Dance Diary Part 13 - Of abs and tan... and being the black sheep... =(

Singapore/Johor comp is looming ahead. Only 4 more days to go. Think I am pretty doomed this time... =(
For one, I only just learnt my steps for the 3 dances that I joined (Rumba, Cha Cha and Samba) about a week ago. And I only attended 1 lesson plus 3 drillings before I MIA-ed back to Ipoh again. And now that I am back in KL, there are only 2 more drilling sessions to go before the BIG DAY.

*Gotta buck up supersonic speed, gal!!! These are international competitions, battle's gonna be TOUGH out there! Somemore it's Open category this time, no longer Beginners! 

Even in my studio alone, among the other competitors of my category, I am pretty much... the black sheep. The lousier oldest one. =( Especially my Samba, in the previous few drillings, I even had a hard time remembering the steps for the pretty-complicated routine. Teacher Merle was telling me, gal your Samba is below standard, gotta work it up!!! *opps =( =( =(*

Anyway gonna practice REAL HARD this week. One good thing is that it is still sem break and rotations are over, so minus the academic burden to worry about, I can focus more on my dance I hope. This might gonna be my last competition this year, since sem 5's gonna be darn hectic and all... and then it's those visa and PMS and flying overseas to continue my phase 2... I can't see any time in near future where I could slot in another competition, much as I wanted to. =( Sigh... guess I just gotta make the BEST out of this coming Johor/Singapore comp. It's gonna mean a lot to me. Gonna last me through the remaining of this year, at least. I gotta practice hard, and dance my best for the judges, teachers and audience. I hope I ain't gonna let anyone down, even though by the rate I am going now, I might already had. Sorry dear teachers, I will work hard even though time is sparse... gonna try my best and have no regrets! =)

On a side note, I had actually become pretty tanned lately; due to all the swimming and occasional runs walks. Kinda a good thing, at least my face will not look so obviously blackened by the caramel foundation like it did last time during my first competition! (I still remember my tanned-made-up face contrasting with my fair skin on my body... it was TERRIBLE! ishhh) I've come to learn to pre-tan myself after that. teehee... And am trying to build some abs too, by dancing and swimming. Gotta keep a real good bod to pull off my a-little-too-revealing costume. Any flabs or fat is gonna be very much visible as there is not much cloth to hide behind. Sigh... bad choice of costume. (next costume I make, it's certainly gonna have MORE CLOTH, and possibly some drapes... I love flowy ones... =P)


Signing off to bed... long week ahead!!! I'll leave you with,

Riccardo Cocci and Yulia Zagoruychenko Jive @ WSSDF 2010

Yulia, my inspiration, forever and always. *heart* She never fails to remind me the reason that I dance; and if ever I were on the verge of giving up on dancing when times were difficult, it is her who could always reignite my passion.

Know what does my heart secretly wish?

One day, I wanna be a great dancer like Yulia Zagoruychenko... =)

Have you forgotten your Angel...?

Angel I hear you, speak I listen, stay by my side, guide me; Angel my soul was weak, forgive me, enter at last, Master...

Choir was MUCHO fun! Even performed once, and it was an amazing experience. Moreover, it was "Phantom of The Opera" medley! My all time favorite songs... =)

I kinda miss singing Phantom...

Lately life had begun to speed up, much to my dismay. (time pass more quickly = summatives coming sooner) These days I had start to realize the fact that I am leaving IMU pretty soon. Just a few more months here; yet it seemed like just yesterday I was a noobie junior at orientation!!! Sigh... I'm starting to sound like some nostalgic old woman, please bear with me. But you see, much as I am excited about PMS, going abroad and all, it made me a trifle sad that I am leaving this place that I had grown so familiar with over the past years.

And the people too. You, you and you...

  

Had officially passed dance club down to the 'younger generation'. Guess it really is time for me to move on to the next chapter in life. Only hope is that in the next chapter, there will still be DANCE in it!!! =)

It was nice dancing with you guys... Those memories will stay en mi corazón forever. 

You'll know it when there is this someone who is always there for you, to protect you, and to guide you. They call it Guardian Angel.
See, I am sending an angel before you, to guard you on the way and bring you to the place I have prepared.  --  Exodus 23:20
Wonderful thought. I wonder who is my Guardian Angel?

And you,

have you forgotten your Angel...? =(

The walk was nice. Felt something like the way it used to be. How long had it been? I had really missed it. Gimme one wish and I would wish to have one day of the life as it was, back then. I knew I was happy.

Would be a nice ending, even to the saddest story.  

And as the story goes, 














I'll always be your Angel...

Do you know that you still haunt my dreams at night?

"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart." ~ Nicholas Sparks (Nights in Rodanthe)

Sem 4 so far is pretty relaxing, too empty, even. But days were unproductive, except for the dancing. And much as I enjoy slacking, I don't like unproductive days. *Buck up gal, in your dance and in your studies. At least, DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL than to waste your days and weeks away!!! =(

I really should get myself going. I need to do better in my academics. I need to get better results in my next dance exam. (Big dreams, but I REALLY WANT to get Honours!!!) 

