, I was pretty worried about not being able to be in top form to bring our best performance the next day. And the last thing I wanted to do, is to dissapoint my Sifu with such lousy performance. It was my first official Latin Dance performance, and I really wanted it to be good. I wanted to see where it would bring me, all that Sifu had taught me for the past months I had been learning from her. Most of all, I wanted to dance better than I was...


Wednesday came feeling a little more refreshed and energized. It was much better, the practise we had before our lecture. Things were getting right, and though still nervous as hell, I was feeling lighter. I danced with my new shoes, as the old pair was already pretty loose and wobbly. I didn't want to think that, but it might be high time my old pair of dance shoes are to retire. It was my first pair of dance shoes and I do treasure it a lot. It sure saddens me to think that I might not be able to dance in it anymore... T.T

Had to wear my Latin costume to lecture, beneath a jacket, due to lack of time to change after lecture. And when the time of performance came at about 1.30pm, we were already all dressed and waiting by the atrium with a large crowd circling the perimeter of the atrium from all floors. It was a little nerve-wrecking, the sight of it. There were even many friends of ours who purposely skipped the beginning of their lecture, just to stay back to watch us. For that, I am really really grateful.




















Was the performance well? Yeah. Was it good? Not really. But we did give in 100% of what our weary bodies could manage. I think the audience had a good time watching. But as dancers, we knew it wasn't a great performance. There were times our timing was a little off, there were times we weren't sharp enough, there were times our balance wasn't well, and there was an air of nervousness throughout. Wei Jin told me his hands were shaking throughout, and I think mine were too. The audience might not notice all of these, but it wouldn't escape the eyes of professionals. If my Sifu was here, I wonder what would she say.



Sorry Sifu, I still ain't nowhere near soaring yet. I wish you won't be dissapointed with me.

I had been your student for nearly two years; but I had only been learning for about 6 months. I don't know if other 6-month-old dancers were the same level as me, but I so hope I ain't the worst.


You see, as I said, I am never a talented dancer, just a passionate dancer. I wonder if the love could bring me far...?


Neways, we didn't get to rest. Not that soon. There was still Fan Dance to go on Thursday. Practice was gruelling, and throughout the night of practice, several fans were broken, due to over-using of strength while opening and closing our fans. That was the difficult thing about fan dance, we need strength to create the dramatic effect with our fan, but the strength had to be well controlled to not end up in a fan-breaking disaster. Our ciplak RM7.90 cloth fan isn't really that durable, to be honest.


And soon enough, Thursday came and went. And thankfully, I get to have some rest after such a hectic week. We didn't do really well in our Fan Dance though we did have a great time. If I could describe our dance in one word, it'll be... hilarious!!! Thanks to En En, and you'll know why. Actually for such a difficult genre done in such a short time, and consisting of so many people who aren't professionals, there ain't much to expect from. The synchronisation wasn't good, the energy level was lacking, the moves weren't expressive, some fan broke, some people forgot steps, some people halted midway in their dance to pick up money from the floor (that's En En)!!! We had a good laugh over everything after our performance, so it was an enjoyable experience all in all. ^_^

























P/S: Looking forward to visiting my Sifu a few days later!!!
And spending the New Year with you... =p

Btw, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Day 95 - Dance Diary Part 5 - Of Patience and Confidence

I thought my dance diary had to be temporary frozen when I am back to IMU, but strangely enough for this time, it's still hot and happening! *Yay!!!* =p

And seriously the amount of dancing didn't get any lesser when I am back here, instead, it increased... A LOT. Over the past week I had been here in IMU, there was not a day which I didn't dance. And for the past Friday and Saturday, I had been dancing for at least 5 hours per day! Firstly, we had to practice our Cha Cha routine to perform next Wednesday for the CNY Celebration Week. But mostly were to practise our Chinese Fan Dance routine which was pretty difficult, thanks to Wei Jin who found this routine which initially was danced by some China Dance Company/Dance School thingy... So you can imagine how good they are, and how hard it is to execute the routine the way they did. And that being said, if I were to ever be able to dance so well, I won't be in IMU in the first place, I'll be happily earning my dance degree in some prestigious Art School, rather than reserching on Streptococcus sp. for my annoying PBL tomorrow...


