The Dance Shoes Beneath A Doctor's Coat...

Or am I only dreaming?

2011-09-29T01:28:00.000+08:00

I guess I was dreaming. For when I opened my eyes, you were gone... What made me think that you will come back to me? Had I really slept this long?
Guess it's time for me to wake up already.

If only...

I wanted to tell myself that one day everything will go back to what it was like. When it was just you and me. Your touch, your scent, your words, your lips, your eyes... Is there any chance there is? Why am I still waiting, after this long? Long gone promises are lying in the crypts, buried deep. How much chance do I stand? Why am I so stubborn when it comes to you?

I thought I smelled your scent yesterday. It was so familiar, it almost made me cry. It had been so long. I look around now, but I can't figure out where it come from. You weren't here, were you? It was just a dream, no? I was just there all alone, no?

No?

I could've loved you with all my heart if you would've let me.

Dance Diary Part 13 - Of abs and tan... and being the black sheep... =(

2011-08-01T02:00:00.182+08:00

Singapore/Johor comp is looming ahead. Only 4 more days to go. Think I am pretty doomed this time... =(
For one, I only just learnt my steps for the 3 dances that I joined (Rumba, Cha Cha and Samba) about a week ago. And I only attended 1 lesson plus 3 drillings before I MIA-ed back to Ipoh again. And now that I am back in KL, there are only 2 more drilling sessions to go before the BIG DAY.

*Gotta buck up supersonic speed, gal!!! These are international competitions, battle's gonna be TOUGH out there! Somemore it's Open category this time, no longer Beginners!

Even in my studio alone, among the other competitors of my category, I am pretty much... the black sheep. The lousier ~~oldest~~ one. =( Especially my Samba, in the previous few drillings, I even had a hard time remembering the steps for the pretty-complicated routine. Teacher Merle was telling me, gal your Samba is below standard, gotta work it up!!! *opps =( =( =(*

Anyway gonna practice REAL HARD this week. One good thing is that it is still sem break and rotations are over, so minus the academic burden to worry about, I can focus more on my dance ~~I hope~~. This might gonna be my last competition this year, since sem 5's gonna be darn hectic and all... ~~and then it's those visa and PMS and flying overseas to continue my phase 2..~~. I can't see any time in near future where I could slot in another competition, much as I wanted to. =( Sigh... guess I just gotta make the BEST out of this coming Johor/Singapore comp. It's gonna mean a lot to me. Gonna last me through the remaining of this year, at least. I gotta practice hard, and dance my best for the judges, teachers and audience. I hope I ain't gonna let anyone down, even though by the rate I am going now, I might already had. Sorry dear teachers, I will work hard even though time is sparse... gonna try my best and have no regrets! =)

On a side note, I had actually become pretty tanned lately; due to all the swimming and occasional ~~runs~~ walks. Kinda a good thing, at least my face will not look so obviously blackened by the caramel foundation like it did last time during my first competition! (I still remember my tanned-made-up face contrasting with my fair skin on my body... it was TERRIBLE! ishhh) I've come to learn to pre-tan myself after that. teehee... And am trying to build some abs too, by dancing and swimming. Gotta keep a real good bod to pull off my a-little-too-revealing costume. Any flabs or fat is gonna be very much visible as there is not much cloth to hide behind. Sigh... bad choice of costume. (next costume I make, it's certainly gonna have MORE CLOTH, and possibly some drapes... I love flowy ones... =P)

Signing off to bed... long week ahead!!! I'll leave you with,

Riccardo Cocci and Yulia Zagoruychenko Paso Doble @ WSSDF 2009

Yulia, my inspiration, forever and always. *heart* She never fails to remind me the reason that I dance; and if ever I were on the verge of giving up on dancing when times were difficult, it is her who could always reignite my passion.

Know what does my heart secretly wish?

One day, I wanna be a great dancer like Yulia Zagoruychenko... =)

Dance Diary Part 12 - 8th National Ballroom Dancing Championship 2011

2011-06-17T17:05:00.160+08:00

Status: Completed.

My FIRST SOLO competition. It felt sooooo different, being out on the dancefloor alone. It was as if all eyes were on you, judging you, noticing every little move (and mistake) that you made... Especially when dancing in the finals, it was only down to 6 people on the floor, and THAT was downright scary. No kidding.

Okay, let me back up a little. The competition was held on the 12th of June at Penang Bayview Beach Resort, the very same place that I went for my first competition last November. Very nostalgic, if you would ask me. But then again, it was a good thing to be familiar with the place, at least I know my way around, and I kinda could imagine how the competition would look like, the dancefloor and all...

But then again, it was still a whole new experience in a whole new way. For one, the people going with me this time were pretty different. There were many new people, new friends and all.
And then it was the category that I joined, Solo Beginner. SOLO & PARTNERLESS. T___T
And then it was the dance that I were to do this time. Cha Cha and Jive. The 2 dances I am not really familiar with. Even during drilling, I had a pretty hard time improving my Jive. Somemore kena scolded many times by Uncle William and Aunty Merle! =( I remember 2 weeks before the competition, Uncle William was so frustrated when teaching me the Jive techniques that he fumed at me :" I don't even know why you want to join competition lar, dancing like this!!!"... =( =( =(

But somehow criticism pushed me to work even harder in my dance. I did practice really hard, allocating at least 2 hours per day dancing at IMU dance room, and that did not include the everyday drilling sessions at WLD. And I was glad I did that. I'm glad I didn't give up on myself even when everyone else seems to have no high hopes in me. For hard work did pay off as I managed to make my way through to the finals! As they recalled dancers from Heats to Semi-Finals and then Finals... it was almost exhilarating to see my number on the board each time.

And there was even some problem in our category that made us had to re-dance the finals. According to the organizers our Jive routine consists of some out-of-syllabus steps, and so Aunty Merle had to pull us aside and re-choreograph our routine on the spot, and then we went for the re-dance... >.<

And after all the hassle and mess, we got the results, and I got 6th placing!!! =) I kinda expected that, since my techniques were seriously lacking and I am so nervous till I might even be out-timing at times. But still, at least I got a placing!!! And it was already kinda what I expected! Especially when there were many other studio mates of mine who joined my category, and during drillings, they seems to be much better than me. I thought I'd maybe survived till semi-finals and get eliminated by my own studio-mates... it will be as far as I go and I'll be satisfied already. =P

Guess I'm pretty lucky this time. But then this gave me more motivation to try and do better for the next competition. And I was happy when Uncle William said to me after the competition that I actually improved a little, and Aunty Luisa also told me this is a good start and encouraged me to work harder and get better placing next time. Dear teachers, I will surely try to improve! Thanks for all your teaching and guidance this long, I love you all!

My cert... No medals though... T__T Next time I'll try to get medals... that's my dream!

Some of my studio-mates who joined the same category as me

My beloved teacher , Uncle William and I

My AWESOME technique class teacher, Aunty Luisa and I

Choon Wei the joker who graduated from IMU

Onn Rei gor gor... =)

Young Nisha with her charming-enough-to-kill eyes...O.O

And I met my sifu from Ipoh too!!! She was also one of the judges for the competition... It had been awhile since I had seen her. I'm glad to be able to catch her during a competition break and talked to her awhile and take photos! =) She brought along a few of my friends too for this competition, and I managed to catch up with them too after my event ended... =)

My former Sifu from Ipoh, Alice Hor

Sifu's husband, we call him JJ sifu =P

Somehow I ended up being in a group photo with my former teacher and my present teacher... AWESOME. =)

Till the next time!!! Sure wish there will be a next time! =)

Dance Diary Part 11 --- Dancing Alone

2011-05-23T13:19:00.001+08:00

Yet again.

Partner wasn't free, wasn't interested, wasn't even dancing anymore these days... Guess he's been really busy, coping with life and exams and all. =( I don't blame him actually. In fact, I didn't even mention to him about this coming competition. For after knowing him this long, I had came to learn that he has his reasons. Part of them which I kinda know of; part of them might remain a secret he wouldn't have told me... But anyway, as a partner as well as a friend, I gotta learn to support him in his decisions. The girl I was last time would've been angry, would've threw a tantrum, would've even cried... but yet at one unknown point of time, I had learnt to leave that childish self behind. I might be sad, but after awhile, it wasn't so overwhelming anymore.

And so I am learning to make it on my own while he is away.. =(

And in that, standing up to face a new challenge in life --- dancing solo. I had only joined one competition before, and had been used to having a partner around; one whom I can hang onto for encouragements, support, courage, push-pulls, counting beats... even an arm or a shoulder to stabilize myself when we are out dancing on the floor. It was awesome, to know that there is always someone there by your side who got your back.

And yet, now it's all down to myself to save my own neck out there.

Moreover, it is going to be Cha Cha and Jive!!! The two fast-paced dances that I suck most at. To think about it, I barely even learnt any Jive before. For the millionth time I am wondering out loud, why oh why couldn't it be Rhumba Samba instead?!! Even Paso sounds better than Jive! Sigh...

Neways, guess I'll take this as a calling for me to learn some new dance styles and improve on what I am weak on. Afterall, I can't be dwelling in my comfort zone forever, or hiding in the shadows of a partner! I gotta be able to stand on my own two feet first, before I can shine for myself, as well as my partner.
Hence... lemme quote Barney Stintson --- Challenge Accepted! =)

I shall train hard, and see where it takes me. I might suck now, I might still be lousy by the time of the competition... but one thing I know, I will not suck forever if I did always try my best to improve.. One day, I could be good too. =)

~~P/S: Partner, will you ever come back? ='(~~

Have you forgotten your Angel...?

2011-04-29T04:51:00.002+08:00

Angel I hear you, speak I listen, stay by my side, guide me; Angel my soul was weak, forgive me, enter at last, Master...

Choir was MUCHO fun! Even performed once, and it was an amazing experience. Moreover, it was "Phantom of The Opera" medley! My all time favorite songs... =)

I kinda miss singing Phantom...

Lately life had begun to speed up, much to my dismay. (time pass more quickly = summatives coming sooner) These days I had start to realize the fact that I am leaving IMU pretty soon. Just a few more months here; yet it seemed like just yesterday I was a noobie junior at orientation!!! Sigh... I'm starting to sound like some nostalgic old woman, please bear with me. But you see, much as I am excited about PMS, going abroad and all, it made me a trifle sad that I am leaving this place that I had grown so familiar with over the past years.

And the people too. You, you and you...

Had officially passed dance club down to the 'younger generation'. Guess it really is time for me to move on to the next chapter in life. Only hope is that in the next chapter, there will still be DANCE in it!!! =)

It was nice dancing with you guys... Those memories will stay en mi corazón forever.

You'll know it when there is this someone who is always there for you, to protect you, and to guide you. They call it Guardian Angel.
See, I am sending an angel before you, to guard you on the way and bring you to the place I have prepared. -- Exodus 23:20
Wonderful thought. I wonder who is my Guardian Angel?

And you,

have you forgotten your Angel...? =(

The walk was nice. Felt something like the way it used to be. How long had it been? I had really missed it. Gimme one wish and I would wish to have one day of the life as it was, back then. I knew I was happy.

Would be a nice ending, even to the saddest story.

And as the story goes,

I'll always be your Angel...

You are Special... =)

2011-04-10T03:57:00.000+08:00

It always intrigues me how different people can be. Funny how could it be when we are all creations of the same Maker? When I was younger I would wonder; Lord, why is it that You make everyone of us different? Ain't there be disagreements? Ain't there be misunderstandings? Ain't there be war?...

As I grow older, I meet people, and I've come to realize, that in every unique individual we meet, there is something worth learning from them. The people you meet in your life, they make a mark on you somehow or rather, even if you might not notice it.

I've long learnt not to be judgmental. For me, I never give anyone 'death penalties', instead, I always try my best to give everyone second chances. For I always believe that people CAN change. No doubt they have the ability to. It's often just a matter of will.

Human minds are such wonderful creations. Our brains consist of the same primary structures, and yet, the mindset and thinkings that we develop later in life can be so contradicting with each other at times. I used to have this weird habit of asking people random questions to ponder upon. Questions about love, life, friendship, God, family... and almost everything. And the feedbacks that I get are always wonderfully insightful. There are the ones that speaks my mind spot on, and yet there are many that contradicts my thinking and beliefs, sometimes way off my tracks and boundaries. Fortunately, I could say that I am one who is pretty much open-minded. Hence for those who oppose my line of thoughts, I welcome them just as well, and I respect their thoughts just as much. I might or might not be affected by these surge of new inputs, but I always view them as a good thing. Opens up a lot of new perspectives, you see. Sort of widens my horizon, broadens my meek narrow mind. There is never too much to see, learn and experience...

Which might explain why I love collecting quotes. I used to have this 'quote book' in which I jot down all the nice quotes that I came across; in the Bible, in the books I read, in the movies I watched, or even from the people I meet. Keeping a quote, it's like keeping a piece of someone's mind. You will ponder over how that quote came to be expressed, you will smile at it's relatedness, you will shudder at it's truthfulness... And many a time, when I came across a quote, there will be this certain someone on my mind. And so I will share with them, these essence of man and literature. Because I am one who always believe that we should be more expressive of ourselves, and it's literally unhealthy to keep thoughts to oneself.

I wish to be a psychiatrist. A counselor. A psychology consultant... reading and analyzing minds, helping people in the going. The anatomy of a human's mind, is far greater than that of a human body. So much yet to explore and understand and learn...!

And still again, you are SPECIAL. =)

Do you know that you still haunt my dreams at night?

2011-03-30T03:10:00.000+08:00

"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake, I long to hold you in my arms. If anything, our time apart has only made me more certain that I want to spend my nights by your side, and my days with your heart." ~ Nicholas Sparks (Nights in Rodanthe)

Sem 4 so far is pretty relaxing, too empty, even. But days were unproductive, except for the dancing. And much as I enjoy slacking, I don't like unproductive days. *Buck up gal, in your dance and in your studies. At least, DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL than to waste your days and weeks away!!! =(

I really should get myself going. I need to do better in my academics. I need to get better results in my next dance exam. (Big dreams, but I REALLY WANT to get Honours!!!)

Dance Night coming up, gotta make sure things flow well for the night. Gotta make sure my ~~probably~~ last latin performance in IMU can be something memorable. Gotta make sure Dance Club is in good hands before I step down...

Prom is coming very soon too. I am not that hyped, not sure why. But then again, it's a once in a lifetime thing, I must make it there somehow. Wish it would be an enjoyable night, afterall. =)

My heart is not with me these days. I guess it's still with you, afterall. =( Broken and shattered, under your merciless feet...

Maybe one day, I shall wake up from all the dreams that once haunted me. I shall wake, and see the dawn of a new day... =)

*so wanna read this book!!!*

And I miss you now...

2011-02-08T23:46:00.000+08:00

How long had it been?
Since I last saw you.
I find I could not seem to recall your face as easily as I once did.

And your smell, your presence, your touch....

Fading steadily away...
I tried to close my eyes, tried to grasp hold of the frail memories of you...

but all is gone. Like shadow, like smoke.

Was it all a dream?
Your smile, your warmth, your hold...

If it were, how I wish I could've never woke up...

Fading...
Your touch that once lingered on my skin.
Fading...
Your warm breath down my neck.
Fading...
The tingles you once sent down my body.

My hands,

don't wanna start again,

My hands,

no they don't wanna understand,

My hands,

they just shake it try to break whatever piece I may find...

They just couldn't bring back to me the same feelings you once filled me with...
They couldn't even warm me in these cold nights as you always could...

I guess they just weren't the same as...

your hands.

*******
So fast I had climbed back up, just to fall into another pit-hole again. What was I thinking?!!

My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea,

You touched me once and it's really something,

You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be...

I used to be much cooler than this. But why oh why do I always lose my cool when I'm with you?

I'm on my guard for the rest of the world,

But with you, I know it's no good...

And I had promised never to fall again! Sigh... My bad...

But guess I am one who'd rather hurt than to be heartless...

Dummy me. =(

*******
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to undo some things.
Like words that I said... or should have said.
Like things that I did... Or did not do.

I should've studied harder.
I should've said something when that happened.
I should've hugged you and never let go.
I should've stopped you.
I should've stopped myself.
I should've the right mind to not keep loving you.
I should've cared less.
I should've paid more attention in lectures.
I should've worked harder in my dance.
I should've known my timing better.
I should've realized earlier.
I should've bought better shoes.
I should've read you better.
I should've listened to my friends.

I should've told you, I actually do love you...

Too much that I regret of. If only I could go back and set it all right again... Would things have been different?

*******
Watched Penang International Dancing Championship 2010 on TV the other day.
Realized just how much I missed those times.

And I still do.

I miss dancing like we did before.
I miss learning and learning and LEARNING.
I miss the overloading knowledge.
I miss trying to improve and impress.
I miss drillings.
I miss hanging out with danceworld family.
I miss the aching muscles, bruised toes, sweaty hands... but happy smiles.

I miss technique class and bronze class as they were like before.

*******
Sometimes, it felt like ages since my last real dance with you...

These days,I wonder if my Rumba will ever be the same again? =(

And I miss you now...

How I wish to go back to November again...

轻与重

2011-01-30T23:32:00.001+08:00

轻，

是浮云般轻

是毛羽般轻；

生命所不能承受的轻。

重，

是沉重之重

是沉痛之痛；

心灵所无法承受之重。

我心

承载不了你的轻；

你心

负荷不了我的重。

所以都沉了，

碎了，

没了……

不复回。

One step at a time...

2011-01-27T14:56:00.000+08:00

Too old,
we are for Disneyland,
Peter Pan will never knock on your window;
Too much,

of fairy tales,

Story-time is long over;
Too fast,

you took your train,

ride it like a roller-coaster.

Didn't your mama ever tell you not to speed?

But you took it 170 at the highways,

Just remember how to hit the brakes,

If you crash it'll gonna be painful,

I'll pray that no hearts will break.

One step at a time, take it slow,
Take your time look at the sights below,
You wish me to disappear but I gotta tell you what I know,
Wood last longer if you burn it slow;
And if you ever crash and burn,
I would hate to say this, but... I told you so,
I told you so...

Too old,
we are for the playground,
you tried the monkey bar but your feet touched the ground;
Too much,
of unknown in our future,
that we are yet to discover;
Too fast,
your embers caught the wood,
licked up the whole forest.

Din't your teacher tell you not to run in the corridors?
But you took it full speed down the rocky lane,
Just remember how to slow your pace,
If you fall it's gonna be painful,
I'll pray that no hearts be hurt.

Once again, take it slow,

Take your time look at the sights below,

You wish me to disappear but I gotta tell you what I know,

Wood last longer if you burn it slow;

And if you ever crash and burn,

I would hate to say this, but...

