Day 50 - This Christmas

It's Christmas today, and I'm far away from home.

This year, Christmas is special. I had to spend it studying; instead of the usual carollings, open houses, parties and church. What a way to celebrate Christmas... sigh... and what's more, I'm away from home, away from all my loved ones.


And now, what are the types of hypothalamic hormones and their functions?

It could make me feel like breaking down any moment...

Pathetic as it could sound like, I am not alone. There are many out there, suffering the same fate as mine. And that made me feel not as lonely afterall.

No, actually I am not celebrating Christmas alone either. I have you, I have all your wishes, and most of all, I have God with me. ^_^



Thank you for the countdown. Thank you for the Christmas morning, it made the rest of my day. Ever got the feeling that the sunshine of the morning could last you even long after night falls?
Thank God for all the warm wishes, it gave me a taste of Christmas all the same, even when I am confined to my cell-like room, held by my own volition, with never-ending notes to study...
Thank God for my beautiful new dance shoes sent right up my doorsteps, just the nicest Christmas gift I could ever ask for myself.



Just that sometimes, I wish I could spend this Christmas closer to you, Father. And I'm sorry, just so so sorry that I didn't.

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it,
when it's all about you, it's all about you, Jesus...

But still, a blessed Christmas this is, afterall. Thank God for good health, lifted spirits and renewed faith...

Thank you Lord. Thank you for Christmas.


P/S: To you, if you might ever drop by; there might be times you'll fall, might be times you'll feel afraid of what the future might behold... but remember that there is always hope in God!!! And His is the only hope that never fails us. So we both give our best try k? And see where God brings us. Trust me, it'll be good. All will be well in the end. For God is good. Amen!

Day 36 - Sick

It sucks being sick. But that is what I am now.


It all started yesterday. Started off with fever, around afternoon. It didn't get any better at night. And I had sort of a sore throat, and flu symptoms starting up too. I was cold and freezing in the library, even with my sweater and lab coat on. I didn't feel warmer even when I went out of the library. And my temperature kept on rising. My body was hot as fire, but I felt cold as ice. Pretty torturing, to tell the truth. And worse still, I didn't have the strength to walk back to my Vista. My whole body was aching, my head throbbing and my chest paralyzed. On top of all that, I couldn't think straight. It was as though my brain wasn't functioning, and I was talking unconsciously. Seriously, I felt like dying, and it scares me. When I finally managed to get back home, I fell on my bed right away, shivering under my covers, I fell asleep.


Woke up this morning, sweating all over. I felt much better, my high fever had subsided. Just when I thought I am going to be alright, the nightmare came. I coughed and sneezed, and out came bloody sputum. I coughed a few more times, and out came more blood. T.T Heck, coughing up blood wasn't a good sign at all. I went to the toilet, and another nightmare struck me. There was blood in my urine too.


What now? I felt like a terminally ill patient. Gosh, would I die? Yes, seriously thoughts of dying filled my mind. You might say I am just too young and all, but truth is, I never thought of dying as something THAT far away as you all might say. For one, it could happen anytime...

Not that I am ready to die yet, though.

I was rushed to the clinic by my friend right after lectures. According to the doctor, I coincidently had cough, flu, and urinary tract infection. (UTI.. it's either that, or something worse... like... kidney problem... I dun wanna think about that... brrr.....) So he gave me a whole load of medicine, antibiotics too; and if I hadn't gotten better by Monday, I'll be subjected to further diagnosis. Whoa, that doesn't sound good at all. Hope that wouldn't happen to me. To be seeing the doctor once is bad enough, I don't want to end up revisiting him again and again. Please no...


And now, amongst all those worries and illness, I still had to study for my upcoming summatives. But then again, I don't think I could manage to study any good today, all that medicine is making me a little restless and drowsy... Think I'll take a short nap... maybe......... now....................

zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ....


P/S: Dear Father, is this my time? If it isn't, please heal me, grant me good health I pray. But if it is, O Lord, may I die a peaceful death. Then dear Lord, I pray that you would take me to heaven, to live with thee there... Whichever way it is, I succumb my all into your hands, and go where you would lead me to. Amen.

One Voice

Been pretty long I hadn't read the news. And as I flipped through a copy of NST in the lounge today, it is still as depressing as newspapers used to be. How many happy faces could you count in the papers? Maybe none except those of the celebrities on the entertainment section...

Political squabbles still going on; along with backstabbing and verbal wars. People killing and people dying--- Man found mutilated... Police seek 6 men in rape case... Boy drowns, another missing... Pilgrimage centres turn into sex hubs... scandal-tainted chief detective replaced...


It's too distressing to continue reading anymore. It reminds me of a line out of Billy Gilman's song - "And mum won't watch the news at night, there is too much stuff that's making her cry..."

