Who am I now?

I am so sorry. It feels like I am straying away from all that I had ever wanted in life. Away from dance, away from writing and blogging, away from everything that I used to love and enjoy. And trust me, I used to love A LOT of things. But now, it seems as though I am too old and too tired for any of them. As a medical student, my hypochondriac nature kicks in, is this the early signs of depression?!!
Oh please don't. Last thing I want is to juggle depression when there are so many more issues in my life to handle right now.
Forth year is crazy. Just crazy. DOCTORS HAVE NO LIFE. I am sure of that. I am not yet a doctor, but I already had NO LIFE. And there is NO WAY it will get any better from hereafter. Everyday I am running on the same routine --- 7.30am to 7/10pm in the hospital; back home to cook, clean, bathe, tidy, study and sleep. And when I open my eyes the next day, the same cycle begins. I mean hospitals are alright, there are interesting times too, babies and kids are cute, I get to do much more stuff... but there is constantly a weak little voice shouting inside my head saying; this is wrong. This is so terribly wrong. Life isn't supposed to be like this. Not just like this. 
There used to be so much more.

When will I ever have time anymore for dance classes, social dance nights, dance practices, dance-choreographing, drooling at Yulia Zagoruychenko...?
Where are the good old days of hanging out with my friends, jamming away in the music room trying to make rockstars out of ourselves?
Where are all my dreams, my aspirations, my ambitions? Why don't I feel inspired anymore? Why don't I feel motivated anymore?
Will I ever be that girl I used to be? The one who has the energy and passion for everything beautiful; believes in life and love; indulges in art and creativity, always trying to look at the world through different lenses and letting her imaginations run wild; tuned to her emotions; open to all possibilities and in awe of all wonders of the world...

I realize I can no longer be that girl again.
I think I lost all that I am, all that I ever had. I don't know who I am anymore.
These days I can't even feel anything. My heart's just blank most of the time. And frankly, the blankness scares me.

I am even struggling to write right now.

I guess I'll sign off. Till the next time, hopefully I would have been less of a mess then. I need to get my head around, pick up the pieces, gather myself up. Reorganize my thoughts. Remotivate myself. Find new inspirations. Learn new things. Get over being depressed. Get over you.
And... GET BACK TO DANCING!!! I THINK CHRONIC DANCE DEPRIVATION IS KILLING ME.

Yes, it is definitely a valid diagnosis. CHRONIC DANCE DEPRIVATION.
Prognosis: Poor (at times fatal) if not promptly managed.

Stupid brain. Thinking in medical terms again. Gotta go before I start writing an admission for myself. Tata.

If this were a song...

If I can write a song,
I will write one for you,
but sorry I don't know any music.
If I can paint a picture,
It'll be a picture of you,
but sorry I have no gifted touch.
If I can make you happy,
I'll try my best for you,
to make you feel like the luckiest girl in the world,
But sorry I don't seem to be the one.

I know this is not much,
not much at all,
But this is the only thing I can do,
to write a little something for you.
If this would ever be a song,
You might not know,
But yes it is for you.

Have I ever told you,
How I love your eyes?
They sparkle like stars in the sky,
of gold and green or grey... sorry I'm not really sure,
Truth is I never dare to look for long,
For fear you could see,
All this feelings I have inside me.

Have I ever told you,
How I love your smile?
Bright and warm as the summer sun,
Takes my breath away every single time.
So I tried all I could,
just to see that smile on your face;
Hope I didn't look too silly,
I just wanted to see you happy.

If I had a recorder,
I hope you don't mind if I save your voice;
How you called my name,
How you laughed,
How you ordered me around...
And if I would listen to it someday,
I know it'll put a smile on my face,
Helps me remember you better,
When you're long gone away.

If you'd ask me what I am feeling,
I would tell you,
There's nothing I wanted more
Than to kiss you right now.
But then again probably not,
I might lie and say I'm feeling fine,
For this shall be a secret you can never know.

I think writing this makes me sad,
But why am I sad?
When I know you were never mine to begin with?
I guess every girl would love to have some dreams;
Just not let myself have hopes too high,
For the higher you reach, the more it hurts to fall.

There are so many things I would want to tell you but I can't,
And girl it's killing me inside,
for I yearn to shout them from the mountain tops!
Now that you're gone, least can I whisper to the wind?

I could've loved you with all my heart if you would've let me. 

Love,
Christine

Catching Up

It had been almost a year since my last blog update. So many things had happened since then, and it just ain't possible to fill you in with all the details now. In brief, I got through my EOS5, went on to continue my phase 2 in University of Tasmania (UTAS)... Didn't like Hobart at first, but now I'm starting to get used to the slow-paced lifestyle and quietness of this little town. It's a really beautiful place, now that I realize. A very peaceful, nourishing environment. Probably better for someone really playful like me (haha) because it helps me focus. I do still miss KL sometimes, especially the food and my friends, and the shopping and singing and mamak sessions... But oh well, life goes on. Everyone had already went on different paths and those great times we had together would just remain as treasured memories now. There are always changes in life, whether or not we welcome them. This I learnt.