For the last time, take it slow,
Take your time look at the sights below,
You wish me to disappear but I gotta tell you what I know,
For I don't wanna see you cry,
And if you still crash and burn,
I will feel sorry for you, but I told you so,
I told you so...

Kay Kay Beeee!!!

2010-12-18T02:33:00.000+08:00

Wasn't as bad as I expected. In fact, it was pretty FUN. Well, it wasn't perfect, wasn't wonderful; but then I would let them off and focus on the great things instead. ~~*even the ridiculous scoldings we got every single day from nurse rita...? No!*~~ =.=

Like the company maybe. Had a pretty good time with my roommates. 6 girls in a hostel room meant for 8 person. Not too crowded. We had real fun on the first night, playing a self created game which compromised of some drinking game + Truth or Dare... it was fun, really a wonderful ICEBREAKER!!! With lots of laughter, and a sore back (due to a limbo punishment in the end)... lolx... [Pity the guys who got our prank calls though...]

our room at the nursing hostel

Hospital rotations were great too (apart from the constant presence of THE NOTORIOUS nurse rita) Seriously she is EVERYWHERE! (Even at the oddest hour, in the deepest heart of the Wad Bersalin where we were behind heavily-drawn curtains watching the nurses measure a dilation...) >.<
It was really a true-blue hospital setting, and it was kinda over-whelming for all of us at times. There were so many new things to be experienced and learnt, so many different cases, so many out-of-textbook cases we were yet to be exposed to... And many a time, we felt so small and humble by the fact that there are just so much medical knowledge that we don't know still.

So much I learnt, but the most significant, was to have more empathy to patients. It comes pretty naturally though, I would say. It was impossible not to empathize them when it comes down to really seeing them, talking to them, and getting their full history and all. (maybe a little TOO MUCH of empathy for our own good T__T)

And for the first time ever, I did really feel the desire to help them. It's not like in the past when people ask you, why do you want to be a doctor? You will tell them the standard answer, because I want to save lives and help people; whereas deep down you might not even mean what you were saying. This time around, my heart was the one saying that. And it was so unbelievable that it surprised me. I never was one who has the passion for being a doctor, saving lives and all, but now, maybe, just maybe... I had actually started to like this job a little? Maybe I'm learning. Maybe I'm changing. Whatever it is, I'm embracing it! ^__^

Initially I thought I was going to suffer there, but apparently I did not. Even the absence of internet (my drug) was bearable. Even the cold water baths at night I found refreshing. Even the unknown bugs flying around and biting me were forgiven. Even the dirty, hard bunk bed provided me with great nights of sleep. And the food there were NICE, I have to admit.

In fact, it awakened the carefree young village girl in me, one that was long forgotten and hidden among the layers of growing up. It was like I was transported back to the days when I was that little girl, living in that little village I was so fond of. To the life I had before I moved to Ipoh. Those childhood days where I never knew what was the internet, where I take cold water baths from wells, where I catch bugs and tadpoles, and run around barefooted, catching fishes in paddy field, watching stars and chasing the moon at night.
And I realized that even though I had long since moved on, I do miss those days sometimes... =(

Too much of nostalgic crap here, time to stop. =)

KKB, a nice learning experience, leaving me with much to ponder upon...
Kinda helped me find myself again.
I think sometimes we do need quiet isolation as such, so that we can finally get to listen to that little voice from deep inside our hearts...

Dance Diary Part 10 --- My First Competition!!!

2010-12-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

It was A.W.E.S.O.M.E. in capital letters! That was how I felt every single moment of it... ^___^

It was indescribable, unbelievable, almost a miracle. It was A DREAM COME TRUE! How wonderful.

And still, now long after, my heart still flips in excitement when I think of it. Seriously.

Well, to say that I was not nervous at all, that'll be a lie. I had never been to a competition before, only exception was the KLDA one where I was working as a floor-runner. But even that time, I didn't really get to watch the dances because I had to arrange prizes and collect score-sheets ever so often. Hence, I had NO IDEA about many things. Even from the make-up & hair-styling, to how am I going to enter the dancefloor. And not-knowing did make me a little nervous. But I was blessed to have made many wonderful friends there, my 'danceworld family' as we all call it. They were lovely people, and I just have to thank them one by one for all their help and guidances throughout. Not only that, but also for all the fun we had together, and for making my Penang competition trip such a memorable one!!! Cheerio amigos! =)

And did I tell you? I met my beloved Sifu there! On that day as a judge, judging my category somemore. Ishh... somemore just at the moment I was off timing during Rumba semi-finals, my partner told me that she was practically STARING AT ME... OMIGOSH...!!! *cries*
Anyway, on the 1st night before the comp too I met her, at the lobby. And she was pretty as ever. Talked to her awhile, promised her to catch up with her when I am back in Ipoh, and gave her a big hug before saying goodbye. Truth is, I do miss her a lot. Glad that she seems fine! =)

1st day by the beach. Me and my roommates + Shi Teng who was staying with her family.

Me and Kathy

The abundant supply of food our whole room brought to Penang! =)

2nd day-- during competition day event... after our beginners' category was over

I seem to look tanned here, and I love it! =)

Cam-whoring in our room after the competition was over

All the pretty babes of Room 235 in sizzling hot latin costumes!!! ^______^

Here goes my acknowledgements: (lolx)

I would like to thank my wonderful roommates Kathy and Wai Ling for giving me a make-up tutorial the night before the competition. And also to Kathy for borrowing me her blue nail-polish.

I would like to thank Pui Yan for helping me with my lipstick and my hair.

I would like to thank Shi Teng for helping me apply my fake eyelashes and blusher.

I would like to thank Dana for borrowing me her brush.

Wouldn't have done it all without them. I'm a TOTAL NOOB at make-up and hair-styling. Argh... gotta learn next time!!!

And also,

I would like to thank Chloe Gan for the tips and advices for the competition.

I would like to thank Stephen for helping us take photos.

I would like to thank Gary for providing us with food food and MORE FOOD!!! =)

And thanks to everyone else for the words of encouragement and the warm wishes!!! Love you all!!!

Not to forget my amazing instructors; Uncle William, Aunty Luisa, and Aunty Merle. Great teachers they are, taught us so much through this competition. Cherish their patience and passion. I'm just so sorry we didn't have more time to practice and be better than this, and that we must have dissapointed them... T__T

I promise we'll work harder, and do better next time!!!

Last but not least, ahem, my beloved dance partner, Cavin!!! (well, I am so not used to addressing him as beloved since we used to bicker most of the time, but then well yea, deep down, I do love him a lot! *as a friend lar, what you think?!! lolx...* ) Afterall, he is THE ONE WHO MADE MY DREAM COME TRUE!!! ^___^ For this reason alone, he deserves my wholehearted gratitude. He wouldn't know how much this means to me! =)

And this whole experience wouldn't have been complete without him. Brilliant guy he is. A way faster learner than me; I am amazed!!! There are so much for me that I could learn from him. I'm so blessed to have met him. Really.

Me and my partner Cavin

Nope, we didn't win. (mann, if we did, I would've slept hugging my medal for months!!! lolx...) We went through to semi -finals for Rumba (which made us really happy for we didn't expect to go any further than heats!) but for Samba we were out just after heats (from the feedback, it was due to lousy floor strategy, started too much to the corner, out timing in the beginning somemore... sorry!!!)

Nevertheless, the entire experience itself was priceless. So many things I'd experienced throughout the competition. Everything was so new to me and my partner, that very often, we were amazed even by the smallest things; like young children exploring the world for the first time. It was indeed, an EYE-OPENER for both of us. And we enjoyed all of it, greedily and eagerly taking in every single detail, not wanting to miss even the slightest moment.

So many great dancers there were! And we can't help but to feel so lucky to be in Malaysia's biggest competition, to get to witness all of these. We watched, we cheered. For the young and for the old. For all were good. ^____^

After competition. Danceworld family photo!!!

Sadly as I do not own a camera, not many pictures were taken. But then again... every single scene and sight are already imprinted in my heart. =)

Dinner outing after competition

3rd day --- CRAZY FUN BY THE BEACH!!!
We played beach volleyball, raced each other, tried to throw each other into the water, buried PuiYan in sand, swam in the pool... it was a wonderful time! Great bonding too! =)

The danceworld hot babes hitting the beach!

Thank you, dear Father. For all these. I knew You had plans, and that You ALWAYS give me the BEST plans ever!!! Thank you, thank you so much dear Lord... You know how much this means for me. I couldn't thank you enough for all the blessings You've granted me. So I can only promise you dear Father, to try and do my very best to glorify your name. Now and forever, counting my blessings and giving you thanks... Amen, Father. I love you.

Gotta get going, mountain-pile of notes are awaiting. EOS 3 is beckoning. I've got no time to waste if I still want to survive past sem 3. Sigh... reality, reality. I've come to learn, you always have to wake up eventually... T____T

Till the next year, 18th Penang Championships! *I do so hope I could make it there then!*

In the meantime, what is the pathogenesis of Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome?

p/s: credits to Shi Teng, Pui Yan, Kathy, Seah & Yoong Ruey for the photos! =)

Dance Diary Part 9 --- The Day After Tomorrow =)

2010-11-26T00:28:00.001+08:00

So it is. MY BIG DAY. And also for all the dancers out there; OUR BIG DAY. ^___^

17th Penang International Ballroom Dancing Championships 2010

I'm really looking forward to it. My FIRST EVER LATIN DANCE COMPETITION!!! Something I had been wishing for all this long. It had been hell of an experience for me, this past month. And I know, it's just gonna get better and better. =)

Never been dancing this much of latin since like... forever? And I just LOVE it. Over the past week, we had intensive practices (or "Drillings" as they call it) every single day, right from 2pm to 11pm. And it's all serious no-play-play matter. Drillings as the name goes, are indeed drillings. We sweat out, work out to the max. But it was fun. Real fun. And I learnt a lot throughout. Private lessons before that were wonderful too. Taught me so many things that I had never known before. And made me realize there is just soooo soooo much more to go... It just motivates me and pushes me to yearn for more knowledge, and to improve myself more and more, one step at a time!!! I shall surely work hard (if time allows me T___T) !!! =)

Made many new friends too; most were younger, some were my age or older. They are really nice and friendly people. Made me feel so at home, even when I am so new to the studio. We share, we care, and we help each other out. We talk, we joke, we have fun together... as Aunty Merle said, we are FAMILY. And yeah, I am glad. This was what I had always looked for, someplace I could BELONG. Somewhere I could feel at HOME. ^_____^

Okie, now I realized I sound a little corny... ahahaha... ahem ahem...

Anyway, I'm packing my luggage now. Not really sure what to pack, because it's all so new and unknown to me, I don't even know what to do, what to expect, hence, what to prepare. Nor do I have any idea on how to makeup or how to do my hair. I hope someone would help me then!!! >.<

Guess I just gotta bring what my intuition tells me to bring then! And pray that it'll be sufficient enough to last me through... ^__^ I guess most importantly I should not forget to bring my costume and dance shoes!!! (if forget these then JIALAT lar... >.<)

Gotta resume my packing, and try to get some sleep after that. Penang, here I come! Weeeee!!! =)

Pain is gain?

2010-11-22T21:07:00.001+08:00

Okie. I'm back in my bloggie after so friggin' long. ~~My Plurk karma already dropped to zero...~~ >.< Sorry bloggie for leaving you deserted for this long. Haven't been free to drop by. Forgive me.

Even now, unfinished work are pilling up on me. Summatives are over, but still... long way to go. Notes to arrange, clothes to wash, a competition to train for, dance club activities to plan and organize, CSU practices, a contemporary routine to learn, problems to solve... and the MAJOR 'POTONG STIM' --- EOS 3 in January!!!

Work work work. Imma not let myself slack.

No time to lick my wounds. No time to nurse this broken heart. No time even to feel the pain.

I guess I just had to, had to do things... differently now. I had to make my heart harder, colder, stronger.
A strong woman I shall be. ^___^

It really isn't that hard now that I am used to it. And well, I have my dance. And dance could always make me feel better at the end of the day. Like it cheers me up, refreshes me... Don't ask me how though. I don't really know. =)

It's 9pm. Gotta go. Dance training starting soon. Gotta get myself ready. ~~(ouch, my feet hurts from all that dancing! But no pain, no gain?)~~ I promise I will be back here at least once more before leaving for Penang. Maybe if I have time, to catch up with what I had missed out all this while. ^___^ Ciao?

Signing off...

~~THE girl, I bet she's beautiful...~~

yesterday... once more? ):

2010-09-14T01:25:00.013+08:00

They can take the future that we'll never know

They can take the places that we said we will go

All the broken dreams take everything

Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

omigosh omigosh... I couldn't get that off my mind. FML

Your eyes. Your eyes at that very moment.

Why avoid my gaze? Why look the other way?

Your voice. Your voice when you said those words.

I could hear the crack. I could feel the pain.

And all I could do was to STONE.

Is that the best you can do, gal?!! ~~F*** you noob, you noob!~~
Should've touched your hand... Should've given you a hug... Should've at least said something...

Damn! I can't forgive myself! T___________T

......................

......................

Well, no point regretting, what's done is done. ~~What's not done is... not done.~~ At least you were fine after that. (Or so I think =.=)

I know I could be stubborn at times. A little noisy and annoying, maybe. Pretty childish-ly mischievous, even.

Yes, the way I jumped around all the time, and asked too many questions.
Yes, the way I keep pestering you to allow me to tag along.
Yes, the way I stuck my tongue out at you when you didn't let me stay on.

But I love you.

When we had so much in store

Tell me what is it I'm reaching for

When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart

Yes, I will hold you close to my heart, forever.
Promise.

I know I'll see you again, I'm sure

No, it's not selfish to ask for more

One more night, one more day

One more smile on your face
But they can't take yesterday

Will I see your smile again? ):
For the nth time in my life, I hope that yesterday never did end...

~~gal, you ask for too much sometimes... Grow up! Move on!~~ *slaps myself*

********************

Me gonna miss you... *sobs sniff sniff breaksdown*

As ever...

2010-07-09T01:09:00.007+08:00

Heart beating, broken, shattered?
I'm still pacing, running, chasing.

Trying, trying hard to walk away

But always ended up here again,

I need to look away,

But looking from this distance again,

Couldn't get nearer; couldn't leave either,

I'm lost in this masquerade.

Stop breathing,
Cuz every breath I take is you;
Stop looking,
Cuz every sight I see is you;
Stop dancing,
Cuz every dance comes from you;
Stop singing,
Cuz every song I sing is your name.

Don't wanna look into your eyes,

For I know I'll never be able to look away.

If you ever know,

You're the reason I'm still here pacing,

Why I knew the darkness of the corridors at ten,

Why I knew the quietness of the streets at two.

是这一种距离，
那隔着玻璃的静寂……
难受，真的很难受……

I already gave you my heart, what more do you want from me?

This night is long.
And you never picked up the phone.
Wonder if you would ever care to get back to me?

But as ever, I'll be waiting.

Don't leave me out here dancin' alone...

One Of The Angels...

2010-06-26T23:00:00.000+08:00

I had tried to stop myself from doing this; but gosh, I HAD TO tell you guys about my current flame!!!

*drum rolls*
*hysteric dance*
..........
.......................
..............................
.....................................
.............................................

It's none other than... OUR GIRL, DREW BARRYMORE!!!

Say hi, angel!!!

Had been spending my whole holidays ~~drooling over her~~ catching up with all of her movies. Simply awesome FTW. Drew is somewhat queen of chick flicks, and I LURVE chick flicks!!!

Chick flick recommendations: 50 First Dates, Music and Lyrics, Ever After and Never Been Kissed

"Charlie's Angels" a MUST WATCH, totally kicks ass!!! And "Poison Ivy" is my favourite Drew Barrymore movie. She was eighteen then; soooo drool-able, sizzling hot, smoldering sexy with her ~~so-kissable~~ pink lips, bare slim waist, extremely low-cut top, clad in tight short skirt displaying her long flawless legs... Seriously seductive.

I'll go Bi for her. Anytime. =P (You too J.Lo, no worries, I hadn't forgotten you)

"Do I like women sexually? Yeah, I do. Totally. I have always considered myself bisexual. I love a woman's body. I think a woman and a woman together are beautiful, just as a man and a woman together are beautiful. Being with a woman is like exploring your own body, but through someone else. When I was younger I used to go with lots of women. Totally - I love it." ~~~ Drew Barrymore

LOLOLOLOLX.... Apparently Drew had the same thoughts... *wink*

Could you imagine how a fine woman she grew up to be?
And she was oh-so-adorable in ET, when she was just 7 years old.
Another amazing thing is that, now at 36, her looks haven't really changed!!!

"You find yourself talking to friends about work and your life, and you wonder if it is all going to be OK - 'Is this going to work out, what is going to happen?' Now, I don't feel as if I know it's going to be OK, but I don't feel it is going to kill me. I've got a good perspective on life now. It's like, 'We are going to get through this."

"It's the best time of my life - it's not traumatic at all. I don't think I've ever been happier. It's like the older I get, the better I get. Gravity and wrinkles are fine with me. They're a small price to pay for the new wisdom inside my head and my heart."

She's even happy about ageing. *salud*

Plus, what I love about her, is her optimism. She has this perspective about life that is so beautiful, and... strong. I can't really find an appropriate description for her personality, but I could just say that it captivates me. The way she carries herself, it was so grounded. Thing is, she never tried to act flawless, instead she dared to be imperfect (especially the mess her life was in when she was much younger), to take risks, and to dream. Interesting.

"There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk." ~~~ Drew Barrymore

"I'm happy and I think happiness is what makes you pretty. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness." ~~~ Drew Barrymore

Absolutely love her many quotes.
My wifey rocks!!! ^__^

Aww, I'm in love, again, with another woman. Not good. =.=
...................
...................
Who cares? =P

Time to go!!! I'll leave you with ---

I just can't get enough of you, Drew...

Hurt

2010-06-12T01:27:00.000+08:00

4th August 2010

It's a month into Sem 3. CVS is officially over. Moving on to Respi next week... Workload is suffocating. Such a wonder to think what merely a month could do to you! And it's even wonderful to think that Sem 3 would last for 7 months at least?!

It builds you or destroys you. Saves you or kills you.

Sem 3, don't kill me, please. I still have many unfinished wills. Have mercy, I beg thou.

It's an hour past midnight now. Today was downright tiring, but I still ain't sleeping. Lecture notes to catch up with. AIR topic untouched yet with deadline looming ahead.

Samba class today was nice. While it made me realize just how much I miss dancing, it made me realize too just how much I SUCK AT MY DANCE. My Samba was lousy, I know. By the way William laughs at me, I just knew that I'm merely a dissapointment to my Sifu.

Sifu, Sifu... It had only been a month, actually. But it sure felt like decades that I havent seen her already.

I miss her. I really do.
If only she knew.