The problems didn't end here; we couldn't find a good fan. Initially we bought a ciplak furry red plastic fan, which furs fall off after only one day of practice. The incredible Wei Jin even tore his fan into strips of sticks. So much for our RM5.90 furry fan. We had to buy new ones in Petaling Street, this time, a red-cloth-wooden-handle fan. This fan is bigger, but harder to control too. Especially for a left-handed person like me. *Sigh*




So that spells MORE MORE MORE TRAINING!!!


You see, as much as I love dancing, I was never a talented dancer. Dance doesn't come easy to me. For one, I never really knew how to use my body. I wonder why I wasn't like other girls when I was young, curious about doing cartwheels, bridges and splits... Seriously when I was young, I never even did anything as much as shaking my hips before. Maybe because of my shy personality, I never dared to. And now I pretty much regretted it, having to train my stiff bones and body to do all those splits and spins and moves they had never explored before. It amazes me how much human body can actually do, each time I see a new move or style. Though much as I wanted to achieve them all, there were still limits to my ability. Born with MVP and hence being generally weak, also made things harder for me, as long hours of dancing drains me fast.


But just so you know, a slow learner as I am, I do still presevere in learning what I really wanted to learn. Different types of dances, different types of moves. It might take me long, it might distress me at times, but for the love of it, I never gave up. Do forgive me for the times I lagged behind, for the times I couldn't comprehend the mechanisms of each move, for the times I lost my confidence and wavered in my steps. Give me time, and slowly I'll improve.


However, I understand not every teacher out there could be that patient. For this, I really would like to thank my Sifu, for all the patience she had for me, for all her encouragements and efforts to lift me up even when I was slow and unsteady. She never extinguishes my confidence. Don't get me wrong, she does critic me a lot, maybe just the way she presented it. And I am really grateful. You see, new, shy and afraid as I was when I first took up Latin dance, I suppose if she wasn't tactful enough, I might have just thought of myself as a total failure and never dared to dance again. It is all because of her that I grew from a super shy girl to who I am today, braver, more confidence, more motivated.


When my parents thought I was only wasting my time, when my friends doubted me... my Sifu was the only one who was there to support me, through the difficult, low self-esteem phase. Even now, there are people who still doubted me, there are people who still looks down on me; for times as such, I couldn't say that it does not affect me; truth is, it hurts a lot, and it does bring me down.

Sifu's the one who lifted me up again, forever like a confidence booster to me. She might not be the most skilled teacher in the world, but to me, she's the best. Always my inspiration. Without her, I wouldn't have made it this far.


And now, I'm missing her a lot. *sob*

Cha Cha performance next Wednesday! Even when I'm tired, I shall train well.
Gotta make Sifu proud. ^_^




















Praying hard,
Christine

Day 36 - Sick

It sucks being sick. But that is what I am now.


It all started yesterday. Started off with fever, around afternoon. It didn't get any better at night. And I had sort of a sore throat, and flu symptoms starting up too. I was cold and freezing in the library, even with my sweater and lab coat on. I didn't feel warmer even when I went out of the library. And my temperature kept on rising. My body was hot as fire, but I felt cold as ice. Pretty torturing, to tell the truth. And worse still, I didn't have the strength to walk back to my Vista. My whole body was aching, my head throbbing and my chest paralyzed. On top of all that, I couldn't think straight. It was as though my brain wasn't functioning, and I was talking unconsciously. Seriously, I felt like dying, and it scares me. When I finally managed to get back home, I fell on my bed right away, shivering under my covers, I fell asleep.


Woke up this morning, sweating all over. I felt much better, my high fever had subsided. Just when I thought I am going to be alright, the nightmare came. I coughed and sneezed, and out came bloody sputum. I coughed a few more times, and out came more blood. T.T Heck, coughing up blood wasn't a good sign at all. I went to the toilet, and another nightmare struck me. There was blood in my urine too.


What now? I felt like a terminally ill patient. Gosh, would I die? Yes, seriously thoughts of dying filled my mind. You might say I am just too young and all, but truth is, I never thought of dying as something THAT far away as you all might say. For one, it could happen anytime...

Not that I am ready to die yet, though.

I was rushed to the clinic by my friend right after lectures. According to the doctor, I coincidently had cough, flu, and urinary tract infection. (UTI.. it's either that, or something worse... like... kidney problem... I dun wanna think about that... brrr.....) So he gave me a whole load of medicine, antibiotics too; and if I hadn't gotten better by Monday, I'll be subjected to further diagnosis. Whoa, that doesn't sound good at all. Hope that wouldn't happen to me. To be seeing the doctor once is bad enough, I don't want to end up revisiting him again and again. Please no...