For one, I had become very independent these days. Too independent, actually. Never would I have thought that this would be the woman I'll grow up to be. Even as a baby I would cry if I meet strangers; I used to be the girl who is very afraid to be left alone, who would go home every week when I was in college because I'll be homesick, who would not dare to walk alone or say no to something or voice an opinion or stand up to what is right. So i guess this change ain't a bad thing, really. People said I grew really cold and skeptical sometimes, but thing is, I really don't want to be the weak, whimpy little girl I used to be. I do not want to be as easily affected by emotions, situations and people as I was. I need to be harder, tougher, calmer, colder, stronger; which I pretty much learnt the hard way over these few years. Then again, there should probably be a balance in everything, I'll find that. Promise. =)

Please do not worry about me. I will be fine by myself. I always do. I just needed time. I'd always got myself covered. But if anyone of you would like to walk with me, you are always more than welcomed...


Till the next update. Hopefully soon? =) Cheerz!

I may walk alone, but my voice will not be broken. ~ Catherine Morgan 

Dance Diary Part 14 - Merlion International Ballroom Dancing Championships & Johor Stars of Tomorrow International Dancesport Championships

I'm sorry to have put off this long to write about my S'pore/Johor championships. Truth is, Sem 5 had already started and boy it's TOUGH!!! I'm working around the clock even when it's only a few weeks into the semester! It's crazy, with all the IMS presentations to prepare, the community medicine project, household surveys and SPSS stuff which I had totally no idea how to operate... No wonder people say that sem 5 is the busiest semester ever! And EOS 5!!! OMG i dun even wanna think about it yet. I totally should've started studying earlier.

Nope I'm not gonna elaborate further about my semester, this is my DANCE diary, so imma get back to my competitions instead. So as I mentioned earlier, these 2 back-to-back competitions gonna most probably be my last competition for the year, so I had to make the BEST out of every single moment... and guess what, I think I DID! I did have a great time; dancing, competing, watching people dance and bonding with my studio mates... It was just as awesome as I wished it could be, and I can say that at the end of the day, I'm indeed a very contented girl. =)

For starters, OMG!!!!!!! I FINALLY WON SOME MEDALS!!!!!!!!!! *squealing in delight*

My 1st ever dance MEDALS!!! 2 bronze, 1 silver. (not the ones on the left, those are for running and table tennis.. lolx...) 

Opps, sorry, it's pretty hard to contain the excitement, but I'm gonna back up a little...


THE DAY BEFORE (5/8/2011) 

Had brief lunch in JB before heading off to Singapore. Good old wanton mee! =)

The magnificent Singapore with it's many skyscrapers!

So we set out the day before to Singapore, which believe it or not, was my FIRST time there, and my FIRST experience of visiting another country aside from our faithful Malaysia! O.o Singapore was just as I expected; strict custom, tall buildings, everything was like neat and tidy as if living in a box. And our little hotel was situated somewhere called V Lavender or something I wasn't really sure. It was a pretty nice hotel though, especially love the big screen window in our room! We girls ended up camwhoring by the window, with the magnificent Singapore skyline behind us.

Our hotel

Me and my roomies in our oh-so-sexy poses

You gotta love the wonderful big screen window behind me with the amazing city view!

In the evening, we went by the insanely-crowded MRT to City Hall 2 stations away to have our dinner. The food was like pretty exy especially if you do the conversion, and silly me only brought 20 dollars cuz I was expecting hawker food, so I ended up just having Burger King. Fast food rules!!! haha... It was pretty late when we got back, and after fussing around preparing the stuff we needed for the big day, we called it a night, sharing a king-sized bed between the four of us. Was quite a cram, but we were too tired and fell asleep with no problem at all!

With the WLD group at the MRT station heading to City Hall for dinner. (spot me? =P)

THE SINGAPORE COMPETITION (6/8/2011)
Waking up at 5am was a torture. But I wasn't going to grumble about it, for this was THE LONG-AWAITED DAY. And so we were all up early, preparing ourselves for our 'battle', as Aunty Merle always put it. That word kinda worked up my nerves, to be honest, but guess competitions are indeed, like a battle; and the dancefloor, a warzone. Anyway, up side of it, it kinda got my spirits boiling too, to go all out for a battle! But make-up was quite an ordeal, for I do really suck at it. The only few times I really put on make-up were for my previous competitions and also performances. Normal days? Nah. imma just let my face go au naturel! =P So with that little practice I've had, it was quite a struggle. Took me 5 hours to get ready!!! *gosh! but at least I was pretty much the same speed as the other gals too... lolx!* Thank God though it wasn't anything people would call a great artwork, my completed competition make-up was still fairly presentable. =P

The competition was held in this country club ballroom which was pretty magnificent too. And the dance scene was just as much of a 'battlefield' as I had in mind, with armies of competitors from all around the world. Unfortunate for us, when we arrived, the first few competitions had already started, which meant the warm-up session was over, and we missed the chance to test the floor. The dancefloor was HUGE, with brightly-polished wooden flooring, quite the best floor I've ever seen. Thank god it was good too, not too slippery or rough, really great to dance on!

Rumba in action!

Now to the Cha Cha

Samba  

The competition went pretty well I have to say. Although I was kinda nervous in the beginning, I became more and more confident as the events pass. And I managed to enter finals for all the 3 dances that I joined! Rumba and Cha Cha finals were night events, while Samba finals was finished off by afternoon. I kinda lost my timing halfway during Samba finals, idk was I nervous or what, but somehow it just happened. And hence the 6th placing for Samba. =( *damn me and my bad timing!*

Samba 6th placing

For the night events I gathered up my nerves and managed to give a better performance than my Samba. I got 3rd placing for both Cha Cha and Rumba, which means, my first few medals!!! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! =) =) =) Although I wasn't champion yet, but it was really an improvement to me, considering the lack of practice I had beforehand and how much a black sheep I was. @.@ And it was an International Open event, whereby there are even quite a number of competitors from the 'notorious' China!!!  Lolx...

