Day 9 - Letter To A Friend

It's still cold here. Inside and out. I don't know why it never leaves me, not since... I don't even remember when it was. But it certainly felt like ages ago.

There is no warmth. Even more since he left. And now I'm freezing, even with my thick cardigan on. Even with food and hot drinks. And I think I know why. I miss your warm smile. How long had I not seen it? Three weeks? Or maybe a month? Guess it had been long.

You see, in your smile, I can always find secureness, warmth and comfort.
When I was down, you smiled. And it lifted me up again.
When I cried, you smiled. And strangely enough, it eased my tears much better than words of comfort.
When I though I couldn't do it, you smiled. And it renewed my strength and confidence.


Yes. Your smile could always light up my day.
But you wouldn't know; and I never told you.



I just can't figure out why, but you sure seems to have changed, again. Over the years I'd known you, I saw your changes throughout, even when there used to be many months before we meet each other again. I was always your friend in distance and in silence, was never close, rarely hanged out with you. Sometimes I wonder if this could even be considered friendship. But regardless of whether you take me as your friend or not, you are still, always mine. =p

Always the silent observer;
but just so you know, if you were ever in need or in distress, I would always be there for you, always willing to offer you whatever mere help I am capable of giving.



These days, I wonder if you were bothered by any problems, but never dared to ask. You see, as much as I treasure you as a really nice friend, I am still, at times afraid of you. I don't know if it's because of your seriousness, your coldness, or the imbalance; or because of that unseen barrier between us or because there's just so much more of you that I don't understand yet... sometimes it's just so uneasy that I couldn't bring myself to look at you anymore.

There were times when you were just so cold, and I am just so afraid. Though deep down, I know that you are still the nice, caring individual that had helped me through so much. That was why many a time when I just sensed that something was bothering you, and though my heart was concerned, never did I dare to go any nearer to you. Sorry.

Instead, I just stayed in the distance, silently praying for you. For God to guide you in His light, for God to give you strength to pull through, for God to help you and settle all the worries in your heart, which ways I couldn't. For He can do much more than me. And you'll need Him much more than me.


Do take care. I hope everything's gonna be alright for you. And the next time I see you around here, I wish I can see your warm smile again...


Regards,
Christine

Day 3 - Breathe

Will be leaving for the hike in 16 hours time. Am pretty thrilled but nervous as well. But to be frank, I'm really looking forward to it... finally something that I might actually get to enjoy and get a break off everything that's weighing me down recently. And our illnesses are finally recovering. I know God had been good to us. Thank you Lord! I pray that He'll continue seeing everyone of us through...


May there be more of joy and less of tears from now on...
I'll update about the hike when I get back. Till then.

Leaving,
Christine

Day 1 - Barely Surviving

It sure as hell hurts. And I just couldn't act like it doesn't. Apparently, many a time, these stubborn tears tend to give me away. It's a good thing you didn't see them, for I looked away everytime you caught my eyes. Sorry if I might seem rude, I just wanted to hide my pathetic tear-filled eyes. Just hope you'll understand.


I'm sick. It's already been a week but I just didn't seem to recover, nor get any better. And the major hike is coming soon. Yes, I'm going to the hike. Think I need a good break, to get my mind off everything, to rest this wounded heart, and to... just breathe. Yeah, I need to breathe. And maybe... just maybe, even have some fun too. All these had been suffocating me for so long. Only 2 more days to go. I pray hard that I'll be fine by then. You too, Wei Jin.


She kept asking me to go back to my unit, since I can't really study in the library either. But I couldn't find a reason to go back, not anymore. I'd prefer to stay in IMU, where it'll be less lonely with people around. At least I won't cry that much. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, waking up the next morning to put on the smile that is nothing more than a mask to me now. One which at times, could even be too much for this weary heart of mine to carry.


Sometimes I wonder, if I could ever really smile again; when happiness just seems so far away...


Deeply hurt,
Christine

For One More Day

Changes; circumstances. And the latter just wasn't convincing enough to help me cope. So much that had happened over the past month, and frankly, I still hadn't got past it all. I wonder if everything would still be the same as this if I hadn't went home that faithful night? Sometimes life is so much about choices; and I made my choice. For what you said was true, the way things are heading, sometimes it's just best to let go. So long had I been hanging on, so long had I been giving everything, just not giving up. So long had this heart of mine been forced to break, over and over again... I was tired. But there was a greater reason, I know I musn't hold you back from your journey if you've decided to move on, and most importantly, to seek God again.


So I let you go. It sure hurts like hell, but in a way, I'm glad. I'm glad that you actually willed to renew your relationship with Him, though you'll be ending yours with mine. I'm glad from now on, you'll review your priorities; to place Him above me, and above all else. Yes, for this time, I could actually comprehend. No longer the dummy I was, I guess you are going to be proud of me this time. ^_^


At times, I still wonder if my choice was right. I wonder if you were right, saying that I'll be better off without this. You see, now that everything's over; I'm still as weary as ever, if not wearier. I still didn't feel any better, if not worse. I don't break anymore, I'm shattered.


Truth is, it's never easy. Especially for one like me who always suck at saying goodbye. No longer could I count the tears that I shed, no longer could I count the times I had to run to the toilet or hide myself somewhere and cry. So forgive me if I had to get up and run away at times, for the last thing I wanted is for you to see my tears again.

At times I really don't know how long it would take for the tears to dry.
At times I really think that this could actually kill me.
At times I really think that I would just die and live no more...

Yes, there are always times like these.

Why oh why would I always feel so helpless?
Helpless, bounded by the threads of sorrow.
Helpless, no longer able to control the tears from falling.
Helpless, just because I felt helpless...


Sometimes, I just don't know if I could ever really smile again. I can go running & hiking with my friends, I can enjoy a dance or two with my partner, I can laugh at lame jokes you made... At times like these, I though I could actually lighten up, and maybe move on with life; but yet, the truth is, I still couldn't. There's this large hole you left in my heart, which could never seem to heal completely. Not with staying late in the library where I won't feel confined and alone. Not with drowning myself in all the work I can find. Not with studying but actually not digesting anything. Not with laughing, and playing with my friends. Not with dancing or singing or running or playing pool...

Maybe I need more time. Maybe I need more prayers. Maybe I need God's strength to make me stronger.

Father, I pray you'll see me through, just as you always did.

Father, you're my only hope, all that's left for me now.

Father, please help me survive this, at least, for every one more day...?

Hear the pleas of your child in despair, dear Father.
And... Amen.

A Prayer for Strength and Acceptance

To you,

I wish I were like you, talent-fully playing your mesmerizing music, not the clumsy girl struggling with her footwork.

I wish I were like you, looked up upon with admiration, not the invisible, insignificant wallflower.

I wish I were like you, louder, voicing yourself to where people would listen.

I wish I were like you, steadier, just the phlegmatic person I'd so wanted to be.

I wish I were like you, smarter, so as to reason the way I couldn't.

I wish I were like you, stronger, so as to stand up to what you believe.

I wish I were like you, sharper, clear of all your directions and purposes.

I wish I were like you, braver, much more capable.

I wish I were like you, less dependent, more dependable...

Very often, I'd just wished to be better than what I am now.

You'd always tell me that you could deal with things perfectly well yourself. And yes, you normally always do. Sometimes, you seems just so fearless, like you're not scared of anything at all. The strong sense of secureness I find in you, is what so often made me so in awe.

You see, in many ways, I too, wished that I could make it on my own. But when things just never turn out right, when problems just couldn't cease to arise, I lose faith and sadly to admit, I start feeling frustrated of myself. To be frank, I was never contented with myself.

**************************

Dear Lord, I'm so so sorry. Forgive me for times like this when I hate myself so much, even when I know so well that I shouldn't. Forgive me for being so childish, so unappreciative, so foolishly adamant. After all I am your creation, O Lord; I am your child. And I know that you'll still love me just the way I am.

So Lord, at times like these, teach me not to complain of what you did not make me into, but instead, give thanks for what you made me into. Shine your light on me and in me dear Lord, widen my narrow perspective and capacity, show me that I can still work your glory with this mere self that I am.

In days to come, grant that I may seek not so much of everyone else's acceptance but yours, Father Lord. No, it's not that I will not change; yes, I shall learn to improve on where I am lack in. Just that this time around Lord, I will change for you and your favor; not into whatever stereotype that others willed me to be. I simply want to grow in your very own special mould for me, for I know that's what my best is to be.

Here is my thought, this is my plea, I just want to come to you now dear Lord, and surrender myself to you whole and whole. And I pray that you will bring the best out of me. That in all I am, and all I do, it will be glorifying to your name. Grant me strength, perseverance, directions, courage, and confidence; for every part of me which are in the dark, guide them to your shining path. I pray that in this newness of life, you'll open up my eyes and let me see just what I am capable of, Lord. Now and forever, make me your instrument to play your wonderful music.

Lord, sustain me by your mercy and grace, in your name I pray,

Amen.

Far Away...

I wonder how helpless is like?

When you're a child lost in the shopping mall and couldn't find your mummy, helpless?
When you're stuck in a traffic jam with only a minute to go before your interview, helpless?
When you're watching a patient dying of final stage cancer, helpless?

I'm standing here still, unmoving. Watching the world crumble and crash around me, but I couldn't do anything. Helpless?


Sometimes, it feels like I'm hanging on when everything around me is tumbling down.
How long could I hold on till I fall?
How long could I stand till I break?

Save me, Father.

*******

Where am I? This isn't where I intended to be.
Where are you? You are further and further away from my reach.
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move...
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.


I couldn't stay this way forever. I'm tired. Pretty darn tired.

Help me, Father.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career,
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns...
Well, maybe next year.

Somehow or rather, I'm gonna find my way. Gonna stay strong.

Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hands,
I'd give it all, I'd give for us, give anything but I won't give up...

So grant me strength, Father.

Amen.

*******

I love you, I have loved you all along,
And I miss you, been far away for far too long,
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go,
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore.

Not leaving, hold on to me and never let me go...

On Love and Forgiveness

Forgiveness, I’m still in the learning process of this subject these days. Seriously it proves to be a thousand times harder than all the medical books added together. Expected. It is actually always the same thing over and over again, but funny enough, it only gets harder and harder each time I had to face it.

I forgave, for all the times you apologize.

I forgave, for all the times you made me cry.

I forgave, for all the hurting.

I forgave, for all the waiting.

I forgave, for almost everything.

Yes, I do have a big heart. Never really bitched about anyone, anything, never really breathed much of a complain. So is it that this heart of mine is to be broken without fear or guilt? I don't understand.

I can't seems to understand anything now. Not even you, not even myself. I think I know this feeling. It felt like back then. Back to when I once penned down a post, two years ago. And true enough, when I reread it, it actually made sense. It actually made impact. And I am afraid.

"Forgive me for my ignorance, so as for my quietness, my lack of conversation at all times. Most of the time, it's just that I don't understand. It's just that I have nothing to say. Sorry. There were times when every one of you seems like a stranger to me, so familiar & yet, so unfamiliar. I can't juggle too much of these feelings, so I’m used to keeping everything to myself. Keeping everything in silence. I hide myself beneath a mask of what you see of me now. There are two sides of me---the part where I want to shout it all out, & the part where I just want to shut myself up & cry. I kept both to myself, & created one for you. One that you are so familiar with. So there. Please call me FAKE. For I too, no longer know who I am."

You see, when I can't see myself, it is then I know that deep down I'm hiding. Back under the cold mask of which took me so long to rid of, over the years. That's my problem. I hide when reality grows ugly, I run away and pretend like nothing had ever happened. I had became so good that I can even manage to convince myself. And I'm still jumping around, fooling and laughing like a carefree, happy girl.

It’s farce, I know. The realness I’m faking is making me disgusted of myself.

**********

I need to forgive and forget. If that ain't possible, I know that I'll be leaving soon. And that last resort is something I really wouldn't want to do. For one thing, I suck at saying goodbye.

