One Voice

Been pretty long I hadn't read the news. And as I flipped through a copy of NST in the lounge today, it is still as depressing as newspapers used to be. How many happy faces could you count in the papers? Maybe none except those of the celebrities on the entertainment section...

Political squabbles still going on; along with backstabbing and verbal wars. People killing and people dying--- Man found mutilated... Police seek 6 men in rape case... Boy drowns, another missing... Pilgrimage centres turn into sex hubs... scandal-tainted chief detective replaced...


It's too distressing to continue reading anymore. It reminds me of a line out of Billy Gilman's song - "And mum won't watch the news at night, there is too much stuff that's making her cry..."

Sometimes I wonder what had become of the world now.
We are seriously in need of salvation, O merciful Lord... A thousand prayers, a million words, will this one voice be heard?


It's raining outside. And I wish you a safe journey home. I wish I could go home too. It's been so long since I went back, and seriously I miss home. Guess I need to take a break and go home, just to rest and refresh my mind. Take a break, from all the weariness of life here. From all that weighs me down for all this time. And again, there's really no place like home...

The day before, I went out to some shopping mall. While queuing up to buy food, I had the time to observe the people around me. There was this scene I just couldn't erase from my mind: A richly dressed couple and a young boy came out of a toy shop, the boy happily holding a plastic bag containing a large Transformer toy. Not far from them, there was another boy, maybe a year or two older than him, staring admiringly back and forth from the shop to the kid with the new toy, before his mother came and hurried him away. He obeyed in silence, strange enough for a longing kid in front of a shop full of tempting toys. Judging from the way they dressed, I guess they were not really well off. What that I could never forget was the look on the boy's face when he took a last glance back again, as he was dragged off. There was something in his eyes that struck me hard, the sad disappointment and helpless understanding.

It brought me back to when I was young, and there was this big expensive toy dog in a shop window, one that I had always wanted but my parents wouldn't afford to buy. And one day I went to a classmate's house, and she has an exact same one, sitting on her big big bed.


It was those times that you couldn't help feeling sad and frustrated with the life that you had.

Some kids have and some kids don't, and some of us are wondering why...


Over the years, while tasting the bitterness of poverty, I had learnt to get used to lots of circumstances of not having what other kids have. But as learning goes, it was not always that easy. There were times when my parents had to give me a good spank to stop me from demanding. And over the course of time, I learnt to keep my mouth shut, and all my feelings to myself. Now that I think of it, I wonder if it was a good way for a child to grow. But still, I'm not going to complain of who I am made into today. At least, those were some experience not other kids could have.

And this time around, I've got something that they don't.


What's more, I learnt to appreciate and give thanks for every little thing that I have in life, maybe much more than them. For every little thing, I see them as a great blessing from God.

And indeed, I'll feel blessed.

Day 15 - Lord, You Amaze Me...

It had always been my childhood dream to be able to play piano. I remember when I was five or six, my dad had this Richard Clayderman’s album that he used to play every evening on the stereo. I will wake up from my afternoon nap to sit by his side, silently in awe of the beauty of the music. “Chariots of Fire” was one of my favorites. And for long enough, I had wished and wished to be able to play like that one day. But sadly for all these years, much as the dream still stays alive in me, circumstances fail me.

For one, I grew up in a small village in Perak. At that time, there were no academies or teachers whatsoever to offer piano lessons. Maybe there were, but I guess not at an affordable price. You see, my family wasn’t pretty well-off then; piano lessons were just too much a splurge. And getting the piano itself posed a bigger problem. How could I ever ask my dad to get me a piano which costs at least a few thousands, gosh, that’ll be almost half a year worth of his salary! The last thing I wanted was for our entire family to be eating grass by the piano set.

So instead, my childhood years were spent running among paddy fields, climbing trees, rolling and falling down in the mud, catching tadpoles... typical lifestyle of a country kid. Not that I regretted living my childhood years the way I did. I did have lots and lots of great times. It was all still, some experience I wouldn't want to trade for anything else in the world.

Just that sometimes, when everyone else around me were grade 8 pianists, degree violinists, experienced gymnasts, ballet dancers... I'll wish that I could have been more productive. What am I? Professional tree-climber? You'll be laughing at me.

So I was, still waiting for chances to come; by then which I was twelve and moved to Ipoh. Ipoh was so much different, so many more chances, it had everything I wanted. Happily I approached my parents to send me to piano classes. But God always has His way of telling me subtly that my chance wasn’t to come just yet. The same old reasons, too expensive, and another new reason, I had to focus on my studies. They kept telling me I was too old to learn, and dejectedly, I didn't press on the topic ever again. Truth is, when my parents said no, they meant it.