Dance Night coming up, gotta make sure things flow well for the night. Gotta make sure my probably last latin performance in IMU can be something memorable. Gotta make sure Dance Club is in good hands before I step down...

Prom is coming very soon too. I am not that hyped, not sure why. But then again, it's a once in a lifetime thing, I must make it there somehow. Wish it would be an enjoyable night, afterall. =)

My heart is not with me these days. I guess it's still with you, afterall. =( Broken and shattered, under your merciless feet... 

Maybe one day, I shall wake up from all the dreams that once haunted me. I shall wake, and see the dawn of a new day... =)






*so wanna read this book!!!*

And I miss you now...

How long had it been?
Since I last saw you.
I find I could not seem to recall your face as easily as I once did.

And your smell, your presence, your touch....

Fading steadily away...
I tried to close my eyes, tried to grasp hold of the frail memories of you...

but all is gone. Like shadow, like smoke. 

Was it all a dream?
Your smile, your warmth, your hold...

If it were, how I wish I could've never woke up...

Fading...
Your touch that once lingered on my skin.
Fading...
Your warm breath down my neck.
Fading...
The tingles you once sent down my body.

My hands,

don't wanna start again,

My hands,

no they don't wanna understand,

My hands,

they just shake it try to break whatever piece I may find... 

They just couldn't bring back to me the same feelings you once filled me with...
They couldn't even warm me in these cold nights as you always could...

I guess they just weren't the same as...

your hands.

*******
So fast I had climbed back up, just to fall into another pit-hole again. What was I thinking?!!

My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea,

You touched me once and it's really something,

You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be...

I used to be much cooler than this. But why oh why do I always lose my cool when I'm with you?

I'm on my guard for the rest of the world,

But with you, I know it's no good... 

And I had promised never to fall again! Sigh... My bad...

But guess I am one who'd rather hurt than to be heartless...

Dummy me. =(

*******
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to undo some things.
Like words that I said... or should have said.
Like things that I did... Or did not do.

I should've studied harder.
I should've said something when that happened.
I should've hugged you and never let go.
I should've stopped you.
I should've stopped myself.
I should've the right mind to not keep loving you.
I should've cared less.
I should've paid more attention in lectures.
I should've worked harder in my dance.
I should've known my timing better.
I should've realized earlier.
I should've bought better shoes.
I should've read you better.
I should've listened to my friends.

I should've told you, I actually do love you... 

Too much that I regret of. If only I could go back and set it all right again... Would things have been different?



*******
Watched Penang International Dancing Championship 2010 on TV the other day.
Realized just how much I missed those times.

And I still do.

I miss dancing like we did before.
I miss learning and learning and LEARNING.
I miss the overloading knowledge. 
I miss trying to improve and impress.
I miss drillings.
I miss hanging out with danceworld family.
I miss the aching muscles, bruised toes, sweaty hands... but happy smiles.

I miss technique class and bronze class as they were like before.


*******
Sometimes, it felt like ages since my last real dance with you...

These days,I wonder if my Rumba will ever be the same again? =(

And I miss you now...

How I wish to go back to November again...

轻与重

轻，

是浮云般轻

是毛羽般轻；

生命所不能承受的轻。 

重，

是沉重之重

是沉痛之痛；

心灵所无法承受之重。 

我心

承载不了你的轻；

你心

负荷不了我的重。

所以都沉了，

碎了，

没了……

不复回。 

Dance Diary Part 10 --- My First Competition!!!

It was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. in capital letters! That was how I felt every single moment of it... ^___^

It was indescribable, unbelievable, almost a miracle. It was A DREAM COME TRUE! How wonderful. 

And still, now long after, my heart still flips in excitement when I think of it. Seriously.

Well, to say that I was not nervous at all, that'll be a lie. I had never been to a competition before, only exception was the KLDA one where I was working as a floor-runner. But even that time, I didn't really get to watch the dances because I had to arrange prizes and collect score-sheets ever so often. Hence, I had NO IDEA about many things. Even from the make-up & hair-styling, to how am I going to enter the dancefloor. And not-knowing did make me a little nervous. But I was blessed to have made many wonderful friends there, my 'danceworld family' as we all call it. They were lovely people, and I just have to thank them one by one for all their help and guidances throughout. Not only that, but also for all the fun we had together, and for making my Penang competition trip such a memorable one!!! Cheerio amigos! =)

And did I tell you? I met my beloved Sifu there! On that day as a judge, judging my category somemore. Ishh... somemore just at the moment I was off timing during Rumba semi-finals, my partner told me that she was practically STARING AT ME... OMIGOSH...!!! *cries*
Anyway, on the 1st night before the comp too I met her, at the lobby. And she was pretty as ever. Talked to her awhile, promised her to catch up with her when I am back in Ipoh, and gave her a big hug before saying goodbye. Truth is, I do miss her a lot. Glad that she seems fine! =)

1st day by the beach. Me and my roommates + Shi Teng who was staying with her family.