On stage as 2nd Runner up for Cha Cha

2nd Runner up for Rumba as well (still pwned by the china gals...sigh...)

Taking a break with Shi Teng

Anyway, after that, we bathed and washed up in the club's washroom, and then chilled around, waiting for Uncle William and the rest of our teachers to be done judging the competition so that we can all take our bus to our hotel in Johor. It was around 11plus when we were finally set to go, and many of us were already exhausted. We reached Johor at about 1am, and after checking-in and preparing ourselves for bed, it was already over 2 pm. I fell asleep dreading the thought of waking up at 6am the next day...

My Singapore comp certs! 

WLD competitors' group photo with our beloved teachers!

THE JOHOR COMPETITION (7/8/2011)
So I woke up an hour later than my alarm. *damn my bad habit of resuming sleep after switching off the alarm!* And so I had to bathe and gobble down my cup noodle at supersonic speed to make up for time loss. And then I went to join the girls to make-up. Again. Seriously I was kinda sick of the process. But good thing was that I actually improved from yesterday's practice, and so I manage to add a more dramatic touch to my eyes compared to yesterday. Kinda satisfied with my results, and less time spent too! =)

The bring-it-on-i'm-ready-for-battle stance!!! 

With the other home team gals in the 16 and above solo open category (Note how colourful our costumes are! teehee)

I reckon I'm doing the Cuban break

The venue for Johor comp was much smaller, in some restaurant where they had this temporary dancefloor set up. Managed to make it to test the floor this time, and boy was it slippery! But thank God somehow into the competition, it became less slippery, probably because the ballroom dancers who had their comps first danced away most of the wax on the top layer? haha!

One of my favourite Cha Cha pose. Just lurve how tanned I look for this comp!

Anyway, the competition went really great, and I had a really good time. Was kinda nervous at times, but when the music comes on, I just went all out for it, danced like there was no one watching. There was only one thing on my mind, and it was "I am doing the thing that I love, and this might be my last competition of the year, so I am gonna make the best out of it!" And so I did. Although in the end, I still couldn't manage to get champion for any of the dances, but I got into finals again for all the categories! 4th placing for both Samba and ChaCha, and first runner up for Rumba!!! (obviously Rumba is still my best dance =P)

1st Runner up in Rumba! What a pleasant surprise! =)

My Johor comp certs!

It was pretty late when we were done with the comp. We did not even have much time to remove our make up or bathe, as we were all packing and rushing to take our late night bus back to KL. Chinese medicine selectives classes waiting for me at 8am! It was crazy, really crazy. We left Johor at 1am, only to reach KL at about 6am. I was pretty exhausted by then, but I managed to haul my luggage and all back to Vista, remove my make-up, bathe, and get ready for classes, while other competitors get to stay home and sleep in... Hmm, price to pay for being a med-student I guess! We never really get much chance to rest! But it was all worth it, I would say. =)

One good thing about Johor comp is that dinner was provided! Yummm don't you just love an 8-course meal after a tiring day? Haha!

Table mates! =P

Epilogue
(credits to Stephen and all the other photographers whom I took the photos from! You know who you are!)
I think I'm gonna miss the competition scenes. Joining competitions under WLD is awesome, the great company, the fun we had together, the unity and cheering for each other, the learning and growing together... it's all parts and parcel of what makes the competition experiences great. And the DANCE, the smooth polished floors, the ballrooms, the lights, the photo-takings, the audience, the shimmering costumes... all these memories will be etched into my mind forever and always. I know that I will always love dancing, no matter where I go and what I do. I remember every word Uncle William told me after the prize-giving ceremony of Johor comp. He told me:" Whatever you do, please promise me not to give up dancing!" He said I was improving and getting better, and it would be a waste to stop dancing. I'll surely take these words to my heart, and yes, I will continue to dance. I certainly will! =)

I promise this will not be my last competition!

Till then!!! I'll leave you with,

Life is just so wonderful when there is DANCE!!!!!!!!! 

Dance Diary Part 13 - Of abs and tan... and being the black sheep... =(

Singapore/Johor comp is looming ahead. Only 4 more days to go. Think I am pretty doomed this time... =(
For one, I only just learnt my steps for the 3 dances that I joined (Rumba, Cha Cha and Samba) about a week ago. And I only attended 1 lesson plus 3 drillings before I MIA-ed back to Ipoh again. And now that I am back in KL, there are only 2 more drilling sessions to go before the BIG DAY.

*Gotta buck up supersonic speed, gal!!! These are international competitions, battle's gonna be TOUGH out there! Somemore it's Open category this time, no longer Beginners! 