I'll break, somehow or rather.

**********

So I turned to God for inspirations.
I prayed hard, and as though He lit a light in me, I suddenly remembered something in a book of my friend's that I had actually flipped through while waiting for CA to start, almost a year ago. It was this book, Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, discussing how biblical courtship worked for him and his wife, Shannon. There was this one part which lingered in my thoughts for long. When your past comes knocking, was the catchy title. It was a story based on real experiences.


It was a day, months after starting their relationship, when they decided to open up to each other. Went that in her younger days, Shannon hadn’t fully led a life of God’s consent. Apparently many a time, she had let her feelings and desire take over her spiritual conscience. To be more straightforward, she had committed sexual sins with her boyfriends in the past… and the story goes...


Anyhow, the issue there is, how you can face past sins (in this context, sexual sins) and experience God’s forgiveness.

The book illustrates Joshua’s struggle between forgiving and leaving. Yes, it is never easy to forgive. Especially when it concerns someone that you love, someone whom you care about so much, whose even a single word or a single glance would you hold ever so dearly in your palms. Sometimes, things are always easier said than done. Which is why many a time, when truths are revealed, relationships shatter.

But God is ever-forgiving.

It was said in the book:

1. Because of the Cross, you can absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your past sin.

2. Because of the Cross, you can confess your past sin to your loved one, even when you have to risk losing him/her forever.

3. Because of the Cross, you can forgive the past sin of another person.

There is no sin that is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness, as long as you truly repent. Yes, God is THAT forgiving. Praise the Lord!

So I guess the point is, (just in my way of thinking) when you reflect on it, God forgives, and you too, gotta learn to forgive. For by forgiving those who sins against you, you are following God’s footsteps. But the process might take long. This is when prayers are really essential. When you are weak but still gotta struggle, with feelings to juggle, prayers do help a lot. You can open up to Lord, all your hurt and distress, all your struggles and pain, and He always understands.

And so I will.

***********

It's hard to forgive sometimes, dear Father.

It's hard to move on, dear Father.

There will still be scars even if it's mended, Father.

There will still be thorns in my heart, Father.

There'll be times it still hurts, and tears might still fall, Father.

I am still just human, there are loads I might not be able to bear, Father.

Help me, Father. Help me through, I pray.

Hear me, Father. Hold me strong.

Amen.

************

Guess I need time to re-evaluate.

Lord, shine your light on me, shine it so I can see which way to take. Either way, I'll lay my fate fully on your hands, dear Lord. For you are the almighty God who loves us so, & my only hope you are.

Am still praying hard.

Orientation @ IMU

Disclaimer : Long post ahead.
Warning : Might cause discomfort of eyes and neck pain.
Note: Make sure you are in a comfortable position and have ample time on hand before proceeding to read this post.

So I had got through my 2-week-long orientation and 2 weeks of lecture too; no worries, I'm still alive & breathing. Thank God.

Orientation wasn't as nightmarish as what I heard from the seniors. Wasn't at all torturing, in fact, I thought it was real FUN. But I'm sure the new friends & wonderful OOs I met definitely contributed loads to the joy of orientation. Kudos to the orientation committee too, who'd all worked so hard to make it a success. Just so you know, the effort you guys put into this wonderful orientation is greatly appreciated by us. Salud.

It'll be yards long if I were to ever blog on everything about orientation, so I'll just touch on the tip of the iceberg for every event throughout the weeks, and let the pictures explain the rest.


First, the ice-breakers. Srsly we were DRENCHED! With water, soya sauce, eggs, flour, ink... But it was fun and whats more, my beloved group 9 (The Mix) won!!! It was indeed a great start, our spirits were so high, we even won all the cheer fights! (thanks to Min Yi's earth-shaking voice =p)



This was during dry ice-breakers. And yup, when I was clean and dry. =p And that siao kia with me is beloved Mr Orientation President...
(btw, I was wearing the orientation t-shirt... Theme: Checkmate. I simply love the word 'pawn' there on my sleeve...lol)



This was after wet ice-breakers, with our winning cheer Hoo-Hah!!!
Supper at mamak after that, along with 'interrogating sessions'... T.T (No pics to show.)



Next on was Indoor Treasure Hunt. It was sorta complicated and challenging, especially with the presence of dark knights and dark bishops whose job are to 'take our lives'. (and seriously they did scare the life out of us by ambushing and attacking us unaware) Indoor treasure hunt was supposed to be fun, with all the clue-searching in the dark and even a chess game at the end, but somehow it didn't went well for our group. For one reason, we kena sabotaged. Our clues were nowhere to be found, some were moved out of bearing, some were torn at the edge... even more, some disappeared and magically reappeared again when we went back to search for the 2nd time... Intentional or not, I wouldn't know. But still, we'd already tried our best. At least we won our chess game, which places us in 2nd last place. Not that bad... ^_^



We did have lots of fun during the mamak session after the exhausting hunt... Thanks Justin for the "who is this?" game!


Outdoor Treasure Hunt totally compensated for it. It was carried out at the Bkt Jalil park nearby. It was loads and loads of fun...and getting dirty. Pity the guys, with their half-naked bodies smeared with oil and ink and all... what a sight for us girls... =p (no, I'm not even half as horny as ahem.. other girls in my group; you know who u are!)
Just that the raw egg with twisties part was a little disgusting. Poor MinYi, she swallowed almost 3 quarters of that, while I ate the other one quarter. Moreover the smell of raw egg lingered in my mouth for ages... eww yucks!



And again, for treasure hunt, we champed it. So all the hardship we went thru were WELL WORTH!!!^_^



Jay dipping her hand into some unknown liquid (I figured out oil, kicap, water, chili sause, dried chili, carrots...) to find a 20 cents shilling...



Passing a ??? (some kind of vege) with our feet... it's darn slippery, coated with oil and all...



Our group OO leader, Sylvester and another guy, with the epic titanic pose... lololololol...



Bracing ourselves for the maggie mee bath... (it's cooked maggi mee, plus the ajinomoto soup, diluted with cold water) *find it quite refreshing though =p*




CF station, the best station of all. It's only posing and camwhoring...(our talent...muahaha) The theme for this photo is --- Stages of Human Growth. (note the dead person at the left end..ROFL)





Poor guys, doing "facial"... (it's flour plus cucumber and other unknown substance)








Wet, dirty, but happy us... at the end of the day... =p


And on Sunday, Track Trip. Out of IMU activity, that was. Our destination were Lot 10, BB Plaza, and Pavillion. No no, not to go shopping of course, but to film videos, commercials, and camwhore according to posters around the destination. And it doesn't matter one bit to us that people kept staring as if we were some out-of-mind idiots and all. (Eh, kua ha mi kua!!! Wa lang mm si xiao gai la...)
& the best thing was, on the way back to IMU, we sang The Bachelor Boy song all the way on the LRT. Damn enthu wei...


At the start of our track trip!!!



Posing as L'oreal girls...



Imitating the Padini poster behind us... with some sporting passer-bys (the couple on the right)




Posing as Tugu Negara, in Lot 10... which got us scolded by the shop owner in the end... T.T





Normal group photo in front of Pavillion, before we head back to IMU.

************

The second week came by, mostly comprised of performance-based events. Tuesday was Dress Code. It was some screening of videos that each of the orientation groups made earlier. We were all given a specific theme, which we were asked to film a video based on it. Our group's was trailer to a horror movie. And I was the ghost. (wuuuu wuuu) It took us quite a lot of effort, getting up at 6am to film the dark deserted IMU building and PBL rooms... but the reviews for our trailer were good, we even got a standing ovation!!! Even though in the end we lost by 2 marks to the leading team, we were still pretty satisfied about our work.


The next day we had Telematch. The most physically-challenging orientation activity. And the one which we got MOST DIRTY AND STINKY AND HURT... (It was a wonder how Wei Jin and I still manage to overcome the pain and dance on the next day, considering that he hurt his knees, had leg cramps twice while I had a large piece of skin scraped off my left feet... ouch!!!)
But what's more, ahem ahem... MORE TOPLESS GUYS!!! muahahahahahaha.....


We started off clean and fresh...



Caterpillar Walk!!! Across muddy grounds summore, serious, the mud even got into my underpants! Swt...



Decorating the guys to the theme - India. Srsly I don't know why butter on the nipples have anything to do with that theme... =.=




Posing with our 'masterpieces'... =p



Maheen wanted to take a bath...


Fore-and-aft method of transporting people to the other side @ First Aid station.



Seniors VS juniors Tug Of War...



Still going strong after telematch... we rock!!!


And still right the day after, we had Variety Nite. A night of stage performances. Perhaps the best and cleanest event we ever had in the whole orientation. But the practice part for our performance was friggin' hectic. Except for the dance part I was going to do with Wei Jin (yes, we were to dance a Rumba together instead of the usual lovey-dovey actings), which we prepared 2 days ago; everything else were last-minute. We finalized the plot only around 1am on the day of V.Nite itself. Discussed, practised and painted props till 4.30am in the morning before we finally headed off to bed... totally exhausted.


But guess what, WE WON VARIETY NIGHT!!! And to be frank, V.Nite was a blast. We had the most fun ever, despite all the previous hassle and frustration due to lack of time for preparation, unsettled plots, disagrement on stuff... etc...
Thanks everyone for the hard work you guys did to make this a success!!!


The preparation... our movie theme : Pirates of The Carribean



Jack Sparrow! Wonderful props and design right?


Davy Jones, the tentacle guy... He looks less scary with weeds as tentacles... =p


Gracias everyone who had made the performance a success...



Me and my partner, Wei Jin, in one of our Rumba move... Thanks everyone who love our dance. There were still many flaws really, but I really appreciate the support you guys gave us... ^_^

Finale Nite was on Friday, the last day of orientation. Just a dinner together, to watch performance, to dance, and to announce the overall winner for the M209 Orientation-Checkmate. The theme was Back And White. And for our ever-so-creative group 9, we went dressed in Black and White alrite, but... as OLD FOLKS. While everyone else were twirling around in elegant dresses and suits, we made our grand entrance, pushed around in wheelchair, holding walking sticks or bent over, walking in slow and shakily. I never knew dressing up as old people could be THAT fun. We even had a family tree planned out for that, complete with great grandfather, bachelor uncles, old spinsters, bimbotic aunts, old couples with rebelious children, and even a mistress (which is me, but still 103 years old.. oh no.. sorry I forgot, it's 102 only..)




Taking a group photo after making our grand entrance... lolx...



Great grandfather and great grandmother competing against the other groups for the Best Dressed Award.



Funny that at the end of the night, we looked much younger, and much more energetic. (the powder on our hair & our old ppl makeup wore off...=p)

Nevertheless, it was a night to remember, as our group was crowned THE OVERALL CHAMPION for M209 Orientation - Checkmate!!! Weeeeee!!!!



Rejoycing together.

(Sorry, I don't have the photo of us receiving the hamper from Mr Presie Joash yet... will upload next time when I get it.)

Before I end, let me shout out...

I heart you , group 9!!!

Till I Can Make It On My Own

Recently I'm pretty into this song. It's old really, not sure who was the original singer, but I just sorta stumbled upon the Billy Gilman's version not long ago. The lyrics captivates me a lot. And it sounds extra touching, with his kiddo voice and all. *winks*


What's more, it feels kinda like my theme song for now.. coping with my new life here. It's hard sometimes but, I'm sure I'll get on with it. I just wanna give thanks to God for blessing me with such great friends and seniors who stay with me through all these time. Not just to accompany me at times I might ever feel lonely, but to offer me advices along the way, picking me up whenever I fall, offering help whenever I need them... and yeah, till I can make it on my own.

But one thing for sure, even when I've fully adapted to life here and all in future, I won't wanna walk the rest of the way on my own. For I am happy being with you all.

I’ll need time, to get you off my mind, and I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you, even ask too much of you from time to time, now and then, Lord you know I need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own.