Me and Kathy

The abundant supply of food our whole room brought to Penang! =)

2nd day-- during competition day event... after our beginners' category was over

I seem to look tanned here, and I love it! =)

Cam-whoring in our room after the competition was over

All the pretty babes of Room 235 in sizzling hot latin costumes!!! ^______^

Here goes my acknowledgements: (lolx)

I would like to thank my wonderful roommates Kathy and Wai Ling for giving me a make-up tutorial the night before the competition. And also to Kathy for borrowing me her blue nail-polish.

I would like to thank Pui Yan for helping me with my lipstick and my hair.

I would like to thank Shi Teng for helping me apply my fake eyelashes and blusher.

I would like to thank Dana for borrowing me her brush.

Wouldn't have done it all without them. I'm a TOTAL NOOB at make-up and hair-styling. Argh... gotta learn next time!!!

And also,

I would like to thank Chloe Gan for the tips and advices for the competition.

I would like to thank Stephen for helping us take photos.  

I would like to thank Gary for providing us with food food and MORE FOOD!!! =)

And thanks to everyone else for the words of encouragement and the warm wishes!!! Love you all!!!

Not to forget my amazing instructors; Uncle William, Aunty Luisa, and Aunty Merle. Great teachers they are, taught us so much through this competition. Cherish their patience and passion. I'm just so sorry we didn't have more time to practice and be better than this, and that we must have dissapointed them... T__T 

I promise we'll work harder, and do better next time!!! 

Last but not least, ahem, my beloved dance partner, Cavin!!! (well, I am so not used to addressing him as beloved since we used to bicker most of the time, but then well yea, deep down, I do love him a lot! *as a friend lar, what you think?!! lolx...* ) Afterall, he is THE ONE WHO MADE MY DREAM COME TRUE!!! ^___^ For this reason alone, he deserves my wholehearted gratitude. He wouldn't know how much this means to me! =)

And this whole experience wouldn't have been complete without him. Brilliant guy he is. A way faster learner than me; I am amazed!!! There are so much for me that I could learn from him. I'm so blessed to have met him. Really.

Me and my partner Cavin

Nope, we didn't win. (mann, if we did, I would've slept hugging my medal for months!!! lolx...) We went through to semi -finals for Rumba (which made us really happy for we didn't expect to go any further than heats!) but for Samba we were out just after heats (from the feedback, it was due to lousy floor strategy, started too much to the corner, out timing in the beginning somemore... sorry!!!) 

Nevertheless, the entire experience itself was priceless. So many things I'd experienced throughout the competition. Everything was so new to me and my partner, that very often, we were amazed even by the smallest things; like young children exploring the world for the first time. It was indeed, an EYE-OPENER for both of us. And we enjoyed all of it, greedily and eagerly taking in every single detail, not wanting to miss even the slightest moment.

So many great dancers there were! And we can't help but to feel so lucky to be in Malaysia's biggest competition, to get to witness all of these. We watched, we cheered. For the young and for the old. For all were good. ^____^

After competition. Danceworld family photo!!!

Sadly as I do not own a camera, not many pictures were taken. But then again... every single scene and sight are already imprinted in my heart. =)

Dinner outing after competition

3rd day --- CRAZY FUN BY THE BEACH!!!
We played beach volleyball, raced each other, tried to throw each other into the water, buried PuiYan in sand, swam in the pool... it was a wonderful time! Great bonding too! =)

The danceworld hot babes hitting the beach!

Thank you, dear Father. For all these. I knew You had plans, and that You ALWAYS give me the BEST plans ever!!! Thank you, thank you so much dear Lord... You know how much this means for me. I couldn't thank you enough for all the blessings You've granted me. So I can only promise you dear Father, to try and do my very best to glorify your name. Now and forever, counting my blessings and giving you thanks... Amen, Father. I love you.   

Gotta get going, mountain-pile of notes are awaiting. EOS 3 is beckoning. I've got no time to waste if I still want to survive past sem 3. Sigh... reality, reality. I've come to learn, you always have to wake up eventually... T____T

Till the next year, 18th Penang Championships! *I do so hope I could make it there then!*

In the meantime, what is the pathogenesis of Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome?

p/s: credits to Shi Teng, Pui Yan, Kathy, Seah & Yoong Ruey for the photos! =)

Hurt

4th August 2010

It's a month into Sem 3. CVS is officially over. Moving on to Respi next week... Workload is suffocating. Such a wonder to think what merely a month could do to you! And it's even wonderful to think that Sem 3 would last for 7 months at least?!

It builds you or destroys you. Saves you or kills you.

Sem 3, don't kill me, please. I still have many unfinished wills. Have mercy, I beg thou.


It's an hour past midnight now. Today was downright tiring, but I still ain't sleeping. Lecture notes to catch up with. AIR topic untouched yet with deadline looming ahead.


Samba class today was nice. While it made me realize just how much I miss dancing, it made me realize too just how much I SUCK AT MY DANCE. My Samba was lousy, I know. By the way William laughs at me, I just knew that I'm merely a dissapointment to my Sifu.

Sifu, Sifu... It had only been a month, actually. But it sure felt like decades that I havent seen her already.