Sometimes I wonder what had become of the world now.
We are seriously in need of salvation, O merciful Lord... A thousand prayers, a million words, will this one voice be heard?


It's raining outside. And I wish you a safe journey home. I wish I could go home too. It's been so long since I went back, and seriously I miss home. Guess I need to take a break and go home, just to rest and refresh my mind. Take a break, from all the weariness of life here. From all that weighs me down for all this time. And again, there's really no place like home...

The day before, I went out to some shopping mall. While queuing up to buy food, I had the time to observe the people around me. There was this scene I just couldn't erase from my mind: A richly dressed couple and a young boy came out of a toy shop, the boy happily holding a plastic bag containing a large Transformer toy. Not far from them, there was another boy, maybe a year or two older than him, staring admiringly back and forth from the shop to the kid with the new toy, before his mother came and hurried him away. He obeyed in silence, strange enough for a longing kid in front of a shop full of tempting toys. Judging from the way they dressed, I guess they were not really well off. What that I could never forget was the look on the boy's face when he took a last glance back again, as he was dragged off. There was something in his eyes that struck me hard, the sad disappointment and helpless understanding.

It brought me back to when I was young, and there was this big expensive toy dog in a shop window, one that I had always wanted but my parents wouldn't afford to buy. And one day I went to a classmate's house, and she has an exact same one, sitting on her big big bed.


It was those times that you couldn't help feeling sad and frustrated with the life that you had.

Some kids have and some kids don't, and some of us are wondering why...


Over the years, while tasting the bitterness of poverty, I had learnt to get used to lots of circumstances of not having what other kids have. But as learning goes, it was not always that easy. There were times when my parents had to give me a good spank to stop me from demanding. And over the course of time, I learnt to keep my mouth shut, and all my feelings to myself. Now that I think of it, I wonder if it was a good way for a child to grow. But still, I'm not going to complain of who I am made into today. At least, those were some experience not other kids could have.

And this time around, I've got something that they don't.


What's more, I learnt to appreciate and give thanks for every little thing that I have in life, maybe much more than them. For every little thing, I see them as a great blessing from God.

And indeed, I'll feel blessed.

Day 15 - Lord, You Amaze Me...

It had always been my childhood dream to be able to play piano. I remember when I was five or six, my dad had this Richard Clayderman’s album that he used to play every evening on the stereo. I will wake up from my afternoon nap to sit by his side, silently in awe of the beauty of the music. “Chariots of Fire” was one of my favorites. And for long enough, I had wished and wished to be able to play like that one day. But sadly for all these years, much as the dream still stays alive in me, circumstances fail me.

For one, I grew up in a small village in Perak. At that time, there were no academies or teachers whatsoever to offer piano lessons. Maybe there were, but I guess not at an affordable price. You see, my family wasn’t pretty well-off then; piano lessons were just too much a splurge. And getting the piano itself posed a bigger problem. How could I ever ask my dad to get me a piano which costs at least a few thousands, gosh, that’ll be almost half a year worth of his salary! The last thing I wanted was for our entire family to be eating grass by the piano set.

So instead, my childhood years were spent running among paddy fields, climbing trees, rolling and falling down in the mud, catching tadpoles... typical lifestyle of a country kid. Not that I regretted living my childhood years the way I did. I did have lots and lots of great times. It was all still, some experience I wouldn't want to trade for anything else in the world.

Just that sometimes, when everyone else around me were grade 8 pianists, degree violinists, experienced gymnasts, ballet dancers... I'll wish that I could have been more productive. What am I? Professional tree-climber? You'll be laughing at me.

So I was, still waiting for chances to come; by then which I was twelve and moved to Ipoh. Ipoh was so much different, so many more chances, it had everything I wanted. Happily I approached my parents to send me to piano classes. But God always has His way of telling me subtly that my chance wasn’t to come just yet. The same old reasons, too expensive, and another new reason, I had to focus on my studies. They kept telling me I was too old to learn, and dejectedly, I didn't press on the topic ever again. Truth is, when my parents said no, they meant it.

It was after SPM in 2006 that I dared to voice my wish again. This time around, my parents finally agreed. Seriously I was overjoyed, but disappointment followed soon after. The schools rejected me. Apparently they said I was too old (wth…), and they said I had to have constant lessons and practices, which I couldn’t fulfill, since I would be leaving for my college in Shah Alam two months after. I had no choice really, but to abandon my dream for the third time.

I was sad and dejected, but God was good to me. One night I had this intriguing dream. In my dream I was in a vast space, something that resembled an open air warehouse, but with smooth white floorings. In the distance, there was a silhouette of a girl, playing gracefully on a piano. The melody was so beautiful, as if in a trance, I started walking towards her. But strangely, no matter how long I walked, the distance never got any nearer. In the end, I grew tired and fell to my knees, weeping softly. Then I heard His soothing voice telling me:” Do not distress, girl, for I have greater plans for you. Remember to be patient, and you’ll see light at the end of every darkness. Come to me now, and I will guide your way…” I turned around and saw my reflection on a big mirror that appeared out of nowhere. The last thing I saw before I woke up, was my own smile reflected there on the mirror.