I’ll get by, but no matter how I tried, there’ll be times you know I’ll call, chances are my tears will fall, and I’ll have no pride at all, from time to time, but they say, How there’ll be a better day, but till then I’ll lean on you, that’s all I meant to do, till I can make it on my own.

Surely someday I’ll look up and see the morning sun, without another lonely night behind me, then I know I’m over you and all my crying’s done, and no more hurting memories will find me.

But till then, Lord you know I’m gonna need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own, till I can make it on my own…


And gracias again guys for being there for me. ^_^

And to you Siao Kia, (although you always call me Siao Za Bo for who-knows-whatever-reason), I feel really blessed having a senior like you. ^_^
Thanks for the help, and thanks for the books. You'd patiently (though I'm sure sometimes you might be pissed off as well...lol...) answered all my questions & concerns, even the most random ones like where is the aircond place to eat in Sri Petaling... (okay srsly that wasn't my idea, it was under my group's request.. btw, sorry for bothering you at lecture T.T)

To grp 9 ppl : Gone ady la, what's left of my reputation!!! Sob...

Anyway, it's midnite so... ciao for now, thx Lau for the internet!!!

Shattered...

11.09.2009

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Everyone around me was asking me to chill. Be phlegmatic, they say. But surprisingly, I couldn’t.

It shocked me as well. I never, never used to lose my calm. Maybe this time was different. I didn’t know it meant so much to me.

I never knew.

It was not like any other feeling I remembered. It was this feeling as if the whole world came crashing down on you at that very moment. Speechless was all I could be. Maybe it would be better if I could cry. But surprisingly again, the tears just won’t come. And I just got stuck on the verge of breaking down.

It hurts. It friggin’ hurts. It stings like someone giving you a cold slap right on your face. And I so hope it could be a real slap instead. Even that might be better. At least the physical pain won’t last as long.

I never thought you would ever hurt me.

What made it a lot worse was that it wasn’t for once or twice. Four times. Yes, four. They tell me I gotta let it go. So I did. Once I did, twice I did… but I really don’t know why it kept coming back to me, time after time. Seriously, how many times can I take before I break?

So I left. I don’t want to stay another minute, I can’t bring myself to say another word, can’t even bear to have one more look.

I was afraid.

They wouldn’t understand. And I just couldn’t tell them. How could I ever tell when I myself was just as confused? This heart of mine, why oh why, even I couldn’t understand it now.

I’m shattered. But still, the tears won’t fall.

You see, this had nothing to do with you, even when everything’s about you. Maybe just between me and myself.

I really should have listened to my friends.

I’m still learning to forgive and forget.

Chaos!!!

I'm still packing, and it's almost 2am. This is what'll happen when you keep everything away till the last minute.
What should I bring? What should I not bring? Need it or need it not? I'm in a dilemma now, amongst these chaos. Someone please help me get this packing done! I want my beauty sleep... T.T


Gonna head off tomorrow morning to Bukit Jalil, where I'll start my uni life. It would be pretty exciting, if not for all that had happened and this packing-mess I'm in now... Would also appreciate it if that place is less isolated, if the rental could be lower, and if there is easier access to food & other necessities... Seriously, the price of accomodations at Vista is very unreasonable, weighing the unstrategic location and bad condition of the blocks. I gotta survive by a thread with only RM700+ per month.
Neways, no use complaining, just gotta make the best out of it. ^_^


And for now, goodbye home-cooked food, goodbye my Streamyx connection, goodbye Baby Yaw Yaw, goodbye my queen-size bed, goodbye guitar, goodbye my long fingernails and goodbye black nail polish... Adíos, adíos everything and everyone.


No worries, I'll be back. So wait for me! Till then...

Sigh, back to packing... *faints*

Rest In Peace...

Results day today. I almost forgot about it, if not for all the shoutouts and conversations of my friends on facebook. Many were already waiting by the computer hours ago, anticipating... It reminded me much of the SPM day where all of us were at school early, loitering around the corridor, with feelings almost similar to this. And I really really hate these type of anticipation and suspense... Argh!!!


But I didn't get to check my results until much later.

I had a funeral to attend in the morning. OMG a funeral. For my uncle who passed away yesterday, due to cardiac arrest. No one expected this to happen, I mean, he wasn't old enough to die. It was shocking news to us. It was said that he was playing badminton with his friends, and when he sat down to rest, he just... died.

And just as funerals are, it was depressing, sad, and gloomy. My uncle's family weren't Christians, so they had a traditional Chinese funeral, with rituals, chants, and joss-sticks. We helped folding paper money for the dead. I watched my cousins performing rituals after rituals, with red-rimmed eyes, and tear-stained cheeks... it was heart-breaking, really. Hard as it is for all of us who lost a relative, it sure is double the pain to lose your own father.


They cloud of sorrow stayed on later at the cremation centre. It was the first time I'd ever been there, but I wish I never had to. There were rows of rooms equiped with furnaces, and there were tracks for the coffins to be rolled into the furnace... It was sorta, just like a factory. Everything was so... business-like. Made me wonder how lifeless could the dead be. *dunno if you get what I mean*


Neways, there was this one other family beside ours at the centre, performing the last ritual. And the one thing that caught my attention was that their coffin wasn't just like any other I'd ever seen. It was... small. Unmistakably a child's coffin. Such a devasting sight.
Why oh why?
Children were supposed to be running about; playing with toy cars, dolls and balls; putting off their homeworks for tomorrows which are sure to come; enjoying a dance class or two; talking about what they will be in future; waiting impatiently to grow up... And not lying cold and lifeless in tiny coffins.
No, no, no...


Rest in peace, uncle. Rest in peace, child. Let the families get over the grief of losing their loved ones, I pray. Bless my aunt and my cousins, guide them through this tough period of life. Father, grant us all from now on, more of joy and less of sorrow I pray. Have mercy. Amen.

And dear Father, thanks for my results.

Szomorú Vasárnap

So I had promised to talk about Gloomy Sunday yesterday... which for whatever reason it was, I didn't want to talk about since yesterday was a Sunday. *ignore this idk what I'm crapping*

Well, for a start, it's positively one of my all-time-favourite song. I've never heard any other song like this. Yes, it's extremely beautiful, even when it's painful. Can't even say it's sad, it's something way beyond boundaries that word could ever reach.

Oh, the lyrics...!
No wonder it was dubbed the Hungarian suicide song in the US. It was said to have inspired hundreds of suicide cases, even including the song composer himself, Rezső Seress. To the extend that the song had to be banned in some places... Sort of meta-legend. *idk, believe it or not*

According to Wiki, the song was composed based on a Hungarian poem "Szomorú Vasárnap", in which the singer mourns the untimely death of a lover and contemplates suicide.

This is the literal English translation of the poem...

Gloomy Sunday with a hundred white flowers
I was waiting for you my dearest with a prayer
A Sunday morning, chasing after my dreams
The carriage of my sorrow returned to me without you
It is since then that my Sundays have been forever sad
Tears my only drink, the sorrow my bread...

Gloomy Sunday

This last Sunday, my darling please come to me
There'll be a priest, a coffin, a catafalque and a winding-sheet
There'll be flowers for you, flowers and a coffin
Under the blossoming trees it will be my last journey
My eyes will be open, so that I could see you for a last time
Don't be afraid of my eyes, I'm blessing you even in my death...

The last Sunday

**************

And here is the beautifully depressing song lyrics.

Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not when the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday

Gloomy is Sunday
with shadows I spend it all,
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know,
But let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go...
Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming,
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of my heart
Dear,
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

*author is not in any way responsible for any suicide or depression caused by the contents of this post...*
Happy appreciating the beauty of this song, everyone. ^_^

So I'm Already Gone

Reviews again! So here's for Week 7...

x Have fun. Yeah, loads of great fun with everyone. (Yeah. Buckets and buckets of fun. Had them all kept asking for me even before I got there; had nice chats; laughed at jokes; had a last admirational look at the pretty dance shoes in The Shoes Book, as we all call it; Zili finally came back & danced the Rumba routines with me for the last time; had some tiring Jive; did double spins in the warm-ups; Edwin belanja sweets; Sifu fetched me home... )


One thing to note, I even got the keys from Sifu and went up to the dark-dusty-abandoned 3rd floor(attic) of the building just for a fun adventure, alone. I'm really sorry I spent too long up there till I made everyone worried and sent Zili and Joey up to check on me x.x

It was real cool there. Almost exactly like those abandoned flat units we saw in horror movies, minus the ghost. There were even rooms with spider webs all over the door handles, mouldy balcony, water-marks on the ceiling, a table and chairs covered with dust, loads of old stuff piled up in a corner, and a white board with these words scribbled on it...



Lolololol... you'd thought it was something like HELP ME or I WILL KILL YOU rite? Nah, don't let your imaginations run too wild. ^_^ But I really love the verse --- YOU CAN WALK, YOU CAN DANCE!!! *there's even a chinese version below there...*
I wonder if it was another of Sifu's theory. But it's pretty inspiring! I wonder why is that whiteboard stacked away in the dark dusty attic, cuz if it was to be hung outside the studio door, guess it will give many people the courage and confidence to take up dancing!!!

Maybe it was purposely hidden so far away and only people who are adventurous enough to go up the dark and heavily-blocked staircase will find it. As usually lessons of life can't be learnt the easy way mar... *this hypothesis of mine isn't really possible*
Anyway, another lesson learnt from the trip to the attic!!! ^_^



x Give my best for everything, routines or warm-ups. (Sure I did! Routines still weren't perfect, still lotta stumble and flaws. Still sorry Zili for being a lousy partner... But no regrets, for I'd already tried my best. Just that I need to be better. I'll work on it, even when I'm gone. Promise.)

x Give that song lyrics for little Xiu Xin as I'd already promised. (I'm not one who breaks promises easily.)

x Accept Sifu's car-ride back home. This might be the last time I'll ever be on her cute-cutely decorated car... *awww... emo emo!!!* (Thanks for the car-ride again, Sifu! And all the car-rides in the past. I still remember all the laughs and chats we had in the car-rides home since last time. The things that you told me, life lessons you taught me, questions that you asked me, advices that you gave me... For everything, thank you again, so much. You're awesome! And just as I'd always told you, once my Sifu, forever my Sifu!!! I'll miss you so.)

x Say goodbye and hope to meet you again someday to everyone. (T.T)


******* ******* *******


Carino's right, it's always hard to say goodbye. One more week before I'm leaving Ipoh and this life that I had for the past 2 months. For a new phase of life, still pretty much unknown, ahead.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Yes, we were.
There got to be changes in life. Not that I dislike them, but sometimes, there's just part of me that doesn't want anything to change, because I'm happy with life as it is now. I love life as it is now.

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go

Sometimes, the only thing left that is right is to let go. Who knows if better things are to come?

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go

This time, I'm the one.

Just a word I wanna change here:
There IS moving on
So i'm already gone

I'm moving on. But not forgetting, these memories.

I'll be back. Wait for me.


Picture credits to Ok4mi
Btw, thanks Kelly.

Week 7 - Gloomy is Sunday

16th of August (Sunday) ----- 2.35 a.m.

And again, another week goes by. Trying to stall time is almost as grasping threads of wind with my bare hands. Not that I didn't like the prospect of going to uni soon, but still, there is this lazy part of Jiyi who wishes her holiday (and dance classes with Sifu) could last on till forever. *lol... I'm hopeless*

Tomorrow's gonna be my last dance class. Expectations? There sure are many but I can't really think of them now with this tired mind of mine... Guess I'll leave that for later? *typical my-style-procrastinating* Just one thing, I wish I'll have a great time. Sure do!
..............
..............
..............
There's still stuff I wanna blog about but... I'm so tired I can't really think straight now...
So... nighty nitez!

*******

16th of August (Sunday) ----- 12.15 pm

So I had only just woke up about an hour ago... *yawnn*
Sleeping late = waking up late... Seriously, I gotta get my life back on track.