And yet again, she was so far from me. So... distant, to put it in a better way. And no, it's not the problem with how many kilometers we are apart.

At times, I would wonder; if there were this one moment, that she truly loved me at all? Sometimes reminiscing the past, I thought there really were moments as such. The times she touched my hands, the times she looked into my eyes, the times she ran her hands over my hair... and even recently during her anniversary dinner, when she called me over to her side, wrapped her arm around my waist, and demanded the photographer to take a picture of us together...

It was times like those, when I would feel that she truly loved me as a student of hers, and not think of me as a passerby who comes and goes. Truth is, my heart was always there...

It broke my heart, the day Ah Nee Aunty said that I wasn't considered a student of my Sifu. Ouch. How much it hurts, to have the only teacher that you've known and loved telling you right in your face, that she had never considered you as her student.

But in this case, Sifu wasn't there, so I didn't know if that was what Sifu thought of me all this while, or was it merely Ah Nee Aunty's perception? I really really wanted to know what my Sifu truly thinks about me.

You see, nowadays, I just didn't dare to be so sure about anything anymore.

And it breaks my heart to think that love was merely my own perception, and that she never really did give a damn about me.

I wonder if I had ever hurt her in any way. I'm pretty sure I didn't.

But before I did even hurt her, she hurt me first.

She hurt me, by being so skeptical, expecting me to leave even when I am not going to. By doubting me, building walls to keep me away when all I ever did was loving her and trying hard to protect her feelings.

I didn't cry when I was seven and had my eye operation.

I didn't cry when I was ten and had a piece of my flesh cut out by the doctor to perform a skin test.

I didn't cry when I was fifteen and menstrual pain sent me rolling in my bed.

I didn't cry when I was nineteen and a metal rod was pierced right through my flesh and came out the other end.

But I cried the night after I heard what Ah Nee Aunty said.

I cried the first 3 times Sifu didn't pick up my call.

I cried merely at the thought of her dis-owning me, perhaps?

Call me a cry-baby. I cry, because I care. Cared so much.
Cared TOO MUCH, perhaps...

Will be going back this Thursday. I would so wish to see her.
Just to see how she was doing. Visit and talk, maybe yum cha? ^_^
The last time I managed to call her, she was sick. And I was worried. That was about 3 weeks ago? Should have recovered by now. Guess I'd better check on her.

Most of all, check to see if she is happy. With life, with everything. Just wanna make sure that no one, or nothing hurts her further. As long as she is happy, I'll be happy for her too.

Ohhh, and to tell her I love her! I guess everyone would be happy to be loved, right? ^___^

My own questions, maybe I could leave it till later? Or maybe I just wouldn't want to spoil her day. I had contemplated for so long, but everytime I see her, I could never bear to ask. Instead, I try my best to always cheer her up, because seeing her happy smile makes everything wothwhile I guess.

Because she is awesome.

She was and forever will be, my beloved Sifu;

the one who taught me everything I know now,

the one who believed in me even when the whole world didn't,

the one who fetched me to her studio when my parents refused to send me,

the one who made me laugh, made me cry, and made me grow along the way...

You were so right, I'm really a dummy, am I not? ^___^

But I'm happy enough as it is. That's all that matters I guess!

Happenings?

2010-05-30T01:21:00.007+08:00

Life had never been so happening before. Seriously this post will look like a thesis if I were to write about all these stuff I had over the past months...

I didn't know that being a sem 2 medical student in IMU is THAT busy. I didn't know that the workload could be so suffocating. I didn't know that time could pass so fast. I didn't know that exams could be so stressful it can drive you nuts...

Thank God I am still pretty sane after all that turmoil of EOS 2.

I'll forever remember the desperate measures we came up with, to memorize the never-ending list of viruses, pharmaco, antimicrobials...
EBV (en en's disease =p) with infectious mononucleosis, JC & bak-ku-teh, the fierce mother story of Picornaviridae...
Terfenadine, Loratadine... Trimetaphan, Hexamethonium...
4 generations of Cephalosporin's story...
My self-created Ovulation Phase Contemporary Dance...
And not to forget the most well-known JOINT DANCE... (credits to Pak) =p =p =p

I'll remember the late night studying in Sg.Besi McD. Drinking coke for the caffeine and sugar rush to keep ourselves awake up till 5am.
I'll remember the 4 consecutive days of eating nasi goreng kampung.Ill remember the days of unkempt hair, dark eye circles, the forever tired look, and holding notes wherever we go.

Oh, and had I told you yet, I changed church? Frm ACTS to New Life Restoration Centre. Felt much more at home there...

There were pretty much happenings in my dance life too, at least, more than I expected. And srsly, I'm really thankful to God for all these wonderful opportunities given to me. And also for all the nice friendly people I got to know along the way.

KLDA is a pretty nice place, I've come to know. The people there were friendly, and I adore the big open spaces and smooth polish floor. Got to attend a ballroom dance workshop, learnt some little detailed tips and insights of Waltz and Tango. But with what little that I knew, I am still very very far behind in Ballroom. Guess imma focus on my Latin first. ^_^

The best still, was working as volunteer at the KLDA Rising Star Competition. I was assigned as floor runner (the one who runs around collecting score sheets from judges after every dance) and also to help out with the prizes onstage (literally meaning arranging and giving out prizes to presenters). It was a wonderful experience all in all, it was my first time watching a live competition, and to be involved in the organising team, even though a small role it might be, it was more than I had asked for. *And I got appreciation flowers!* Awesome eye-opener for me.. O.O (thanks a zillion, Kevin, for giving me the chance!!!)

What's more, I was elected IMU Dance Club President!!! Okie, you guys might think what's the big deal about it, but to me, it means a lot. A pretty 'dead' club it might be now, but I still LOVE it. Dance is like the only getaway for me from all the madness of my uni life, like a sip of iced-tea on a hot summer's day...=p Frankly, I've never been any president for anything before, so yea, a challenge it is. But challenge shall I stand up to. To try my best to raise a 'dead' club back to life, to introduce, and to spread the love towards this wonderful form of Art among all of IMU community. To spread the gospel of dance... gosh, I sound like some minister here. But then again... yay!!! And I'm glad to have a bunch of real awesome committee to back me up, together we can do this!!!

TO kick off, we had already arranged a couple of dance classes in IMU, hip hop and latin... hopefully more to come! And the classes were great. I joined both classes, and had lots and lots of fun with my friends there. Although I SUCK BIG TIME in Hip-Hop, the nights we spent sweating through our routines and laughing at each other's funniness totally ROCKS. And the late night drinks at the roadside mamak!!! ^_^

Latin wasn't a breeze either, in fact, it kicks ass! For one, it was Salsa, which I had totally NO IDEA how was that dance like. And the instructor was Mr. William, my sifu's sifu!!! Which is scareee!!!! Which means my sifu will know, what a DISGRACE I am. T__T

And as I expected, Mr William did tell her about me. They refused to tell me the contents, but I figured out it might not be anything good? And trust me, you wouldn't want to know how badly Sifu teased me when I got back to her. She's really ADORABLE. =P

And oh, she said she'll train me for medalist test, if I want. I had always though she never had plans for me, but she did. Maybe, after all these years, I had finally become more and more a student of hers?
Maybe, maybe. ^_^

In the meantime, I gotta enjoy my holidays to the VERY FULLEST!!! Imma getting my private lesson next Wednesday! *excited*
And studio's anniversary dinner is coming soon! *looking forward*

Life is just so wonderful when there is dance... ^_^

Changes

2010-05-02T21:35:00.005+08:00

And again, changes.

Had been months since I was back in Ipoh.
I could barely recognize this place I call home, as my bus exited the Simpang Pulai toll. Took me awhile to figure out that the bus was indeed heading towards Medan Gopeng, given the new buildings all along the road that was once just trees or wooden houses.

So many changes, over just a few months! There is this new corporate park. And there are new city decor. There are more cars. There is more unfamiliarity.
Whoa, guess I really had been away for quite a while.

It isn't really time to blog now, for my End Of Semester exam is just round the corner. These days I had to constantly remind myself that this isn't holidays yet, just a study break.
That I would have to leave home yet again, about a week later, to face the dreaded exam.
That I still have loads to study, and so little time left.
That if I wanted my real holidays, I shouldn't sit back at all for this study break.

I miss home, I miss my family, I miss Ipoh food, I miss dancing, I miss sifu, I miss my guitar, I miss driving, I miss just every sight and smell here.

But this isn't time to enjoy them, just yet. T.T

And again, anatomy of the heart. I realized just how much I had forgotten. And to think that it was only months ago when I had learnt them all by heart. Afterall, how could someone not know their heart by heart?

Gotta work harder, gal. You are lagging behind.

There are so much work to cope with, it makes me tired, and makes me sick ever so often. Indeed, ever since I had been to IMU, I ALWAYS fell sick.

Mom has been worried. And I feel bad for making her worry about me all the time. Why couldn't I be like the others? Why couldn't I live life like a med school student, and still stay healthy as everyone else do? And I never even stayed up as late as the others, never even starved myself.
But still I fall sick more often then everyone else.

Life isn't fair, I've learnt to know.

I need to pass EOS. Have to. For myself, for my parents.

Even when my mum told me it's ok if I do fail, she'll let me learn dancing, and be a FULL-TIME DANCER like my Sifu... I WOULDN'T let that happen.

I really don't want to dissapoint my parents.

Father Lord, I pray that you'll help me through. I'm asking for a grace that I do not deserve, but dear Father, I will work hard. I will do my best, Father. Most of all Father, please bless me with a healthy body and mind. Pray that I will have the strength and wisdom that come from you, Father. To face these challenges of this exam, and not be afraid, nor be weary. For deep in my heart I know, that you'll be with me, every step that I take. I love you, Father.
Amen.

Now... back to nerding...
15 more days to EOS... T.T

Dance Diary Part 8 - Of Passion and Priorities

2010-03-06T03:26:00.001+08:00

The whole week passed by in fury, in hurry. Performed my contemp dance not once, but twice on the same week. Once on Monday, and once yesterday. And also the fan dance.

Lots of last minute information and changes; atrium floor not available for our 2nd contemp performance, and we had to make do with the stage which is less than half the size of the floor, while risking throwing ourselves down the stage every leap we made. And our fan dance too, had to be performed on an outdoor make-shift carpeted stage that was wobbly and had gaps we might accidently stick our toes in, with a weakly-supported windshield that almost fell onto us when the wind blew from behind during one of our last-minute practice session. Good thing we crawled and ran away in time before the whole thing came crashing onto the ground we had been just a few seconds earlier.

We braced through everything, though surely, with flaws and a little something here and there, but still with multitude of praises and gratitude along the way. However this was when I thought, that's enough for now. I've had enough of dance performances for now. I needed rest. Badly needed a rest. My body hurt like hell, it felt as though I was ran over by a truck ten times. There were bruises all over my legs, shoulders and backside, and my wrist hurt cuz I used it all the time to absorb the momentum of my fall when I slammed myself onto the ground. My toes were peeled and scratched from all that pointing and pirouetting on barefoot...

Yes indeed, it was fun, learning new dances, facing up to new challenges. But I'm tired. Not that I don't enjoy dancing anymore, but I have to be rational. There is always a limit to everything, I had learnt. Much as I wanted to take every single opportunity I get to do whatever I love, there are other duties of mine that I couldn't neglect.
No, I don't mind the pain, I could stand way worse.
No I don't mind the challenge, it helped me learn even more.

It was the consequences that distresses me.
Like neglecting my studies. Like my deteriorating health...

There are some things that come before passion, and those, are called priorities.
I've learnt.

I'm a first year medical student.
not a dancer, not a performer, not a charity worker...
And I should know my priorities...

So long for now, imma gonna take a break from all these for the timebeing. Till I set everything right again. Don't worry, I'm not gonna stop or give up on dancing. Never. I'm just resting and regenerating, for the long journey ahead.. *winks* (Indeed, my dance journey's gonna be a real long, slow-progressing one. You'll gonna have the patience if you wanna walk with me...! =p)

Neways, I'll leave you with...

Memories! It was really nice dancing with you all... ^_^

Till the next time we meet again...

Dance Diary Part 7 - Of Bruises and New Challenges

2010-02-22T23:31:00.010+08:00

Contemporary. Not something I had ever dreamt of doing.

But due to unforseen circumstances, I am struggling on a contemporary piece with nada basics at all to start with, and with a deadline looming just a week ahead. Merely a week to get a genre that is totally strange to me presentable for performance, omg, I FEEL the pressure the dancers experienced in SYTYCD. But if this is SYTYCD, I confirm GG dy.

One main lesson learnt about contemp --- You gotta immerse yourself into the dance.
Feel the music, move with the flow, express the feelings and tell the story with your body. For contemp, YOU DANCE WITH YOUR ENTIRE BODY. Forget about body isolation.
Certainly a new challenge for me, as one who is so used to being in the restricted frame of latin ballroom dance.

Worst still, we gotta practically 'throw' ourselves all over the dancefloor. Dear me, the bruises. Imagine jumping up high in the air, spin the other way, and land with your backside on the hard floor. Imagine running and throwing yourself face-down onto the floor, and then have another person land on top of you. Imagine 'crawling' on the floor with your hands. And there are the triple pirouettes. Omg, pirouettes. One thing I had never done before in my life, nor had I imagined myself doing... to be learnt in a week's time. Not a single pirouette, but a triple pirouette complete with another normal spin and finishing it off by dropping down onto the ground. Oh my my my... T.T

The whole process spelt H-A-R-D-S-H-I-P. And to top it off, it clashed with MEDTCH110 orientation, where I was supposed to be Orientation Officer for Group 9. And there was this special CNY function for IMU staff and lecturers, in which we were again, asked to perform our fan dance. Never knew that dance could be so in demand! And so, practically, I was up and about most of the time; practising my contemp, practising fan dance, running about with the juniors, having late night supper with my group... Tiring, and at times, I just wish to get some rest for my weary body and mind...

Signing off to bed.

ZZZzzzzzzz....

CNY @ Home

2010-02-18T00:57:00.007+08:00

CNY is going to end soon. And I seriously don't wish it to. For one main reason, you'll be gone after CNY. Back to where you were supposed to be, to get on with a life you were supposed to live.

But you know what? We were supposed to be together too. Supposed to be by each other's side...

But why do we have to end up like this?

Visited my Sifu during the forth day of CNY, just as I did last CNY. Time flies yea? It seems like just yesterday that I was there, playing with her little doggie and chatting away, and now again I am there, and a year had already passed.

And yes I noticed, we both grew. Not so much physically, but mentally. A year could really change a lot of things. And it was indeed a rough year for both of us, which I came to know as we shared stories. For more than 3 hours we talked on, about stories of life, of love, and most of all, dance. There was a lot of emo talk when it came to dance politics and some certain people.

For one, Sifu told me about more betrayals and unappreciative students. People who left, people who were greedy, people who betrayed trusts, people who take advantages of empathy and kindness, people who did not know how to appreciate good deed done for them... And throughout the conversation, I realized that Sifu had became a much much stronger woman than before. I remember when I first met her more than two years ago, she was this innocent, carefree, bubbly, cute personality that loves to help and give selflessly, always thinking of others more than herself, happy and contented, living life like a little princess in her very own fairy tale.

I guess that was then. Before she was forced to face the ugliness of the world, before she had to learn that life was never a fairy tale and people who are too good are usually the ones who got hurt the most. In a way, I'm glad she learnt. I'm glad she changed, hardened her heart, so as to protect herself from getting hurt over and over again. Glad that she finally realized, and that in future, hopefully she would not be scarred as she was before. For I love her, and wish her to be happy. But then again, I'm also furious, furious at the people and the world, for forcing her into this change.

You see, if not for them, she wouldn't have had to change at all.
And I do miss her old self, loads.

But at least, she forgave. She did not lock herself up in the prison of an unforgiving heart. Instead, she learnt, and moved on. For that, I'm really proud of her. ^_^

Guess I gotta buck up and move on too. CNY is ending, uni is starting. You are leaving, life without you is starting. Dance is reducing, schoolwork is increasing.
There's always a wonderful balance in this world isn't it? For everything lost, there are things replacing. For every end, there is a beginning.

And hopefully, for the better.
Yupz, together, let us hope for the better!!!

Dance Diary Part 6 - Of Shaky Hands and Broken Fans

2010-02-14T15:40:00.001+08:00

It's CNY and I'm back in Ipoh. The past week was a blur of colours; lectures, performances, celebrations... all these flew by so fast I couldn't even keep track of them. A very happening week, I would say. A tightly-packed schedule, a three-day-long CNY celebration, two dance performances, a birthday celebration, and a journey HOME!!! ^_^

I'll leave CNY happenings for later, as this is a dance diary, and I should focus more on ahem... dance. So the week started with lots and lots of practise, and late dinners. By about 9pm on Tuesday night when we were still training Latin, I was already very much exhausted. It wasn't easy to juggle two dances at one time, both so demanding in different aspects. For Latin I need to have high flexibility, speed and sharpness. For fan dance, I need to have good control of the fan, strength and musicality...

What's more, our Latin Dance performance was on Wednesday, and by Tuesday still, we were tired and aching, having difficulties executing stunts, as well as keeping up with the timing. My spins were wobbly, and our dance lacked energy. And frankly, I was pretty worried about not being able to be in top form to bring our best performance the next day. And the last thing I wanted to do, is to dissapoint my Sifu with such lousy performance. It was my first official Latin Dance performance, and I really wanted it to be good. I wanted to see where it would bring me, all that Sifu had taught me for the past months I had been learning from her. Most of all, I wanted to dance better than I was...

Wednesday came feeling a little more refreshed and energized. It was much better, the practise we had before our lecture. Things were getting right, and though still nervous as hell, I was feeling lighter. I danced with my new shoes, as the old pair was already pretty loose and wobbly. I didn't want to think that, but it might be high time my old pair of dance shoes are to retire. It was my first pair of dance shoes and I do treasure it a lot. It sure saddens me to think that I might not be able to dance in it anymore... T.T

Had to wear my Latin costume to lecture, beneath a jacket, due to lack of time to change after lecture. And when the time of performance came at about 1.30pm, we were already all dressed and waiting by the atrium with a large crowd circling the perimeter of the atrium from all floors. It was a little nerve-wrecking, the sight of it. There were even many friends of ours who purposely skipped the beginning of their lecture, just to stay back to watch us. For that, I am really really grateful.

Was the performance well? Yeah. Was it good? Not really. But we did give in 100% of what our weary bodies could manage. I think the audience had a good time watching. But as dancers, we knew it wasn't a great performance. There were times our timing was a little off, there were times we weren't sharp enough, there were times our balance wasn't well, and there was an air of nervousness throughout. Wei Jin told me his hands were shaking throughout, and I think mine were too. The audience might not notice all of these, but it wouldn't escape the eyes of professionals. If my Sifu was here, I wonder what would she say.