It was not long after when I stumbled upon my first dance lesson. It all happened when one day, a friend and I suddenly came up with the topic on activities to fill up our time; and she casually mentioned that she had actually attended latin dance classes at one of the studios nearby when she was younger, but she quit about 2 months later. It was then when a light struck on me. Why had this never crossed my mind before, for all these time? Truth is, I had always loved dancing too. I used to love watching dance performances and being in dance performances throughout my life. I guess I was too obssessed with learning piano than to think about anything else all along.

Latin dance, well, it sounds interesting! Why not give it a try? With only a vague idea of what latin dance is, I phoned up the studio, (asking lots of stupid questions) and enrolled myself in the beginner's cha cha class. I fumbled my way to the studio, up the stairs, and all through the registration procedures; still pretty doubtful if I made the right choice to come, especially when this decision wasn't in my parent's consent in the first place. But God cleared all my doubts, for the moment I started learning my first chasse, I fell deeply in love with it. Somehow I knew it was His plan for me. And seriously, I couldn't have been more grateful to Him for it. For after all the waitings, the dissapointments, fallen hopes and dreams; I finally found what I had always wanted, although it wasn't any of my initial plan. But His plans for me is even better than the ones I had for myself. Praise the Lord!

Neways, deep down, there's still this silent desire of at least, knowing how to play the piano. But this time around, I learnt to wait patiently for my chance to come. I believe that He will send me a signal. Maybe one day, there'll be someone who comes along, patiently willing to teach me. Maybe one day, I might even learn how to play it all on my own. Who knows? Afterall, He has His amazing ways in everything. I just gotta have faith in Him.

Yes Lord, you never fail to amaze me.

Thank you Lord.

I love you Lord.

Day 9 - Letter To A Friend

It's still cold here. Inside and out. I don't know why it never leaves me, not since... I don't even remember when it was. But it certainly felt like ages ago.

There is no warmth. Even more since he left. And now I'm freezing, even with my thick cardigan on. Even with food and hot drinks. And I think I know why. I miss your warm smile. How long had I not seen it? Three weeks? Or maybe a month? Guess it had been long.

You see, in your smile, I can always find secureness, warmth and comfort.
When I was down, you smiled. And it lifted me up again.
When I cried, you smiled. And strangely enough, it eased my tears much better than words of comfort.
When I though I couldn't do it, you smiled. And it renewed my strength and confidence.


Yes. Your smile could always light up my day.
But you wouldn't know; and I never told you.



I just can't figure out why, but you sure seems to have changed, again. Over the years I'd known you, I saw your changes throughout, even when there used to be many months before we meet each other again. I was always your friend in distance and in silence, was never close, rarely hanged out with you. Sometimes I wonder if this could even be considered friendship. But regardless of whether you take me as your friend or not, you are still, always mine. =p

Always the silent observer;
but just so you know, if you were ever in need or in distress, I would always be there for you, always willing to offer you whatever mere help I am capable of giving.



These days, I wonder if you were bothered by any problems, but never dared to ask. You see, as much as I treasure you as a really nice friend, I am still, at times afraid of you. I don't know if it's because of your seriousness, your coldness, or the imbalance; or because of that unseen barrier between us or because there's just so much more of you that I don't understand yet... sometimes it's just so uneasy that I couldn't bring myself to look at you anymore.

There were times when you were just so cold, and I am just so afraid. Though deep down, I know that you are still the nice, caring individual that had helped me through so much. That was why many a time when I just sensed that something was bothering you, and though my heart was concerned, never did I dare to go any nearer to you. Sorry.

Instead, I just stayed in the distance, silently praying for you. For God to guide you in His light, for God to give you strength to pull through, for God to help you and settle all the worries in your heart, which ways I couldn't. For He can do much more than me. And you'll need Him much more than me.


Do take care. I hope everything's gonna be alright for you. And the next time I see you around here, I wish I can see your warm smile again...


Regards,
Christine

Day 3 - Breathe

Will be leaving for the hike in 16 hours time. Am pretty thrilled but nervous as well. But to be frank, I'm really looking forward to it... finally something that I might actually get to enjoy and get a break off everything that's weighing me down recently. And our illnesses are finally recovering. I know God had been good to us. Thank you Lord! I pray that He'll continue seeing everyone of us through...


May there be more of joy and less of tears from now on...
I'll update about the hike when I get back. Till then.