But now, checklist for Week 7!

_ Have fun. Yeah, loads of great fun with everyone.
_ Give my best for everything, routines or warm-ups.
_ Give that song lyrics for little Xiu Xin as I'd already promised.
_ Accept Sifu's car-ride back home. This might be the last time I'll ever be on her cute-cutely decorated car... *awww... emo emo!!!*
_ Say goodbye and hope to meet you again someday to everyone.


Notice that I didn't really put as much stress on myself about routines and all as the past weeks? Well I guess, for once, dancing seems not so important as spending some precious moments with people that I'll miss when I leave...

I'll miss I'll miss I'll miss...

*******

For Sundays like these, it doesn't help when Gloomy Sunday is playing over and over again on my playlist. T.T

OMG, it's like the most beautifully painfully sad song I'd ever heard. Seriously, it sends chills down my spine... brrr...


Why? You'll know, but I'm gonna leave this for later too. I'm hungry now. Time for lunch!!! lolololol....


P/S: Happy 16th, Carino!!!

Week 6 - Failed...!

One routine done. Only one more lesson to go. Seriously, I really don't feel like saying goodbye just yet. Actually, I never will.

Sentiments aside, I think I failed Week 6. Sobzzz sobzzzzz.....T.T
Let me review my checklist, and you'll know why.

x Get my heel protectors! (Yup, got a pair of P-2s!)

_ Work on my confidence. (You'll know why I failed this after you read on.)

_ Work on those feet. Especially balancing. (Gone are the balance...!!! Extra long spinning warm-ups made our heads spin like hell, poor YiWen had to hold on to the barre, another gal crossed my track & almost crashed into me, and I almost crashed into the mirrors...)

_ Work on postures and lines. Arm extensions, in particular. (I tell you, my lines were HORRIBLE!!! Those feet, I can't seems to ever get them right... *sobs*)

_ And again, don't look at feet! KEEP HEAD UP!!! (Unavoidable as I need to check on my feet which are often out of position... *sobbing even louder*)

_ Get a hang of the routines faster. At least same pace with the seniors. (The fact that I didn't cross this out is pretty much self-explanatory. *nearing breakdown* )

_ Don't get teased or scolded by Sifu. (Like I will never get bashings after all the mistakes and failures above?!! Fat chances! I wasn't the only one but still, that thought never helped one bit. Sorry I dissapointed you, Sifu.)

Yup, THAT CRAP was Week 6.
And yup, you've seen right, I had only 1 out of 7 crossed x out in my entire checklist.
And that one single thing was like, get heel protectors? How hard could that be?


*******
And very unlucky for us, there was a minor incident. The studio's power fuse was burnt midway through our lesson. When we were doing our centre point warm-ups to some music, suddenly the music went off and the whole place went black. T.T
So for the rest of the lesson, we had to dance in the "dark", without music too. It should be kinda romantic, if not for the heat that M'sia The Tropical Country is well known for. Man, we were perspiring mad thru the routines.

But still, that was no excuse for my failure. I should've worked harder. One thing, I didn't give in my fullest effort for that day, which is what I should be blamed for. I'm sorry, really sorry. Promise it won't happen again next time.


*******
When I went to get my heel protectors from Sifu, she sat on the floor helping me fit them in, when another gal asked her if she can have a pair too. Sifu said no, you hadn't had much acheivements yet. The gal was perplexed, why not? And I too was quizzical. So I asked her, huh?!! Then, do I? And she answered, well, a little!

I didn't know if she was joking or not. I couldn't see her face. Seriously I had always thought I was the worst in the entire class, since the rest of the students have at least more than one year of experience. Does Sifu really think that I had improved a little? I thought I was always a dissapointment. You may think, what's the big deal about such a mere comment? But you wouldn't know, how much it meant to me. You see, very rarely Sifu ever gives decent comments about everyone, and when she does, you sure should be real happy. Now you get me?

Neways, I know for sure that I'm still not up to standard yet. And looking from the way Week 6 went, I know that I'm not even close. Sifu used to advise me never to give what I'd learnt all back to her when I leave, and I'll hang on to that advise. I remember there was this other senior who told me the same thing, once you stop, you have to keep all da techniques persistent with you.. if not, you're gonna loose them someday!

*No worries, Jiyi will keep that in mind.*


Week 7 will be my last week there. I pray that it'll be much better. If not, I really won't be able to forgive myself.
Note to self: Have to work on the Rumba Roll that took me so long to figure out..*dummy me*

But for now, can I have some California Sushi Roll and Ebiko please??? Awww... I'm craving for you... scrumptilicious!!!!

August Rush

Zoom! And hereby announcing the arrival of the 2nd week of August! Awww mann, why do time wanna past so fast huh? Tomorrow, well, today actually, will be my 2nd last lesson with Sifu. God knows when I can be back again. Awww...Nostalgic!

I'm so gonna miss them all.
The lessons which are a drill but enjoyable all the same, the studio which is almost comfy like home, the talkative students who are normally quite hyperactive but great dancers, the pretty-gentle-loving Sifu whose wit and quirk can never be challenged, her friendly husband who smiles all the time, equally friendly and cute Ah Nee Aunty who's most fun to be around with, the parquette floor which often have pieces of wood coming off and glued back on, the long tall mirrors which is often 'stained' by kid's fingerprints, the solid steel barre which acts as our trusted 'partner' when there aren't enough boys, the comfy coach with all those huggable little cushions...
Just so many things I won't forget there.

Why oh why shall I have to leave? But that's the way the story goes. Just as the many times I used to leave and ask this same question over and over again... However unlike those last times, this time, I'm not quite sure when I'll be back. You know the holidays in IMU... ain't really sufficient actually.

Guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope it won't be that long a wait.


In the meantime... checklist for week 6!

_ Get my heel protectors!
_ Work on my confidence.
_ Work on those feet. Especially balancing.
_ Work on postures and lines. Arm extensions, in particular.
_ And again, don't look at feet! KEEP HEAD UP!!!
_ Get a hang of the routines faster. At least same pace with the seniors.
_ Don't get teased or scolded by Sifu.


Any hopes of getting them all crossed off ASAP?
Anyway, I still remember the theory---hush hush, don't rush!!!
So I'll just give in my best, and we'll see... ^_^

I wonder... and I've learnt

Even as a child I had been curious.
I used to wonder why the leaves are green, why the sky is blue.
Why the children can be so happy, why the adults can be so moody.
Why the kind old man next door always had a lot of visitors in his house, why the grumpy aunty down the street was always lonely.

And as I grow older, sometimes I wonder how this world came to be.
I wonder how God works, and how Satan works in this world.
I wonder how mankind on this earth, could be so different from each other.

And today. I'll talk about people. Yes, those class-A mammals/homo sapiens/complex beings with even complex mind/sinners... whatever you call them.

Throughout my 19 years of life, I've seen people. Lots and lots of people. Different people. And there are people I forgot, people I treasure, people who are worthy and unworthy. It might come out harsh, but still, UNWORTHY... what else could subtly describe that precisely? Perdón for my lack of vocabulary.

*******

I wonder how some people demand for respect when they themselves are not respecting others at all. Que ironia ven? Sadly funny, in a way. I always believe that respectable people will gain respect automatically. They don't even need to DEMAND for it if they proved themselves worthy.

The act itself is sometimes, as evil blow itself up in a pale parody of the human being, which only made us giggle like children at their foolish pomposity.
Why so?
Imprudente.