I miss her. I really do.
If only she knew.

And yet again, she was so far from me. So... distant, to put it in a better way. And no, it's not the problem with how many kilometers we are apart.

At times, I would wonder; if there were this one moment, that she truly loved me at all? Sometimes reminiscing the past, I thought there really were moments as such. The times she touched my hands, the times she looked into my eyes, the times she ran her hands over my hair... and even recently during her anniversary dinner, when she called me over to her side, wrapped her arm around my waist, and demanded the photographer to take a picture of us together...

It was times like those, when I would feel that she truly loved me as a student of hers, and not think of me as a passerby who comes and goes. Truth is, my heart was always there...


It broke my heart, the day Ah Nee Aunty said that I wasn't considered a student of my Sifu. Ouch. How much it hurts, to have the only teacher that you've known and loved telling you right in your face, that she had never considered you as her student.

But in this case, Sifu wasn't there, so I didn't know if that was what Sifu thought of me all this while, or was it merely Ah Nee Aunty's perception? I really really wanted to know what my Sifu truly thinks about me.


You see, nowadays, I just didn't dare to be so sure about anything anymore.

And it breaks my heart to think that love was merely my own perception, and that she never really did give a damn about me.


I wonder if I had ever hurt her in any way. I'm pretty sure I didn't.

But before I did even hurt her, she hurt me first.

She hurt me, by being so skeptical, expecting me to leave even when I am not going to. By doubting me, building walls to keep me away when all I ever did was loving her and trying hard to protect her feelings.


I didn't cry when I was seven and had my eye operation.

I didn't cry when I was ten and had a piece of my flesh cut out by the doctor to perform a skin test.

I didn't cry when I was fifteen and menstrual pain sent me rolling in my bed.

I didn't cry when I was nineteen and a metal rod was pierced right through my flesh and came out the other end.

But I cried the night after I heard what Ah Nee Aunty said.

I cried the first 3 times Sifu didn't pick up my call.

I cried merely at the thought of her dis-owning me, perhaps?

Call me a cry-baby. I cry, because I care. Cared so much.
Cared TOO MUCH, perhaps...


Will be going back this Thursday. I would so wish to see her.
Just to see how she was doing. Visit and talk, maybe yum cha? ^_^
The last time I managed to call her, she was sick. And I was worried. That was about 3 weeks ago? Should have recovered by now. Guess I'd better check on her.

Most of all, check to see if she is happy. With life, with everything. Just wanna make sure that no one, or nothing hurts her further. As long as she is happy, I'll be happy for her too.

Ohhh, and to tell her I love her! I guess everyone would be happy to be loved, right? ^___^

My own questions, maybe I could leave it till later? Or maybe I just wouldn't want to spoil her day. I had contemplated for so long, but everytime I see her, I could never bear to ask. Instead, I try my best to always cheer her up, because seeing her happy smile makes everything wothwhile I guess.

Because she is awesome.

She was and forever will be, my beloved Sifu;

the one who taught me everything I know now,

the one who believed in me even when the whole world didn't,

the one who fetched me to her studio when my parents refused to send me,

the one who made me laugh, made me cry, and made me grow along the way...

You were so right, I'm really a dummy, am I not? ^___^

But I'm happy enough as it is. That's all that matters I guess!

For One More Day

Changes; circumstances. And the latter just wasn't convincing enough to help me cope. So much that had happened over the past month, and frankly, I still hadn't got past it all. I wonder if everything would still be the same as this if I hadn't went home that faithful night? Sometimes life is so much about choices; and I made my choice. For what you said was true, the way things are heading, sometimes it's just best to let go. So long had I been hanging on, so long had I been giving everything, just not giving up. So long had this heart of mine been forced to break, over and over again... I was tired. But there was a greater reason, I know I musn't hold you back from your journey if you've decided to move on, and most importantly, to seek God again.


So I let you go. It sure hurts like hell, but in a way, I'm glad. I'm glad that you actually willed to renew your relationship with Him, though you'll be ending yours with mine. I'm glad from now on, you'll review your priorities; to place Him above me, and above all else. Yes, for this time, I could actually comprehend. No longer the dummy I was, I guess you are going to be proud of me this time. ^_^


At times, I still wonder if my choice was right. I wonder if you were right, saying that I'll be better off without this. You see, now that everything's over; I'm still as weary as ever, if not wearier. I still didn't feel any better, if not worse. I don't break anymore, I'm shattered.


Truth is, it's never easy. Especially for one like me who always suck at saying goodbye. No longer could I count the tears that I shed, no longer could I count the times I had to run to the toilet or hide myself somewhere and cry. So forgive me if I had to get up and run away at times, for the last thing I wanted is for you to see my tears again.

At times I really don't know how long it would take for the tears to dry.
At times I really think that this could actually kill me.
At times I really think that I would just die and live no more...

Yes, there are always times like these.

Why oh why would I always feel so helpless?
Helpless, bounded by the threads of sorrow.
Helpless, no longer able to control the tears from falling.
Helpless, just because I felt helpless...