Even in my studio alone, among the other competitors of my category, I am pretty much... the black sheep. The lousier oldest one. =( Especially my Samba, in the previous few drillings, I even had a hard time remembering the steps for the pretty-complicated routine. Teacher Merle was telling me, gal your Samba is below standard, gotta work it up!!! *opps =( =( =(*

Anyway gonna practice REAL HARD this week. One good thing is that it is still sem break and rotations are over, so minus the academic burden to worry about, I can focus more on my dance I hope. This might gonna be my last competition this year, since sem 5's gonna be darn hectic and all... and then it's those visa and PMS and flying overseas to continue my phase 2... I can't see any time in near future where I could slot in another competition, much as I wanted to. =( Sigh... guess I just gotta make the BEST out of this coming Johor/Singapore comp. It's gonna mean a lot to me. Gonna last me through the remaining of this year, at least. I gotta practice hard, and dance my best for the judges, teachers and audience. I hope I ain't gonna let anyone down, even though by the rate I am going now, I might already had. Sorry dear teachers, I will work hard even though time is sparse... gonna try my best and have no regrets! =)

On a side note, I had actually become pretty tanned lately; due to all the swimming and occasional runs walks. Kinda a good thing, at least my face will not look so obviously blackened by the caramel foundation like it did last time during my first competition! (I still remember my tanned-made-up face contrasting with my fair skin on my body... it was TERRIBLE! ishhh) I've come to learn to pre-tan myself after that. teehee... And am trying to build some abs too, by dancing and swimming. Gotta keep a real good bod to pull off my a-little-too-revealing costume. Any flabs or fat is gonna be very much visible as there is not much cloth to hide behind. Sigh... bad choice of costume. (next costume I make, it's certainly gonna have MORE CLOTH, and possibly some drapes... I love flowy ones... =P)


Signing off to bed... long week ahead!!! I'll leave you with,

Riccardo Cocci and Yulia Zagoruychenko Jive @ WSSDF 2010

Yulia, my inspiration, forever and always. *heart* She never fails to remind me the reason that I dance; and if ever I were on the verge of giving up on dancing when times were difficult, it is her who could always reignite my passion.

Know what does my heart secretly wish?

One day, I wanna be a great dancer like Yulia Zagoruychenko... =)

Or am I only dreaming?

I guess I was dreaming. For when I opened my eyes, you were gone... What made me think that you will come back to me? Had I really slept this long?
Guess it's time for me to wake up already.

If only...

I wanted to tell myself that one day everything will go back to what it was like. When it was just you and me. Your touch, your scent, your words, your lips, your eyes... Is there any chance there is? Why am I still waiting, after this long? Long gone promises are lying in the crypts, buried deep. How much chance do I stand? Why am I so stubborn when it comes to you?


I thought I smelled your scent yesterday. It was so familiar, it almost made me cry. It had been so long. I look around now, but I can't figure out where it come from. You weren't here, were you? It was just a dream, no? I was just there all alone, no?

No?

I could've loved you with all my heart if you would've let me. 

Dance Diary Part 12 - 8th National Ballroom Dancing Championship 2011

Status: Completed. 

My FIRST SOLO competition. It felt sooooo different, being out on the dancefloor alone. It was as if all eyes were on you, judging you, noticing every little move (and mistake) that you made... Especially when dancing in the finals, it was only down to 6 people on the floor, and THAT was downright scary. No kidding. 

Okay, let me back up a little. The competition was held on the 12th of June at Penang Bayview Beach Resort, the very same place that I went for my first competition last November. Very nostalgic, if you would ask me. But then again, it was a good thing to be familiar with the place, at least I know my way around, and I kinda could imagine how the competition would look like, the dancefloor and all... 

But then again, it was still a whole new experience in a whole new way. For one, the people going with me this time were pretty different. There were many new people, new friends and all.
And then it was the category that I joined, Solo Beginner. SOLO & PARTNERLESS. T___T
And then it was the dance that I were to do this time. Cha Cha and Jive. The 2 dances I am not really familiar with. Even during drilling, I had a pretty hard time improving my Jive. Somemore kena scolded many times by Uncle William and Aunty Merle! =( I remember 2 weeks before the competition, Uncle William was so frustrated when teaching me the Jive techniques that he fumed at me :" I don't even know why you want to join competition lar, dancing like this!!!"... =( =( =(

But somehow criticism pushed me to work even harder in my dance. I did practice really hard, allocating at least 2 hours per day dancing at IMU dance room, and that did not include the everyday drilling sessions at WLD. And I was glad I did that. I'm glad I didn't give up on myself even when everyone else seems to have no high hopes in me. For hard work did pay off as I managed to make my way through to the finals! As they recalled dancers from Heats to Semi-Finals and then Finals... it was almost exhilarating to see my number on the board each time. 

And there was even some problem in our category that made us had to re-dance the finals. According to the organizers  our Jive routine consists of some out-of-syllabus steps, and so Aunty Merle had to pull us aside and re-choreograph our routine on the spot, and then we went for the re-dance... >.<

And after all the hassle and mess, we got the results, and I got 6th placing!!! =) I kinda expected that, since my techniques were seriously lacking and I am so nervous till I might even be out-timing at times. But still, at least I got a placing!!! And it was already kinda what I expected! Especially when there were many other studio mates of mine who joined my category, and during drillings, they seems to be much better than me. I thought I'd maybe survived till semi-finals and get eliminated by my own studio-mates... it will be as far as I go and I'll be satisfied already. =P

Guess I'm pretty lucky this time. But then this gave me more motivation to try and do better for the next competition. And I was happy when Uncle William said to me after the competition that I actually improved a little, and Aunty Luisa also told me this is a good start and encouraged me to work harder and get better placing next time. Dear teachers, I will surely try to improve! Thanks for all your teaching and guidance this long, I love you all!   