*******

I used to be sympathetic for outcasts, but I guess I gotta re-evaluate my notion. I'd came to see that there must be a reason to that. And very often, reasons that speak for themselves. Like there's this little mirror reflecting everyone's heart, if you take the time to read them, it's all pretty much self-explanatory.

~~~
Now I know why Sifu is so pretty. Her beauty comes from within. Reflected on that little mirror, I think. Brings radiance to her face.

And one thing, she never brags much.

Unlike some.

*******

When I was young, there was this counting song that every kindergarten kid knew by heart, "Ten Green Bottles"...
"So many!!!" my little cousin will say. Yeah, diez!!! It's all of your fingers together, kiddo!
That was then, you could when you're five years old.
But then again, now I'd seen some people who just never learnt to grow up. Lástima en ellos.

Dissapointing.

*******
Schadenfreude. Yes, haven't you met one before?

*******

Lesson learnt---Never to believe in anyone, except those who LOVE you. Not like, not close, not anything. Just love. Love that takes no account of sacrifices. Takes no account of anything.
And to be frank, there just ain't many out there.

One thing I'd say, life's lessons aren't normally enjoyable to learn. Unlike dance lessons. ^_^

*******
It's Monday again.
Yesterday's lesson was a drill. Yup, Sifu's back. No more chit-chatting or lazing around the barre. But I'm happy that Sifu's finally back.

Dumped our routine yesterday. Instead, we had warm-ups, that's what Sifu call them. I guess it's some new techniques she learnt from her 2-week China trip. Wow, and sure enough, some drilling it was!!! Techniques for cucuracha/hip movements, directions, centre point, Rhumba walk and all those spinning and twisting... continuous 10 minutes for each training. It was alright for the others, but imagine spinning for 10 minutes! We were stopping, bumping into each other and crossing tracks at 8 minutes. Were seeing stars and slumped to the floor at the end of the song.

So much for improving over the 2 weeks. Sifu was devasted. So it's the same dose of teasing, fired at almost everyone. Lolx.. at least, I wasn't the only one.

And we had a great time. Had great chats. Dance is a blessing. You are a blessing.


I think that for every bad that we had in our lives, we'll have good too.

God looks after His children. God gives us what is best for us.
God is fair. God is good. Amen!


And again, I've learnt.

Checklist :

x Don't scream when performing the drop at the end of the routine.
(Yup, got tat pretty well done! I can even extend my left hand, turn my head and uhh... smile!)

x Don't get teased or scolded again today.
(Finally! But Sifu wasn't here so... can't be too optimistic yet.)

x Look!!!!! at your partner!!!
(Thanks Zili, you're a great partner!)

x Do the 180 degrees spin smoothly.
(Can still do it today. I even got straighter at my double spins!)

_ SMILE!!! Don't look like everyone owes you money!
(Wasn't satisfied with my smile, cuz it was more like tensed curl of my lips, especially during the pair by pair accessment... T.T)

_ Move more steadily and confidently, don't sway and swagger.
(Well, guess I was steadier this time, but still, there's room for improvement, so I'll KIV for this part...)

_ Don't look at feet!!! KEEP HEAD UP!!!
(Better than last time. But I did too occasionally looked down, so I gotta be strict to myself, and ban crossing this out until I TOTALLY DID NOT look down unnecessarily.)


Sifu isn't back yet today. She'll be away for 2 weeks, Ah Nee aunty told me. Aww... I miss her. Ah Nee aunty is great too, but I still love Sifu the most. I won't mind listening ONCE to "Love Song Of XiZhang" if only she could be back.
But guess I could only wait till next week to see her again.

In the meantime, I'll strive to make the last 3 cuts of my checklist. And for more to come next week. Think I'll give myself till next Sunday to perfect my split.

Gonna be off to sleep now. Gruelling starts tomorrow. Gotta be ready for the pain... ^_^

Como Ama Una Mujer

Cuando te encuentras conmigo a solas

Y tengo tanto para decirte
en lo que quieras yo voy a seguirte
*No hablemos nada oye el silencio
es el lenguaje de nuestros cuerpos
Y a veces pienso que apareciste
para mostrarme que el amor existe*

Tu, todo tu
Siempre tu
Todo tu.

On a side note, I bet this'll gotta make a nice choreograph...!

*Let nothing be heard, the silence
is the language of our bodies;
And sometimes I think you appear,
to show me that love exists.*

Captivating, really captivating. And I mean, everything. Guess what's on my playlist? All-time favs -Tu and Como Ama Una Mujer by none other than, mi esposa. Mi amada esposa.
Oh Jenny, Jenny... why could you always captivate my heart?

*Quizas porque tan solo he sido una
Que ha sido enamorada de la luna
Tan solo eso ha sido mi pecado
El de seguir mi corazon a todos lados
Seguir mi loco corazon a todos lados

Y he amado como ama una mujer
Que ve en su hombre el paraiso...*

Beautiful. It's beautiful. It touches the depths of my soul. I wonder if I had gotten much more sentimental than I already was these days, but really, which other dummy cries watching SYTYCD? I guess it's only me.

Me who cries like a woman.
Me who loves like a woman.
Well, I'm (going-to-be-not-yet-but-soon) a woman.

*Maybe because I had been so alone,
Whom had only been in love with the moon;
So was my only sin
to follow my heart to all directions,
To follow my crazy heart everywhere.

And I loved like how a woman loves,
who sees paradise in her man...*

So you got what I mean by beautiful?

*******

Neways, updates. I've been catching up with SYTYCD Season 5 lately. There's so much emotion going on in the show!!! It's like the nicest production I've ever watched, seriously. There's dance, there's out-of-this-world skills and talents, there's love, there's passion, there's drama, there's lessons and values...
I see people. Lots and lots of people. Different people. Black people, white people, growing people, never-give-up people, rude people, cannot-take-critism people, guys with long hair, gals with shaved heads, big boys who cries, young ladies who stick together...
Inspiring. Sat watching with gaping mouth at what a dancer really is.


Back to my feet, I know I still have a long way to go. Maybe never gonna make it like them. Maybe never gonna touch the sky. I started late, and one mistake is able to last forever. But you see, the best is not about reaching the heights, it's about still hanging on even though you know you might never gonna reach it.

"I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself." ~ Mikhail Baryshnikov

And so shall I. ^_^

*******

Gotta go. Dance class starting in an hour's time, and I don't wanna be late. Hope Sifu's already back from China. And hope she wouldn't play that "Love Song Of XiZhang" for us to dance to today. Believe me, it's the worst song to go with Rhumba. =.=

Checklist for today:
x Don't scream when performing the drop at the end of the routine.
_ Don't get teased or scolded again today.
_ Look!!!!! at your partner!!! (if you were assigned one today)
x Do the 180 degrees spin smoothly.
_ SMILE!!! Don't look like everyone owes you money!
_ Move more steadily and confidently, don't sway and swagger.
_ Don't look at feet!!! KEEP HEAD UP!!!


Wish I can check the rest off ASAP. Pray for me.


P/S: Cariño, mi ángel de la guarda, te extraño mucho mucho.

La tuya.

A Little Before Goodnight

So, it's like the ???th week after the day I left INTEC. Seriously I have no idea. Was it the 3rd? Or 4th?

Totally lost track of time. Externals seems like centuries ago. FINE!!! Not that I wanted to be constantly reminded about it too. Let it hibernate with the dinosaurs, as far as I'm concerned. It's almost as scary as dinos anyway, well, on second thought, SCARIER.


Guess I'd better enjoy my life to the fullest before it gets miserable... *which I prayed hard it won't*


movies, MOVIES, mov-iiieeeees!!!!


I'd been watching oh-so-many movies, reality shows, TVB dramas... these days.
Mornings are for Berniceeeeee, JLOooooo... oh my wifey(s)...!!!

Afternoons are for SYTYCD season 5 - *who's going to be America's next favourite dancer?* ( C'mon get your tickets, you're going to VEGASSSSSSS!!!!!!)
It gets me really hyped too, seeing people getting hyped over all the VEGAS-hoo-hah. But mom was like :"Why so hyped? It's not YOU who's going to Vegas!"
(yeah, I know but, talk about slapping cold water on your face!)


So since I'm not going to Vegas, nights are for shopping-online-skyping-eating supper-daydreaming-reading-eating junk food-sleeping..... zzz...zzzZZZZ


Actually I should be blogging about my lovely Sarawak trip, but I find it quite a tremendous work to do for now, so I guess I'll leave it for another post...okie? Sorry folks!
But here's an insight --- It'll mostly be about yummy yummy food, cheap cheap stuff and nice, friendly people!!!



So I'll talk about the anniversary dinner and dance instead. It's just as amazing as last year's. I guess better. The senior students are getting better and better over the year. (Despite all the pre-performance hassle; like someone forgetting to bring costumes, forgetting what costume they were supposed to wear or someone losing his shoes...well, kids are kids.) I guess Sifu will surely be proud of them. I am too.
And the costumes are ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC this year!!! So shimmery and colourful!!! Beads, sequins, furs, feathers... you name it, they have it. I was the one assigned to be in charge of the costumes, so I get to have a good look and touch of them. ^_^
Sifu's designs and handwork are getting more and more amazing. Yup, all the costumes are made/co-made by her, so she's like dancer-teacher-designer-children caretaker... Well, I can only say... WOW!!!


Watching people dance is one thing, dancing myself is another. One is pure enjoyment, the other is enjoying while ahem, struggling. Why the struggle? It's to get these rusty old bones back on track. That's the thing about discontinuous dancing, you get rusty and you gotta work it all over again from square one.
Moreover, I'm now in some advanced class?!!! Well, initially I wasn't supposed to be in that class. But under some circumstances which are too complicated for me to describe, I ended up in the uh... advanced class, with the seniors who are oh-so-pro, and routines that I'd never learnt before... *Oh, I feel darn inferior!!! and useless... sob...*

Well, I know I need a lot of hard work to keep up with them. And hard work shall it be. I don't know how many times had I said this, but really, I won't give up. Why should I? When Sifu herself didn't give up on me. Only that she often laugh and tease me... bu bu bu... T.T

Gotta get better next lesson. I don't want to be FREQUENTLY teased again, although I'm not the only one who got teased... Lolx.. typical of Sifu. It's her way of communicating with us, lolx... cute!


Time to say bubie for now!!! I'll leave you with...

Forever And Always

It's 2 am now.
2 more papers to go;
my batteries are running low.

It's draining all of me...

You seems really tired lately.
I guess your batteries are running low too.
I'll drain all the energy I have left for you, if it could lift your spirits up again...


Went dancing again today. Alone, as always. This might be the last time I'll ever dance in Akasia's badminton hall.

I'm gonna miss it a lot when I leave.
Gonna miss the tall row of mirrors, smooth grey floor and carpeted little stage at the corner.

It's the place that I used to go, seeking solace.
The next best thing I'd found here.

I stayed there for more than 2 hours, repeating routine after routine. It's strange that they didn't tire me out today. Maybe I was just too absorbed, it even made me forget how weary I am, until much later anyway.
It's a good thing no one's there playing badminton, it's always like this during exam period. I could have the whole hall all to myself. ^_^

My personal dance studio for the very last time.

You told me most of the Blackpool dancers are married couples. Yea typical. But I kinda find it really sweet and romantic.

I believe that dancing do cultivate love.
Just as I always believe that dances will only come to life if there is love.

How nice. Husband and wife, with the same passion and aim.

Taylor Swift's "Forever And Always" is oh-so-heartbreaking.
Apparently it was the song she wrote after her painful breakup with Joe Jonas. (according to the press)
Sound like she'll never believe in forever and always anymore.

Baby, what happened? Please tell me
'Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always

you didn't mean it baby

Now I see.
Some broken-hearted people write songs.
Some broken-hearted people cry.
And some broken-hearted people bite themselves...

No they ain't mad. Just hurt...

I love "The Best Day". It's pure and sweet. And inspiring. A song she wrote for her mum. At least not all her songs are about boys.. lolx.

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

One day, I'll write a song for you too, mum.

It's 2 am. I'm holding Yaw Yaw in my arms. It's warmer with him here. Like part of your warmth is here with me, even when you are thousands of miles away.
So I hugged on tighter.

I pray that you are warm and snug too,
sleeping peacefully in your bed through the autumn night.

I wish I could go back to the dance again. And make it last forever.
Back to the days of blue sweater and little black skirt.
Wet pants under the little fragile umbrella. And yet big enough smiles. Rainbow smiles.

*lolx... I'm so random...*

Some people do still believe in forever and always -