Sometimes, I just don't know if I could ever really smile again. I can go running & hiking with my friends, I can enjoy a dance or two with my partner, I can laugh at lame jokes you made... At times like these, I though I could actually lighten up, and maybe move on with life; but yet, the truth is, I still couldn't. There's this large hole you left in my heart, which could never seem to heal completely. Not with staying late in the library where I won't feel confined and alone. Not with drowning myself in all the work I can find. Not with studying but actually not digesting anything. Not with laughing, and playing with my friends. Not with dancing or singing or running or playing pool...

Maybe I need more time. Maybe I need more prayers. Maybe I need God's strength to make me stronger.

Father, I pray you'll see me through, just as you always did.

Father, you're my only hope, all that's left for me now.

Father, please help me survive this, at least, for every one more day...?

Hear the pleas of your child in despair, dear Father.
And... Amen.

Far Away...

I wonder how helpless is like?

When you're a child lost in the shopping mall and couldn't find your mummy, helpless?
When you're stuck in a traffic jam with only a minute to go before your interview, helpless?
When you're watching a patient dying of final stage cancer, helpless?

I'm standing here still, unmoving. Watching the world crumble and crash around me, but I couldn't do anything. Helpless?


Sometimes, it feels like I'm hanging on when everything around me is tumbling down.
How long could I hold on till I fall?
How long could I stand till I break?

Save me, Father.

*******

Where am I? This isn't where I intended to be.
Where are you? You are further and further away from my reach.
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move...
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.


I couldn't stay this way forever. I'm tired. Pretty darn tired.

Help me, Father.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career,
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns...
Well, maybe next year.

Somehow or rather, I'm gonna find my way. Gonna stay strong.

Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hands,
I'd give it all, I'd give for us, give anything but I won't give up...

So grant me strength, Father.

Amen.

*******

I love you, I have loved you all along,
And I miss you, been far away for far too long,
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go,
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore.

Not leaving, hold on to me and never let me go...

On Love and Forgiveness

Forgiveness, I’m still in the learning process of this subject these days. Seriously it proves to be a thousand times harder than all the medical books added together. Expected. It is actually always the same thing over and over again, but funny enough, it only gets harder and harder each time I had to face it.

I forgave, for all the times you apologize.

I forgave, for all the times you made me cry.

I forgave, for all the hurting.

I forgave, for all the waiting.

I forgave, for almost everything.

Yes, I do have a big heart. Never really bitched about anyone, anything, never really breathed much of a complain. So is it that this heart of mine is to be broken without fear or guilt? I don't understand.

I can't seems to understand anything now. Not even you, not even myself. I think I know this feeling. It felt like back then. Back to when I once penned down a post, two years ago. And true enough, when I reread it, it actually made sense. It actually made impact. And I am afraid.

"Forgive me for my ignorance, so as for my quietness, my lack of conversation at all times. Most of the time, it's just that I don't understand. It's just that I have nothing to say. Sorry. There were times when every one of you seems like a stranger to me, so familiar & yet, so unfamiliar. I can't juggle too much of these feelings, so I’m used to keeping everything to myself. Keeping everything in silence. I hide myself beneath a mask of what you see of me now. There are two sides of me---the part where I want to shout it all out, & the part where I just want to shut myself up & cry. I kept both to myself, & created one for you. One that you are so familiar with. So there. Please call me FAKE. For I too, no longer know who I am."

You see, when I can't see myself, it is then I know that deep down I'm hiding. Back under the cold mask of which took me so long to rid of, over the years. That's my problem. I hide when reality grows ugly, I run away and pretend like nothing had ever happened. I had became so good that I can even manage to convince myself. And I'm still jumping around, fooling and laughing like a carefree, happy girl.

It’s farce, I know. The realness I’m faking is making me disgusted of myself.

**********

I need to forgive and forget. If that ain't possible, I know that I'll be leaving soon. And that last resort is something I really wouldn't want to do. For one thing, I suck at saying goodbye.

I'll break, somehow or rather.

**********

So I turned to God for inspirations.
I prayed hard, and as though He lit a light in me, I suddenly remembered something in a book of my friend's that I had actually flipped through while waiting for CA to start, almost a year ago. It was this book, Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, discussing how biblical courtship worked for him and his wife, Shannon. There was this one part which lingered in my thoughts for long. When your past comes knocking, was the catchy title. It was a story based on real experiences.


It was a day, months after starting their relationship, when they decided to open up to each other. Went that in her younger days, Shannon hadn’t fully led a life of God’s consent. Apparently many a time, she had let her feelings and desire take over her spiritual conscience. To be more straightforward, she had committed sexual sins with her boyfriends in the past… and the story goes...


Anyhow, the issue there is, how you can face past sins (in this context, sexual sins) and experience God’s forgiveness.

The book illustrates Joshua’s struggle between forgiving and leaving. Yes, it is never easy to forgive. Especially when it concerns someone that you love, someone whom you care about so much, whose even a single word or a single glance would you hold ever so dearly in your palms. Sometimes, things are always easier said than done. Which is why many a time, when truths are revealed, relationships shatter.

But God is ever-forgiving.

