Ain't Where I Intended To Be

My blog seems deserted, sorry for not updating. There's been too much on my mind lately. Faced with a tough decision to make. Am too busy & too emo to blog anymore. But now I really had to spill it all out, or else I might gonna break. Really.

I should have been real happy to be spotted as a potential. I should be overjoyed to be asked by someone to be his partner to enter my long-dreamed-of Latin Dance Competitions. It's my dream, my lifelong dream. i fought for it, so long. And yet it never crossed my mind that, when the opportunity came, I did not jump at it as I always thought I would. There are these problems in the way, which brings me to this difficult situation as now. That somehow made me wish that nothing of this had ever happened to me, and i'm still that fighting young girl who still needs to work hard at her dance skills while juggling her studies, still needing to search for a partner, and still dreaming of competitions & dancefloors.

And yet, I cant change what that had happened. And now here I am, torn between decisions. I hate making decisions, especially decisions that demand sacrifice of one thing, or another. But here I am, forced to face it.

I could have entered the competition, but he who wanted me as his partner had a condition, that is to train under another teacher who is uh, better, and not our regular dance teacher.
And I never would bear to leave my dance teacher, or to hurt her by training under another teacher. I knew that this is a great opportunity for me who had always wanted a partner and to join comps, but somehow I can't bring myself to be so selfish. It will make me feel real bad.

She is indeed a nice teacher, and I do love her. Loved the pressureless way she teaches, it makes me enjoy every moment of the classes. I hadn't learnt from her for long at all, but somehow, she was the one who uh, moulded me. From a clumsy girl who cant even put a foot in front of the other and stay balanced, who can't even do a spin without losing directions; from the girl who broke the studio's record by being the first to step on the teacher's feet.......she made me what I am today.

I remember what a friend quoted for me: "Honour the hands that feed you and the arms that nursed you"...applicable? It makes sense.

And now, if I enter the competition but trained under the other teacher, I'm like betraying her? and it certainly breaks my heart. And yet, if I refuse this opportunity to enter the competition as well as the opportunity to improve my dance skills, it will break my heart as well. Either way, it is heart-breaking. As I treasure both my dream & my teacher a lot.

How, oh how am I gonna make a decision?

I never knew it could turn out like this. This isn't where I intended to be.

Isn't where I intended to be.

And now, time is running out, and I have to make a decision soon. What could I do?!

For the hundredth & thousandth time I pray, God, please free me of this torment of decision-making. Let me end it all with a decision that I will not regret. Console my troubled heartbeats these sleepless nights.
Amen.