Shattered...

11.09.2009

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Everyone around me was asking me to chill. Be phlegmatic, they say. But surprisingly, I couldn’t.

It shocked me as well. I never, never used to lose my calm. Maybe this time was different. I didn’t know it meant so much to me.

I never knew.

It was not like any other feeling I remembered. It was this feeling as if the whole world came crashing down on you at that very moment. Speechless was all I could be. Maybe it would be better if I could cry. But surprisingly again, the tears just won’t come. And I just got stuck on the verge of breaking down.

It hurts. It friggin’ hurts. It stings like someone giving you a cold slap right on your face. And I so hope it could be a real slap instead. Even that might be better. At least the physical pain won’t last as long.

I never thought you would ever hurt me.

What made it a lot worse was that it wasn’t for once or twice. Four times. Yes, four. They tell me I gotta let it go. So I did. Once I did, twice I did… but I really don’t know why it kept coming back to me, time after time. Seriously, how many times can I take before I break?

So I left. I don’t want to stay another minute, I can’t bring myself to say another word, can’t even bear to have one more look.

I was afraid.

They wouldn’t understand. And I just couldn’t tell them. How could I ever tell when I myself was just as confused? This heart of mine, why oh why, even I couldn’t understand it now.

I’m shattered. But still, the tears won’t fall.

You see, this had nothing to do with you, even when everything’s about you. Maybe just between me and myself.

I really should have listened to my friends.

I’m still learning to forgive and forget.