Leaving,
Christine

Day 1 - Barely Surviving

It sure as hell hurts. And I just couldn't act like it doesn't. Apparently, many a time, these stubborn tears tend to give me away. It's a good thing you didn't see them, for I looked away everytime you caught my eyes. Sorry if I might seem rude, I just wanted to hide my pathetic tear-filled eyes. Just hope you'll understand.


I'm sick. It's already been a week but I just didn't seem to recover, nor get any better. And the major hike is coming soon. Yes, I'm going to the hike. Think I need a good break, to get my mind off everything, to rest this wounded heart, and to... just breathe. Yeah, I need to breathe. And maybe... just maybe, even have some fun too. All these had been suffocating me for so long. Only 2 more days to go. I pray hard that I'll be fine by then. You too.


She kept asking me to go back to my unit, since I can't really study in the library either. But I couldn't find a reason to go back, not anymore. I'd prefer to stay in IMU, where it'll be less lonely with people around. At least I won't cry that much. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, waking up the next morning to put on the smile that is nothing more than a mask to me now. One which at times, could even be too much for this weary heart of mine to carry.


Sometimes I wonder, if I could ever really smile again; when happiness just seems so far away...


Deeply hurt,
Christine

For One More Day

Changes; circumstances. And the latter just wasn't convincing enough to help me cope. So much that had happened over the past month, and frankly, I still hadn't got past it all. I wonder if everything would still be the same as this if I hadn't went home that faithful night? Sometimes life is so much about choices; and I made my choice. For what you said was true, the way things are heading, sometimes it's just best to let go. So long had I been hanging on, so long had I been giving everything, just not giving up. So long had this heart of mine been forced to break, over and over again... I was tired. But there was a greater reason, I know I musn't hold you back from your journey if you've decided to move on, and most importantly, to seek God again.


So I let you go. It sure hurts like hell, but in a way, I'm glad. I'm glad that you actually willed to renew your relationship with Him, though you'll be ending yours with mine. I'm glad from now on, you'll review your priorities; to place Him above me, and above all else. Yes, for this time, I could actually comprehend. No longer the dummy I was, I guess you are going to be proud of me this time. ^_^


At times, I still wonder if my choice was right. I wonder if you were right, saying that I'll be better off without this. You see, now that everything's over; I'm still as weary as ever, if not wearier. I still didn't feel any better, if not worse. I don't break anymore, I'm shattered.


Truth is, it's never easy. Especially for one like me who always suck at saying goodbye. No longer could I count the tears that I shed, no longer could I count the times I had to run to the toilet or hide myself somewhere and cry. So forgive me if I had to get up and run away at times, for the last thing I wanted is for you to see my tears again.

At times I really don't know how long it would take for the tears to dry.
At times I really think that this could actually kill me.
At times I really think that I would just die and live no more...

Yes, there are always times like these.

Why oh why would I always feel so helpless?
Helpless, bounded by the threads of sorrow.
Helpless, no longer able to control the tears from falling.
Helpless, just because I felt helpless...


Sometimes, I just don't know if I could ever really smile again. I can go running & hiking with my friends, I can enjoy a dance or two with my partner, I can laugh at lame jokes you made... At times like these, I though I could actually lighten up, and maybe move on with life; but yet, the truth is, I still couldn't. There's this large hole you left in my heart, which could never seem to heal completely. Not with staying late in the library where I won't feel confined and alone. Not with drowning myself in all the work I can find. Not with studying but actually not digesting anything. Not with laughing, and playing with my friends. Not with dancing or singing or running or playing pool...

Maybe I need more time. Maybe I need more prayers. Maybe I need God's strength to make me stronger.

Father, I pray you'll see me through, just as you always did.

Father, you're my only hope, all that's left for me now.

Father, please help me survive this, at least, for every one more day...?

Hear the pleas of your child in despair, dear Father.
And... Amen.

A Prayer for Strength and Acceptance

To you,

I wish I were like you, talent-fully playing your mesmerizing music, not the clumsy girl struggling with her footwork.

I wish I were like you, looked up upon with admiration, not the invisible, insignificant wallflower.

I wish I were like you, louder, voicing yourself to where people would listen.

I wish I were like you, steadier, just the phlegmatic person I'd so wanted to be.

I wish I were like you, smarter, so as to reason the way I couldn't.

I wish I were like you, stronger, so as to stand up to what you believe.

I wish I were like you, sharper, clear of all your directions and purposes.

I wish I were like you, braver, much more capable.

I wish I were like you, less dependent, more dependable...

Very often, I'd just wished to be better than what I am now.

You'd always tell me that you could deal with things perfectly well yourself. And yes, you normally always do. Sometimes, you seems just so fearless, like you're not scared of anything at all. The strong sense of secureness I find in you, is what so often made me so in awe.

You see, in many ways, I too, wished that I could make it on my own. But when things just never turn out right, when problems just couldn't cease to arise, I lose faith and sadly to admit, I start feeling frustrated of myself. To be frank, I was never contented with myself.