It was said in the book:

1. Because of the Cross, you can absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your past sin.

2. Because of the Cross, you can confess your past sin to your loved one, even when you have to risk losing him/her forever.

3. Because of the Cross, you can forgive the past sin of another person.

There is no sin that is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness, as long as you truly repent. Yes, God is THAT forgiving. Praise the Lord!

So I guess the point is, (just in my way of thinking) when you reflect on it, God forgives, and you too, gotta learn to forgive. For by forgiving those who sins against you, you are following God’s footsteps. But the process might take long. This is when prayers are really essential. When you are weak but still gotta struggle, with feelings to juggle, prayers do help a lot. You can open up to Lord, all your hurt and distress, all your struggles and pain, and He always understands.

And so I will.

***********

It's hard to forgive sometimes, dear Father.

It's hard to move on, dear Father.

There will still be scars even if it's mended, Father.

There will still be thorns in my heart, Father.

There'll be times it still hurts, and tears might still fall, Father.

I am still just human, there are loads I might not be able to bear, Father.

Help me, Father. Help me through, I pray.

Hear me, Father. Hold me strong.

Amen.

************

Guess I need time to re-evaluate.

Lord, shine your light on me, shine it so I can see which way to take. Either way, I'll lay my fate fully on your hands, dear Lord. For you are the almighty God who loves us so, & my only hope you are.

Am still praying hard.

I wonder... and I've learnt

Even as a child I had been curious.
I used to wonder why the leaves are green, why the sky is blue.
Why the children can be so happy, why the adults can be so moody.
Why the kind old man next door always had a lot of visitors in his house, why the grumpy aunty down the street was always lonely.

And as I grow older, sometimes I wonder how this world came to be.
I wonder how God works, and how Satan works in this world.
I wonder how mankind on this earth, could be so different from each other.

And today. I'll talk about people. Yes, those class-A mammals/homo sapiens/complex beings with even complex mind/sinners... whatever you call them.

Throughout my 19 years of life, I've seen people. Lots and lots of people. Different people. And there are people I forgot, people I treasure, people who are worthy and unworthy. It might come out harsh, but still, UNWORTHY... what else could subtly describe that precisely? Perdón for my lack of vocabulary.

*******

I wonder how some people demand for respect when they themselves are not respecting others at all. Que ironia ven? Sadly funny, in a way. I always believe that respectable people will gain respect automatically. They don't even need to DEMAND for it if they proved themselves worthy.

The act itself is sometimes, as evil blow itself up in a pale parody of the human being, which only made us giggle like children at their foolish pomposity.
Why so?
Imprudente.