And now, amongst all those worries and illness, I still had to study for my upcoming summatives. But then again, I don't think I could manage to study any good today, all that medicine is making me a little restless and drowsy... Think I'll take a short nap... maybe......... now....................

zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ....


P/S: Dear Father, is this my time? If it isn't, please heal me, grant me good health I pray. But if it is, O Lord, may I die a peaceful death. Then dear Lord, I pray that you would take me to heaven, to live with thee there... Whichever way it is, I succumb my all into your hands, and go where you would lead me to. Amen.

Orientation @ IMU

Disclaimer : Long post ahead.
Warning : Might cause discomfort of eyes and neck pain.
Note: Make sure you are in a comfortable position and have ample time on hand before proceeding to read this post.

So I had got through my 2-week-long orientation and 2 weeks of lecture too; no worries, I'm still alive & breathing. Thank God.

Orientation wasn't as nightmarish as what I heard from the seniors. Wasn't at all torturing, in fact, I thought it was real FUN. But I'm sure the new friends & wonderful OOs I met definitely contributed loads to the joy of orientation. Kudos to the orientation committee too, who'd all worked so hard to make it a success. Just so you know, the effort you guys put into this wonderful orientation is greatly appreciated by us. Salud.

It'll be yards long if I were to ever blog on everything about orientation, so I'll just touch on the tip of the iceberg for every event throughout the weeks, and let the pictures explain the rest.


First, the ice-breakers. Srsly we were DRENCHED! With water, soya sauce, eggs, flour, ink... But it was fun and whats more, my beloved group 9 (The Mix) won!!! It was indeed a great start, our spirits were so high, we even won all the cheer fights! (thanks to Min Yi's earth-shaking voice =p)



This was during dry ice-breakers. And yup, when I was clean and dry. =p And that siao kia with me is beloved Mr Orientation President...
(btw, I was wearing the orientation t-shirt... Theme: Checkmate. I simply love the word 'pawn' there on my sleeve...lol)



This was after wet ice-breakers, with our winning cheer Hoo-Hah!!!
Supper at mamak after that, along with 'interrogating sessions'... T.T (No pics to show.)



Next on was Indoor Treasure Hunt. It was sorta complicated and challenging, especially with the presence of dark knights and dark bishops whose job are to 'take our lives'. (and seriously they did scare the life out of us by ambushing and attacking us unaware) Indoor treasure hunt was supposed to be fun, with all the clue-searching in the dark and even a chess game at the end, but somehow it didn't went well for our group. For one reason, we kena sabotaged. Our clues were nowhere to be found, some were moved out of bearing, some were torn at the edge... even more, some disappeared and magically reappeared again when we went back to search for the 2nd time... Intentional or not, I wouldn't know. But still, we'd already tried our best. At least we won our chess game, which places us in 2nd last place. Not that bad... ^_^



We did have lots of fun during the mamak session after the exhausting hunt... Thanks Justin for the "who is this?" game!


Outdoor Treasure Hunt totally compensated for it. It was carried out at the Bkt Jalil park nearby. It was loads and loads of fun...and getting dirty. Pity the guys, with their half-naked bodies smeared with oil and ink and all... what a sight for us girls... =p (no, I'm not even half as horny as ahem.. other girls in my group; you know who u are!)
Just that the raw egg with twisties part was a little disgusting. Poor MinYi, she swallowed almost 3 quarters of that, while I ate the other one quarter. Moreover the smell of raw egg lingered in my mouth for ages... eww yucks!



And again, for treasure hunt, we champed it. So all the hardship we went thru were WELL WORTH!!!^_^



Jay dipping her hand into some unknown liquid (I figured out oil, kicap, water, chili sause, dried chili, carrots...) to find a 20 cents shilling...



Passing a ??? (some kind of vege) with our feet... it's darn slippery, coated with oil and all...



Our group OO leader, Sylvester and another guy, with the epic titanic pose... lololololol...