**************************

Dear Lord, I'm so so sorry. Forgive me for times like this when I hate myself so much, even when I know so well that I shouldn't. Forgive me for being so childish, so unappreciative, so foolishly adamant. After all I am your creation, O Lord; I am your child. And I know that you'll still love me just the way I am.

So Lord, at times like these, teach me not to complain of what you did not make me into, but instead, give thanks for what you made me into. Shine your light on me and in me dear Lord, widen my narrow perspective and capacity, show me that I can still work your glory with this mere self that I am.

In days to come, grant that I may seek not so much of everyone else's acceptance but yours, Father Lord. No, it's not that I will not change; yes, I shall learn to improve on where I am lack in. Just that this time around Lord, I will change for you and your favor; not into whatever stereotype that others willed me to be. I simply want to grow in your very own special mould for me, for I know that's what my best is to be.

Here is my thought, this is my plea, I just want to come to you now dear Lord, and surrender myself to you whole and whole. And I pray that you will bring the best out of me. That in all I am, and all I do, it will be glorifying to your name. Grant me strength, perseverance, directions, courage, and confidence; for every part of me which are in the dark, guide them to your shining path. I pray that in this newness of life, you'll open up my eyes and let me see just what I am capable of, Lord. Now and forever, make me your instrument to play your wonderful music.

Lord, sustain me by your mercy and grace, in your name I pray,

Amen.

Far Away...

I wonder how helpless is like?

When you're a child lost in the shopping mall and couldn't find your mummy, helpless?
When you're stuck in a traffic jam with only a minute to go before your interview, helpless?
When you're watching a patient dying of final stage cancer, helpless?

I'm standing here still, unmoving. Watching the world crumble and crash around me, but I couldn't do anything. Helpless?


Sometimes, it feels like I'm hanging on when everything around me is tumbling down.
How long could I hold on till I fall?
How long could I stand till I break?

Save me, Father.

*******

Where am I? This isn't where I intended to be.
Where are you? You are further and further away from my reach.
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move...
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.


I couldn't stay this way forever. I'm tired. Pretty darn tired.

Help me, Father.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career,
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns...
Well, maybe next year.

Somehow or rather, I'm gonna find my way. Gonna stay strong.

Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hands,
I'd give it all, I'd give for us, give anything but I won't give up...

So grant me strength, Father.

Amen.

*******

I love you, I have loved you all along,
And I miss you, been far away for far too long,
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go,
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore.

Not leaving, hold on to me and never let me go...

On Love and Forgiveness

Forgiveness, I’m still in the learning process of this subject these days. Seriously it proves to be a thousand times harder than all the medical books added together. Expected. It is actually always the same thing over and over again, but funny enough, it only gets harder and harder each time I had to face it.

I forgave, for all the times you apologize.

I forgave, for all the times you made me cry.

I forgave, for all the hurting.

I forgave, for all the waiting.

I forgave, for almost everything.

Yes, I do have a big heart. Never really bitched about anyone, anything, never really breathed much of a complain. So is it that this heart of mine is to be broken without fear or guilt? I don't understand.

I can't seems to understand anything now. Not even you, not even myself. I think I know this feeling. It felt like back then. Back to when I once penned down a post, two years ago. And true enough, when I reread it, it actually made sense. It actually made impact. And I am afraid.

"Forgive me for my ignorance, so as for my quietness, my lack of conversation at all times. Most of the time, it's just that I don't understand. It's just that I have nothing to say. Sorry. There were times when every one of you seems like a stranger to me, so familiar & yet, so unfamiliar. I can't juggle too much of these feelings, so I’m used to keeping everything to myself. Keeping everything in silence. I hide myself beneath a mask of what you see of me now. There are two sides of me---the part where I want to shout it all out, & the part where I just want to shut myself up & cry. I kept both to myself, & created one for you. One that you are so familiar with. So there. Please call me FAKE. For I too, no longer know who I am."

You see, when I can't see myself, it is then I know that deep down I'm hiding. Back under the cold mask of which took me so long to rid of, over the years. That's my problem. I hide when reality grows ugly, I run away and pretend like nothing had ever happened. I had became so good that I can even manage to convince myself. And I'm still jumping around, fooling and laughing like a carefree, happy girl.

It’s farce, I know. The realness I’m faking is making me disgusted of myself.

**********

I need to forgive and forget. If that ain't possible, I know that I'll be leaving soon. And that last resort is something I really wouldn't want to do. For one thing, I suck at saying goodbye.

I'll break, somehow or rather.

**********

So I turned to God for inspirations.
I prayed hard, and as though He lit a light in me, I suddenly remembered something in a book of my friend's that I had actually flipped through while waiting for CA to start, almost a year ago. It was this book, Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, discussing how biblical courtship worked for him and his wife, Shannon. There was this one part which lingered in my thoughts for long. When your past comes knocking, was the catchy title. It was a story based on real experiences.