*******

I used to be sympathetic for outcasts, but I guess I gotta re-evaluate my notion. I'd came to see that there must be a reason to that. And very often, reasons that speak for themselves. Like there's this little mirror reflecting everyone's heart, if you take the time to read them, it's all pretty much self-explanatory.

~~~
Now I know why Sifu is so pretty. Her beauty comes from within. Reflected on that little mirror, I think. Brings radiance to her face.

And one thing, she never brags much.

Unlike some.

*******

When I was young, there was this counting song that every kindergarten kid knew by heart, "Ten Green Bottles"...
"So many!!!" my little cousin will say. Yeah, diez!!! It's all of your fingers together, kiddo!
That was then, you could when you're five years old.
But then again, now I'd seen some people who just never learnt to grow up. Lástima en ellos.

Dissapointing.

*******
Schadenfreude. Yes, haven't you met one before?

*******

Lesson learnt---Never to believe in anyone, except those who LOVE you. Not like, not close, not anything. Just love. Love that takes no account of sacrifices. Takes no account of anything.
And to be frank, there just ain't many out there.

One thing I'd say, life's lessons aren't normally enjoyable to learn. Unlike dance lessons. ^_^

*******
It's Monday again.
Yesterday's lesson was a drill. Yup, Sifu's back. No more chit-chatting or lazing around the barre. But I'm happy that Sifu's finally back.

Dumped our routine yesterday. Instead, we had warm-ups, that's what Sifu call them. I guess it's some new techniques she learnt from her 2-week China trip. Wow, and sure enough, some drilling it was!!! Techniques for cucuracha/hip movements, directions, centre point, Rhumba walk and all those spinning and twisting... continuous 10 minutes for each training. It was alright for the others, but imagine spinning for 10 minutes! We were stopping, bumping into each other and crossing tracks at 8 minutes. Were seeing stars and slumped to the floor at the end of the song.

So much for improving over the 2 weeks. Sifu was devasted. So it's the same dose of teasing, fired at almost everyone. Lolx.. at least, I wasn't the only one.

And we had a great time. Had great chats. Dance is a blessing. You are a blessing.


I think that for every bad that we had in our lives, we'll have good too.

God looks after His children. God gives us what is best for us.
God is fair. God is good. Amen!


And again, I've learnt.

Forever And Always

It's 2 am now.
2 more papers to go;
my batteries are running low.

It's draining all of me...

You seems really tired lately.
I guess your batteries are running low too.
I'll drain all the energy I have left for you, if it could lift your spirits up again...


Went dancing again today. Alone, as always. This might be the last time I'll ever dance in Akasia's badminton hall.

I'm gonna miss it a lot when I leave.
Gonna miss the tall row of mirrors, smooth grey floor and carpeted little stage at the corner.

It's the place that I used to go, seeking solace.
The next best thing I'd found here.

I stayed there for more than 2 hours, repeating routine after routine. It's strange that they didn't tire me out today. Maybe I was just too absorbed, it even made me forget how weary I am, until much later anyway.
It's a good thing no one's there playing badminton, it's always like this during exam period. I could have the whole hall all to myself. ^_^

My personal dance studio for the very last time.

You told me most of the Blackpool dancers are married couples. Yea typical. But I kinda find it really sweet and romantic.

I believe that dancing do cultivate love.
Just as I always believe that dances will only come to life if there is love.

How nice. Husband and wife, with the same passion and aim.

Taylor Swift's "Forever And Always" is oh-so-heartbreaking.
Apparently it was the song she wrote after her painful breakup with Joe Jonas. (according to the press)
Sound like she'll never believe in forever and always anymore.

Baby, what happened? Please tell me
'Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always

you didn't mean it baby

Now I see.
Some broken-hearted people write songs.
Some broken-hearted people cry.
And some broken-hearted people bite themselves...

No they ain't mad. Just hurt...

I love "The Best Day". It's pure and sweet. And inspiring. A song she wrote for her mum. At least not all her songs are about boys.. lolx.

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

One day, I'll write a song for you too, mum.

It's 2 am. I'm holding Yaw Yaw in my arms. It's warmer with him here. Like part of your warmth is here with me, even when you are thousands of miles away.
So I hugged on tighter.

I pray that you are warm and snug too,
sleeping peacefully in your bed through the autumn night.

I wish I could go back to the dance again. And make it last forever.
Back to the days of blue sweater and little black skirt.
Wet pants under the little fragile umbrella. And yet big enough smiles. Rainbow smiles.

*lolx... I'm so random...*

Some people do still believe in forever and always -
Dummy me. ^_^


Don't ask me why I do. I just do.
My love for you could last forever and always...

Fragments of thoughts...

I hate smokers. But there are lots of them around. Puffing away at Pak Li. Bothering me, didn't stay there long.
No need to pity them smokers if they got lung cancer... >.<


Akasia line was down for 3 days. *unbearable* Luckily now it's back. So i'mma continue blogging. ^_^

I'm jobless.
It's too hot here. I can't pay attention to nerding. Interview's coming. And I haven't really done anything.

*what to wear, what to wear?* Haha... I told you I am jobless...


Last week, I lost my umbrella, was left in the wet rain.
Drenched.
Dripping love...

Streaming Blackpool Finals in Youtube. Yulia's hot & Carmen's great. Excelente!
Jive was amazingly fast.. Such speed... *wow*

I hope someday I could be like them...
*even half like them is enough...>.<*

Comps at the end of this year? ^__^ Hopefully.
Crossing my fingers and praying hard.


And now alone in the silence of the night, lost in silent thoughts...
42-day Cruise... Cherry Blossom Festival...