Dummy me. ^_^


Don't ask me why I do. I just do.
My love for you could last forever and always...

Was... Is...

华文，好久没用了。都快要忘记怎么写了。唉唉……

多久，没有写周记了。曾经很坚持过，每每写得手也发痛。
那些早已过去的日子。就这么一年又一年了。


师父说得对，一年真的可以改变很多东西。一年那么长，而人啊，往往又那么善变。


有些东西都已好久没有提起。
不再了，便不是了。没关系，现在都已不再重要了。其实也许还是没有改变的，只是我在变。

有些感觉都已变质。
有时因为懂了太多； 也是因为懂得太少。可又有谁没有年轻单纯愚昧过呢？


现在终也明白，很多人事物，原来放下了，真的是退一步海阔天空。

放下了，心如止水。

原来早已逃开了枷锁。因为心有了免疫呀。


我觉得我长大了。很庆幸我长大了。

I was a dreamer, but now I keep my feet back on the ground again...

我不会再回头看。只有往前望。我那珍贵的有你手心珍而重之； 挽扶我的手有亲爱的父。若果幸福都已来了，我怎还需惧怕？

我前方还有好多好多未来。一定还有好多好多美好。

那么……别了, 往事。

Angels and Fairies

I tell you, I'm so jobless. Shouldn't be, since I'm not on vacation or watsoever now, I'm on a study week...OMG, STUDY WEEK!!! And I'm more like holiday-ing...


Been wondering what level I am actually in. To be frank, I have no idea about it. Well, it's understandable though actually, cause it's not like I have any systematic syllabus to stick to in my studio.


But I'd pretty much figured out that I'm Bronze. Maybe not silver yet, though I do know just a little of the syllabus in Silver. Not beginner's either... *I hope...no I'm not that noob...>.<*


And again, somewhere caught in between... Wonder why is it always like this???

Geee, why am I here wondering what level I am in, when the only level I have to worry about now is my A-LEVELS!!!


Loco loco loco...!!! Think I'm going loco... T.T

*Michael Wentink and Beata were awesome in their WSSDF 2002 & WSSDF 2004 Samba!!!*
*Michael wore rugged jeans for WSSDF 2004!!! (=.=) but I ADORE Beata's colourful sleeves, made her look like some flower fairy!!! *

Beata always have real great costumes...

Here's the only photo of the show that I found...

Btw, love Declan!!!

*All the sweet honey from above, pour it all over me sweet love...*
*sometimes I wish I were an angel, sometimes I wish I were you...*

*love of my life, don't leave me, you've taken my heart, and now you desert me...*
*would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven...*


And to you,

Standing in the light of your Halo, I got my angel now... ^_^

The same passion

Been such a long time I hadn't blogged.
Not that I didn't have the time. I practically spent most of my time online, and procrastinating; despite the exams going on full steam...

*should slap myself for that >.<*


But the Blackpool, Russia Open, Grand Slam, WSS Festival... were all soooooo exciting I couldn't take my eyes off them. Ended up spending a few hours every night just watching with mouth gaping at Carmen Vincelj & Bryan Watson, Yulia & Ricardo Cocchi, Michael Wentink & Beata...etc... executing their excellent footwork on the Floor... *was practically drooling OMG*


It's always an amazing thing streaming latin dance videos. I do watch other dance comps too, other than the Professional's category. From Bronze to Amateur; Junior to Senior... they never fail to captivate me.

The same dances; Cha Cha, Rumba, Samba, Paso Doble and Jive; but so very different dancers.


Some dancers are dramatic and more expressive, like Carmen.
Some dancers are downright HOT, like Yulia.
Some dancers are really skillful, like Joanne and Beata.
Some dancers have lightning speed, like Michael and Ricardo.
Some male dancers have excellent hips movements, like Bryan.


And more,
Some people acknowledge the spectators humbly; some acknowledge them pridefully.
Some male dancers present their partners to the applausing crowd; some steal her limelight.
Some dancers have costumes that are so lovely I wish I could have them too; some dancers wear costumes that made me laugh.
Some people are near perfect, some people stumble.
But I know that all the dancers were trying their best as they presented their dances.


Sometimes I wonder how much effort they put into their practise before the moment of glam and glory. I guess all of them did make quite a lot.

And sometimes I wonder how would I look like if I were ever in a dance comp. What would I wear, who would I dance with...
*Hope I won't be one of those who stumble and drop out >.<*
One thing I know, I'll surely be happy. It's always my dream, my passion.
I'll surely do my best too. Just like everyone else did. ^_^

*yeah, I'm still striving hard for my dream... I've only been learning discontinuously for 4 months to be exact, I know I still got a long way to go, but I'm not gonna give up. *


So, the dancers might have different routines, different costumes, different level of skills, come from different countries, different skin colour, some might win, some might lose, some are young, some are older, some are confident, some are nervous, some are beginners, some are professionals.....
But one thing I know about all the thousands of dancers out of the hundreds of dance comp videos I'd streamed --- they all have the same passion towards latin dancing, which was what brought them there in the very first place.
*A big salute for all the dance lovers out there!!! ^_^*


Okay, enough of analysing dance comps I watched, gotta get back to nerding... =.=
Biology W2, Statistics 1 and Chemistry Practical 6A next week.
Wish me luck!!!

Fragments of thoughts...

I hate smokers. But there are lots of them around. Puffing away at Pak Li. Bothering me, didn't stay there long.
No need to pity them smokers if they got lung cancer... >.<


Akasia line was down for 3 days. *unbearable* Luckily now it's back. So i'mma continue blogging. ^_^

I'm jobless.
It's too hot here. I can't pay attention to nerding. Interview's coming. And I haven't really done anything.

*what to wear, what to wear?* Haha... I told you I am jobless...


Last week, I lost my umbrella, was left in the wet rain.
Drenched.
Dripping love...

Streaming Blackpool Finals in Youtube. Yulia's hot & Carmen's great. Excelente!
Jive was amazingly fast.. Such speed... *wow*

I hope someday I could be like them...
*even half like them is enough...>.<*

Comps at the end of this year? ^__^ Hopefully.
Crossing my fingers and praying hard.


And now alone in the silence of the night, lost in silent thoughts...
42-day Cruise... Cherry Blossom Festival...
How interesting! Woulda love it so, if only it could come true.

And London and Paris and Barcelona and Las Vegas and Genting Highlands...

I'll be waiting... Bearing hopes and dreams of mine ......

4511 - 3197

Good night, carino.

I'm sure you are asleep by now. *grins*
Sleep tight...

What are people going to do?

Using both positive and negative characteristics, describe what six people are going to do and what they are doing: a woman, a man, a girl, a boy, you and me. Ex. The man is going to buy a car. The woman is not buying flowers.

El hombre va a viajar en el automóvil. No va a caminar. No va a ir en la bicicleta tambien.

La mujer y la niña están en la mesa. La mujer va a comer, no está comiendo. Pero la niña no va a comer, está satisfecha.

El niño no va a jugar, está enfermo. Así que el está durmiendo en la cama.

Tengo el cabello corto ahora. Espero tener el cabello largo en el futuro.

¿Qué vas a hacer? Voy a sentarme en el sofá. No voy a correr, estoy cansada.

¿Qué va a hacer ella? Ella va a comprar un libro y leerlo en la mesa marrón.

Te voy a subir por la escalera. No estás parado en la escalera.

¿Qué va a hacer él? El va a comprar las flores rojas en la caja por el esposo. El espera el esposo esta feliz.

No te voy a escribir sobre la mesa, voy a leer un periódico en la silla.


*Seeking help from Pro people again!!! Anyone can review for me? You who just finished your Spanish test... can help help? Thanks a lotta ya! *

Jiyi is working hard on her Spanish...
Y bailar tambien!!!

This Masquerade

I'd always love masquerades. They sound really mysteriously exciting for me. Wonder if I could ever have the chance to attend one...? *dreaming of the 'Black & White Ball' in Another Cinderella's Story... ^_^ *

Si, I'm currently obsessed with yet another Carpenters' song, other than 'I Need To Be In Love'... *which is already playing in my head for the past few days... lolx...*

I can say that Karen's got the MOST WONDERFUL VOICE EVER ON EARTH!!! The best voice I've ever heard so far. No wonder people describe her voice as "liquid velvet"... It's so soothing it made me cry. *Seriously...*


Ann Murray's quite close to hers, but I still prefer Karen. Maybe coz of her songs, but I do love Murray's Broken Hearted Me...
Oh btw, if you guys haven't figured out yet, I LOVE OLDIES..

Are we really happy with
This lonely game we play
Looking for the right words to say
Searching but not finding
Understanding anyway
We're lost in this masquerade

Both afraid to say we're just too far away
From being close together from the start
We tried to talk it over
But the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play

throughts of leaving disappear
Each time I see your eyes
And no matter how hard I try
To understand the reason
Why we carry on this way
And we're lost in this masquerade

We tried to talk it over
But the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play


We're lost in a masquerade

Why oh why would you die, Karen?
It's such a pity for such beautiful voice...
*sheds tears*

Viva La Español !!!

Sí. My Spanish is pretty much alive again, after it's deep slumber for like, how many months?

(though self-learning is slow as a snail... and my Spanish is still at the stage of like, standard 1 or 2 English?! Sigh, sigh, sigh... ) *Been working on it... Gotta have patience!*

Well, at least I can write simple 50 words paragraphs decribing people, things, what people are doing etc... and err, simple self-introduction... anyway, I'm loving it all the same!!!

Me encanta, me encanta!


Yes, I have a thing for Spanish. I actually love the languages. Spanish, Chinese, English...
I'm more of a language person I suppose, which explains why I can still get into the top positions during secondary school even with not-so-good results (Awww man, I can barely scrape an A2) in my Add Maths (urgh...) and Chemistry (Double urgh...).


Too bad these are like the 2 out of 3 core subjects I'm taking now in A-Levels...
*Yea yea yea, great luck! *


Sigh, guess I'll just have to work extra hard on them. Gotta tackle them, tackle them. Thank God at least Biology lets me breathe a little... ~Ahhh~


Which reminds me; OMG !!! Externals coming in 1 MONTH'S TIME !!!

OMG OMG OMG... I'm always chasing after time...

Neways, before I get back to nerding, let me practise a little on my Spanish... ^_^

Exercise 1 :

Using both positive and negative characteristics, describe what six people are doing:

La mujer está durmiendo en la cama morada. No está sentado en el sofá rojo. El hombre está comiendo la comida en la mesa marrón. No está comiendo los dulces sobre la caja blanca. Las niñas están jugando sobre la cama anaranjada. No están corriendo. El niño está bebiendo en la silla. No está sentado en el sofá. Las flores son moradas y están sobre la mesa verde, no sobre la cama negra. Él no está caminando, está parado. No estoy sonriendo. Estoy llorando. Estoy leyendo un libro en la silla. No estoy escribiendo con bolígrafo en la mesa.

To all pro people out there, please review for me if you all have the time!
Gracias in advance!

It's all coming back to me...

It's Jive again. After for what seems like years.
These rusty moves. These harden bones.
It had been too long.
Brushed the dust off my dear shoes... and my dream.

I'm back. And ready to strive...

The kicks, the spins and the swivels.
The music, the mood and the liveliness.
It's all coming back to me now.

But still, I didn't do well, enough.

Been dancing for the past few days. All alone.
Not that I could find anyone to dance with me here.
People looked at me weirdly,
but I'm not gonna care about them.

This is my world, they wouldn't understand.

Focus work. Never giving up.
Looking waiting, for that one chance to come by.
Not forgetting to pray hard to dear Father who always listens.
He is the one who understands me most.
You too.

Just a little extra for Samba.
Same old routines,
renewed energy.

I'm going to make it someday.

Am still waiting and praying.

And I wish I could dance again...

Been ages this gurl hadn't posted any 'this-is-my-life' entries up to her blogger, so she'll might as well write one for all the dear readers outta there who might be wondering if she is still alive or not... lolx... jk jk... ^_^

Yupz, I'm very much alive and active.
Thanks for your concerns.


This is the 2nd last day of my mid-sem break *cries out loud* so I'll just sum up on all the procrastinating and unproductive life of the past week. >.< (Am not going to mention about the previous 2 weeks when I was entrapped in a jail of Nelsons, notes and pyq... Each day waking up and being dragged out of jail to undergo trial after trial in an excruciatingly cold chamber before being sent back to the lonely jail again, awaiting and dreading the trials to face the next day... *shivers* )


Back to the story.







The best way to start an unproductive lifestyle is to SLEEP A LOT!!! And that is what I did... Who can resist the beauty of sleeping when you have such an adorable sleepmate to cuddle up with? *winks*














Too bad you aren't here with me...













And since I'm back in beloved Ipoh after such a long time, surely I have to eat all the good food!!!
Tauge chicken, sa hor fun, pan mee, siew toufu, roasted pork, ku lou pork, soft-shell crab, butter prawn, dumplings, curry mutton, oyster porridge... and all my mummy's home-made dishes!

Yum yum...!

*you won't get fat if you don't think about getting fat...* ------- Lame theory of mine but a good excuse to continue eating without feeling guilty... hehe...