My cert... No medals though... T__T Next time I'll try to get medals... that's my dream!

Some of my studio-mates who joined the same category as me 

My beloved teacher , Uncle William and I

My AWESOME technique class teacher, Aunty Luisa and I

Choon Wei the joker who graduated from IMU

Onn Rei gor gor... =)

Young Nisha with her charming-enough-to-kill eyes...O.O

And I met my sifu from Ipoh too!!! She was also one of the judges for the competition... It had been awhile since I had seen her. I'm glad to be able to catch her during a competition break and talked to her awhile and take photos! =) She brought along a few of my friends too for this competition, and I managed to catch up with them too after my event ended... =)

My former Sifu from Ipoh, Alice Hor

Sifu's husband, we call him JJ sifu =P

Somehow I ended up being in a group photo with my former teacher and my present teacher... AWESOME. =)

Till the next time!!! Sure wish there will be a next time! =)

Dance Diary Part 11 --- Dancing Alone

Yet again.

Partner wasn't free, wasn't interested, wasn't even dancing anymore these days... Guess he's been really busy, coping with life and exams and all. =( I don't blame him actually. In fact, I didn't even mention to him about this coming competition. For after knowing him this long, I had came to learn that he has his reasons. Part of them which I kinda know of; part of them might remain a secret he wouldn't have told me... But anyway, as a partner as well as a friend, I gotta learn to support him in his decisions. The girl I was last time would've been angry, would've threw a tantrum, would've even cried... but yet at one unknown point of time, I had learnt to leave that childish self behind. I might be sad, but after awhile, it wasn't so overwhelming anymore.


And so I am learning to make it on my own while he is away.. =(


And in that, standing up to face a new challenge in life --- dancing solo. I had only joined one competition before, and had been used to having a partner around; one whom I can hang onto for encouragements, support, courage, push-pulls, counting beats... even an arm or a shoulder to stabilize myself when we are out dancing on the floor. It was awesome, to know that there is always someone there by your side who got your back.

And yet, now it's all down to myself to save my own neck out there.

Moreover, it is going to be Cha Cha and Jive!!! The two fast-paced dances that I suck most at. To think about it, I barely even learnt any Jive before. For the millionth time I am wondering out loud, why oh why couldn't it be Rhumba Samba instead?!! Even Paso sounds better than Jive! Sigh...

Neways, guess I'll take this as a calling for me to learn some new dance styles and improve on what I am weak on. Afterall, I can't be dwelling in my comfort zone forever, or hiding in the shadows of a partner! I gotta be able to stand on my own two feet first, before I can shine for myself, as well as my partner.
Hence... lemme quote Barney Stintson --- Challenge Accepted! =)

I shall train hard, and see where it takes me. I might suck now, I might still be lousy by the time of the competition... but one thing I know, I will not suck forever if I did always try my best to improve.. One day, I could be good too. =)

P/S: Partner, will you ever come back? ='(

Have you forgotten your Angel...?

Angel I hear you, speak I listen, stay by my side, guide me; Angel my soul was weak, forgive me, enter at last, Master...

Choir was MUCHO fun! Even performed once, and it was an amazing experience. Moreover, it was "Phantom of The Opera" medley! My all time favorite songs... =)

I kinda miss singing Phantom...

Lately life had begun to speed up, much to my dismay. (time pass more quickly = summatives coming sooner) These days I had start to realize the fact that I am leaving IMU pretty soon. Just a few more months here; yet it seemed like just yesterday I was a noobie junior at orientation!!! Sigh... I'm starting to sound like some nostalgic old woman, please bear with me. But you see, much as I am excited about PMS, going abroad and all, it made me a trifle sad that I am leaving this place that I had grown so familiar with over the past years.

And the people too. You, you and you...

  

Had officially passed dance club down to the 'younger generation'. Guess it really is time for me to move on to the next chapter in life. Only hope is that in the next chapter, there will still be DANCE in it!!! =)

It was nice dancing with you guys... Those memories will stay en mi corazón forever. 

You'll know it when there is this someone who is always there for you, to protect you, and to guide you. They call it Guardian Angel.
See, I am sending an angel before you, to guard you on the way and bring you to the place I have prepared.  --  Exodus 23:20
Wonderful thought. I wonder who is my Guardian Angel?

And you,

have you forgotten your Angel...? =(

The walk was nice. Felt something like the way it used to be. How long had it been? I had really missed it. Gimme one wish and I would wish to have one day of the life as it was, back then. I knew I was happy.

Would be a nice ending, even to the saddest story.  

And as the story goes, 














I'll always be your Angel...

You are Special... =)

It always intrigues me how different people can be. Funny how could it be when we are all creations of the same Maker? When I was younger I would wonder; Lord, why is it that You make everyone of us different? Ain't there be disagreements? Ain't there be misunderstandings? Ain't there be war?...

As I grow older, I meet people, and I've come to realize, that in every unique individual we meet, there is something worth learning from them. The people you meet in your life, they make a mark on you somehow or rather, even if you might not notice it. 

I've long learnt not to be judgmental. For me, I never give anyone 'death penalties', instead, I always try my best to give everyone second chances. For I always believe that people CAN change. No doubt they have the ability to. It's often just a matter of will. 