It was after SPM in 2006 that I dared to voice my wish again. This time around, my parents finally agreed. Seriously I was overjoyed, but disappointment followed soon after. The schools rejected me. Apparently they said I was too old (wth…), and they said I had to have constant lessons and practices, which I couldn’t fulfill, since I would be leaving for my college in Shah Alam two months after. I had no choice really, but to abandon my dream for the third time.

I was sad and dejected, but God was good to me. One night I had this intriguing dream. In my dream I was in a vast space, something that resembled an open air warehouse, but with smooth white floorings. In the distance, there was a silhouette of a girl, playing gracefully on a piano. The melody was so beautiful, as if in a trance, I started walking towards her. But strangely, no matter how long I walked, the distance never got any nearer. In the end, I grew tired and fell to my knees, weeping softly. Then I heard His soothing voice telling me:” Do not distress, girl, for I have greater plans for you. Remember to be patient, and you’ll see light at the end of every darkness. Come to me now, and I will guide your way…” I turned around and saw my reflection on a big mirror that appeared out of nowhere. The last thing I saw before I woke up, was my own smile reflected there on the mirror.

It was not long after when I stumbled upon my first dance lesson. It all happened when one day, a friend and I suddenly came up with the topic on activities to fill up our time; and she casually mentioned that she had actually attended latin dance classes at one of the studios nearby when she was younger, but she quit about 2 months later. It was then when a light struck on me. Why had this never crossed my mind before, for all these time? Truth is, I had always loved dancing too. I used to love watching dance performances and being in dance performances throughout my life. I guess I was too obssessed with learning piano than to think about anything else all along.

Latin dance, well, it sounds interesting! Why not give it a try? With only a vague idea of what latin dance is, I phoned up the studio, (asking lots of stupid questions) and enrolled myself in the beginner's cha cha class. I fumbled my way to the studio, up the stairs, and all through the registration procedures; still pretty doubtful if I made the right choice to come, especially when this decision wasn't in my parent's consent in the first place. But God cleared all my doubts, for the moment I started learning my first chasse, I fell deeply in love with it. Somehow I knew it was His plan for me. And seriously, I couldn't have been more grateful to Him for it. For after all the waitings, the dissapointments, fallen hopes and dreams; I finally found what I had always wanted, although it wasn't any of my initial plan. But His plans for me is even better than the ones I had for myself. Praise the Lord!

Neways, deep down, there's still this silent desire of at least, knowing how to play the piano. But this time around, I learnt to wait patiently for my chance to come. I believe that He will send me a signal. Maybe one day, there'll be someone who comes along, patiently willing to teach me. Maybe one day, I might even learn how to play it all on my own. Who knows? Afterall, He has His amazing ways in everything. I just gotta have faith in Him.

Yes Lord, you never fail to amaze me.

Thank you Lord.

I love you Lord.

Day 9 - Letter To A Friend

It's still cold here. Inside and out. I don't know why it never leaves me, not since... I don't even remember when it was. But it certainly felt like ages ago.

There is no warmth. Even more since he left. And now I'm freezing, even with my thick cardigan on. Even with food and hot drinks. And I think I know why. I miss your warm smile. How long had I not seen it? Three weeks? Or maybe a month? Guess it had been long.

You see, in your smile, I can always find secureness, warmth and comfort.
When I was down, you smiled. And it lifted me up again.
When I cried, you smiled. And strangely enough, it eased my tears much better than words of comfort.
When I though I couldn't do it, you smiled. And it renewed my strength and confidence.


Yes. Your smile could always light up my day.
But you wouldn't know; and I never told you.



I just can't figure out why, but you sure seems to have changed, again. Over the years I'd known you, I saw your changes throughout, even when there used to be many months before we meet each other again. I was always your friend in distance and in silence, was never close, rarely hanged out with you. Sometimes I wonder if this could even be considered friendship. But regardless of whether you take me as your friend or not, you are still, always mine. =p

Always the silent observer;
but just so you know, if you were ever in need or in distress, I would always be there for you, always willing to offer you whatever mere help I am capable of giving.



These days, I wonder if you were bothered by any problems, but never dared to ask. You see, as much as I treasure you as a really nice friend, I am still, at times afraid of you. I don't know if it's because of your seriousness, your coldness, or the imbalance; or because of that unseen barrier between us or because there's just so much more of you that I don't understand yet... sometimes it's just so uneasy that I couldn't bring myself to look at you anymore.

There were times when you were just so cold, and I am just so afraid. Though deep down, I know that you are still the nice, caring individual that had helped me through so much. That was why many a time when I just sensed that something was bothering you, and though my heart was concerned, never did I dare to go any nearer to you. Sorry.

