Monday, March 11, 2013

Who am I now?

I am so sorry. It feels like I am straying away from all that I had ever wanted in life. Away from dance, away from writing and blogging, away from everything that I used to love and enjoy. And trust me, I used to love A LOT of things. But now, it seems as though I am too old and too tired for any of them. As a medical student, my hypochondriac nature kicks in, is this the early signs of depression?!!
Oh please don't. Last thing I want is to juggle depression when there are so many more issues in my life to handle right now.
Forth year is crazy. Just crazy. DOCTORS HAVE NO LIFE. I am sure of that. I am not yet a doctor, but I already had NO LIFE. And there is NO WAY it will get any better from hereafter. Everyday I am running on the same routine --- 7.30am to 7/10pm in the hospital; back home to cook, clean, bathe, tidy, study and sleep. And when I open my eyes the next day, the same cycle begins. I mean hospitals are alright, there are interesting times too, babies and kids are cute, I get to do much more stuff... but there is constantly a weak little voice shouting inside my head saying; this is wrong. This is so terribly wrong. Life isn't supposed to be like this. Not just like this. 
There used to be so much more.

When will I ever have time anymore for dance classes, social dance nights, dance practices, dance-choreographing, drooling at Yulia Zagoruychenko...?
Where are the good old days of hanging out with my friends, jamming away in the music room trying to make rockstars out of ourselves?
Where are all my dreams, my aspirations, my ambitions? Why don't I feel inspired anymore? Why don't I feel motivated anymore?
Will I ever be that girl I used to be? The one who has the energy and passion for everything beautiful; believes in life and love; indulges in art and creativity, always trying to look at the world through different lenses and letting her imaginations run wild; tuned to her emotions; open to all possibilities and in awe of all wonders of the world...

I realize I can no longer be that girl again.
I think I lost all that I am, all that I ever had. I don't know who I am anymore.
These days I can't even feel anything. My heart's just blank most of the time. And frankly, the blankness scares me.

I am even struggling to write right now.

I guess I'll sign off. Till the next time, hopefully I would have been less of a mess then. I need to get my head around, pick up the pieces, gather myself up. Reorganize my thoughts. Remotivate myself. Find new inspirations. Learn new things. Get over being depressed. Get over you.
And... GET BACK TO DANCING!!! I THINK CHRONIC DANCE DEPRIVATION IS KILLING ME.

Yes, it is definitely a valid diagnosis. CHRONIC DANCE DEPRIVATION.
Prognosis: Poor (at times fatal) if not promptly managed.

Stupid brain. Thinking in medical terms again. Gotta go before I start writing an admission for myself. Tata.