Human minds are such wonderful creations. Our brains consist of the same primary structures, and yet, the mindset and thinkings that we develop later in life can be so contradicting with each other at times. I used to have this weird habit of asking people random questions to ponder upon. Questions about love, life, friendship, God, family... and almost everything. And the feedbacks that I get are always wonderfully insightful. There are the ones that speaks my mind spot on, and yet there are many that contradicts my thinking and beliefs, sometimes way off my tracks and boundaries. Fortunately, I could say that I am one who is pretty much open-minded. Hence for those who oppose my line of thoughts, I welcome them just as well, and I respect their thoughts just as much. I might or might not be affected by these surge of new inputs, but I always view them as a good thing. Opens up a lot of new perspectives, you see. Sort of widens my horizon, broadens my meek narrow mind. There is never too much to see, learn and experience... 

Which might explain why I love collecting quotes. I used to have this 'quote book' in which I jot down all the nice quotes that I came across; in the Bible, in the books I read, in the movies I watched, or even from the people I meet. Keeping a quote, it's like keeping a piece of someone's mind. You will ponder over how that quote came to be expressed, you will smile at it's relatedness, you will shudder at it's truthfulness... And many a time, when I came across a quote, there will be this certain someone on my mind. And so I will share with them, these essence of  man and literature. Because I am one who always believe that we should be more expressive of ourselves, and it's literally unhealthy to keep thoughts to oneself. 

I wish to be a psychiatrist. A counselor. A psychology consultant... reading and analyzing minds, helping people in the going. The anatomy of a human's mind, is far greater than that of a human body. So much yet to explore and understand and learn...!   

And still again, you are SPECIAL. =)

Do you know that you still haunt my dreams at night?

"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart." ~ Nicholas Sparks (Nights in Rodanthe)

Sem 4 so far is pretty relaxing, too empty, even. But days were unproductive, except for the dancing. And much as I enjoy slacking, I don't like unproductive days. *Buck up gal, in your dance and in your studies. At least, DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL than to waste your days and weeks away!!! =(

I really should get myself going. I need to do better in my academics. I need to get better results in my next dance exam. (Big dreams, but I REALLY WANT to get Honours!!!) 

Dance Night coming up, gotta make sure things flow well for the night. Gotta make sure my probably last latin performance in IMU can be something memorable. Gotta make sure Dance Club is in good hands before I step down...

Prom is coming very soon too. I am not that hyped, not sure why. But then again, it's a once in a lifetime thing, I must make it there somehow. Wish it would be an enjoyable night, afterall. =)

My heart is not with me these days. I guess it's still with you, afterall. =( Broken and shattered, under your merciless feet... 

Maybe one day, I shall wake up from all the dreams that once haunted me. I shall wake, and see the dawn of a new day... =)






*so wanna read this book!!!*

And I miss you now...

How long had it been?
Since I last saw you.
I find I could not seem to recall your face as easily as I once did.

And your smell, your presence, your touch....

Fading steadily away...
I tried to close my eyes, tried to grasp hold of the frail memories of you...

but all is gone. Like shadow, like smoke. 

Was it all a dream?
Your smile, your warmth, your hold...

If it were, how I wish I could've never woke up...

Fading...
Your touch that once lingered on my skin.
Fading...
Your warm breath down my neck.
Fading...
The tingles you once sent down my body.

My hands,

don't wanna start again,

My hands,

no they don't wanna understand,

My hands,

they just shake it try to break whatever piece I may find... 

They just couldn't bring back to me the same feelings you once filled me with...
They couldn't even warm me in these cold nights as you always could...

I guess they just weren't the same as...

your hands.

*******
So fast I had climbed back up, just to fall into another pit-hole again. What was I thinking?!!

My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea,

You touched me once and it's really something,

You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be...

I used to be much cooler than this. But why oh why do I always lose my cool when I'm with you?

I'm on my guard for the rest of the world,

But with you, I know it's no good... 

And I had promised never to fall again! Sigh... My bad...

But guess I am one who'd rather hurt than to be heartless...

Dummy me. =(

*******
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to undo some things.
Like words that I said... or should have said.
Like things that I did... Or did not do.

I should've studied harder.
I should've said something when that happened.
I should've hugged you and never let go.
I should've stopped you.
I should've stopped myself.
I should've the right mind to not keep loving you.
I should've cared less.
I should've paid more attention in lectures.
I should've worked harder in my dance.
I should've known my timing better.
I should've realized earlier.
I should've bought better shoes.
I should've read you better.
I should've listened to my friends.

I should've told you, I actually do love you... 

Too much that I regret of. If only I could go back and set it all right again... Would things have been different?



*******
Watched Penang International Dancing Championship 2010 on TV the other day.
Realized just how much I missed those times.

And I still do.

I miss dancing like we did before.
I miss learning and learning and LEARNING.
I miss the overloading knowledge. 
I miss trying to improve and impress.
I miss drillings.
I miss hanging out with danceworld family.
I miss the aching muscles, bruised toes, sweaty hands... but happy smiles.

I miss technique class and bronze class as they were like before.


*******
Sometimes, it felt like ages since my last real dance with you...

These days,I wonder if my Rumba will ever be the same again? =(

And I miss you now...

How I wish to go back to November again...