Sorry Sifu, I still ain't nowhere near soaring yet. I wish you won't be dissapointed with me.

I had been your student for nearly two years; but I had only been learning for about 6 months. I don't know if other 6-month-old dancers were the same level as me, but I so hope I ain't the worst.

You see, as I said, I am never a talented dancer, just a passionate dancer. I wonder if the love could bring me far...?

Neways, we didn't get to rest. Not that soon. There was still Fan Dance to go on Thursday. Practice was gruelling, and throughout the night of practice, several fans were broken, due to over-using of strength while opening and closing our fans. That was the difficult thing about fan dance, we need strength to create the dramatic effect with our fan, but the strength had to be well controlled to not end up in a fan-breaking disaster. Our ciplak RM7.90 cloth fan isn't really that durable, to be honest.

And soon enough, Thursday came and went. And thankfully, I get to have some rest after such a hectic week. We didn't do really well in our Fan Dance though we did have a great time. If I could describe our dance in one word, it'll be... hilarious!!! Thanks to En En, and you'll know why. Actually for such a difficult genre done in such a short time, and consisting of so many people who aren't professionals, there ain't much to expect from. The synchronisation wasn't good, the energy level was lacking, the moves weren't expressive, some fan broke, some people forgot steps, some people halted midway in their dance to pick up money from the floor (that's En En)!!! We had a good laugh over everything after our performance, so it was an enjoyable experience all in all. ^_^

P/S: Looking forward to visiting my Sifu a few days later!!!
And spending the New Year with you... =p

Btw, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Day 95 - Dance Diary Part 5 - Of Patience and Confidence

2010-02-07T01:59:00.013+08:00

I thought my dance diary had to be temporary frozen when I am back to IMU, but strangely enough for this time, it's still hot and happening! *Yay!!!* =p

And seriously the amount of dancing didn't get any lesser when I am back here, instead, it increased... A LOT. Over the past week I had been here in IMU, there was not a day which I didn't dance. And for the past Friday and Saturday, I had been dancing for at least 5 hours per day! Firstly, we had to practice our Cha Cha routine to perform next Wednesday for the CNY Celebration Week. But mostly were to practise our Chinese Fan Dance routine which was pretty difficult, thanks to Wei Jin who found this routine which initially was danced by some China Dance Company/Dance School thingy... So you can imagine how good they are, and how hard it is to execute the routine the way they did. And that being said, if I were to ever be able to dance so well, I won't be in IMU in the first place, I'll be happily earning my dance degree in some prestigious Art School, rather than reserching on Streptococcus sp. for my annoying PBL tomorrow...

The problems didn't end here; we couldn't find a good fan. Initially we bought a ciplak furry red plastic fan, which furs fall off after only one day of practice. The incredible Wei Jin even tore his fan into strips of sticks. So much for our RM5.90 furry fan. We had to buy new ones in Petaling Street, this time, a red-cloth-wooden-handle fan. This fan is bigger, but harder to control too. Especially for a left-handed person like me. *Sigh*

So that spells MORE MORE MORE TRAINING!!!

You see, as much as I love dancing, I was never a talented dancer. Dance doesn't come easy to me. For one, I never really knew how to use my body. I wonder why I wasn't like other girls when I was young, curious about doing cartwheels, bridges and splits... Seriously when I was young, I never even did anything as much as shaking my hips before. Maybe because of my shy personality, I never dared to. And now I pretty much regretted it, having to train my stiff bones and body to do all those splits and spins and moves they had never explored before. It amazes me how much human body can actually do, each time I see a new move or style. Though much as I wanted to achieve them all, there were still limits to my ability. Born with MVP and hence being generally weak, also made things harder for me, as long hours of dancing drains me fast.

But just so you know, a slow learner as I am, I do still presevere in learning what I really wanted to learn. Different types of dances, different types of moves. It might take me long, it might distress me at times, but for the love of it, I never gave up. Do forgive me for the times I lagged behind, for the times I couldn't comprehend the mechanisms of each move, for the times I lost my confidence and wavered in my steps. Give me time, and slowly I'll improve.

However, I understand not every teacher out there could be that patient. For this, I really would like to thank my Sifu, for all the patience she had for me, for all her encouragements and efforts to lift me up even when I was slow and unsteady. She never extinguishes my confidence. Don't get me wrong, she does critic me a lot, maybe just the way she presented it. And I am really grateful. You see, new, shy and afraid as I was when I first took up Latin dance, I suppose if she wasn't tactful enough, I might have just thought of myself as a total failure and never dared to dance again. It is all because of her that I grew from a super shy girl to who I am today, braver, more confidence, more motivated.

When my parents thought I was only wasting my time, when my friends doubted me... my Sifu was the only one who was there to support me, through the difficult, low self-esteem phase. Even now, there are people who still doubted me, there are people who still looks down on me; for times as such, I couldn't say that it does not affect me; truth is, it hurts a lot, and it does bring me down.

Sifu's the one who lifted me up again, forever like a confidence booster to me. She might not be the most skilled teacher in the world, but to me, she's the best. Always my inspiration. Without her, I wouldn't have made it this far.

And now, I'm missing her a lot. *sob*

Cha Cha performance next Wednesday! Even when I'm tired, I shall train well.
Gotta make Sifu proud. ^_^

Praying hard,
Christine

Day 86 - Dance Diary Part 4 - Of Tears and Laughter

2010-01-29T00:40:00.010+08:00

My holidays are drawing to an end. This my last week here in Ipoh before my sem 2 in IMU commences. Last week of dancing with you too... T.T

The last lesson with Sifu was totally hilariously fun, to begin with. When she came to fetch us to her studio, she told me she was going to drop something to somewhere halfway. It turned out to be two drawers she wanted to send to a key shop. And it was just two individual drawers taken right out from her cupboard/wardrobe... Doesn't sound right, rite?

The story was that she sent the original drawer keys to the shop, hoping to make a copy of them. When she took back the copies, it didn't work. So she sent it back again, and the second copies didn't work either. She was pretty pissed off then, so she brought along her drawers for them to make another copy that is sure to work this time! (Lolx... at such a thing to happen!)

While the key makers were fussing with the keys, we proceeded to the studio. For our last lesson, we finished up our Samba routine, with more emphasis on techniques this time. Hips motion and most importantly, how to move along the dance floor, in an anti-clockwise direction. We weren't really good about the moving part, our Samba was pretty much stationary, or mebe only moving a little the previous lessons. Thank God at the end of the lesson, we managed to get the hang out of it!!! We could even circle around the studio, repeating the routine at different positions, without messing up our direction of steps.

And we even learnt the classic Samba Roll!!! It wasn't anything for beginners actually, but Sifu decided to teach us that, as a farewell gift maybe? ^__^ That was a move I had wanted to learn for so long, for it always fascinates me how beautifully flowy this move could be if executed well. But yes, you saw that, 'IF EXECUTED WELL'. And frankly we didn't execute it anywhere near well. Looked pretty much like some move out of a puppet dance when we did it, stiff and awkward, and it cracked us up a lot watching ourselves in the mirror. *Now I understand why this move isn't meant for beginners!* Gotta work HARD on this!!! =p

Learnt the techniques of spinning too, under my request. Cuz boy, I suck at spinning, big time. So I had wanted to polish up my spinning techniques. Spent the last 15 minutes or so spinning in each direction and trying to balance myself, trying to spot, trying to look good, trying to spin in a straight line, trying to keep myself from getting dizzy... It was downright hard work for me. And the outcome? I suck less! =p

Before we left the studio, I took some photos with my sifu, it was hard work convincing her to do so, for according to her, she wasn't pretty enough for a photo shot. So after finally convincing her that she looked even prettier than me, she agreed; but still, not after she forced me to remove my dancing shoes. Reason, she didn't want me to look much much taller than her! So I did. But truth is, even barefooted, I am taller than her!!! Nyek nyek... ^_^

After that, Sifu fetched us home while dropping by the shop to get her drawers and keys back. I didn't follow her down but Chin Yaw did, and man, cuz of that I missed out a good show! =p Sifu reaccounted the story to me later when she got back into the car, and it seriously sent me into a laughing fit, though I wasn't supposed to. =p

So for dunno what reason, she was reckoned as a stupid woman by the key-maker, who told her that it wasn't the keys which weren't working, but it was that she used the wrong keys to open the wrong drawers! And for these new copies, they even put sticker labels for her, and explained to her which key was for which drawer as though explaining 123 to a three year old kid. Sifu was pretty pissed off, and replied him curtly that she wasn't that stupid of a woman as he thought, and that she DID try both keys for both drawers. So there was this little arguement I assume, and Sifu and the key-maker mutual blacklisted each other I suppose! But as Sifu is, she wasn't actually pissed off or angry, she was just exasperated and innocently hurt; which made me couldn't help but laugh at her misfortune. *damn bad, I know...*

Neways, I'll forever remember,

我不是那么蠢的一个女人!!!

死鸡撑饭盖？！！

不要污辱我的智慧！！！

Funny quotes from Sifu!!! =p =p =p

And as the day ended, we waved goodbye to Sifu, promising that I'll be back to visit her during CNY. Thank you, Sifu, for all the good times that we had. One day, Sifu, I'll be back again to learn, just as I always did. No I'm still not gonna give up, no matter how hard the journey could be. And hopefully by then, I can be better than I am now, able to soar just the way you wanted me to. ^_^

Till then,
Christine

*******

This might be the final part of my dance diary before it is sent to hibernate mode, for dance doesn't come easy once I am not in Ipoh... sigh...
Sometimes I feel really lazy to write, but I still do. For my writings keep the moments fresh, so that in future, if I ever missed the past, I could always read back on them, and savage in the tears and laughter of those memories. And most important of all, I wanna keep the memories fresh, for I'd loved every single moment with you, you and you... And I just don't wanna forget them, not one bit, even...

Day 76 - Dance Diary Part 3 - Of Samba and Puke?!

2010-01-20T00:39:00.009+08:00

Having Latin two days in a row is darn tiring. In preparation for our Genting trip (yay!!!) from tomorrow till Friday, we somehow had to cram all our lessons with Sifu yesterday and today. And on top of that, Ballroom was tonight too. All these were what made my feet throb... even now.

Lesson learnt --- Never arrange Latin and Ballroom classes together on the same day if you are to learn techniques for both... It... KILLS. Both you, your feet and your partner... =p

For Latin, we started off with a new routine on Monday, after polishing up with our Cha Cha. It was Samba. I hadn't really learnt a lot of Samba, so I though this was a good chance to get myself more familiar with this hot Brazilian dance. Started off with some core strength and hips technique training, samba walk, criss-cross volta, bota fogo...

I find Samba a really captivating dance, very special in many ways. Firstly, it moves around the place a lot more than the other latin genres, and Samba is danced in an anti-clockwise manner. Secondly, the ladies are always on the outer circle, and the men in the inner circle. Many a time, the men are to be sort of a 'shadow' to the ladies. Thirdly, Samba needs nicely executed hips and stomach motions to bring out the personality of the dance, which I think is pretty similar to stomach churning.

And the stomach churning thingy din't do good to me as I had a heavy lunch, and after Samba-ing for half an hour or so, I seriously felt waves of nausea in every move I made. Thank God I actually managed to hold it all back and continued dancing for more than an hour, till the end of the lesson. But I looked really green in the face after all that.

Lesson learnt --- Never eat too much before dancing Samba. This is serious advice. You won't wanna puke all over the dancefloor!

Borrowed the latin clothes from Sifu. 4 similar tops, hand-made. They look nice to me, the four different striking colours on the same black base, complete with soft-flowing ruffles. But the tops were bareback, bare-tummy, bare shoulders... pretty bare all in all. I'm worried no one would dare to wear it... T.T Just hope I could gather enough dancers and train them in time for the coming CNY performance in IMU. It's just about three weeks away from now, and so far, Wei Jin and I hadn't had much preparations done yet, mostly due to Summative 1 & then the sem break in the way. But we decided we'd do some simple group Latin instead, so IMU folks, anyone interested?

*******

As for Ballroom, we finally got to proceed in our Waltz, doing whisks and chasses. But still, a lot of practice was required to get a hang out of it all. And did I tell you? I got myself a new pair of ballroom shoes! It was 2-inches heeled, closed-toed, gold, and made of soft materials. I love the glitter gold fire-tongue-like design at the back, giving a slight touch of glamour to the demureness of the shoes. And these shoes were softer than Latin's, so I got away from the night with only a blister near my soles, not bloody cut-lines. ^_^

*******

Packed for Genting and managed to catch episode 5 of SYTYCD Season 6. This season seems better than the previous, and the dancers seems more talented than ever. And most of the talents were much younger too, most of the good ones only just turned 18. Wow. And one thing I notice about auditions, the judges like to put great ballroom or contemporary dancers straight through to Vegas, but they hold back on great hip-hopers or dancers of other genres. Maybe they have doubts on the latter's versatility... I'm not sure.

I guess if I ever entered SYTYCD USA, I won't even get pass audition. Nigel wouldn't even let me dance for more than one minute. And the best thing Mary can say will be: "You're just not strong enough for this competition... I'm sorry. But keep working hard, and thank you for coming...!"

Lesson learnt --- As a dancer, grow in what you do, and try to be more versatile. I realized that I am sadly, not at all a versatile dancer, judging from the hard time I have going through adapting to Ballroom. As Raymond always say, " I DON'T WANT YOUR LATIN STYLE!!! THIS IS BALLROOM, NOT LATIN!!!" These days, I'd come to realize that on this journey, there are still loads I need to improve on. It never fails to amaze me, how there is such a wide horizon to dance, how there are such heights I am yet to explore... so much more.

If this journey has stages, then I'm an infant; new, amazed, excited but afraid. Would I ever be the strong, confident adult I would so wish to be?
I don't know.
But I'll grow.

And we'll see. ^_^

Genting tomorrow! Can't wait,
Christine

Day 74 - Dance Diary Part 2 - Of Heels and Toes

2010-01-17T16:15:00.006+08:00

It had been two weeks since I ventured into my new-found dance field, and still, I'm so very unfamiliar with all the mechanisms, or techniques, as we call them. And boy, my pace at picking up Ballroom techniques is ten times slower than Latin, so I ended up still stuck in doing the basics after these whole two weeks. *Sigh... I fail...* T.T

There is one major difference in Latin and Ballroom --- Latin's always on pointe, while Ballroom needs to heel and toe. As a Latin dancer from the start, I admit it's pretty hard to assimilate the heel toe thingy into my steps. Very often, my Latin instinct/muscle memory/nature whatever-you-call-it takes over, and I move forward on pointe instead, earning me more scoldings from my new teacher, Raymond or his partner, Marie.

Raymond is very strict when it comes to dancing, he never hesitates to scold us sternly whenever we did mistakes or were just not up to par on the techniques. He even hits our arms and legs if we were to place them in a wrong position or moved them incorrectly. Harsh training, but I know it was all for our own good. I don't mind it one bit, it really pushed me. And what motivated me more to push myself on even when I was darn tired, even when I made so many mistakes over and over again that I wish to just give up and rest... was what he said at the end of a lesson: " You are one who can dance, that is why I wanted you to do the steps & techniques perfectly. If it's for someone who isn't really a dancer, just steps will do enough for them..."

And so I got up and tried again and again, ignoring the way my Latin shoes were carving bloody lines on my flesh, as I struggle to support myself well "the Ballroom way" in them. Truth is, it isn't advisable at all to dance Ballroom in Latin shoes, as the Latin heels were higher, which means less support as well as difficult rise and fall for Waltz. And the open-toe structure would mean gliding on your toes instead of in your shoes. *No wonder my toes were traumatized at the end of each lesson...sigh*

Note to self: Should get myself a pair of Ballroom shoes asap! (I'm not going to give up on Ballroom, will continue learning it, so yea, Ballroom shoes are essential for me.)

*******

Unlike the stressed, highly driven Ballroom classes, Latin classes were high-spirited and just, full of fun and energy. One thing about Sifu, she's one of the most adorable teacher I had ever met, really bubbly most of the time. And I think the bubbliness is one thing I learnt from her too, aside dancing. Lolx... We could talk about almost everything, and very often, we would send each other laughing all the way on the car to the studio, through lessons, and back home. And as dear Chin Yaw got more familiar around her, it became us three sitting around after class, cooling down in the studio and chatting away.

Well, it might sound like all fun and non-serious learning, but don't get me wrong, it's still a huge amount of learning, plus sweat and blood and a lot of effort. Latin classes were never a breeze, though I find them much more in my comfort zone compared to Ballroom. Over the past 2 weeks, we had got through an intermediate chacha routine, with a split specially choreographed for me, but which I couldn't execute well as I lost my split to Summative 1 in IMU... *long story* Anyway, it was later replaced with some other move. Samba was next, beginner's steps, techniques included. And Samba techniques sure isn't taufu.

Still a lot to work on --- fluidity of executing the routines, interaction with partner, my still-sucky spins, timing, my Cuban Break... and imma determined to regain my split. (Sifu thinks I'm cheating her about doing the 4 splits in cheerleading...grrr...)

I got till next week. Gotta practise my feet off. =p

P/S: Got to visit Sifu's newly-renovated third floor of her studio... (remember the dark-dusty-abandoned-ju-on-hideout-like 3rd floor I mentioned in my previous post? You can check it out HERE...) She cleaned and renovated most of it herself! Unbelievable! So she earned herself another 'title' --- renovation worker, on top of all her previous 'titles' --- dancer, adjudicator, teacher, costume designer, artist, children caretaker, driver... *Simply awesome!*

Gute Nacht,
Christine

Day 67 - Dance Diary Part 1 - Of Latin and Ballroom

2010-01-10T14:33:00.006+08:00

Phew, a week had passed since I left IMU to indulge in this wonderful holiday... *hmmm*

A weekful of yummy Ipoh food! (Fattening, but ahh, worth it, for food like these! =p)
A weekful of luxurious 10-hours-per-day sleep! (Srsly, I sleep like a pig nowadays)
A weekful of not touching any academic related stuff! (COP included...T.T)

What's more, a weekful of INTENSIVE DANCING!!! As in intensive, I don't mean 24/7, but still for one like me who am dance-deprived for half a year, three times a week IS intensive! And I only mean lessons... (not including the hours of practise at home =p)

Important announcement: I'm taking up BALLROOM for the 1st time in my life this holiday!!! (totally hyped-out....OMG.... *dancing crazily around the room* )

No more just chacha, rumba, samba & jive for me... now there's tango and waltz too!!! More to come I hope! Weeeeee!!!!!!! TANGO!!! Oh my, I had been wanting to dance that for soooooo soooo long!