How interesting! Woulda love it so, if only it could come true.

And London and Paris and Barcelona and Las Vegas and Genting Highlands...

I'll be waiting... Bearing hopes and dreams of mine ......

4511 - 3197

Good night, carino.

I'm sure you are asleep by now. *grins*
Sleep tight...

Te Extrano

Poisson, poisson, poisson.

In French, there is this word Poisson, (read as pwah-sohn), which means "fish".

No, no. Not fish. There's no fish here. It's Statistics.
X~ Poi ( λ)


Heavy books. Heavier eyelids.
Even heavier heart.

I wonder.


A pack of cold rice, untouched.
I'm yearning for the untouchable now. Too bad.


Left with my right atrium and right ventricle. But they're still beating. These troubled heartbeats of mine.


I heard a sound from home just now.
Not a sound from beyond. No music to my ears, as you always say.

Have I ever told you?
Te extrano mucho mucho.

Buenas noche, carino.

Dear Sifu

There are things I'd always wanted to tell you.
I saw this note I wrote in my diary today, and it reminds me of the things that you once told me. Maybe the storms are over for you now, neways, this late message is still, about the things I just wanted you to know.
That day during new year I went to your house, and I see that you are happy enough. It's comforting to know that. I hope you can always be as happy. God bless.


22-8-2008

师父，你总给我一种无忧无虑的感觉。我印象中的你，总像个活在通话世界里的孩子，自己制舞衣，自己教自己喜欢的学生，跳自己喜欢的舞…… 总是那么自在愉快。有时总让我很羡慕。可这一次，我竟看见了你无忧无虑背后的一面。你说我听了那么多，我才懂，原来你也有你的烦恼，你也有你的悲伤。

师父呀，你总对人人都好。

可是你懂吗，不是人人都懂得回报你的好。未必的。你要明白世界的残酷啊！记得吗，我总说你常想人家比想自己还要多，这样总会让你很容易受伤的。像现在一样。对不起呀，可是我只得告诉你，这就是世界的现实。很多时候，你真的不能对人太无私的好，会让你遍体鳞伤的。这是我一早便学懂的道理。师父呀，你也要学着。在经历了这一切以后，我想你会吧！

当时你问我：“我是不是很好？是不是对人都太好？”

我点点头，当然赞同。

你便一脸疑惑了：“可是为什么别人还要这样反过来伤害我？”

我想你一定是摸不着为什么。我也无法回答你什么。我也不懂。世界要残酷，也许真的不需要什么理由。谁人要伤害你，要背叛你…… 也往往不须要太多的理由。

师父，只求你能坚强。
不要因一次的挫败而永垂不起。
不要放弃你的爱。
也请继续你的好。

只是，你要学习看清楚这一个世界。当中，有许许多多的丑陋与险恶…… 那些不由得你来掌控的剧情，…… 你都要一一看清。


你是一个很有大爱的人。如你，上帝必会看顾。 我也会为你祈祷。祈求你不会再这样受伤害。
继续坚强吧！继续坚守信念吧！继续爱着吧！

I'm glad you got through.
Proud of you. ^_^

I'm Still Learning...

I might be
at times whinning,
at times biting;
Noisily annoying.

I'm sorry
for all the hard times I'd given you;
Give me time,
For in your ever-forgiving patience,
I learn to grow.

One day,

I'll grow into a better Me,

the daughter you and I would wish to see.

*********

I might be
at times unexpressive,
at times quiet,
many times a dummy.

Forgive me,
Still a novice in the domain;
Give me time,
For in your ever-loving ways,
I learn the depths of Love.

Someday,

I'll show you my heart,

and all that you'd wish to find within.

Now, and always,

Together

let us be walking, in the shadows of the Cross;

Learning, His words;

Growing, in His holy light;

Rejoycing, His Love for us and in us;

Praising, for His blessings;

Glorifying Lord in every way.

Y de nuevo, te amo.

*And again, I love you.*

First Week Of December

Been a bit busy over lotta stuffs this week...so many things that happened, I'm juz gonna sum up the week:

Monday

Went for driving lesson no 2 early in the morning. Learnt to go uphill. *it's not exactly a hill, juz a 20 degrees bukit...* But it's damn hard to master, mind you. The worst part keeping your left and right feet totally still, and pull the handbrake up and release it down again, without moving one other muscle. The theory is, keep your upper body detached from your lower body, so whatever your upper body does, your lower body does not follow... err....if you know what I'm crapping about. Lolx...

Never mind that, the point is, I don't really like driving. (restricted movements of legs, unefficient blood circulation, hot weather, crappy mood...etc etc) I'd much rather have a personal driver to drive me around, while I sit back and close my eyes... wakakaka...

Neways, gotta work work work work HARD!!!!! CANNOT FAIL CANNOT FAIL CANNOT FAIL...


Tuesday

Driving lesson no 3. Bukit again, plus the Three-point-turn. Today I did much better, especially at the bukit. Whew... Jiyi is finally getting the hang of it. Lolx. But I'm seriously "BURNT" today!!! ARGH... It's a torture to drive under the buring sun of 1pm - 3pm!!! The sun shines straight thru the opened car window and after the 2 hours of lesson, OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!! I'm darker by a few shades!!! Wahhhh.......NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!


Wednesday

Had a real good day out today. Just wanna say, I'm really happy with every single little thing today, even if I have to sacrifice some of my sleeptime... haha... And every past problems are resolved all together this day. This day, there's no more tears, no more sadness, no more sleepless nights... I pray this will carry on forever.
I'm feeling like the luckiest gal on earth. And surely you know why...


Friday

A tired tired day. But everything's worth it. *wink*
Ran around Ipoh Parade for 5 hours. Up and down, east and west. Rummaged thru almost every single shop... Lolx...
Mission: In search of the ideal Christmas gift/gifts!!! *Oh, and not to forget, a nice Christmas card too! *
Note: Hope you'll like it...!!!


Saturday

Went swimming!!! ^_^ Such a long time I haven't had a nice swim already. And this is in my apartment pool!!! It's just like a private swimming pool. (minus the Malay kiddies at the other far end) So calm, so clean, so serene, so blissful...

What's better than a nice, cozy day as this?


Sunday

The long awaited dancing lessons again! Okay, so I know I'm still quite a noob, but I'm already working on it, very very HARD!!! Sigh... I would give anything to be able to dance like a pro.
It's Rhumba today...basic steps, Hand to Hand, Fan and Rhumba Walk...
The lesson was fun!!! but then again, dancing is always fun... Looking forward to the next lesson!!!
Oh, and I might have the chance to learn Waltz also!!! Wow!!! Ballroom dancing! I haven't learnt any dances in that field before! Hope I can have the chance soon... and when can I learn my favourite Tango? (lolx... advice to myself: Girl, you need to take one step at a time!)

*Dreading having to go back to Shah Alam... sigh...

Hope the new week ahead could be just as great, if not better!!!

Till the next time...

Nighty-nitez!