Instead, I just stayed in the distance, silently praying for you. For God to guide you in His light, for God to give you strength to pull through, for God to help you and settle all the worries in your heart, which ways I couldn't. For He can do much more than me. And you'll need Him much more than me.


Do take care. I hope everything's gonna be alright for you. And the next time I see you around here, I wish I can see your warm smile again...


Regards,
Christine

Day 3 - Breathe

Will be leaving for the hike in 16 hours time. Am pretty thrilled but nervous as well. But to be frank, I'm really looking forward to it... finally something that I might actually get to enjoy and get a break off everything that's weighing me down recently. And our illnesses are finally recovering. I know God had been good to us. Thank you Lord! I pray that He'll continue seeing everyone of us through...


May there be more of joy and less of tears from now on...
I'll update about the hike when I get back. Till then.

Leaving,
Christine

Day 1 - Barely Surviving

It sure as hell hurts. And I just couldn't act like it doesn't. Apparently, many a time, these stubborn tears tend to give me away. It's a good thing you didn't see them, for I looked away everytime you caught my eyes. Sorry if I might seem rude, I just wanted to hide my pathetic tear-filled eyes. Just hope you'll understand.


I'm sick. It's already been a week but I just didn't seem to recover, nor get any better. And the major hike is coming soon. Yes, I'm going to the hike. Think I need a good break, to get my mind off everything, to rest this wounded heart, and to... just breathe. Yeah, I need to breathe. And maybe... just maybe, even have some fun too. All these had been suffocating me for so long. Only 2 more days to go. I pray hard that I'll be fine by then. You too.


She kept asking me to go back to my unit, since I can't really study in the library either. But I couldn't find a reason to go back, not anymore. I'd prefer to stay in IMU, where it'll be less lonely with people around. At least I won't cry that much. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, waking up the next morning to put on the smile that is nothing more than a mask to me now. One which at times, could even be too much for this weary heart of mine to carry.


Sometimes I wonder, if I could ever really smile again; when happiness just seems so far away...


Deeply hurt,
Christine

For One More Day

Changes; circumstances. And the latter just wasn't convincing enough to help me cope. So much that had happened over the past month, and frankly, I still hadn't got past it all. I wonder if everything would still be the same as this if I hadn't went home that faithful night? Sometimes life is so much about choices; and I made my choice. For what you said was true, the way things are heading, sometimes it's just best to let go. So long had I been hanging on, so long had I been giving everything, just not giving up. So long had this heart of mine been forced to break, over and over again... I was tired. But there was a greater reason, I know I musn't hold you back from your journey if you've decided to move on, and most importantly, to seek God again.


So I let you go. It sure hurts like hell, but in a way, I'm glad. I'm glad that you actually willed to renew your relationship with Him, though you'll be ending yours with mine. I'm glad from now on, you'll review your priorities; to place Him above me, and above all else. Yes, for this time, I could actually comprehend. No longer the dummy I was, I guess you are going to be proud of me this time. ^_^


At times, I still wonder if my choice was right. I wonder if you were right, saying that I'll be better off without this. You see, now that everything's over; I'm still as weary as ever, if not wearier. I still didn't feel any better, if not worse. I don't break anymore, I'm shattered.


Truth is, it's never easy. Especially for one like me who always suck at saying goodbye. No longer could I count the tears that I shed, no longer could I count the times I had to run to the toilet or hide myself somewhere and cry. So forgive me if I had to get up and run away at times, for the last thing I wanted is for you to see my tears again.

At times I really don't know how long it would take for the tears to dry.
At times I really think that this could actually kill me.
At times I really think that I would just die and live no more...

Yes, there are always times like these.

Why oh why would I always feel so helpless?
Helpless, bounded by the threads of sorrow.
Helpless, no longer able to control the tears from falling.
Helpless, just because I felt helpless...


Sometimes, I just don't know if I could ever really smile again. I can go running & hiking with my friends, I can enjoy a dance or two with my partner, I can laugh at lame jokes you made... At times like these, I though I could actually lighten up, and maybe move on with life; but yet, the truth is, I still couldn't. There's this large hole you left in my heart, which could never seem to heal completely. Not with staying late in the library where I won't feel confined and alone. Not with drowning myself in all the work I can find. Not with studying but actually not digesting anything. Not with laughing, and playing with my friends. Not with dancing or singing or running or playing pool...

Maybe I need more time. Maybe I need more prayers. Maybe I need God's strength to make me stronger.

Father, I pray you'll see me through, just as you always did.

Father, you're my only hope, all that's left for me now.

Father, please help me survive this, at least, for every one more day...?

Hear the pleas of your child in despair, dear Father.
And... Amen.