Bracing ourselves for the maggie mee bath... (it's cooked maggi mee, plus the ajinomoto soup, diluted with cold water) *find it quite refreshing though =p*




CF station, the best station of all. It's only posing and camwhoring...(our talent...muahaha) The theme for this photo is --- Stages of Human Growth. (note the dead person at the left end..ROFL)





Poor guys, doing "facial"... (it's flour plus cucumber and other unknown substance)








Wet, dirty, but happy us... at the end of the day... =p


And on Sunday, Track Trip. Out of IMU activity, that was. Our destination were Lot 10, BB Plaza, and Pavillion. No no, not to go shopping of course, but to film videos, commercials, and camwhore according to posters around the destination. And it doesn't matter one bit to us that people kept staring as if we were some out-of-mind idiots and all. (Eh, kua ha mi kua!!! Wa lang mm si xiao gai la...)
& the best thing was, on the way back to IMU, we sang The Bachelor Boy song all the way on the LRT. Damn enthu wei...


At the start of our track trip!!!



Posing as L'oreal girls...



Imitating the Padini poster behind us... with some sporting passer-bys (the couple on the right)




Posing as Tugu Negara, in Lot 10... which got us scolded by the shop owner in the end... T.T





Normal group photo in front of Pavillion, before we head back to IMU.

************

The second week came by, mostly comprised of performance-based events. Tuesday was Dress Code. It was some screening of videos that each of the orientation groups made earlier. We were all given a specific theme, which we were asked to film a video based on it. Our group's was trailer to a horror movie. And I was the ghost. (wuuuu wuuu) It took us quite a lot of effort, getting up at 6am to film the dark deserted IMU building and PBL rooms... but the reviews for our trailer were good, we even got a standing ovation!!! Even though in the end we lost by 2 marks to the leading team, we were still pretty satisfied about our work.


The next day we had Telematch. The most physically-challenging orientation activity. And the one which we got MOST DIRTY AND STINKY AND HURT... (It was a wonder how Wei Jin and I still manage to overcome the pain and dance on the next day, considering that he hurt his knees, had leg cramps twice while I had a large piece of skin scraped off my left feet... ouch!!!)
But what's more, ahem ahem... MORE TOPLESS GUYS!!! muahahahahahaha.....


We started off clean and fresh...



Caterpillar Walk!!! Across muddy grounds summore, serious, the mud even got into my underpants! Swt...



Decorating the guys to the theme - India. Srsly I don't know why butter on the nipples have anything to do with that theme... =.=




Posing with our 'masterpieces'... =p



Maheen wanted to take a bath...


Fore-and-aft method of transporting people to the other side @ First Aid station.



Seniors VS juniors Tug Of War...



Still going strong after telematch... we rock!!!


And still right the day after, we had Variety Nite. A night of stage performances. Perhaps the best and cleanest event we ever had in the whole orientation. But the practice part for our performance was friggin' hectic. Except for the dance part I was going to do with Wei Jin (yes, we were to dance a Rumba together instead of the usual lovey-dovey actings), which we prepared 2 days ago; everything else were last-minute. We finalized the plot only around 1am on the day of V.Nite itself. Discussed, practised and painted props till 4.30am in the morning before we finally headed off to bed... totally exhausted.


But guess what, WE WON VARIETY NIGHT!!! And to be frank, V.Nite was a blast. We had the most fun ever, despite all the previous hassle and frustration due to lack of time for preparation, unsettled plots, disagrement on stuff... etc...
Thanks everyone for the hard work you guys did to make this a success!!!


The preparation... our movie theme : Pirates of The Carribean



Jack Sparrow! Wonderful props and design right?


Davy Jones, the tentacle guy... He looks less scary with weeds as tentacles... =p


Gracias everyone who had made the performance a success...



Me and my partner, Wei Jin, in one of our Rumba move... Thanks everyone who love our dance. There were still many flaws really, but I really appreciate the support you guys gave us... ^_^

Finale Nite was on Friday, the last day of orientation. Just a dinner together, to watch performance, to dance, and to announce the overall winner for the M209 Orientation-Checkmate. The theme was Back And White. And for our ever-so-creative group 9, we went dressed in Black and White alrite, but... as OLD FOLKS. While everyone else were twirling around in elegant dresses and suits, we made our grand entrance, pushed around in wheelchair, holding walking sticks or bent over, walking in slow and shakily. I never knew dressing up as old people could be THAT fun. We even had a family tree planned out for that, complete with great grandfather, bachelor uncles, old spinsters, bimbotic aunts, old couples with rebelious children, and even a mistress (which is me, but still 103 years old.. oh no.. sorry I forgot, it's 102 only..)