It was a day, months after starting their relationship, when they decided to open up to each other. Went that in her younger days, Shannon hadn’t fully led a life of God’s consent. Apparently many a time, she had let her feelings and desire take over her spiritual conscience. To be more straightforward, she had committed sexual sins with her boyfriends in the past… and the story goes...


Anyhow, the issue there is, how you can face past sins (in this context, sexual sins) and experience God’s forgiveness.

The book illustrates Joshua’s struggle between forgiving and leaving. Yes, it is never easy to forgive. Especially when it concerns someone that you love, someone whom you care about so much, whose even a single word or a single glance would you hold ever so dearly in your palms. Sometimes, things are always easier said than done. Which is why many a time, when truths are revealed, relationships shatter.

But God is ever-forgiving.

It was said in the book:

1. Because of the Cross, you can absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your past sin.

2. Because of the Cross, you can confess your past sin to your loved one, even when you have to risk losing him/her forever.

3. Because of the Cross, you can forgive the past sin of another person.

There is no sin that is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness, as long as you truly repent. Yes, God is THAT forgiving. Praise the Lord!

So I guess the point is, (just in my way of thinking) when you reflect on it, God forgives, and you too, gotta learn to forgive. For by forgiving those who sins against you, you are following God’s footsteps. But the process might take long. This is when prayers are really essential. When you are weak but still gotta struggle, with feelings to juggle, prayers do help a lot. You can open up to Lord, all your hurt and distress, all your struggles and pain, and He always understands.

And so I will.

***********

It's hard to forgive sometimes, dear Father.

It's hard to move on, dear Father.

There will still be scars even if it's mended, Father.

There will still be thorns in my heart, Father.

There'll be times it still hurts, and tears might still fall, Father.

I am still just human, there are loads I might not be able to bear, Father.

Help me, Father. Help me through, I pray.

Hear me, Father. Hold me strong.

Amen.

************

Guess I need time to re-evaluate.

Lord, shine your light on me, shine it so I can see which way to take. Either way, I'll lay my fate fully on your hands, dear Lord. For you are the almighty God who loves us so, & my only hope you are.

Am still praying hard.

Orientation @ IMU

Disclaimer : Long post ahead.
Warning : Might cause discomfort of eyes and neck pain.
Note: Make sure you are in a comfortable position and have ample time on hand before proceeding to read this post.

So I had got through my 2-week-long orientation and 2 weeks of lecture too; no worries, I'm still alive & breathing. Thank God.

Orientation wasn't as nightmarish as what I heard from the seniors. Wasn't at all torturing, in fact, I thought it was real FUN. But I'm sure the new friends & wonderful OOs I met definitely contributed loads to the joy of orientation. Kudos to the orientation committee too, who'd all worked so hard to make it a success. Just so you know, the effort you guys put into this wonderful orientation is greatly appreciated by us. Salud.

It'll be yards long if I were to ever blog on everything about orientation, so I'll just touch on the tip of the iceberg for every event throughout the weeks, and let the pictures explain the rest.


First, the ice-breakers. Srsly we were DRENCHED! With water, soya sauce, eggs, flour, ink... But it was fun and whats more, my beloved group 9 (The Mix) won!!! It was indeed a great start, our spirits were so high, we even won all the cheer fights! (thanks to Min Yi's earth-shaking voice =p)



This was during dry ice-breakers. And yup, when I was clean and dry. =p And that siao kia with me is beloved Mr Orientation President...
(btw, I was wearing the orientation t-shirt... Theme: Checkmate. I simply love the word 'pawn' there on my sleeve...lol)



This was after wet ice-breakers, with our winning cheer Hoo-Hah!!!
Supper at mamak after that, along with 'interrogating sessions'... T.T (No pics to show.)



Next on was Indoor Treasure Hunt. It was sorta complicated and challenging, especially with the presence of dark knights and dark bishops whose job are to 'take our lives'. (and seriously they did scare the life out of us by ambushing and attacking us unaware) Indoor treasure hunt was supposed to be fun, with all the clue-searching in the dark and even a chess game at the end, but somehow it didn't went well for our group. For one reason, we kena sabotaged. Our clues were nowhere to be found, some were moved out of bearing, some were torn at the edge... even more, some disappeared and magically reappeared again when we went back to search for the 2nd time... Intentional or not, I wouldn't know. But still, we'd already tried our best. At least we won our chess game, which places us in 2nd last place. Not that bad... ^_^



We did have lots of fun during the mamak session after the exhausting hunt... Thanks Justin for the "who is this?" game!