轻与重

轻，

是浮云般轻

是毛羽般轻；

生命所不能承受的轻。 

重，

是沉重之重

是沉痛之痛；

心灵所无法承受之重。 

我心

承载不了你的轻；

你心

负荷不了我的重。

所以都沉了，

碎了，

没了……

不复回。 

One step at a time...

Too old,
we are for Disneyland,
Peter Pan will never knock on your window;
Too much,

of fairy tales,

Story-time is long over;
Too fast,

you took your little toy train,

rode it like a roller-coaster.

Didn't your mama ever tell you not to speed? 

But you took it 170 on the highways,

Just remember how to hit the brakes,

If you crash it'll gonna be painful,

I'll pray that no hearts will break.

One step at a time, take it slow,
Take your time look at the sights below,
You wish me to disappear but I gotta tell you what I know,
Wood last longer if you burn it slow;
And if you ever crash and burn,
I would hate to say this, but... I told you so,
I told you so...

Too old,
we are for the playground,
you tried the monkey bar but your feet touched the ground;
Too much,
of unknown in our future,
that we are yet to discover;
Too fast,
your embers caught the wood,
licked up the whole forest.

Din't your teacher tell you not to run in the corridors?
But you took it full speed down the rocky lane,
Just remember how to slow your pace,
If you fall it's gonna be painful,
I'll pray that no hearts be hurt.

Once again, take it slow,

Take your time look at the sights below,

You wish me to disappear but I gotta tell you what I know,

Wood last longer if you burn it slow;

And if you ever crash and burn,

I would hate to say this, but...

For the last time, take it slow,
Take your time look at the sights below,
You wish me to disappear but I gotta tell you what I know,
For I don't wanna see you cry,
And if you still crash and burn,
I will feel sorry for you, but I told you so,
I told you so...

Kay Kay Beeee!!!

Wasn't as bad as I expected. In fact, it was pretty FUN. Well, it wasn't perfect, wasn't wonderful; but then I would let them off and focus on the great things instead. *even the ridiculous scoldings we got every single day from nurse rita...? No!* =.=

Like the company maybe. Had a pretty good time with my roommates. 6 girls in a hostel room meant for 8 person. Not too crowded. We had real fun on the first night, playing a self created game which compromised of some drinking game + Truth or Dare... it was fun, really a wonderful ICEBREAKER!!! With lots of laughter, and a sore back (due to a limbo punishment in the end)... lolx... [Pity the guys who got our prank calls though...]

our room at the nursing hostel 

Hospital rotations were great too (apart from the constant presence of THE NOTORIOUS nurse rita) Seriously she is EVERYWHERE! (Even at the oddest hour, in the deepest heart of the Wad Bersalin where we were behind heavily-drawn curtains watching the nurses measure a dilation...) >.<
It was really a true-blue hospital setting, and it was kinda over-whelming for all of us at times. There were so many new things to be experienced and learnt, so many different cases, so many out-of-textbook cases we were yet to be exposed to... And many a time, we felt so small and humble by the fact that there are just so much medical knowledge that we don't know still.

So much I learnt, but the most significant, was to have more empathy to patients. It comes pretty naturally though, I would say. It was impossible not to empathize them when it comes down to really seeing them, talking to them, and getting their full history and all. (maybe a little TOO MUCH of empathy for our own good T__T)

And for the first time ever, I did really feel the desire to help them. It's not like in the past when people ask you, why do you want to be a doctor? You will tell them the standard answer, because I want to save lives and help people; whereas deep down you might not even mean what you were saying. This time around, my heart was the one saying that. And it was so unbelievable that it surprised me. I never was one who has the passion for being a doctor, saving lives and all, but now, maybe, just maybe... I had actually started to like this job a little? Maybe I'm learning. Maybe I'm changing. Whatever it is, I'm embracing it! ^__^

Initially I thought I was going to suffer there, but apparently I did not. Even the absence of internet (my drug) was bearable. Even the cold water baths at night I found refreshing. Even the unknown bugs flying around and biting me were forgiven. Even the dirty, hard bunk bed provided me with great nights of sleep. And the food there were NICE, I have to admit.

In fact, it awakened the carefree young village girl in me, one that was long forgotten and hidden among the layers of growing up. It was like I was transported back to the days when I was that little girl, living in that little village I was so fond of. To the life I had before I moved to Ipoh. Those childhood days where I never knew what was the internet, where I take cold water baths from wells, where I catch bugs and tadpoles, and run around barefooted, catching fishes in paddy field, watching stars and chasing the moon at night.
And I realized that even though I had long since moved on, I do miss those days sometimes... =(


Too much of nostalgic crap here, time to stop. =)

KKB, a nice learning experience, leaving me with much to ponder upon... 
Kinda helped me find myself again. 
I think sometimes we do need quiet isolation as such, so that we can finally get to listen to that little voice from deep inside our hearts...  

Dance Diary Part 10 --- My First Competition!!!

It was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. in capital letters! That was how I felt every single moment of it... ^___^

It was indescribable, unbelievable, almost a miracle. It was A DREAM COME TRUE! How wonderful. 

And still, now long after, my heart still flips in excitement when I think of it. Seriously.

