Hurt

4th August 2010

It's a month into Sem 3. CVS is officially over. Moving on to Respi next week... Workload is suffocating. Such a wonder to think what merely a month could do to you! And it's even wonderful to think that Sem 3 would last for 7 months at least?!

It builds you or destroys you. Saves you or kills you.

Sem 3, don't kill me, please. I still have many unfinished wills. Have mercy, I beg thou.


It's an hour past midnight now. Today was downright tiring, but I still ain't sleeping. Lecture notes to catch up with. AIR topic untouched yet with deadline looming ahead.


Samba class today was nice. While it made me realize just how much I miss dancing, it made me realize too just how much I SUCK AT MY DANCE. My Samba was lousy, I know. By the way William laughs at me, I just knew that I'm merely a dissapointment to my Sifu.

Sifu, Sifu... It had only been a month, actually. But it sure felt like decades that I havent seen her already.

I miss her. I really do.
If only she knew.

And yet again, she was so far from me. So... distant, to put it in a better way. And no, it's not the problem with how many kilometers we are apart.

At times, I would wonder; if there were this one moment, that she truly loved me at all? Sometimes reminiscing the past, I thought there really were moments as such. The times she touched my hands, the times she looked into my eyes, the times she ran her hands over my hair... and even recently during her anniversary dinner, when she called me over to her side, wrapped her arm around my waist, and demanded the photographer to take a picture of us together...

It was times like those, when I would feel that she truly loved me as a student of hers, and not think of me as a passerby who comes and goes. Truth is, my heart was always there...


It broke my heart, the day Ah Nee Aunty said that I wasn't considered a student of my Sifu. Ouch. How much it hurts, to have the only teacher that you've known and loved telling you right in your face, that she had never considered you as her student.

But in this case, Sifu wasn't there, so I didn't know if that was what Sifu thought of me all this while, or was it merely Ah Nee Aunty's perception? I really really wanted to know what my Sifu truly thinks about me.


You see, nowadays, I just didn't dare to be so sure about anything anymore.

And it breaks my heart to think that love was merely my own perception, and that she never really did give a damn about me.


I wonder if I had ever hurt her in any way. I'm pretty sure I didn't.

But before I did even hurt her, she hurt me first.

She hurt me, by being so skeptical, expecting me to leave even when I am not going to. By doubting me, building walls to keep me away when all I ever did was loving her and trying hard to protect her feelings.


I didn't cry when I was seven and had my eye operation.

I didn't cry when I was ten and had a piece of my flesh cut out by the doctor to perform a skin test.

I didn't cry when I was fifteen and menstrual pain sent me rolling in my bed.

I didn't cry when I was nineteen and a metal rod was pierced right through my flesh and came out the other end.

But I cried the night after I heard what Ah Nee Aunty said.

I cried the first 3 times Sifu didn't pick up my call.

I cried merely at the thought of her dis-owning me, perhaps?

Call me a cry-baby. I cry, because I care. Cared so much.
Cared TOO MUCH, perhaps...


Will be going back this Thursday. I would so wish to see her.
Just to see how she was doing. Visit and talk, maybe yum cha? ^_^
The last time I managed to call her, she was sick. And I was worried. That was about 3 weeks ago? Should have recovered by now. Guess I'd better check on her.

Most of all, check to see if she is happy. With life, with everything. Just wanna make sure that no one, or nothing hurts her further. As long as she is happy, I'll be happy for her too.

Ohhh, and to tell her I love her! I guess everyone would be happy to be loved, right? ^___^

My own questions, maybe I could leave it till later? Or maybe I just wouldn't want to spoil her day. I had contemplated for so long, but everytime I see her, I could never bear to ask. Instead, I try my best to always cheer her up, because seeing her happy smile makes everything wothwhile I guess.

Because she is awesome.

She was and forever will be, my beloved Sifu;

the one who taught me everything I know now,

the one who believed in me even when the whole world didn't,

the one who fetched me to her studio when my parents refused to send me,

the one who made me laugh, made me cry, and made me grow along the way...

You were so right, I'm really a dummy, am I not? ^___^

But I'm happy enough as it is. That's all that matters I guess!