Another best activity --- lepak-ing!!! Monday Parade, Tuesday Parade, Thursday JJ, Saturday Tesco...!
Okay, I know I really am wasting time... =.=

But OMG, lately I'm so very into sports wear! (though lazy me don't actually do sports, except dancing, swimming, ping pong and... ^_^) Yes I don't do sports, but I can still like sports wear rite? Lolx...
All these lepak-ing makes me realise there are lotsa nice tops for sale; Schwarzenbach, Ogival and my dearest Nike! But I gotta save gotta save gotta save!

So I'd been struggling for quite a long time whether or not to get myself this really nice sleeveless Nike hoodie that I saw a month ago... And after lotz of decision-making, I'm finally the proud owner of the dark-grey hoodie, after figuring out that white is harder to maintain.
It's super comfy and sporty and a little sexy... cheerz to another priced possesion of mine! *gotta save up on food when I get back to SA to make up for the cash loss... sniff sniff...*

I'll wear it to show you someday... lolx...


And oh yea, I saw my dear Sifu on Thursday!
It was Thursday nite and I was going to JJ to check out my Nike hoodie. Bumped into her right at the main entrance. She told me the kids at studio were going to be performing for some charity thingy and since I'm so coincidently there, I might as well go and support.

Turned out that I stood there watching the performance for the rest of the night, along with a couple of old friends whom I met there. Most of the dances that night was Latin, there was one nice Tango, by the senior students. It was nice.
But too bad that in between the dances, there are lots of kids and teens singing, which I find very BORING! They were just standing there shouting the songs out in their loud kids' voice, all dressed up like dolls, and some doing lame dances which are so not-up-to-standard compared to the latin dances... Spent the time chatting with my friends throughout the singing performances... Lolx...

It had been quite some time I hadn't seen my studio friends and all of them were glad and surprised to see that I'm back. (this old and tall junior of theirs who 'disappears' to KL very often... and magically 'reappears' every half a year later... sobz..)

Sorry. I didn't really have a choice. I love dancing and I really do miss dancing at the studio all the time. If only I have the time, I'll surely go as often as I could.
It's just that I have other things on hand. Not now, maybe later... Someday I'll be back, don't worry.


Sifu caught me in the crowd when a little girl dressed as a princess was shouting some mandarin song onstage. Caught me right when I was consuming a 150kcal McD ice-cream...OMG. *paiseh >.<*
She shot me a disapproving look... Sorry Sifu, I'll watch my weight... *blushes blushes*

I remember the last time she said I had put on weight, it was when she was fetching me back home from studio. And she told me the cheapest way of losing weight is to go jogging by the Kinta River, which is practically right opposite my house..
Ahem, she didn't know that jogging was my most-hated sports ever... =.=
Oh, and I remember that You too always advised me to go jogging...
Okay okay, maybe I should listen to you all and go try someday... for the sake of my abs... OMG..

She told me about the latest happenings at the studio... which made me miss that place even more. Sigh sigh sigh......Jiyi is feeling darn emo...

I WANT TO GO BACK TO STUDIO AND LEARN MY DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!! How on earth am I going to get any further if I am so discontinuous???!!

Okay, no ranting. Ranting isn't going to help in any way.
And I know you don't like me complaining.
I'll just pray hard.
& Strive hard.
I'll make you proud.

I believe that one day, I will have all my dreams come true. As long as I have the determination. This is something that You taught me... ^_^ wonder if you realise it or not...

I am never lost, with Father and my guardian angel beside me... *smiles*
Gracias!!!

* In the meantime, I'm gonna polish up the routines I had learnt... practise makes perfect right? And I'm still a long way to perfection... Yay, light up and gear up!!! *

Donde eres, carino?

Pink letter on my desk. Little white paper within.
Right there waiting. De mi casa.
I'm home. Finally, back home...

It's the 16th today.

:) in my arms. Donde Que Que?
Right here waiting. Esperar (wishing)...
If only I could spend this time with you.

Sleep darling, sleep tight.

It's all right.
Till the next 16th then...

Te Extrano

Poisson, poisson, poisson.

In French, there is this word Poisson, (read as pwah-sohn), which means "fish".

No, no. Not fish. There's no fish here. It's Statistics.
X~ Poi ( λ)


Heavy books. Heavier eyelids.
Even heavier heart.

I wonder.


A pack of cold rice, untouched.
I'm yearning for the untouchable now. Too bad.


Left with my right atrium and right ventricle. But they're still beating. These troubled heartbeats of mine.


I heard a sound from home just now.
Not a sound from beyond. No music to my ears, as you always say.

Have I ever told you?
Te extrano mucho mucho.

Buenas noche, carino.

Dear Sifu

There are things I'd always wanted to tell you.
I saw this note I wrote in my diary today, and it reminds me of the things that you once told me. Maybe the storms are over for you now, neways, this late message is still, about the things I just wanted you to know.
That day during new year I went to your house, and I see that you are happy enough. It's comforting to know that. I hope you can always be as happy. God bless.


22-8-2008

师父，你总给我一种无忧无虑的感觉。我印象中的你，总像个活在通话世界里的孩子，自己制舞衣，自己教自己喜欢的学生，跳自己喜欢的舞…… 总是那么自在愉快。有时总让我很羡慕。可这一次，我竟看见了你无忧无虑背后的一面。你说我听了那么多，我才懂，原来你也有你的烦恼，你也有你的悲伤。

师父呀，你总对人人都好。

可是你懂吗，不是人人都懂得回报你的好。未必的。你要明白世界的残酷啊！记得吗，我总说你常想人家比想自己还要多，这样总会让你很容易受伤的。像现在一样。对不起呀，可是我只得告诉你，这就是世界的现实。很多时候，你真的不能对人太无私的好，会让你遍体鳞伤的。这是我一早便学懂的道理。师父呀，你也要学着。在经历了这一切以后，我想你会吧！

当时你问我：“我是不是很好？是不是对人都太好？”

我点点头，当然赞同。

你便一脸疑惑了：“可是为什么别人还要这样反过来伤害我？”

我想你一定是摸不着为什么。我也无法回答你什么。我也不懂。世界要残酷，也许真的不需要什么理由。谁人要伤害你，要背叛你…… 也往往不须要太多的理由。

师父，只求你能坚强。
不要因一次的挫败而永垂不起。
不要放弃你的爱。
也请继续你的好。

只是，你要学习看清楚这一个世界。当中，有许许多多的丑陋与险恶…… 那些不由得你来掌控的剧情，…… 你都要一一看清。


你是一个很有大爱的人。如你，上帝必会看顾。 我也会为你祈祷。祈求你不会再这样受伤害。
继续坚强吧！继续坚守信念吧！继续爱着吧！

I'm glad you got through.
Proud of you. ^_^

Día Uno

It's Day 1.
I'm still not back.
I wanna dance. These tired feet.
This weary heart.
A lifeless Rhumba.

Good thing you weren't here to see.

I can't possibly Jive.
At least not now.
Little children always Jive better, I think.
Their Jive's always lighter. Maybe cuz their minds are.
My batteries are down;

But my phone's always charged.

Blue sweater on my bed.
Precious things snug in my heart.
Guess I can get through.
I'll be coming back soon. Your angel of all seasons.
Bless me, pray for me.
I'll not make you worry.

The next Rhumba's gonna be better. I promise.

Just wanna quote a sentence from Elisa's lyrics:
"Life goes on, here and beyond that horizon..."

And so we will. ^_^

la última nosotros vez que bailó...

When was the last time we danced?


Do you still remember?
The little black dress.
The blue sweater.
La Rhumba? Sí, la Rhumba.


There's this rain. Pouring rain.
There's this umbrella. Small and frail.
There's this smile. Rainbow.

Wet pants. Even wetter feet.

Sliding, spinning across the floor. New York, a Sliding Door...

Had been so long ago.



I've been dancing alone...

I'm saving every last dance...

For You.

Randomness

It's already 1.11am now.... the weather is so hot that I can't possibly sleep. Yet again, I can't nerd can't think can't eat can't do anything I'm so tired.


Apparently there are so many things I gotta do; I need to nerd chemistry biology prepare my ctu presentation stuff try not to read off the slides tat's kinda a waste of my time gotta get this feeling off my mind gotta stop being emo for someone's sake gotta work on three tips - feel, walk and carry, gotta get this song out of my head I would so want to dance and work on those dance steps omg i'm already so deteriorated I won't be able to even face my sifu and my split it's been so long I havent done it don't know whether I can do it anymore awww... I was so near to a complete perfect split I don't wanna start all over again the process is so painful I am already in so much pain I dont need any anymore God please help me there are so many things I gotta learn and so many things I have to endure and I promised to stay happy gotta keep it I want to acheive my dreams and my only hope you know what it is *wink* I want to enter latin dance competitions but I'm so far from my dream but I won't give up it cannot be I just need more time oh yes time is what I need cuz for one more time so many things I want to do for one more time if only I have one more day everyday I will have forever still remember? gotta wake up early tomorrow william and ctu am already exhausted thinking of that can I ponteng but if so, I much wanted to ponteng friday at least the weekend will be longer no I shouldn't dream about that though I so wanted to *maybe I should* I'm afraid I might get sick if i continue sleeping so late please recover soon don't keep me worrying gotta take care time is running out there's less than 3 weeks to my trials shouldn't be so tired should nerd more shouldn't be here but there is somewhere I so wanted to go but won't be able to guess I should really stop this crap and go to bed and hope that my dreams will be sweet as for the dreams I NEED to accomplish will continue working hard towards them when I am regenerated no I won't give up again I say so I shall say a bedtime prayer now pray that tomorrow will be a better day God please give me renewed strength to continue what I left undone today I pray for good health pray to take away this tiredness pray that one day my dreams will all come true God please guide me, us and bless us O Lord Amen...


NitezzZ...

Run

Came across this really emo song --- Run by Leona Lewis... I like it better than Bleeding Love...

*I'm currently into L.L and Taylor Swift...lolx...*

I’ll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You’ve been the only thing that’s right
In all I’ve done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we’ll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can’t raise your voice to say

Donde?

Time is running out. It's getting nearer and nearer.
So near I could feel the chill of it against my heart. It's ICY COLD.
And the fear rising in me, could never warm me up a trifle...

Will I die in this cold?

I wanted to run. Away, away and away.
No, there's no where to hide.
There's no where to run. Gotta face it Face it FACE IT.

How am I gonna pass these long, slumberless nights?

And again, I'm tossing and turning in my bed.
Restless thoughts, troubled heartbeats...

When will the day break?

Where art thou, sunlight of the day?

Save me... please.

第三种人生

已经两天了。
那一种难受。
我不解，为什么当一切都一样地运行时，却又不再如从前一样了。回不去了吗？
也许是时候我该学习去习惯了。芷薏的第三种人生。记得吗，我说过的那三个阶段。
没有， 有，然后没有却还有。


感觉是幽幽的。可是我宁愿它可以激烈些。像六月的雨吧！来得快，去得快。

不过它不会。是来得快，来得突如其来了，却会像化为绳索一样，幽幽地捆绑着我。

它不会离去的。你未离去，它已到来。你要是离去，它只会跟随得更紧。幽幽地，缠缠绵绵。


是什么？让我低得很卑微。却又让我从卑微中开出了花来。那花很美。


无言了。怎么了？开不了口。
有些话说不出来。有些话不会说。有些话不该说。那么，不说了，不说了。

在风中抽泣，让风声掩去我的叹息。
在雨中哭泣，让雨滴掩饰我的泪滴。


但愿一觉醒来，会快乐些……

29-12-2008 (Monday)

A little belated post of a special day.



This was the day we accomplished so many things that even I myself was left in awe after the day was over. And such a superb day out too. Though kinda rainy, but the rain always stop in times of need. *Thank God!!!* So much fun I had.





Venue: Clearwater Sanctuary Golf Resort, Batu Gajah.





What we did:

1. Went to the gym.

Tried out every gym facilities there. From the threadmills to the yoga mat!!!

Normally the gym is deserted, and it was too the day we went. So it was like our private gym!!! Cool!!!





2. Went swimming.

In almost all the pools there, except the children's pool. Didn't like the 3 meters deep pool which looks kinda scary and dirty. But the 3 feet pool was cool, complete with a water slide. Played like a little kid. I do love swimming pools sometimes. Lolx... And I do love the refreshing feeling after the swim!!!

What's more, there are no other people in the pool when we were in it!!! Private pool?!





3. Went canoeing!!!

So this was a major victory. And this was the event that I ADORE most!!!

We went just after the rain, and the lake was so cooling and the breeze so refreshing... Ahh... even reminiscing of the event now make me feel so calm and at ease. It was a two-man canoe... with two paddles... whereby both of us have to synchronise our paddling movements to move right...

Even with all the omg-we-are-crashing-quick-paddal-to-the-left-oh-no-too-late-bang-into-the-reeds moments, it was a wonderful experience.



4. Finally, went cycling!!!

It's not your regular bikes. It's a double seater. Super-duper hard to balance on. And again, the synchronising theory. *a great way to 培养默契*

But we got the hang of it in a couple of minutes, and later on, we had so much fun on that thingy. But it's very tiring, especially the going uphill part, almost broke our legs paddling. But after the tiring uphill, then there's a great downhill thrill to experience. And oh wow, it was super THRILLING!!! BREATHTAKING!!! Okay I'm exaggerating, but then again, for someone like me who have speed phobia, it's kinda scar-eeeeeeeeeEEEEE!!! But I didn't feel as scared as I was supposed to be, and I'm sure that's cuz of you there in front of me...^_^ *it'll be bloody scary if I am riding alone*

The bike we rode... ain't it COOL?!!

Went home tired but happy. Sorry for the very typical way I end my post aka little report. But then again, it's a very fitting description... We are happy.

Hola, 2009!!!