Outdoor Treasure Hunt totally compensated for it. It was carried out at the Bkt Jalil park nearby. It was loads and loads of fun...and getting dirty. Pity the guys, with their half-naked bodies smeared with oil and ink and all... what a sight for us girls... =p (no, I'm not even half as horny as ahem.. other girls in my group; you know who u are!)
Just that the raw egg with twisties part was a little disgusting. Poor MinYi, she swallowed almost 3 quarters of that, while I ate the other one quarter. Moreover the smell of raw egg lingered in my mouth for ages... eww yucks!



And again, for treasure hunt, we champed it. So all the hardship we went thru were WELL WORTH!!!^_^



Jay dipping her hand into some unknown liquid (I figured out oil, kicap, water, chili sause, dried chili, carrots...) to find a 20 cents shilling...



Passing a ??? (some kind of vege) with our feet... it's darn slippery, coated with oil and all...



Our group OO leader, Sylvester and another guy, with the epic titanic pose... lololololol...



Bracing ourselves for the maggie mee bath... (it's cooked maggi mee, plus the ajinomoto soup, diluted with cold water) *find it quite refreshing though =p*




CF station, the best station of all. It's only posing and camwhoring...(our talent...muahaha) The theme for this photo is --- Stages of Human Growth. (note the dead person at the left end..ROFL)





Poor guys, doing "facial"... (it's flour plus cucumber and other unknown substance)








Wet, dirty, but happy us... at the end of the day... =p


And on Sunday, Track Trip. Out of IMU activity, that was. Our destination were Lot 10, BB Plaza, and Pavillion. No no, not to go shopping of course, but to film videos, commercials, and camwhore according to posters around the destination. And it doesn't matter one bit to us that people kept staring as if we were some out-of-mind idiots and all. (Eh, kua ha mi kua!!! Wa lang mm si xiao gai la...)
& the best thing was, on the way back to IMU, we sang The Bachelor Boy song all the way on the LRT. Damn enthu wei...


At the start of our track trip!!!



Posing as L'oreal girls...



Imitating the Padini poster behind us... with some sporting passer-bys (the couple on the right)




Posing as Tugu Negara, in Lot 10... which got us scolded by the shop owner in the end... T.T





Normal group photo in front of Pavillion, before we head back to IMU.

************

The second week came by, mostly comprised of performance-based events. Tuesday was Dress Code. It was some screening of videos that each of the orientation groups made earlier. We were all given a specific theme, which we were asked to film a video based on it. Our group's was trailer to a horror movie. And I was the ghost. (wuuuu wuuu) It took us quite a lot of effort, getting up at 6am to film the dark deserted IMU building and PBL rooms... but the reviews for our trailer were good, we even got a standing ovation!!! Even though in the end we lost by 2 marks to the leading team, we were still pretty satisfied about our work.


The next day we had Telematch. The most physically-challenging orientation activity. And the one which we got MOST DIRTY AND STINKY AND HURT... (It was a wonder how Wei Jin and I still manage to overcome the pain and dance on the next day, considering that he hurt his knees, had leg cramps twice while I had a large piece of skin scraped off my left feet... ouch!!!)
But what's more, ahem ahem... MORE TOPLESS GUYS!!! muahahahahahaha.....


We started off clean and fresh...



Caterpillar Walk!!! Across muddy grounds summore, serious, the mud even got into my underpants! Swt...



Decorating the guys to the theme - India. Srsly I don't know why butter on the nipples have anything to do with that theme... =.=




Posing with our 'masterpieces'... =p



Maheen wanted to take a bath...


Fore-and-aft method of transporting people to the other side @ First Aid station.



Seniors VS juniors Tug Of War...



Still going strong after telematch... we rock!!!


And still right the day after, we had Variety Nite. A night of stage performances. Perhaps the best and cleanest event we ever had in the whole orientation. But the practice part for our performance was friggin' hectic. Except for the dance part I was going to do with Wei Jin (yes, we were to dance a Rumba together instead of the usual lovey-dovey actings), which we prepared 2 days ago; everything else were last-minute. We finalized the plot only around 1am on the day of V.Nite itself. Discussed, practised and painted props till 4.30am in the morning before we finally headed off to bed... totally exhausted.


But guess what, WE WON VARIETY NIGHT!!! And to be frank, V.Nite was a blast. We had the most fun ever, despite all the previous hassle and frustration due to lack of time for preparation, unsettled plots, disagrement on stuff... etc...
Thanks everyone for the hard work you guys did to make this a success!!!


The preparation... our movie theme : Pirates of The Carribean



Jack Sparrow! Wonderful props and design right?


Davy Jones, the tentacle guy... He looks less scary with weeds as tentacles... =p


Gracias everyone who had made the performance a success...