Taking a group photo after making our grand entrance... lolx...



Great grandfather and great grandmother competing against the other groups for the Best Dressed Award.



Funny that at the end of the night, we looked much younger, and much more energetic. (the powder on our hair & our old ppl makeup wore off...=p)

Nevertheless, it was a night to remember, as our group was crowned THE OVERALL CHAMPION for M209 Orientation - Checkmate!!! Weeeeee!!!!



Rejoycing together.

(Sorry, I don't have the photo of us receiving the hamper from Mr Presie Joash yet... will upload next time when I get it.)

Before I end, let me shout out...

I heart you , group 9!!!

Till I Can Make It On My Own

Recently I'm pretty into this song. It's old really, not sure who was the original singer, but I just sorta stumbled upon the Billy Gilman's version not long ago. The lyrics captivates me a lot. And it sounds extra touching, with his kiddo voice and all. *winks*


What's more, it feels kinda like my theme song for now.. coping with my new life here. It's hard sometimes but, I'm sure I'll get on with it. I just wanna give thanks to God for blessing me with such great friends and seniors who stay with me through all these time. Not just to accompany me at times I might ever feel lonely, but to offer me advices along the way, picking me up whenever I fall, offering help whenever I need them... and yeah, till I can make it on my own.

But one thing for sure, even when I've fully adapted to life here and all in future, I won't wanna walk the rest of the way on my own. For I am happy being with you all.

I’ll need time, to get you off my mind, and I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you, even ask too much of you from time to time, now and then, Lord you know I need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own.

I’ll get by, but no matter how I tried, there’ll be times you know I’ll call, chances are my tears will fall, and I’ll have no pride at all, from time to time, but they say, How there’ll be a better day, but till then I’ll lean on you, that’s all I meant to do, till I can make it on my own.

Surely someday I’ll look up and see the morning sun, without another lonely night behind me, then I know I’m over you and all my crying’s done, and no more hurting memories will find me.

But till then, Lord you know I’m gonna need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own, till I can make it on my own…


And gracias again guys for being there for me. ^_^

And to you Siao Kia, (although you always call me Siao Za Bo for who-knows-whatever-reason), I feel really blessed having a senior like you. ^_^
Thanks for the help, and thanks for the books. You'd patiently (though I'm sure sometimes you might be pissed off as well...lol...) answered all my questions & concerns, even the most random ones like where is the aircond place to eat in Sri Petaling... (okay srsly that wasn't my idea, it was under my group's request.. btw, sorry for bothering you at lecture T.T)

To grp 9 ppl : Gone ady la, what's left of my reputation!!! Sob...

Anyway, it's midnite so... ciao for now, thx Lau for the internet!!!

Shattered...

11.09.2009

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Everyone around me was asking me to chill. Be phlegmatic, they say. But surprisingly, I couldn’t.

It shocked me as well. I never, never used to lose my calm. Maybe this time was different. I didn’t know it meant so much to me.

I never knew.

It was not like any other feeling I remembered. It was this feeling as if the whole world came crashing down on you at that very moment. Speechless was all I could be. Maybe it would be better if I could cry. But surprisingly again, the tears just won’t come. And I just got stuck on the verge of breaking down.

It hurts. It friggin’ hurts. It stings like someone giving you a cold slap right on your face. And I so hope it could be a real slap instead. Even that might be better. At least the physical pain won’t last as long.

I never thought you would ever hurt me.

What made it a lot worse was that it wasn’t for once or twice. Four times. Yes, four. They tell me I gotta let it go. So I did. Once I did, twice I did… but I really don’t know why it kept coming back to me, time after time. Seriously, how many times can I take before I break?

So I left. I don’t want to stay another minute, I can’t bring myself to say another word, can’t even bear to have one more look.

I was afraid.

They wouldn’t understand. And I just couldn’t tell them. How could I ever tell when I myself was just as confused? This heart of mine, why oh why, even I couldn’t understand it now.

I’m shattered. But still, the tears won’t fall.

You see, this had nothing to do with you, even when everything’s about you. Maybe just between me and myself.

I really should have listened to my friends.

I’m still learning to forgive and forget.