Thanks to you Chin Yaw for being willing to be my partner!!! Yes, I have a partner!!! (Not permanant since he's leaving to NZ again soon...sob...) but still, God knows how much I appreciate it, you know! Considering that you ain't really into dancing & how a noob I am especially in ballroom! T.T

It tires me out pretty much, the amount of learning & even more, practice; and Ballroom proves to be hard, much harder than I thought... And especially when you have a new teacher who's a perfectionist till the very detailed. Si, I have a new teacher (and his partner too) to teach us Ballroom as Sifu doesn't have that much time to teach me both Latin and Ballroom... (not that much of energy too, considering that I am a pretty difficult student...nyek nyek...)

Anyway, this post is to be continued, as I'm uber tired now & gotta get some rest... (the time below is wrong, fyi... it's AM, not PM) So... ciao for now!

P/S: Details to come! A little insight, it'll be about 'some stories', theories & techniques, my new teacher, and my dear old Sifu!!! (How nice to see her again! I do miss her so...! What's more, she's still prettier than ever!)

Nitey-nitezzzzZZ,
Christine

Day 63 - God sustains

2010-01-06T23:59:00.011+08:00

It had been a long day for me. And again, I was in a hospital.

I had never liked the hospital. It always intimidates me. The moment you enter it's vicinity, you'll see gloomy faces, weak frail people, worried-looking family members, grim-faced staff and doctors... all scrruying past, to wherever they are heading. Not a welcoming sight to behold, for sure.

Sometimes, I think hospitals are like battlefields. It is where everyone is fighting. It is where death is nearest. It is where sorrow, fear and tension always hung, like a huge grey cloud above...

And no, I don't like it.

But then again, who does?

It's scary, lying on the cold bed; I know.
It's scary, lying helpless when people prick and prode you with needles and all; I know.
It's scary, sitting on the benches, awaiting medical reports; I know.
It's scary, just wondering what they will do to you next; I know.

But sometimes, life doesn't give you much of a choice, does it? I've known, from when I first went under the knife, at six years old. Tumour in the eye, I was told. Then, I knew what a tumour was at six. Heart murmur, at seven. And all that preceeds--- mitral valve prolapse, ultrasound tests, echocardiograms, electrocardiograms... I remember the cool gel the doctor applied over my chest, and the wand-like thing he ran over my skin. I guess it took a pretty long time for the doctors to come to a diagnosis and treatment plans. A couple of years maybe. For that was how long I had been in and out of hospitals, meeting doctor after doctor.

I remember a doctor mentioning something about a balloon once, angioplasty balloon, to be exact. But at that age, the only balloon I knew was the big colourful ones we used to play with. And for long after that, I had a hard time imagining how a balloon as such could be inserted right up to my heart, through my wrist. But how it was done, I never got to know, for I never got the balloon inserted anyway. Not that I wanted it too.

Truth is, there is nothing much to be done about MVP, it doesn't affect you much, I was told.

Still, illnesses often have a way of reminding you that you are afterall, not completely normal. Such as the large doses of antibiotics you need to take before every dentist visit or surgery. Why mummy would never let you play much sports. Why you could never run as long and fast as the other kids cause you get breathless easily. And why you could never drink coffee for it causes hours of palpitation that could leave your whole chest paralysed...

On top of that all, eczema clung to me, however badly I wanted to shake it off. Anti-histamines, protopic cream... even steroids, I used all through the years. But it kept coming back to me.

And again, all that the doctors say was, there is nothing much to be done about it.

I learnt that when nothing else could do anything to help me, in Him alone, I have my only hope. For everytime my body fails me, I pray to Him, for healing grace. For everytime I recovered, I give thanks to Him, for healing grace. He is the one who is always there for me, to help me live through it all. Never abandoned me as the doctors did. Never abandoned me as I myself did.

He sustains me, all the while.
God sustains me, through it all. :)

With a thankful heart,
Christine

Day 59 - Solamente si tú sabíendo...

2010-01-03T23:49:00.010+08:00

"At times,
I feel as though I am something just next to wind.
Sometimes,
I think I am something no more than dust."

My voice,
silenced volition, to the loudness of your pride.
My love,
dimming glow, to the brightness of your light.
My pace,
baby steps, to the speediness of your stride.

How am I ever gonna keep up?

Sometimes,
I feel as though this is like
A masquerade for you, a massacre for me...
I'm dying, over and over again
before your mask of coldness.

How am I ever gonna survive?

And still again, this night,
you haunt my dreams with the air of a master,
And still I am, this day,
waking up with tears streaming,
all from this gaping hole of loss.

Credits: Afaust

How am I gonna mend it?

And it's all about you, all about you...

"en los que tú me decías,
ya juntos toda la vida;
pues para mi, la vida no es vida,
si tú no estás junto a mí..."

If only you knew...
Christine

Day 50 - This Christmas

2009-12-25T16:10:00.004+08:00

It's Christmas today, and I'm far away from home.

This year, Christmas is special. I had to spend it studying; instead of the usual carollings, open houses, parties and church. What a way to celebrate Christmas... sigh... and what's more, I'm away from home, away from all my loved ones.

And now, what are the types of hypothalamic hormones and their functions?

It could make me feel like breaking down any moment...

Pathetic as it could sound like, I am not alone. There are many out there, suffering the same fate as mine. And that made me feel not as lonely afterall.

No, actually I am not celebrating Christmas alone either. I have you, I have all your wishes, and most of all, I have God with me. ^_^

Thank you for the countdown. Thank you for the Christmas morning, it made the rest of my day. Ever got the feeling that the sunshine of the morning could last you even long after night falls?
Thank God for all the warm wishes, it gave me a taste of Christmas all the same, even when I am confined to my cell-like room, held by my own volition, with never-ending notes to study...
Thank God for my beautiful new dance shoes sent right up my doorsteps, just the nicest Christmas gift I could ever ask for myself.

Just that sometimes, I wish I could spend this Christmas closer to you, Father. And I'm sorry, just so so sorry that I didn't.

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it,
when it's all about you, it's all about you, Jesus...

But still, a blessed Christmas this is, afterall. Thank God for good health, lifted spirits and renewed faith...

Thank you Lord. Thank you for Christmas.

P/S: To you, if you might ever drop by; there might be times you'll fall, might be times you'll feel afraid of what the future might behold... but remember that there is always hope in God!!! And His is the only hope that never fails us. So we both give our best try k? And see where God brings us. Trust me, it'll be good. All will be well in the end. For God is good. Amen!

Day 36 - Sick

2009-12-11T13:19:00.003+08:00

It sucks being sick. But that is what I am now.

It all started yesterday. Started off with fever, around afternoon. It didn't get any better at night. And I had sort of a sore throat, and flu symptoms starting up too. I was cold and freezing in the library, even with my sweater and lab coat on. I didn't feel warmer even when I went out of the library. And my temperature kept on rising. My body was hot as fire, but I felt cold as ice. Pretty torturing, to tell the truth. And worse still, I didn't have the strength to walk back to my Vista. My whole body was aching, my head throbbing and my chest paralyzed. On top of all that, I couldn't think straight. It was as though my brain wasn't functioning, and I was talking unconsciously. Seriously, I felt like dying, and it scares me. When I finally managed to get back home, I fell on my bed right away, shivering under my covers, I fell asleep.

Woke up this morning, sweating all over. I felt much better, my high fever had subsided. Just when I thought I am going to be alright, the nightmare came. I coughed and sneezed, and out came bloody sputum. I coughed a few more times, and out came more blood. T.T Heck, coughing up blood wasn't a good sign at all. I went to the toilet, and another nightmare struck me. There was blood in my urine too.

What now? I felt like a terminally ill patient. Gosh, would I die? Yes, seriously thoughts of dying filled my mind. You might say I am just too young and all, but truth is, I never thought of dying as something THAT far away as you all might say. For one, it could happen anytime...

Not that I am ready to die yet, though.

I was rushed to the clinic by my friend right after lectures. According to the doctor, I coincidently had cough, flu, and urinary tract infection. (UTI.. it's either that, or something worse... like... kidney problem... I dun wanna think about that... brrr.....) So he gave me a whole load of medicine, antibiotics too; and if I hadn't gotten better by Monday, I'll be subjected to further diagnosis. Whoa, that doesn't sound good at all. Hope that wouldn't happen to me. To be seeing the doctor once is bad enough, I don't want to end up revisiting him again and again. Please no...

And now, amongst all those worries and illness, I still had to study for my upcoming summatives. But then again, I don't think I could manage to study any good today, all that medicine is making me a little restless and drowsy... Think I'll take a short nap... maybe......... now....................

zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ....

P/S: Dear Father, is this my time? If it isn't, please heal me, grant me good health I pray. But if it is, O Lord, may I die a peaceful death. Then dear Lord, I pray that you would take me to heaven, to live with thee there... Whichever way it is, I succumb my all into your hands, and go where you would lead me to. Amen.

One Voice

2009-11-29T15:33:00.003+08:00

Been pretty long I hadn't read the news. And as I flipped through a copy of NST in the lounge today, it is still as depressing as newspapers used to be. How many happy faces could you count in the papers? Maybe none except those of the celebrities on the entertainment section...

Political squabbles still going on; along with backstabbing and verbal wars. People killing and people dying--- Man found mutilated... Police seek 6 men in rape case... Boy drowns, another missing... Pilgrimage centres turn into sex hubs... scandal-tainted chief detective replaced...

It's too distressing to continue reading anymore. It reminds me of a line out of Billy Gilman's song - "And mum won't watch the news at night, there is too much stuff that's making her cry..."

Sometimes I wonder what had become of the world now.
We are seriously in need of salvation, O merciful Lord... A thousand prayers, a million words, will this one voice be heard?

It's raining outside. And I wish you a safe journey home. I wish I could go home too. It's been so long since I went back, and seriously I miss home. Guess I need to take a break and go home, just to rest and refresh my mind. Take a break, from all the weariness of life here. From all that weighs me down for all this time. And again, there's really no place like home...

The day before, I went out to some shopping mall. While queuing up to buy food, I had the time to observe the people around me. There was this scene I just couldn't erase from my mind: A richly dressed couple and a young boy came out of a toy shop, the boy happily holding a plastic bag containing a large Transformer toy. Not far from them, there was another boy, maybe a year or two older than him, staring admiringly back and forth from the shop to the kid with the new toy, before his mother came and hurried him away. He obeyed in silence, strange enough for a longing kid in front of a shop full of tempting toys. Judging from the way they dressed, I guess they were not really well off. What that I could never forget was the look on the boy's face when he took a last glance back again, as he was dragged off. There was something in his eyes that struck me hard, the sad disappointment and helpless understanding.

It brought me back to when I was young, and there was this big expensive toy dog in a shop window, one that I had always wanted but my parents wouldn't afford to buy. And one day I went to a classmate's house, and she has an exact same one, sitting on her big big bed.

It was those times that you couldn't help feeling sad and frustrated with the life that you had.

Some kids have and some kids don't, and some of us are wondering why...

Over the years, while tasting the bitterness of poverty, I had learnt to get used to lots of circumstances of not having what other kids have. But as learning goes, it was not always that easy. There were times when my parents had to give me a good spank to stop me from demanding. And over the course of time, I learnt to keep my mouth shut, and all my feelings to myself. Now that I think of it, I wonder if it was a good way for a child to grow. But still, I'm not going to complain of who I am made into today. At least, those were some experience not other kids could have.

And this time around, I've got something that they don't.

What's more, I learnt to appreciate and give thanks for every little thing that I have in life, maybe much more than them. For every little thing, I see them as a great blessing from God.

And indeed, I'll feel blessed.

Day 15 - Lord, You Amaze Me...

2009-11-21T17:38:00.011+08:00

It had always been my childhood dream to be able to play piano. I remember when I was five or six, my dad had this Richard Clayderman’s album that he used to play every evening on the stereo. I will wake up from my afternoon nap to sit by his side, silently in awe of the beauty of the music. “Chariots of Fire” was one of my favorites. And for long enough, I had wished and wished to be able to play like that one day. But sadly for all these years, much as the dream still stays alive in me, circumstances fail me.

For one, I grew up in a small village in Perak. At that time, there were no academies or teachers whatsoever to offer piano lessons. Maybe there were, but I guess not at an affordable price. You see, my family wasn’t pretty well-off then; piano lessons were just too much a splurge. And getting the piano itself posed a bigger problem. How could I ever ask my dad to get me a piano which costs at least a few thousands, gosh, that’ll be almost half a year worth of his salary! The last thing I wanted was for our entire family to be eating grass by the piano set.

So instead, my childhood years were spent running among paddy fields, climbing trees, rolling and falling down in the mud, catching tadpoles... typical lifestyle of a country kid. Not that I regretted living my childhood years the way I did. I did have lots and lots of great times. It was all still, some experience I wouldn't want to trade for anything else in the world.

Just that sometimes, when everyone else around me were grade 8 pianists, degree violinists, experienced gymnasts, ballet dancers... I'll wish that I could have been more productive. What am I? Professional tree-climber? You'll be laughing at me.

So I was, still waiting for chances to come; by then which I was twelve and moved to Ipoh. Ipoh was so much different, so many more chances, it had everything I wanted. Happily I approached my parents to send me to piano classes. But God always has His way of telling me subtly that my chance wasn’t to come just yet. The same old reasons, too expensive, and another new reason, I had to focus on my studies. They kept telling me I was too old to learn, and dejectedly, I didn't press on the topic ever again. Truth is, when my parents said no, they meant it.

It was after SPM in 2006 that I dared to voice my wish again. This time around, my parents finally agreed. Seriously I was overjoyed, but disappointment followed soon after. The schools rejected me. Apparently they said I was too old (wth…), and they said I had to have constant lessons and practices, which I couldn’t fulfill, since I would be leaving for my college in Shah Alam two months after. I had no choice really, but to abandon my dream for the third time.

I was sad and dejected, but God was good to me. One night I had this intriguing dream. In my dream I was in a vast space, something that resembled an open air warehouse, but with smooth white floorings. In the distance, there was a silhouette of a girl, playing gracefully on a piano. The melody was so beautiful, as if in a trance, I started walking towards her. But strangely, no matter how long I walked, the distance never got any nearer. In the end, I grew tired and fell to my knees, weeping softly. Then I heard His soothing voice telling me:” Do not distress, girl, for I have greater plans for you. Remember to be patient, and you’ll see light at the end of every darkness. Come to me now, and I will guide your way…” I turned around and saw my reflection on a big mirror that appeared out of nowhere. The last thing I saw before I woke up, was my own smile reflected there on the mirror.

It was not long after when I stumbled upon my first dance lesson. It all happened when one day, a friend and I suddenly came up with the topic on activities to fill up our time; and she casually mentioned that she had actually attended latin dance classes at one of the studios nearby when she was younger, but she quit about 2 months later. It was then when a light struck on me. Why had this never crossed my mind before, for all these time? Truth is, I had always loved dancing too. I used to love watching dance performances and being in dance performances throughout my life. I guess I was too obssessed with learning piano than to think about anything else all along.

Latin dance, well, it sounds interesting! Why not give it a try? With only a vague idea of what latin dance is, I phoned up the studio, (asking lots of stupid questions) and enrolled myself in the beginner's cha cha class. I fumbled my way to the studio, up the stairs, and all through the registration procedures; still pretty doubtful if I made the right choice to come, especially when this decision wasn't in my parent's consent in the first place. But God cleared all my doubts, for the moment I started learning my first chasse, I fell deeply in love with it. Somehow I knew it was His plan for me. And seriously, I couldn't have been more grateful to Him for it. For after all the waitings, the dissapointments, fallen hopes and dreams; I finally found what I had always wanted, although it wasn't any of my initial plan. But His plans for me is even better than the ones I had for myself. Praise the Lord!

Neways, deep down, there's still this silent desire of at least, knowing how to play the piano. But this time around, I learnt to wait patiently for my chance to come. I believe that He will send me a signal. Maybe one day, there'll be someone who comes along, patiently willing to teach me. Maybe one day, I might even learn how to play it all on my own. Who knows? Afterall, He has His amazing ways in everything. I just gotta have faith in Him.

Yes Lord, you never fail to amaze me.

Thank you Lord.

I love you Lord.

Day 9 - Letter To A Friend

2009-11-19T02:05:00.003+08:00

It's still cold here. Inside and out. I don't know why it never leaves me, not since... I don't even remember when it was. But it certainly felt like ages ago.

There is no warmth. Even more since he left. And now I'm freezing, even with my thick cardigan on. Even with food and hot drinks. And I think I know why. I miss your warm smile. How long had I not seen it? Three weeks? Or maybe a month? Guess it had been long.

You see, in your smile, I can always find secureness, warmth and comfort.
When I was down, you smiled. And it lifted me up again.
When I cried, you smiled. And strangely enough, it eased my tears much better than words of comfort.
When I though I couldn't do it, you smiled. And it renewed my strength and confidence.

Yes. Your smile could always light up my day.
But you wouldn't know; and I never told you.

I just can't figure out why, but you sure seems to have changed, again. Over the years I'd known you, I saw your changes throughout, even when there used to be many months before we meet each other again. I was always your friend in distance and in silence, was never close, rarely hanged out with you. Sometimes I wonder if this could even be considered friendship. But regardless of whether you take me as your friend or not, you are still, always mine. =p

Always the silent observer;
but just so you know, if you were ever in need or in distress, I would always be there for you, always willing to offer you whatever mere help I am capable of giving.

These days, I wonder if you were bothered by any problems, but never dared to ask. You see, as much as I treasure you as a really nice friend, I am still, at times afraid of you. I don't know if it's because of your seriousness, your coldness, or the imbalance; or because of that unseen barrier between us or because there's just so much more of you that I don't understand yet... sometimes it's just so uneasy that I couldn't bring myself to look at you anymore.

There were times when you were just so cold, and I am just so afraid. Though deep down, I know that you are still the nice, caring individual that had helped me through so much. That was why many a time when I just sensed that something was bothering you, and though my heart was concerned, never did I dare to go any nearer to you. Sorry.

Instead, I just stayed in the distance, silently praying for you. For God to guide you in His light, for God to give you strength to pull through, for God to help you and settle all the worries in your heart, which ways I couldn't. For He can do much more than me. And you'll need Him much more than me.

Do take care. I hope everything's gonna be alright for you. And the next time I see you around here, I wish I can see your warm smile again...

Regards,
Christine

Day 3 - Breathe

2009-11-13T00:02:00.003+08:00

Will be leaving for the hike in 16 hours time. Am pretty thrilled but nervous as well. But to be frank, I'm really looking forward to it... finally something that I might actually get to enjoy and get a break off everything that's weighing me down recently. And our illnesses are finally recovering. I know God had been good to us. Thank you Lord! I pray that He'll continue seeing everyone of us through...

May there be more of joy and less of tears from now on...
I'll update about the hike when I get back. Till then.