Me and my partner, Wei Jin, in one of our Rumba move... Thanks everyone who love our dance. There were still many flaws really, but I really appreciate the support you guys gave us... ^_^

Finale Nite was on Friday, the last day of orientation. Just a dinner together, to watch performance, to dance, and to announce the overall winner for the M209 Orientation-Checkmate. The theme was Back And White. And for our ever-so-creative group 9, we went dressed in Black and White alrite, but... as OLD FOLKS. While everyone else were twirling around in elegant dresses and suits, we made our grand entrance, pushed around in wheelchair, holding walking sticks or bent over, walking in slow and shakily. I never knew dressing up as old people could be THAT fun. We even had a family tree planned out for that, complete with great grandfather, bachelor uncles, old spinsters, bimbotic aunts, old couples with rebelious children, and even a mistress (which is me, but still 103 years old.. oh no.. sorry I forgot, it's 102 only..)




Taking a group photo after making our grand entrance... lolx...



Great grandfather and great grandmother competing against the other groups for the Best Dressed Award.



Funny that at the end of the night, we looked much younger, and much more energetic. (the powder on our hair & our old ppl makeup wore off...=p)

Nevertheless, it was a night to remember, as our group was crowned THE OVERALL CHAMPION for M209 Orientation - Checkmate!!! Weeeeee!!!!



Rejoycing together.

(Sorry, I don't have the photo of us receiving the hamper from Mr Presie Joash yet... will upload next time when I get it.)

Before I end, let me shout out...

I heart you , group 9!!!

Till I Can Make It On My Own

Recently I'm pretty into this song. It's old really, not sure who was the original singer, but I just sorta stumbled upon the Billy Gilman's version not long ago. The lyrics captivates me a lot. And it sounds extra touching, with his kiddo voice and all. *winks*


What's more, it feels kinda like my theme song for now.. coping with my new life here. It's hard sometimes but, I'm sure I'll get on with it. I just wanna give thanks to God for blessing me with such great friends and seniors who stay with me through all these time. Not just to accompany me at times I might ever feel lonely, but to offer me advices along the way, picking me up whenever I fall, offering help whenever I need them... and yeah, till I can make it on my own.

But one thing for sure, even when I've fully adapted to life here and all in future, I won't wanna walk the rest of the way on my own. For I am happy being with you all.

I’ll need time, to get you off my mind, and I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you, even ask too much of you from time to time, now and then, Lord you know I need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own.

I’ll get by, but no matter how I tried, there’ll be times you know I’ll call, chances are my tears will fall, and I’ll have no pride at all, from time to time, but they say, How there’ll be a better day, but till then I’ll lean on you, that’s all I meant to do, till I can make it on my own.

Surely someday I’ll look up and see the morning sun, without another lonely night behind me, then I know I’m over you and all my crying’s done, and no more hurting memories will find me.

But till then, Lord you know I’m gonna need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own, till I can make it on my own…


And gracias again guys for being there for me. ^_^

And to you Siao Kia, (although you always call me Siao Za Bo for who-knows-whatever-reason), I feel really blessed having a senior like you. ^_^
Thanks for the help, and thanks for the books. You'd patiently (though I'm sure sometimes you might be pissed off as well...lol...) answered all my questions & concerns, even the most random ones like where is the aircond place to eat in Sri Petaling... (okay srsly that wasn't my idea, it was under my group's request.. btw, sorry for bothering you at lecture T.T)

To grp 9 ppl : Gone ady la, what's left of my reputation!!! Sob...

Anyway, it's midnite so... ciao for now, thx Lau for the internet!!!

Shattered...

11.09.2009

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Everyone around me was asking me to chill. Be phlegmatic, they say. But surprisingly, I couldn’t.

It shocked me as well. I never, never used to lose my calm. Maybe this time was different. I didn’t know it meant so much to me.

I never knew.

It was not like any other feeling I remembered. It was this feeling as if the whole world came crashing down on you at that very moment. Speechless was all I could be. Maybe it would be better if I could cry. But surprisingly again, the tears just won’t come. And I just got stuck on the verge of breaking down.

It hurts. It friggin’ hurts. It stings like someone giving you a cold slap right on your face. And I so hope it could be a real slap instead. Even that might be better. At least the physical pain won’t last as long.

I never thought you would ever hurt me.

What made it a lot worse was that it wasn’t for once or twice. Four times. Yes, four. They tell me I gotta let it go. So I did. Once I did, twice I did… but I really don’t know why it kept coming back to me, time after time. Seriously, how many times can I take before I break?

So I left. I don’t want to stay another minute, I can’t bring myself to say another word, can’t even bear to have one more look.

I was afraid.

They wouldn’t understand. And I just couldn’t tell them. How could I ever tell when I myself was just as confused? This heart of mine, why oh why, even I couldn’t understand it now.

I’m shattered. But still, the tears won’t fall.

You see, this had nothing to do with you, even when everything’s about you. Maybe just between me and myself.

I really should have listened to my friends.

I’m still learning to forgive and forget.