Well, to say that I was not nervous at all, that'll be a lie. I had never been to a competition before, only exception was the KLDA one where I was working as a floor-runner. But even that time, I didn't really get to watch the dances because I had to arrange prizes and collect score-sheets ever so often. Hence, I had NO IDEA about many things. Even from the make-up & hair-styling, to how am I going to enter the dancefloor. And not-knowing did make me a little nervous. But I was blessed to have made many wonderful friends there, my 'danceworld family' as we all call it. They were lovely people, and I just have to thank them one by one for all their help and guidances throughout. Not only that, but also for all the fun we had together, and for making my Penang competition trip such a memorable one!!! Cheerio amigos! =)

And did I tell you? I met my beloved Sifu there! On that day as a judge, judging my category somemore. Ishh... somemore just at the moment I was off timing during Rumba semi-finals, my partner told me that she was practically STARING AT ME... OMIGOSH...!!! *cries*
Anyway, on the 1st night before the comp too I met her, at the lobby. And she was pretty as ever. Talked to her awhile, promised her to catch up with her when I am back in Ipoh, and gave her a big hug before saying goodbye. Truth is, I do miss her a lot. Glad that she seems fine! =)

1st day by the beach. Me and my roommates + Shi Teng who was staying with her family.

Me and Kathy

The abundant supply of food our whole room brought to Penang! =)

2nd day-- during competition day event... after our beginners' category was over

I seem to look tanned here, and I love it! =)

Cam-whoring in our room after the competition was over

All the pretty babes of Room 235 in sizzling hot latin costumes!!! ^______^

Here goes my acknowledgements: (lolx)

I would like to thank my wonderful roommates Kathy and Wai Ling for giving me a make-up tutorial the night before the competition. And also to Kathy for borrowing me her blue nail-polish.

I would like to thank Pui Yan for helping me with my lipstick and my hair.

I would like to thank Shi Teng for helping me apply my fake eyelashes and blusher.

I would like to thank Dana for borrowing me her brush.

Wouldn't have done it all without them. I'm a TOTAL NOOB at make-up and hair-styling. Argh... gotta learn next time!!!

And also,

I would like to thank Chloe Gan for the tips and advices for the competition.

I would like to thank Stephen for helping us take photos.  

I would like to thank Gary for providing us with food food and MORE FOOD!!! =)

And thanks to everyone else for the words of encouragement and the warm wishes!!! Love you all!!!

Not to forget my amazing instructors; Uncle William, Aunty Luisa, and Aunty Merle. Great teachers they are, taught us so much through this competition. Cherish their patience and passion. I'm just so sorry we didn't have more time to practice and be better than this, and that we must have dissapointed them... T__T 

I promise we'll work harder, and do better next time!!! 

Last but not least, ahem, my beloved dance partner, Cavin!!! (well, I am so not used to addressing him as beloved since we used to bicker most of the time, but then well yea, deep down, I do love him a lot! *as a friend lar, what you think?!! lolx...* ) Afterall, he is THE ONE WHO MADE MY DREAM COME TRUE!!! ^___^ For this reason alone, he deserves my wholehearted gratitude. He wouldn't know how much this means to me! =)

And this whole experience wouldn't have been complete without him. Brilliant guy he is. A way faster learner than me; I am amazed!!! There are so much for me that I could learn from him. I'm so blessed to have met him. Really.

Me and my partner Cavin

Nope, we didn't win. (mann, if we did, I would've slept hugging my medal for months!!! lolx...) We went through to semi -finals for Rumba (which made us really happy for we didn't expect to go any further than heats!) but for Samba we were out just after heats (from the feedback, it was due to lousy floor strategy, started too much to the corner, out timing in the beginning somemore... sorry!!!) 

Nevertheless, the entire experience itself was priceless. So many things I'd experienced throughout the competition. Everything was so new to me and my partner, that very often, we were amazed even by the smallest things; like young children exploring the world for the first time. It was indeed, an EYE-OPENER for both of us. And we enjoyed all of it, greedily and eagerly taking in every single detail, not wanting to miss even the slightest moment.

So many great dancers there were! And we can't help but to feel so lucky to be in Malaysia's biggest competition, to get to witness all of these. We watched, we cheered. For the young and for the old. For all were good. ^____^

After competition. Danceworld family photo!!!

Sadly as I do not own a camera, not many pictures were taken. But then again... every single scene and sight are already imprinted in my heart. =)

Dinner outing after competition

3rd day --- CRAZY FUN BY THE BEACH!!!
We played beach volleyball, raced each other, tried to throw each other into the water, buried PuiYan in sand, swam in the pool... it was a wonderful time! Great bonding too! =)

The danceworld hot babes hitting the beach!

Thank you, dear Father. For all these. I knew You had plans, and that You ALWAYS give me the BEST plans ever!!! Thank you, thank you so much dear Lord... You know how much this means for me. I couldn't thank you enough for all the blessings You've granted me. So I can only promise you dear Father, to try and do my very best to glorify your name. Now and forever, counting my blessings and giving you thanks... Amen, Father. I love you.   

Gotta get going, mountain-pile of notes are awaiting. EOS 3 is beckoning. I've got no time to waste if I still want to survive past sem 3. Sigh... reality, reality. I've come to learn, you always have to wake up eventually... T____T

Till the next year, 18th Penang Championships! *I do so hope I could make it there then!*

In the meantime, what is the pathogenesis of Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome?

p/s: credits to Shi Teng, Pui Yan, Kathy, Seah & Yoong Ruey for the photos! =)