Leaving,
Christine

Day 1 - Barely Surviving

2009-11-11T00:41:00.005+08:00

It sure as hell hurts. And I just couldn't act like it doesn't. Apparently, many a time, these stubborn tears tend to give me away. It's a good thing you didn't see them, for I looked away everytime you caught my eyes. Sorry if I might seem rude, I just wanted to hide my pathetic tear-filled eyes. Just hope you'll understand.

I'm sick. It's already been a week but I just didn't seem to recover, nor get any better. And the major hike is coming soon. Yes, I'm going to the hike. Think I need a good break, to get my mind off everything, to rest this wounded heart, and to... just breathe. Yeah, I need to breathe. And maybe... just maybe, even have some fun too. All these had been suffocating me for so long. Only 2 more days to go. I pray hard that I'll be fine by then. You too.

She kept asking me to go back to my unit, since I can't really study in the library either. But I couldn't find a reason to go back, not anymore. I'd prefer to stay in IMU, where it'll be less lonely with people around. At least I won't cry that much. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, waking up the next morning to put on the smile that is nothing more than a mask to me now. One which at times, could even be too much for this weary heart of mine to carry.

Sometimes I wonder, if I could ever really smile again; when happiness just seems so far away...

Deeply hurt,
Christine

For One More Day

2009-11-08T00:51:00.006+08:00

Changes; circumstances. And the latter just wasn't convincing enough to help me cope. So much that had happened over the past month, and frankly, I still hadn't got past it all. I wonder if everything would still be the same as this if I hadn't went home that faithful night? Sometimes life is so much about choices; and I made my choice. For what you said was true, the way things are heading, sometimes it's just best to let go. So long had I been hanging on, so long had I been giving everything, just not giving up. So long had this heart of mine been forced to break, over and over again... I was tired. But there was a greater reason, I know I musn't hold you back from your journey if you've decided to move on, and most importantly, to seek God again.

So I let you go. It sure hurts like hell, but in a way, I'm glad. I'm glad that you actually willed to renew your relationship with Him, though you'll be ending yours with mine. I'm glad from now on, you'll review your priorities; to place Him above me, and above all else. Yes, for this time, I could actually comprehend. No longer the dummy I was, I guess you are going to be proud of me this time. ^_^

At times, I still wonder if my choice was right. I wonder if you were right, saying that I'll be better off without this. You see, now that everything's over; I'm still as weary as ever, if not wearier. I still didn't feel any better, if not worse. I don't break anymore, I'm shattered.

Truth is, it's never easy. Especially for one like me who always suck at saying goodbye. No longer could I count the tears that I shed, no longer could I count the times I had to run to the toilet or hide myself somewhere and cry. So forgive me if I had to get up and run away at times, for the last thing I wanted is for you to see my tears again.

At times I really don't know how long it would take for the tears to dry.
At times I really think that this could actually kill me.
At times I really think that I would just die and live no more...

Yes, there are always times like these.

Why oh why would I always feel so helpless?
Helpless, bounded by the threads of sorrow.
Helpless, no longer able to control the tears from falling.
Helpless, just because I felt helpless...

Sometimes, I just don't know if I could ever really smile again. I can go running & hiking with my friends, I can enjoy a dance or two with my partner, I can laugh at lame jokes you made... At times like these, I though I could actually lighten up, and maybe move on with life; but yet, the truth is, I still couldn't. There's this large hole you left in my heart, which could never seem to heal completely. Not with staying late in the library where I won't feel confined and alone. Not with drowning myself in all the work I can find. Not with studying but actually not digesting anything. Not with laughing, and playing with my friends. Not with dancing or singing or running or playing pool...

Maybe I need more time. Maybe I need more prayers. Maybe I need God's strength to make me stronger.

Father, I pray you'll see me through, just as you always did.

Father, you're my only hope, all that's left for me now.

Father, please help me survive this, at least, for every one more day...?

Hear the pleas of your child in despair, dear Father.
And... Amen.

A Prayer for Strength and Acceptance

2009-10-24T23:12:00.007+08:00

To you,

I wish I were like you, talent-fully playing your mesmerizing music, not the clumsy girl struggling with her footwork.

I wish I were like you, looked up upon with admiration, not the invisible, insignificant wallflower.

I wish I were like you, louder, voicing yourself to where people would listen.

I wish I were like you, steadier, just the phlegmatic person I'd so wanted to be.

I wish I were like you, smarter, so as to reason the way I couldn't.

I wish I were like you, stronger, so as to stand up to what you believe.

I wish I were like you, sharper, clear of all your directions and purposes.

I wish I were like you, braver, much more capable.

I wish I were like you, less dependent, more dependable...

Very often, I'd just wished to be better than what I am now.

You'd always tell me that you could deal with things perfectly well yourself. And yes, you normally always do. Sometimes, you seems just so fearless, like you're not scared of anything at all. The strong sense of secureness I find in you, is what so often made me so in awe.

You see, in many ways, I too, wished that I could make it on my own. But when things just never turn out right, when problems just couldn't cease to arise, I lose faith and sadly to admit, I start feeling frustrated of myself. To be frank, I was never contented with myself.

**************************

Dear Lord, I'm so so sorry. Forgive me for times like this when I hate myself so much, even when I know so well that I shouldn't. Forgive me for being so childish, so unappreciative, so foolishly adamant. After all I am your creation, O Lord; I am your child. And I know that you'll still love me just the way I am.

So Lord, at times like these, teach me not to complain of what you did not make me into, but instead, give thanks for what you made me into. Shine your light on me and in me dear Lord, widen my narrow perspective and capacity, show me that I can still work your glory with this mere self that I am.

In days to come, grant that I may seek not so much of everyone else's acceptance but yours, Father Lord. No, it's not that I will not change; yes, I shall learn to improve on where I am lack in. Just that this time around Lord, I will change for you and your favor; not into whatever stereotype that others willed me to be. I simply want to grow in your very own special mould for me, for I know that's what my best is to be.

Here is my thought, this is my plea, I just want to come to you now dear Lord, and surrender myself to you whole and whole. And I pray that you will bring the best out of me. That in all I am, and all I do, it will be glorifying to your name. Grant me strength, perseverance, directions, courage, and confidence; for every part of me which are in the dark, guide them to your shining path. I pray that in this newness of life, you'll open up my eyes and let me see just what I am capable of, Lord. Now and forever, make me your instrument to play your wonderful music.

Lord, sustain me by your mercy and grace, in your name I pray,

Amen.

Far Away...

2009-10-11T20:39:00.008+08:00

I wonder how helpless is like?

When you're a child lost in the shopping mall and couldn't find your mummy, helpless?
When you're stuck in a traffic jam with only a minute to go before your interview, helpless?
When you're watching a patient dying of final stage cancer, helpless?

I'm standing here still, unmoving. Watching the world crumble and crash around me, but I couldn't do anything. Helpless?

Sometimes, it feels like I'm hanging on when everything around me is tumbling down.
How long could I hold on till I fall?
How long could I stand till I break?

Save me, Father.

*******

Where am I? This isn't where I intended to be.
Where are you? You are further and further away from my reach.
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move...
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

I couldn't stay this way forever. I'm tired. Pretty darn tired.

Help me, Father.

Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career,
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns...
Well, maybe next year.

Somehow or rather, I'm gonna find my way. Gonna stay strong.

Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hands,
I'd give it all, I'd give for us, give anything but I won't give up...

So grant me strength, Father.

Amen.

*******

I love you, I have loved you all along,
And I miss you, been far away for far too long,
I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go,
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore.

Not leaving, hold on to me and never let me go...

On Love and Forgiveness

2009-09-23T17:55:00.010+08:00

Forgiveness, I’m still in the learning process of this subject these days. Seriously it proves to be a thousand times harder than all the medical books added together. Expected. It is actually always the same thing over and over again, but funny enough, it only gets harder and harder each time I had to face it.

I forgave, for all the times you apologize.

I forgave, for all the times you made me cry.

I forgave, for all the hurting.

I forgave, for all the waiting.

I forgave, for almost everything.

Yes, I do have a big heart. Never really bitched about anyone, anything, never really breathed much of a complain. So is it that this heart of mine is to be broken without fear or guilt? I don't understand.

I can't seems to understand anything now. Not even you, not even myself. I think I know this feeling. It felt like back then. Back to when I once penned down a post, two years ago. And true enough, when I reread it, it actually made sense. It actually made impact. And I am afraid.

"Forgive me for my ignorance, so as for my quietness, my lack of conversation at all times. Most of the time, it's just that I don't understand. It's just that I have nothing to say. Sorry. There were times when every one of you seems like a stranger to me, so familiar & yet, so unfamiliar. I can't juggle too much of these feelings, so I’m used to keeping everything to myself. Keeping everything in silence. I hide myself beneath a mask of what you see of me now. There are two sides of me---the part where I want to shout it all out, & the part where I just want to shut myself up & cry. I kept both to myself, & created one for you. One that you are so familiar with. So there. Please call me FAKE. For I too, no longer know who I am."

You see, when I can't see myself, it is then I know that deep down I'm hiding. Back under the cold mask of which took me so long to rid of, over the years. That's my problem. I hide when reality grows ugly, I run away and pretend like nothing had ever happened. I had became so good that I can even manage to convince myself. And I'm still jumping around, fooling and laughing like a carefree, happy girl.

It’s farce, I know. The realness I’m faking is making me disgusted of myself.

**********

I need to forgive and forget. If that ain't possible, I know that I'll be leaving soon. And that last resort is something I really wouldn't want to do. For one thing, I suck at saying goodbye.

I'll break, somehow or rather.

**********

So I turned to God for inspirations.
I prayed hard, and as though He lit a light in me, I suddenly remembered something in a book of my friend's that I had actually flipped through while waiting for CA to start, almost a year ago. It was this book, Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris, discussing how biblical courtship worked for him and his wife, Shannon. There was this one part which lingered in my thoughts for long. When your past comes knocking, was the catchy title. It was a story based on real experiences.

It was a day, months after starting their relationship, when they decided to open up to each other. Went that in her younger days, Shannon hadn’t fully led a life of God’s consent. Apparently many a time, she had let her feelings and desire take over her spiritual conscience. To be more straightforward, she had committed sexual sins with her boyfriends in the past… and the story goes...

Anyhow, the issue there is, how you can face past sins (in this context, sexual sins) and experience God’s forgiveness.

The book illustrates Joshua’s struggle between forgiving and leaving. Yes, it is never easy to forgive. Especially when it concerns someone that you love, someone whom you care about so much, whose even a single word or a single glance would you hold ever so dearly in your palms. Sometimes, things are always easier said than done. Which is why many a time, when truths are revealed, relationships shatter.

But God is ever-forgiving.

It was said in the book:

1. Because of the Cross, you can absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your past sin.

2. Because of the Cross, you can confess your past sin to your loved one, even when you have to risk losing him/her forever.

3. Because of the Cross, you can forgive the past sin of another person.

There is no sin that is beyond the scope of God’s forgiveness, as long as you truly repent. Yes, God is THAT forgiving. Praise the Lord!

So I guess the point is, (just in my way of thinking) when you reflect on it, God forgives, and you too, gotta learn to forgive. For by forgiving those who sins against you, you are following God’s footsteps. But the process might take long. This is when prayers are really essential. When you are weak but still gotta struggle, with feelings to juggle, prayers do help a lot. You can open up to Lord, all your hurt and distress, all your struggles and pain, and He always understands.

And so I will.

***********

It's hard to forgive sometimes, dear Father.

It's hard to move on, dear Father.

There will still be scars even if it's mended, Father.

There will still be thorns in my heart, Father.

There'll be times it still hurts, and tears might still fall, Father.

I am still just human, there are loads I might not be able to bear, Father.

Help me, Father. Help me through, I pray.

Hear me, Father. Hold me strong.

Amen.

************

Guess I need time to re-evaluate.

Lord, shine your light on me, shine it so I can see which way to take. Either way, I'll lay my fate fully on your hands, dear Lord. For you are the almighty God who loves us so, & my only hope you are.

Am still praying hard.

Orientation @ IMU

2009-09-20T12:45:00.041+08:00

Disclaimer : Long post ahead.
Warning : Might cause discomfort of eyes and neck pain.
Note: Make sure you are in a comfortable position and have ample time on hand before proceeding to read this post.

So I had got through my 2-week-long orientation and 2 weeks of lecture too; no worries, I'm still alive & breathing. Thank God.

Orientation wasn't as nightmarish as what I heard from the seniors. Wasn't at all torturing, in fact, I thought it was real FUN. But I'm sure the new friends & wonderful OOs I met definitely contributed loads to the joy of orientation. Kudos to the orientation committee too, who'd all worked so hard to make it a success. Just so you know, the effort you guys put into this wonderful orientation is greatly appreciated by us. Salud.

It'll be yards long if I were to ever blog on everything about orientation, so I'll just touch on the tip of the iceberg for every event throughout the weeks, and let the pictures explain the rest.

First, the ice-breakers. Srsly we were DRENCHED! With water, soya sauce, eggs, flour, ink... But it was fun and whats more, my beloved group 9 (The Mix) won!!! It was indeed a great start, our spirits were so high, we even won all the cheer fights! (thanks to Min Yi's earth-shaking voice =p)

This was during dry ice-breakers. And yup, when I was clean and dry. =p And that siao kia with me is beloved Mr Orientation President...
(btw, I was wearing the orientation t-shirt... Theme: Checkmate. I simply love the word 'pawn' there on my sleeve...lol)

This was after wet ice-breakers, with our winning cheer Hoo-Hah!!!
Supper at mamak after that, along with 'interrogating sessions'... T.T (No pics to show.)

Next on was Indoor Treasure Hunt. It was sorta complicated and challenging, especially with the presence of dark knights and dark bishops whose job are to 'take our lives'. (and seriously they did scare the life out of us by ambushing and attacking us unaware) Indoor treasure hunt was supposed to be fun, with all the clue-searching in the dark and even a chess game at the end, but somehow it didn't went well for our group. For one reason, we kena sabotaged. Our clues were nowhere to be found, some were moved out of bearing, some were torn at the edge... even more, some disappeared and magically reappeared again when we went back to search for the 2nd time... Intentional or not, I wouldn't know. But still, we'd already tried our best. At least we won our chess game, which places us in 2nd last place. Not that bad... ^_^

We did have lots of fun during the mamak session after the exhausting hunt... Thanks Justin for the "who is this?" game!

Outdoor Treasure Hunt totally compensated for it. It was carried out at the Bkt Jalil park nearby. It was loads and loads of fun...and getting dirty. Pity the guys, with their half-naked bodies smeared with oil and ink and all... what a sight for us girls... =p (no, I'm not even half as horny as ahem.. other girls in my group; you know who u are!)
Just that the raw egg with twisties part was a little disgusting. Poor MinYi, she swallowed almost 3 quarters of that, while I ate the other one quarter. Moreover the smell of raw egg lingered in my mouth for ages... eww yucks!

And again, for treasure hunt, we champed it. So all the hardship we went thru were WELL WORTH!!!^_^

Jay dipping her hand into some unknown liquid (I figured out oil, kicap, water, chili sause, dried chili, carrots...) to find a 20 cents shilling...

Passing a ??? (some kind of vege) with our feet... it's darn slippery, coated with oil and all...

Our group OO leader, Sylvester and another guy, with the epic titanic pose... lololololol...

Bracing ourselves for the maggie mee bath... (it's cooked maggi mee, plus the ajinomoto soup, diluted with cold water) *find it quite refreshing though =p*

CF station, the best station of all. It's only posing and camwhoring...(our talent...muahaha) The theme for this photo is --- Stages of Human Growth. (note the dead person at the left end..ROFL)

Poor guys, doing "facial"... (it's flour plus cucumber and other unknown substance)

Wet, dirty, but happy us... at the end of the day... =p

And on Sunday, Track Trip. Out of IMU activity, that was. Our destination were Lot 10, BB Plaza, and Pavillion. No no, not to go shopping of course, but to film videos, commercials, and camwhore according to posters around the destination. And it doesn't matter one bit to us that people kept staring as if we were some out-of-mind idiots and all. (Eh, kua ha mi kua!!! Wa lang mm si xiao gai la...)
& the best thing was, on the way back to IMU, we sang The Bachelor Boy song all the way on the LRT. Damn enthu wei...

At the start of our track trip!!!

Posing as L'oreal girls...

Imitating the Padini poster behind us... with some sporting passer-bys (the couple on the right)

Posing as Tugu Negara, in Lot 10... which got us scolded by the shop owner in the end... T.T

Normal group photo in front of Pavillion, before we head back to IMU.

************

The second week came by, mostly comprised of performance-based events. Tuesday was Dress Code. It was some screening of videos that each of the orientation groups made earlier. We were all given a specific theme, which we were asked to film a video based on it. Our group's was trailer to a horror movie. And I was the ghost. (wuuuu wuuu) It took us quite a lot of effort, getting up at 6am to film the dark deserted IMU building and PBL rooms... but the reviews for our trailer were good, we even got a standing ovation!!! Even though in the end we lost by 2 marks to the leading team, we were still pretty satisfied about our work.

The next day we had Telematch. The most physically-challenging orientation activity. And the one which we got MOST DIRTY AND STINKY AND HURT... (It was a wonder how Wei Jin and I still manage to overcome the pain and dance on the next day, considering that he hurt his knees, had leg cramps twice while I had a large piece of skin scraped off my left feet... ouch!!!)
But what's more, ahem ahem... MORE TOPLESS GUYS!!! muahahahahahaha.....

We started off clean and fresh...

Caterpillar Walk!!! Across muddy grounds summore, serious, the mud even got into my underpants! Swt...

Decorating the guys to the theme - India. Srsly I don't know why butter on the nipples have anything to do with that theme... =.=

Posing with our 'masterpieces'... =p

Maheen wanted to take a bath...

Fore-and-aft method of transporting people to the other side @ First Aid station.

Seniors VS juniors Tug Of War...

Still going strong after telematch... we rock!!!

And still right the day after, we had Variety Nite. A night of stage performances. Perhaps the best and cleanest event we ever had in the whole orientation. But the practice part for our performance was friggin' hectic. Except for the dance part I was going to do with Wei Jin (yes, we were to dance a Rumba together instead of the usual lovey-dovey actings), which we prepared 2 days ago; everything else were last-minute. We finalized the plot only around 1am on the day of V.Nite itself. Discussed, practised and painted props till 4.30am in the morning before we finally headed off to bed... totally exhausted.

But guess what, WE WON VARIETY NIGHT!!! And to be frank, V.Nite was a blast. We had the most fun ever, despite all the previous hassle and frustration due to lack of time for preparation, unsettled plots, disagrement on stuff... etc...
Thanks everyone for the hard work you guys did to make this a success!!!