Another new year. 2009. Time flies yea? And the digit '9' at the back reminds me that I'll be turning 19 this year. *though that is gonna be 10 months more to go...lolx...*


New Year resolutions? Surely there are loads. Too many for me to list down here one by one. But then again, some are priorities. And also, past promises.

I promised Mum and Dad to pass all my exams. To successfully be a doctor.
I promised Sifu to dance well. To be able to flaunt in latin dance competitions one day in future.
Promised myself to acheive all my dreams...


And for you, the little note of promises. Always kept near to my heart. I'll live up to them, don't worry. You too, take care.

And to Father Lord, always follow the path of righteousness. Living in the light of His words. Not forgetting to pray and give thanks always...


I pray that all will be well.
I pray for a blessed year ahead, for you and for me.
Amen.

********************

Btw, I got a belated Christmas present from Deutschland!!! * it travelled for 2 weeks to reach my house from there* Weeee..... 2kg of nice Germany chocolates and cute furry animals!!! Hehe... *But what if I got FAT eating all those chocolates?!! All of them are oh-so-tempting!!! *
Never mind I'll share them with people!!! *at least I won't be the only one to get FAT...lolx...*


A BIG BIG BIG THANK YOU TO POLAR GOR GOR!!!





The look of it just after I opened the wrappings...
Sorry, but when I recieved it, it's already in a very battered state...

And again, a proof that those authorities are really rough in handling the shipping and mailing of stuff... *the same case with my dance shoes*

Sigh...

These are the contents of my Christmas present!!!
choco, choco and more choco!!! Fruits and Nuts, Yoghurt, mixed flavours, White Chocolate... What's more? Gummy bears and fluffy animals...!!!
Yummylicious rite?!

El Comienzo (2)

"This is your partner."

A nod. Smiles exchanged. He made a sheepishly cute gesture. He's no more than a boy. Tall, but young. Sixteen. She walked up and gave him her right hand, left hand resting on his shoulder.


"Now, let us start with the basic..."

Back, front, side, hips down... *twist a figure of 8
Front, back, side, hips down... *another reversed figure of 8
Repeat, and spot....turn. Back to close position.


Looked, looked again, tried with her partner. Got the steps right.
And again. This time, trying out both the steps and the technique. Back, front...
"Pull your body upright all the time, chest out..."

Nodded. And again, Back, front, side, hips.....down.
"Don't set your weight down on your hips before the beat. Hold it a little longer..."
"Boy, bend your legs a little. And remember the HIPS! This is not the Cha Cha."


And repeat. Underarm turn. Spot....turn... swayed a little...
"Watch your footing... Don't sway, don't stagger..."

And again. Spot... turn... still not a nice, swift turn.
"Keep your balance... I know it's hard on a 2 and a half inch especially when you are new. But try to work on keeping a sure landing of your foot all the time..."

And again and again. Spot... turn... land... hips down.
"Better... Keep this up. " A smile.

She let out a breathe, smiled back.


Teacher is always so patient in teaching them. In Teacher's patience, she could grow at ease of her own pace. And she was grateful for that. Afterall, she was a late beginner at the age of 18, unlike the other children. Moreover, she doesn't have any other basics to start with. She knew Teacher would understand that very well. But again, she wanted to do better, and still, to always improve.


"Now the Hand to Hand..."
"The Fan..."
" The Rhumba Walk..."
"The New York..."


So much to learn. Gotta work hard work hard. She was determined. Flung her hair back, wiped the sweat on her forehead. And again she tried. To be sure of each step, each move in the routine. To polish up her technique. To keep her feet's interaction with the floor. To glide along on point rather than lifting her feet even the slightest. To coordinate with her partner's steps...

And the most important Cuban Motion. Have to execute that well. It's like the soul of a nice Rhumba dance. Essential.


There's so much more to dancing than just steps...
And she knew she gotta work hard at it.

El Comienzo (1)

Finally, she was back. Took a deep breath, rang the bell. A little boy opened the door.
"Thank you."

Soft flowing curtains, glass partition doors. Pictures hung on the walls. A long black sofa in a corner, little cushion chairs around. Comfortably homely.

Faces; some familiar, some never seen before. They looked up, smiled, greeted, talked. Friendly faces, warm smiles. She felt so at home.
This is where I want to belong.


Guiro rhythm distantly sounding. The unmistakable 5/4 beat of the Cha Cha. That was the first dance she'd learnt. How long had that been? A year maybe?
Gosh, it's been such a long time. And I miss it so. She sighed.


Her gaze fell beyond the glass door. Watched her seniors chasse across the floor. Straight, slender legs. Dancer's body. Sleek, sharp moves. She watched in awe.
One day, I'm going to glide like them.

"Rhumba, over here..."

Took out her glittery dance shoes and strapped them on. Two and a half inch.

She strode past the glass door along with the others. A row of tall mirrors greeted her. Parquette floor. A Barré against the wall.

A pretty figure standing in front, back facing the mirrors. The familiar face, the ever-charming smile. She knew it so well.

"Hey teacher..."

"You're back..." A glitter in her eyes.

It's Coming...

Christmas is officially over.
Christmases are yet to come.
It's never the same again. At least not just yet in the next few years.

Father,

May every Christmas to come be full of Your blessings.

The rainy season had started.
Storms are yet to come.
It's going to be hard. At least I ain't gonna see it stop just so soon yet.

Father,

I'm preparing my heart. Grant us strength.

The road is coming to an end.

The journey had yet to start.

It's going to be long. At least long enough for the heart to grow fonder.

Father,

I need Your help. See us through.

Yet again,

The prayers will never end.

It's going to be alright in His presence...

Remember,

there are three things that endure,

and the greatest of all...

It never leaves you.

*Just close your eyes, and I'll be
there. *

I'm Still Learning...

I might be
at times whinning,
at times biting;
Noisily annoying.

I'm sorry
for all the hard times I'd given you;
Give me time,
For in your ever-forgiving patience,
I learn to grow.

One day,

I'll grow into a better Me,

the daughter you and I would wish to see.

*********

I might be
at times unexpressive,
at times quiet,
many times a dummy.

Forgive me,
Still a novice in the domain;
Give me time,
For in your ever-loving ways,
I learn the depths of Love.

Someday,

I'll show you my heart,

and all that you'd wish to find within.

Now, and always,

Together

let us be walking, in the shadows of the Cross;

Learning, His words;

Growing, in His holy light;

Rejoycing, His Love for us and in us;

Praising, for His blessings;

Glorifying Lord in every way.

Y de nuevo, te amo.

*And again, I love you.*

Shine Your Light On Me

Let the light, from the lighthouse,

let it shine on me!

I wonder, I wonder, if the light,

from the lighthouse,

would shine on me?

Here is my thought,

this is my plea!

Lord let your holy light shine on me.

I wonder will you, hear my prayer?

I know I'm not worthy,

but I need your help!

Lord shine your light, shine it this way,

Shine it so I can see which way to take.

My faith is in you,

to bring me through,

I have one question...

I wonder, I wonder,

if the light, from the lighthouse,

would shine on me?

And so I pray for your guidance, O Lord,

Let me walk the path of what is right,

Let me hold on to what I believe;

Not foolishly adamant,

but in the light of your words,

With the strength that comes from you,

dear Father.

I surrender to you now all that comes from you,

Lord shine your holy light upon me,

upon us,

and upon everyone else that needs You.

In Jesus most holy name I pray,

Amen.

¡Hola, Bonita!

*****BEWARE!!!*****

A Beauty coming your wayyyyyyy!!!!!

***

*********

*******************

*********

***

TADAA!!!!!!

Chill babe... Hang on a while...

Take a deep breath;

Here we go...

Whoa look!!!

A watch!!!

* Watches are Jiyi's best friends just as diamonds are a girl's best friends..*

Lolx...

Let's have a closer look!!! Zoom in, camera!!!

See the love-shaped clock-face?

It's oh-so-adorable!!!

Awwww...

Thanks so much!!!

***

One more beauty to add to my watch collection!!!

And a hyper memorable one too!!!

YAY!!!

*You're right, I AM lucky*

Nite nite, my dearie!!!

The End; Another Beginning

Waltz or not Waltz?
Sigh, I'm torn between. The sem break's ending soon, it's not really a good idea to continue with Waltz, cuz I might not be able to finish the beginner's level in time. And I HATE unfinished routines and lessons. But I oh-so-badly wanted to learn!!! And there's Samba too. Crep... so much to do, so less time left.


Time Time TIME.
It's always the problem of time. I'm always running, running and running after time. Exhausted yet still chasing. But still, I'm so short of time. Please, please. I NEED more time. Just a little more and I could have done more, I could have moved even closer.

If only I had more time.

And now, this lack of time is drawing me nearer and nearer to the death of my dreams. I'm helpless, so helpless. Tell me what could I do when I'm so running out of time?!
Nooo!!! It can't be. I'll never let it end like this, and pass to a state of grim nonexistence. Never.


But I guess what is supposed to come, will come; no matter how much I dreaded it. And again, this is not the only story that goes that way.

I should have known, the day you'll wave me goodbye...

It's time I learn. To learn to accept, when there's no way of changing what fate brings. I might well be frustrated, I might well be heartbroken; but still, have to accept and to make the best of everything.


You told me that after the death of dreams there'll be a rebirth of dreams. Yea, I'll keep your words in mind. I'm not throwing out the flames, I'm just keeping the fire low. Till the chance comes by one day.
There'll be the day.
There's still hope.

One day, all my dreams will come true.

First Week Of December

Been a bit busy over lotta stuffs this week...so many things that happened, I'm juz gonna sum up the week:

Monday

Went for driving lesson no 2 early in the morning. Learnt to go uphill. *it's not exactly a hill, juz a 20 degrees bukit...* But it's damn hard to master, mind you. The worst part keeping your left and right feet totally still, and pull the handbrake up and release it down again, without moving one other muscle. The theory is, keep your upper body detached from your lower body, so whatever your upper body does, your lower body does not follow... err....if you know what I'm crapping about. Lolx...

Never mind that, the point is, I don't really like driving. (restricted movements of legs, unefficient blood circulation, hot weather, crappy mood...etc etc) I'd much rather have a personal driver to drive me around, while I sit back and close my eyes... wakakaka...

Neways, gotta work work work work HARD!!!!! CANNOT FAIL CANNOT FAIL CANNOT FAIL...


Tuesday

Driving lesson no 3. Bukit again, plus the Three-point-turn. Today I did much better, especially at the bukit. Whew... Jiyi is finally getting the hang of it. Lolx. But I'm seriously "BURNT" today!!! ARGH... It's a torture to drive under the buring sun of 1pm - 3pm!!! The sun shines straight thru the opened car window and after the 2 hours of lesson, OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! I'm darker by a few shades!!! Wahhhh.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!


Wednesday

Had a real good day out today. Just wanna say, I'm really happy with every single little thing today, even if I have to sacrifice some of my sleeptime... haha... And every past problems are resolved all together this day. This day, there's no more tears, no more sadness, no more sleepless nights... I pray this will carry on forever.
I'm feeling like the luckiest gal on earth. And surely you know why...


Friday

A tired tired day. But everything's worth it. *wink*
Ran around Ipoh Parade for 5 hours. Up and down, east and west. Rummaged thru almost every single shop... Lolx...
Mission: In search of the ideal Christmas gift/gifts!!! *Oh, and not to forget, a nice Christmas card too! *
Note: Hope you'll like it...!!!


Saturday

Went swimming!!! ^_^ Such a long time I haven't had a nice swim already. And this is in my apartment pool!!! It's just like a private swimming pool. (minus the Malay kiddies at the other far end) So calm, so clean, so serene, so blissful...

What's better than a nice, cozy day as this?


Sunday

The long awaited dancing lessons again! Okay, so I know I'm still quite a noob, but I'm already working on it, very very HARD!!! Sigh... I would give anything to be able to dance like a pro.
It's Rhumba today...basic steps, Hand to Hand, Fan and Rhumba Walk...
The lesson was fun!!! but then again, dancing is always fun... Looking forward to the next lesson!!!
Oh, and I might have the chance to learn Waltz also!!! Wow!!! Ballroom dancing! I haven't learnt any dances in that field before! Hope I can have the chance soon... and when can I learn my favourite Tango? (lolx... advice to myself: Girl, you need to take one step at a time!)

*Dreading having to go back to Shah Alam... sigh...

Hope the new week ahead could be just as great, if not better!!!

Till the next time...

Nighty-nitez!