The preparation... our movie theme : Pirates of The Carribean

Jack Sparrow! Wonderful props and design right?

Davy Jones, the tentacle guy... He looks less scary with weeds as tentacles... =p

Gracias everyone who had made the performance a success...

Me and my partner, Wei Jin, in one of our Rumba move... Thanks everyone who love our dance. There were still many flaws really, but I really appreciate the support you guys gave us... ^_^

Finale Nite was on Friday, the last day of orientation. Just a dinner together, to watch performance, to dance, and to announce the overall winner for the M209 Orientation-Checkmate. The theme was Back And White. And for our ever-so-creative group 9, we went dressed in Black and White alrite, but... as OLD FOLKS. While everyone else were twirling around in elegant dresses and suits, we made our grand entrance, pushed around in wheelchair, holding walking sticks or bent over, walking in slow and shakily. I never knew dressing up as old people could be THAT fun. We even had a family tree planned out for that, complete with great grandfather, bachelor uncles, old spinsters, bimbotic aunts, old couples with rebelious children, and even a mistress (which is me, but still 103 years old.. oh no.. sorry I forgot, it's 102 only..)

Taking a group photo after making our grand entrance... lolx...

Great grandfather and great grandmother competing against the other groups for the Best Dressed Award.

Funny that at the end of the night, we looked much younger, and much more energetic. (the powder on our hair & our old ppl makeup wore off...=p)

Nevertheless, it was a night to remember, as our group was crowned THE OVERALL CHAMPION for M209 Orientation - Checkmate!!! Weeeeee!!!!

Rejoycing together.

(Sorry, I don't have the photo of us receiving the hamper from Mr Presie Joash yet... will upload next time when I get it.)

Before I end, let me shout out...

I heart you , group 9!!!

Till I Can Make It On My Own

2009-09-15T21:31:00.002+08:00

Recently I'm pretty into this song. It's old really, not sure who was the original singer, but I just sorta stumbled upon the Billy Gilman's version not long ago. The lyrics captivates me a lot. And it sounds extra touching, with his kiddo voice and all. *winks*

What's more, it feels kinda like my theme song for now.. coping with my new life here. It's hard sometimes but, I'm sure I'll get on with it. I just wanna give thanks to God for blessing me with such great friends and seniors who stay with me through all these time. Not just to accompany me at times I might ever feel lonely, but to offer me advices along the way, picking me up whenever I fall, offering help whenever I need them... and yeah, till I can make it on my own.

But one thing for sure, even when I've fully adapted to life here and all in future, I won't wanna walk the rest of the way on my own. For I am happy being with you all.

I’ll need time, to get you off my mind, and I may sometimes bother you, try to be in touch with you, even ask too much of you from time to time, now and then, Lord you know I need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own.

I’ll get by, but no matter how I tried, there’ll be times you know I’ll call, chances are my tears will fall, and I’ll have no pride at all, from time to time, but they say, How there’ll be a better day, but till then I’ll lean on you, that’s all I meant to do, till I can make it on my own.

Surely someday I’ll look up and see the morning sun, without another lonely night behind me, then I know I’m over you and all my crying’s done, and no more hurting memories will find me.

But till then, Lord you know I’m gonna need a friend, till I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you, till I can make it on my own, till I can make it on my own…

And gracias again guys for being there for me. ^_^

And to you Siao Kia, (although you always call me Siao Za Bo for who-knows-whatever-reason), I feel really blessed having a senior like you. ^_^
Thanks for the help, and thanks for the books. You'd patiently (though I'm sure sometimes you might be pissed off as well...lol...) answered all my questions & concerns, even the most random ones like where is the aircond place to eat in Sri Petaling... (okay srsly that wasn't my idea, it was under my group's request.. btw, sorry for bothering you at lecture T.T)

To grp 9 ppl : Gone ady la, what's left of my reputation!!! Sob...

Anyway, it's midnite so... ciao for now, thx Lau for the internet!!!

Shattered...

2009-09-14T17:26:00.003+08:00

11.09.2009

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Everyone around me was asking me to chill. Be phlegmatic, they say. But surprisingly, I couldn’t.

It shocked me as well. I never, never used to lose my calm. Maybe this time was different. I didn’t know it meant so much to me.

I never knew.

It was not like any other feeling I remembered. It was this feeling as if the whole world came crashing down on you at that very moment. Speechless was all I could be. Maybe it would be better if I could cry. But surprisingly again, the tears just won’t come. And I just got stuck on the verge of breaking down.

It hurts. It friggin’ hurts. It stings like someone giving you a cold slap right on your face. And I so hope it could be a real slap instead. Even that might be better. At least the physical pain won’t last as long.

I never thought you would ever hurt me.

What made it a lot worse was that it wasn’t for once or twice. Four times. Yes, four. They tell me I gotta let it go. So I did. Once I did, twice I did… but I really don’t know why it kept coming back to me, time after time. Seriously, how many times can I take before I break?

So I left. I don’t want to stay another minute, I can’t bring myself to say another word, can’t even bear to have one more look.

I was afraid.

They wouldn’t understand. And I just couldn’t tell them. How could I ever tell when I myself was just as confused? This heart of mine, why oh why, even I couldn’t understand it now.

I’m shattered. But still, the tears won’t fall.

You see, this had nothing to do with you, even when everything’s about you. Maybe just between me and myself.

I really should have listened to my friends.

I’m still learning to forgive and forget.

Chaos!!!

2009-08-23T01:49:00.004+08:00

I'm still packing, and it's almost 2am. This is what'll happen when you keep everything away till the last minute.
What should I bring? What should I not bring? Need it or need it not? I'm in a dilemma now, amongst these chaos. Someone please help me get this packing done! I want my beauty sleep... T.T

Gonna head off tomorrow morning to Bukit Jalil, where I'll start my uni life. It would be pretty exciting, if not for all that had happened and this packing-mess I'm in now... Would also appreciate it if that place is less isolated, if the rental could be lower, and if there is easier access to food & other necessities... Seriously, the price of accomodations at Vista is very unreasonable, weighing the unstrategic location and bad condition of the blocks. I gotta survive by a thread with only RM700+ per month.
Neways, no use complaining, just gotta make the best out of it. ^_^

And for now, goodbye home-cooked food, goodbye my Streamyx connection, goodbye Baby Yaw Yaw, goodbye my queen-size bed, goodbye guitar, goodbye my long fingernails and goodbye black nail polish... Adíos, adíos everything and everyone.

No worries, I'll be back. So wait for me! Till then...

Sigh, back to packing... *faints*

Rest In Peace...

2009-08-20T21:31:00.003+08:00

Results day today. I almost forgot about it, if not for all the shoutouts and conversations of my friends on facebook. Many were already waiting by the computer hours ago, anticipating... It reminded me much of the SPM day where all of us were at school early, loitering around the corridor, with feelings almost similar to this. And I really really hate these type of anticipation and suspense... Argh!!!

But I didn't get to check my results until much later.

I had a funeral to attend in the morning. OMG a funeral. For my uncle who passed away yesterday, due to cardiac arrest. No one expected this to happen, I mean, he wasn't old enough to die. It was shocking news to us. It was said that he was playing badminton with his friends, and when he sat down to rest, he just... died.

And just as funerals are, it was depressing, sad, and gloomy. My uncle's family weren't Christians, so they had a traditional Chinese funeral, with rituals, chants, and joss-sticks. We helped folding paper money for the dead. I watched my cousins performing rituals after rituals, with red-rimmed eyes, and tear-stained cheeks... it was heart-breaking, really. Hard as it is for all of us who lost a relative, it sure is double the pain to lose your own father.

They cloud of sorrow stayed on later at the cremation centre. It was the first time I'd ever been there, but I wish I never had to. There were rows of rooms equiped with furnaces, and there were tracks for the coffins to be rolled into the furnace... It was sorta, just like a factory. Everything was so... business-like. Made me wonder how lifeless could the dead be. *dunno if you get what I mean*

Neways, there was this one other family beside ours at the centre, performing the last ritual. And the one thing that caught my attention was that their coffin wasn't just like any other I'd ever seen. It was... small. Unmistakably a child's coffin. Such a devasting sight.
Why oh why?
Children were supposed to be running about; playing with toy cars, dolls and balls; putting off their homeworks for tomorrows which are sure to come; enjoying a dance class or two; talking about what they will be in future; waiting impatiently to grow up... And not lying cold and lifeless in tiny coffins.
No, no, no...

Rest in peace, uncle. Rest in peace, child. Let the families get over the grief of losing their loved ones, I pray. Bless my aunt and my cousins, guide them through this tough period of life. Father, grant us all from now on, more of joy and less of sorrow I pray. Have mercy. Amen.

And dear Father, thanks for my results.

Szomorú Vasárnap

2009-08-17T18:03:00.006+08:00

So I had promised to talk about Gloomy Sunday yesterday... which for whatever reason it was, I didn't want to talk about since yesterday was a Sunday. *ignore this idk what I'm crapping*

Well, for a start, it's positively one of my all-time-favourite song. I've never heard any other song like this. Yes, it's extremely beautiful, even when it's painful. Can't even say it's sad, it's something way beyond boundaries that word could ever reach.

Oh, the lyrics...!
No wonder it was dubbed the Hungarian suicide song in the US. It was said to have inspired hundreds of suicide cases, even including the song composer himself, Rezső Seress. To the extend that the song had to be banned in some places... Sort of meta-legend. *idk, believe it or not*

According to Wiki, the song was composed based on a Hungarian poem "Szomorú Vasárnap", in which the singer mourns the untimely death of a lover and contemplates suicide.

This is the literal English translation of the poem...

Gloomy Sunday with a hundred white flowers
I was waiting for you my dearest with a prayer
A Sunday morning, chasing after my dreams
The carriage of my sorrow returned to me without you
It is since then that my Sundays have been forever sad
Tears my only drink, the sorrow my bread...

Gloomy Sunday

This last Sunday, my darling please come to me
There'll be a priest, a coffin, a catafalque and a winding-sheet
There'll be flowers for you, flowers and a coffin
Under the blossoming trees it will be my last journey
My eyes will be open, so that I could see you for a last time
Don't be afraid of my eyes, I'm blessing you even in my death...

The last Sunday

**************

And here is the beautifully depressing song lyrics.

Sunday is gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not when the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday

Gloomy is Sunday
with shadows I spend it all,
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know,
But let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go...
Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming,
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of my heart
Dear,
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

*author is not in any way responsible for any suicide or depression caused by the contents of this post...*
Happy appreciating the beauty of this song, everyone. ^_^

So I'm Already Gone

2009-08-16T22:19:00.010+08:00

Reviews again! So here's for Week 7...

x Have fun. Yeah, loads of great fun with everyone. (Yeah. Buckets and buckets of fun. Had them all kept asking for me even before I got there; had nice chats; laughed at jokes; had a last admirational look at the pretty dance shoes in The Shoes Book, as we all call it; Zili finally came back & danced the Rumba routines with me for the last time; had some tiring Jive; did double spins in the warm-ups; Edwin belanja sweets; Sifu fetched me home... )

One thing to note, I even got the keys from Sifu and went up to the dark-dusty-abandoned 3rd floor(attic) of the building just for a fun adventure, alone. I'm really sorry I spent too long up there till I made everyone worried and sent Zili and Joey up to check on me x.x

It was real cool there. Almost exactly like those abandoned flat units we saw in horror movies, minus the ghost. There were even rooms with spider webs all over the door handles, mouldy balcony, water-marks on the ceiling, a table and chairs covered with dust, loads of old stuff piled up in a corner, and a white board with these words scribbled on it...

Lolololol... you'd thought it was something like HELP ME or I WILL KILL YOU rite? Nah, don't let your imaginations run too wild. ^_^ But I really love the verse --- YOU CAN WALK, YOU CAN DANCE!!! *there's even a chinese version below there...*
I wonder if it was another of Sifu's theory. But it's pretty inspiring! I wonder why is that whiteboard stacked away in the dark dusty attic, cuz if it was to be hung outside the studio door, guess it will give many people the courage and confidence to take up dancing!!!

Maybe it was purposely hidden so far away and only people who are adventurous enough to go up the dark and heavily-blocked staircase will find it. As usually lessons of life can't be learnt the easy way mar... *this hypothesis of mine isn't really possible*
Anyway, another lesson learnt from the trip to the attic!!! ^_^

x Give my best for everything, routines or warm-ups. (Sure I did! Routines still weren't perfect, still lotta stumble and flaws. Still sorry Zili for being a lousy partner... But no regrets, for I'd already tried my best. Just that I need to be better. I'll work on it, even when I'm gone. Promise.)

x Give that song lyrics for little Xiu Xin as I'd already promised. (I'm not one who breaks promises easily.)

x Accept Sifu's car-ride back home. This might be the last time I'll ever be on her cute-cutely decorated car... *awww... emo emo!!!* (Thanks for the car-ride again, Sifu! And all the car-rides in the past. I still remember all the laughs and chats we had in the car-rides home since last time. The things that you told me, life lessons you taught me, questions that you asked me, advices that you gave me... For everything, thank you again, so much. You're awesome! And just as I'd always told you, once my Sifu, forever my Sifu!!! I'll miss you so.)

x Say goodbye and hope to meet you again someday to everyone. (T.T)

******* ******* *******

Carino's right, it's always hard to say goodbye. One more week before I'm leaving Ipoh and this life that I had for the past 2 months. For a new phase of life, still pretty much unknown, ahead.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Yes, we were.
There got to be changes in life. Not that I dislike them, but sometimes, there's just part of me that doesn't want anything to change, because I'm happy with life as it is now. I love life as it is now.

You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go

Sometimes, the only thing left that is right is to let go. Who knows if better things are to come?

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go

This time, I'm the one.

Just a word I wanna change here:
There IS moving on
So i'm already gone

I'm moving on. But not forgetting, these memories.

I'll be back. Wait for me.

Picture credits to Ok4mi
Btw, thanks Kelly.

Week 7 - Gloomy is Sunday

2009-08-15T21:47:00.006+08:00

16th of August (Sunday) ----- 2.35 a.m.

And again, another week goes by. Trying to stall time is almost as grasping threads of wind with my bare hands. Not that I didn't like the prospect of going to uni soon, but still, there is this lazy part of Jiyi who wishes her holiday (and dance classes with Sifu) could last on till forever. *lol... I'm hopeless*

Tomorrow's gonna be my last dance class. Expectations? There sure are many but I can't really think of them now with this tired mind of mine... Guess I'll leave that for later? *typical my-style-procrastinating* Just one thing, I wish I'll have a great time. Sure do!
..............
..............
..............
There's still stuff I wanna blog about but... I'm so tired I can't really think straight now...
So... nighty nitez!

*******

16th of August (Sunday) ----- 12.15 pm

So I had only just woke up about an hour ago... *yawnn*
Sleeping late = waking up late... Seriously, I gotta get my life back on track.

But now, checklist for Week 7!

_ Have fun. Yeah, loads of great fun with everyone.
_ Give my best for everything, routines or warm-ups.
_ Give that song lyrics for little Xiu Xin as I'd already promised.
_ Accept Sifu's car-ride back home. This might be the last time I'll ever be on her cute-cutely decorated car... *awww... emo emo!!!*
_ Say goodbye and hope to meet you again someday to everyone.

Notice that I didn't really put as much stress on myself about routines and all as the past weeks? Well I guess, for once, dancing seems not so important as spending some precious moments with people that I'll miss when I leave...

I'll miss I'll miss I'll miss...

*******

For Sundays like these, it doesn't help when Gloomy Sunday is playing over and over again on my playlist. T.T

OMG, it's like the most beautifully painfully sad song I'd ever heard. Seriously, it sends chills down my spine... brrr...

Why? You'll know, but I'm gonna leave this for later too. I'm hungry now. Time for lunch!!! lolololol....

P/S: Happy 16th, Carino!!!

Week 6 - Failed...!

2009-08-10T17:38:00.008+08:00

One routine done. Only one more lesson to go. Seriously, I really don't feel like saying goodbye just yet. Actually, I never will.

Sentiments aside, I think I failed Week 6. Sobzzz sobzzzzz.....T.T
Let me review my checklist, and you'll know why.

x Get my heel protectors! (Yup, got a pair of P-2s!)

_ Work on my confidence. (You'll know why I failed this after you read on.)

_ Work on those feet. Especially balancing. (Gone are the balance...!!! Extra long spinning warm-ups made our heads spin like hell, poor YiWen had to hold on to the barre, another gal crossed my track & almost crashed into me, and I almost crashed into the mirrors...)

_ Work on postures and lines. Arm extensions, in particular. (I tell you, my lines were HORRIBLE!!! Those feet, I can't seems to ever get them right... *sobs*)

_ And again, don't look at feet! KEEP HEAD UP!!! (Unavoidable as I need to check on my feet which are often out of position... *sobbing even louder*)

_ Get a hang of the routines faster. At least same pace with the seniors. (The fact that I didn't cross this out is pretty much self-explanatory. *nearing breakdown* )

_ Don't get teased or scolded by Sifu. (Like I will never get bashings after all the mistakes and failures above?!! Fat chances! I wasn't the only one but still, that thought never helped one bit. Sorry I dissapointed you, Sifu.)

Yup, THAT CRAP was Week 6.
And yup, you've seen right, I had only 1 out of 7 crossed x out in my entire checklist.
And that one single thing was like, get heel protectors? How hard could that be?

*******
And very unlucky for us, there was a minor incident. The studio's power fuse was burnt midway through our lesson. When we were doing our centre point warm-ups to some music, suddenly the music went off and the whole place went black. T.T
So for the rest of the lesson, we had to dance in the "dark", without music too. It should be kinda romantic, if not for the heat that M'sia The Tropical Country is well known for. Man, we were perspiring mad thru the routines.

But still, that was no excuse for my failure. I should've worked harder. One thing, I didn't give in my fullest effort for that day, which is what I should be blamed for. I'm sorry, really sorry. Promise it won't happen again next time.

*******
When I went to get my heel protectors from Sifu, she sat on the floor helping me fit them in, when another gal asked her if she can have a pair too. Sifu said no, you hadn't had much acheivements yet. The gal was perplexed, why not? And I too was quizzical. So I asked her, huh?!! Then, do I? And she answered, well, a little!

I didn't know if she was joking or not. I couldn't see her face. Seriously I had always thought I was the worst in the entire class, since the rest of the students have at least more than one year of experience. Does Sifu really think that I had improved a little? I thought I was always a dissapointment. You may think, what's the big deal about such a mere comment? But you wouldn't know, how much it meant to me. You see, very rarely Sifu ever gives decent comments about everyone, and when she does, you sure should be real happy. Now you get me?

Neways, I know for sure that I'm still not up to standard yet. And looking from the way Week 6 went, I know that I'm not even close. Sifu used to advise me never to give what I'd learnt all back to her when I leave, and I'll hang on to that advise. I remember there was this other senior who told me the same thing, once you stop, you have to keep all da techniques persistent with you.. if not, you're gonna loose them someday!

*No worries, Jiyi will keep that in mind.*

Week 7 will be my last week there. I pray that it'll be much better. If not, I really won't be able to forgive myself.
Note to self: Have to work on the Rumba Roll that took me so long to figure out..*dummy me*

But for now, can I have some California Sushi Roll and Ebiko please??? Awww... I'm craving for you... scrumptilicious!!!!

August Rush

2009-08-09T00:08:00.003+08:00

Zoom! And hereby announcing the arrival of the 2nd week of August! Awww mann, why do time wanna past so fast huh? Tomorrow, well, today actually, will be my 2nd last lesson with Sifu. God knows when I can be back again. Awww...Nostalgic!

I'm so gonna miss them all.
The lessons which are a drill but enjoyable all the same, the studio which is almost comfy like home, the talkative students who are normally quite hyperactive but great dancers, the pretty-gentle-loving Sifu whose wit and quirk can never be challenged, her friendly husband who smiles all the time, equally friendly and cute Ah Nee Aunty who's most fun to be around with, the parquette floor which often have pieces of wood coming off and glued back on, the long tall mirrors which is often 'stained' by kid's fingerprints, the solid steel barre which acts as our trusted 'partner' when there aren't enough boys, the comfy coach with all those huggable little cushions...
Just so many things I won't forget there.

Why oh why shall I have to leave? But that's the way the story goes. Just as the many times I used to leave and ask this same question over and over again... However unlike those last times, this time, I'm not quite sure when I'll be back. You know the holidays in IMU... ain't really sufficient actually.

Guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed and hope it won't be that long a wait.

In the meantime... checklist for week 6!

_ Get my heel protectors!
_ Work on my confidence.
_ Work on those feet. Especially balancing.
_ Work on postures and lines. Arm extensions, in particular.
_ And again, don't look at feet! KEEP HEAD UP!!!
_ Get a hang of the routines faster. At least same pace with the seniors.
_ Don't get teased or scolded by Sifu.

Any hopes of getting them all crossed off ASAP?
Anyway, I still remember the theory---hush hush, don't rush!!!
So I'll just give in my best, and we'll see... ^_^

I wonder... and I've learnt

2009-08-03T15:57:00.005+08:00

Even as a child I had been curious.
I used to wonder why the leaves are green, why the sky is blue.
Why the children can be so happy, why the adults can be so moody.
Why the kind old man next door always had a lot of visitors in his house, why the grumpy aunty down the street was always lonely.

And as I grow older, sometimes I wonder how this world came to be.
I wonder how God works, and how Satan works in this world.
I wonder how mankind on this earth, could be so different from each other.

And today. I'll talk about people. Yes, those class-A mammals/homo sapiens/complex beings with even complex mind/sinners... whatever you call them.

Throughout my 19 years of life, I've seen people. Lots and lots of people. Different people. And there are people I forgot, people I treasure, people who are worthy and unworthy. It might come out harsh, but still, UNWORTHY... what else could subtly describe that precisely? Perdón for my lack of vocabulary.

*******

I wonder how some people demand for respect when they themselves are not respecting others at all. Que ironia ven? Sadly funny, in a way. I always believe that respectable people will gain respect automatically. They don't even need to DEMAND for it if they proved themselves worthy.

The act itself is sometimes, as evil blow itself up in a pale parody of the human being, which only made us giggle like children at their foolish pomposity.
Why so?
Imprudente.

*******

I used to be sympathetic for outcasts, but I guess I gotta re-evaluate my notion. I'd came to see that there must be a reason to that. And very often, reasons that speak for themselves. Like there's this little mirror reflecting everyone's heart, if you take the time to read them, it's all pretty much self-explanatory.

~~~
Now I know why Sifu is so pretty. Her beauty comes from within. Reflected on that little mirror, I think. Brings radiance to her face.

And one thing, she never brags much.

Unlike some.

*******

When I was young, there was this counting song that every kindergarten kid knew by heart, "Ten Green Bottles"...
"So many!!!" my little cousin will say. Yeah, diez!!! It's all of your fingers together, kiddo!
That was then, you could when you're five years old.
But then again, now I'd seen some people who just never learnt to grow up. Lástima en ellos.

Dissapointing.

*******
Schadenfreude. Yes, haven't you met one before?

*******

Lesson learnt---Never to believe in anyone, except those who LOVE you. Not like, not close, not anything. Just love. Love that takes no account of sacrifices. Takes no account of anything.
And to be frank, there just ain't many out there.

One thing I'd say, life's lessons aren't normally enjoyable to learn. Unlike dance lessons. ^_^

*******
It's Monday again.
Yesterday's lesson was a drill. Yup, Sifu's back. No more chit-chatting or lazing around the barre. But I'm happy that Sifu's finally back.

Dumped our routine yesterday. Instead, we had warm-ups, that's what Sifu call them. I guess it's some new techniques she learnt from her 2-week China trip. Wow, and sure enough, some drilling it was!!! Techniques for cucuracha/hip movements, directions, centre point, Rhumba walk and all those spinning and twisting... continuous 10 minutes for each training. It was alright for the others, but imagine spinning for 10 minutes! We were stopping, bumping into each other and crossing tracks at 8 minutes. Were seeing stars and slumped to the floor at the end of the song.

So much for improving over the 2 weeks. Sifu was devasted. So it's the same dose of teasing, fired at almost everyone. Lolx.. at least, I wasn't the only one.

And we had a great time. Had great chats. Dance is a blessing. You are a blessing.

I think that for every bad that we had in our lives, we'll have good too.

God looks after His children. God gives us what is best for us.
God is fair. God is good. Amen!

And again, I've learnt.

Checklist :

2009-07-26T23:06:00.004+08:00

x Don't scream when performing the drop at the end of the routine.
(Yup, got tat pretty well done! I can even extend my left hand, turn my head and uhh... smile!)

x Don't get teased or scolded again today.
(Finally! But Sifu wasn't here so... can't be too optimistic yet.)

x Look!!!!! at your partner!!!
(Thanks Zili, you're a great partner!)

x Do the 180 degrees spin smoothly.
(Can still do it today. I even got straighter at my double spins!)

_ SMILE!!! Don't look like everyone owes you money!
(Wasn't satisfied with my smile, cuz it was more like tensed curl of my lips, especially during the pair by pair accessment... T.T)

_ Move more steadily and confidently, don't sway and swagger.
(Well, guess I was steadier this time, but still, there's room for improvement, so I'll KIV for this part...)

_ Don't look at feet!!! KEEP HEAD UP!!!
(Better than last time. But I did too occasionally looked down, so I gotta be strict to myself, and ban crossing this out until I TOTALLY DID NOT look down unnecessarily.)

Sifu isn't back yet today. She'll be away for 2 weeks, Ah Nee aunty told me. Aww... I miss her. Ah Nee aunty is great too, but I still love Sifu the most. I won't mind listening ONCE to "Love Song Of XiZhang" if only she could be back.
But guess I could only wait till next week to see her again.

In the meantime, I'll strive to make the last 3 cuts of my checklist. And for more to come next week. Think I'll give myself till next Sunday to perfect my split.

Gonna be off to sleep now. Gruelling starts tomorrow. Gotta be ready for the pain... ^_^

Como Ama Una Mujer

2009-07-26T14:11:00.007+08:00

Cuando te encuentras conmigo a solas

Y tengo tanto para decirte
en lo que quieras yo voy a seguirte
*No hablemos nada oye el silencio
es el lenguaje de nuestros cuerpos
Y a veces pienso que apareciste
para mostrarme que el amor existe*

Tu, todo tu
Siempre tu
Todo tu.

On a side note, I bet this'll gotta make a nice choreograph...!

*Let nothing be heard, the silence
is the language of our bodies;
And sometimes I think you appear,
to show me that love exists.*

Captivating, really captivating. And I mean, everything. Guess what's on my playlist? All-time favs -Tu and Como Ama Una Mujer by none other than, mi esposa. Mi amada esposa.
Oh Jenny, Jenny... why could you always captivate my heart?

*Quizas porque tan solo he sido una
Que ha sido enamorada de la luna
Tan solo eso ha sido mi pecado
El de seguir mi corazon a todos lados
Seguir mi loco corazon a todos lados

Y he amado como ama una mujer
Que ve en su hombre el paraiso...*

Beautiful. It's beautiful. It touches the depths of my soul. I wonder if I had gotten much more sentimental than I already was these days, but really, which other dummy cries watching SYTYCD? I guess it's only me.

Me who cries like a woman.
Me who loves like a woman.
Well, I'm (going-to-be-not-yet-but-soon) a woman.

*Maybe because I had been so alone,
Whom had only been in love with the moon;
So was my only sin
to follow my heart to all directions,
To follow my crazy heart everywhere.

And I loved like how a woman loves,
who sees paradise in her man...*

So you got what I mean by beautiful?

*******

Neways, updates. I've been catching up with SYTYCD Season 5 lately. There's so much emotion going on in the show!!! It's like the nicest production I've ever watched, seriously. There's dance, there's out-of-this-world skills and talents, there's love, there's passion, there's drama, there's lessons and values...
I see people. Lots and lots of people. Different people. Black people, white people, growing people, never-give-up people, rude people, cannot-take-critism people, guys with long hair, gals with shaved heads, big boys who cries, young ladies who stick together...
Inspiring. Sat watching with gaping mouth at what a dancer really is.

Back to my feet, I know I still have a long way to go. Maybe never gonna make it like them. Maybe never gonna touch the sky. I started late, and one mistake is able to last forever. But you see, the best is not about reaching the heights, it's about still hanging on even though you know you might never gonna reach it.

"I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself." ~ Mikhail Baryshnikov

And so shall I. ^_^

*******

Gotta go. Dance class starting in an hour's time, and I don't wanna be late. Hope Sifu's already back from China. And hope she wouldn't play that "Love Song Of XiZhang" for us to dance to today. Believe me, it's the worst song to go with Rhumba. =.=

Checklist for today:
x Don't scream when performing the drop at the end of the routine.
_ Don't get teased or scolded again today.
_ Look!!!!! at your partner!!! (if you were assigned one today)
x Do the 180 degrees spin smoothly.
_ SMILE!!! Don't look like everyone owes you money!
_ Move more steadily and confidently, don't sway and swagger.
_ Don't look at feet!!! KEEP HEAD UP!!!

Wish I can check the rest off ASAP. Pray for me.

P/S: Cariño, mi ángel de la guarda, te extraño mucho mucho.

La tuya.

A Little Before Goodnight

2009-07-09T21:40:00.005+08:00

So, it's like the ???th week after the day I left INTEC. Seriously I have no idea. Was it the 3rd? Or 4th?

Totally lost track of time. Externals seems like centuries ago. FINE!!! Not that I wanted to be constantly reminded about it too. Let it hibernate with the dinosaurs, as far as I'm concerned. It's almost as scary as dinos anyway, well, on second thought, SCARIER.

Guess I'd better enjoy my life to the fullest before it gets miserable... *which I prayed hard it won't*

movies, MOVIES, mov-iiieeeees!!!!

I'd been watching oh-so-many movies, reality shows, TVB dramas... these days.
Mornings are for Berniceeeeee, JLOooooo... oh my wifey(s)...!!!

Afternoons are for SYTYCD season 5 - *who's going to be America's next favourite dancer?* ( C'mon get your tickets, you're going to VEGASSSSSSS!!!!!!)
It gets me really hyped too, seeing people getting hyped over all the VEGAS-hoo-hah. But mom was like :"Why so hyped? It's not YOU who's going to Vegas!"
(yeah, I know but, talk about slapping cold water on your face!)

So since I'm not going to Vegas, nights are for shopping-online-skyping-eating supper-daydreaming-reading-eating junk food-sleeping..... zzz...zzzZZZZ

Actually I should be blogging about my lovely Sarawak trip, but I find it quite a tremendous work to do for now, so I guess I'll leave it for another post...okie? Sorry folks!
But here's an insight --- It'll mostly be about yummy yummy food, cheap cheap stuff and nice, friendly people!!!

So I'll talk about the anniversary dinner and dance instead. It's just as amazing as last year's. I guess better. The senior students are getting better and better over the year. (Despite all the pre-performance hassle; like someone forgetting to bring costumes, forgetting what costume they were supposed to wear or someone losing his shoes...well, kids are kids.) I guess Sifu will surely be proud of them. I am too.
And the costumes are ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC this year!!! So shimmery and colourful!!! Beads, sequins, furs, feathers... you name it, they have it. I was the one assigned to be in charge of the costumes, so I get to have a good look and touch of them. ^_^
Sifu's designs and handwork are getting more and more amazing. Yup, all the costumes are made/co-made by her, so she's like dancer-teacher-designer-children caretaker... Well, I can only say... WOW!!!

Watching people dance is one thing, dancing myself is another. One is pure enjoyment, the other is enjoying while ahem, struggling. Why the struggle? It's to get these rusty old bones back on track. That's the thing about discontinuous dancing, you get rusty and you gotta work it all over again from square one.
Moreover, I'm now in some advanced class?!!! Well, initially I wasn't supposed to be in that class. But under some circumstances which are too complicated for me to describe, I ended up in the uh... advanced class, with the seniors who are oh-so-pro, and routines that I'd never learnt before... *Oh, I feel darn inferior!!! and useless... sob...*

Well, I know I need a lot of hard work to keep up with them. And hard work shall it be. I don't know how many times had I said this, but really, I won't give up. Why should I? When Sifu herself didn't give up on me. Only that she often laugh and tease me... bu bu bu... T.T

Gotta get better next lesson. I don't want to be FREQUENTLY teased again, although I'm not the only one who got teased... Lolx.. typical of Sifu. It's her way of communicating with us, lolx... cute!

Time to say bubie for now!!! I'll leave you with...

Forever And Always

2009-06-17T01:38:00.004+08:00

It's 2 am now.
2 more papers to go;
my batteries are running low.

It's draining all of me...

You seems really tired lately.
I guess your batteries are running low too.
I'll drain all the energy I have left for you, if it could lift your spirits up again...

Went dancing again today. Alone, as always. This might be the last time I'll ever dance in Akasia's badminton hall.

I'm gonna miss it a lot when I leave.
Gonna miss the tall row of mirrors, smooth grey floor and carpeted little stage at the corner.

It's the place that I used to go, seeking solace.
The next best thing I'd found here.

I stayed there for more than 2 hours, repeating routine after routine. It's strange that they didn't tire me out today. Maybe I was just too absorbed, it even made me forget how weary I am, until much later anyway.
It's a good thing no one's there playing badminton, it's always like this during exam period. I could have the whole hall all to myself. ^_^

My personal dance studio for the very last time.

You told me most of the Blackpool dancers are married couples. Yea typical. But I kinda find it really sweet and romantic.

I believe that dancing do cultivate love.
Just as I always believe that dances will only come to life if there is love.

How nice. Husband and wife, with the same passion and aim.

Taylor Swift's "Forever And Always" is oh-so-heartbreaking.
Apparently it was the song she wrote after her painful breakup with Joe Jonas. (according to the press)
Sound like she'll never believe in forever and always anymore.

Baby, what happened? Please tell me
'Cause one second it was perfect
Now you're halfway out the door

And I stare at the phone and he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said, forever and always

Oh, and it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong
It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always

you didn't mean it baby

Now I see.
Some broken-hearted people write songs.
Some broken-hearted people cry.
And some broken-hearted people bite themselves...

No they ain't mad. Just hurt...

I love "The Best Day". It's pure and sweet. And inspiring. A song she wrote for her mum. At least not all her songs are about boys.. lolx.

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

One day, I'll write a song for you too, mum.

It's 2 am. I'm holding Yaw Yaw in my arms. It's warmer with him here. Like part of your warmth is here with me, even when you are thousands of miles away.
So I hugged on tighter.

I pray that you are warm and snug too,
sleeping peacefully in your bed through the autumn night.

I wish I could go back to the dance again. And make it last forever.
Back to the days of blue sweater and little black skirt.
Wet pants under the little fragile umbrella. And yet big enough smiles. Rainbow smiles.

*lolx... I'm so random...*

Some people do still believe in forever and always -
Dummy me. ^_^

Don't ask me why I do. I just do.
My love for you could last forever and always...

Was... Is...

2009-05-31T02:00:00.005+08:00

华文，好久没用了。都快要忘记怎么写了。唉唉……

多久，没有写周记了。曾经很坚持过，每每写得手也发痛。
那些早已过去的日子。就这么一年又一年了。

师父说得对，一年真的可以改变很多东西。一年那么长，而人啊，往往又那么善变。

有些东西都已好久没有提起。
不再了，便不是了。没关系，现在都已不再重要了。其实也许还是没有改变的，只是我在变。

有些感觉都已变质。
有时因为懂了太多；也是因为懂得太少。可又有谁没有年轻单纯愚昧过呢？

现在终也明白，很多人事物，原来放下了，真的是退一步海阔天空。

放下了，心如止水。

原来早已逃开了枷锁。因为心有了免疫呀。

我觉得我长大了。很庆幸我长大了。

I was a dreamer, but now I keep my feet back on the ground again...

我不会再回头看。只有往前望。我那珍贵的有你手心珍而重之；挽扶我的手有亲爱的父。若果幸福都已来了，我怎还需惧怕？

我前方还有好多好多未来。一定还有好多好多美好。

那么……别了, 往事。

Angels and Fairies

2009-05-23T14:04:00.005+08:00

I tell you, I'm so jobless. Shouldn't be, since I'm not on vacation or watsoever now, I'm on a study week...OMG, STUDY WEEK!!! And I'm more like holiday-ing...

Been wondering what level I am actually in. To be frank, I have no idea about it. Well, it's understandable though actually, cause it's not like I have any systematic syllabus to stick to in my studio.

But I'd pretty much figured out that I'm Bronze. Maybe not silver yet, though I do know just a little of the syllabus in Silver. Not beginner's either... *I hope...no I'm not that noob...>.<*

And again, somewhere caught in between... Wonder why is it always like this???

Geee, why am I here wondering what level I am in, when the only level I have to worry about now is my A-LEVELS!!!

Loco loco loco...!!! Think I'm going loco... T.T

*Michael Wentink and Beata were awesome in their WSSDF 2002 & WSSDF 2004 Samba!!!*
*Michael wore rugged jeans for WSSDF 2004!!! (=.=) but I ADORE Beata's colourful sleeves, made her look like some flower fairy!!! *

Beata always have real great costumes...

Here's the only photo of the show that I found...

Btw, love Declan!!!

*All the sweet honey from above, pour it all over me sweet love...*
*sometimes I wish I were an angel, sometimes I wish I were you...*

*love of my life, don't leave me, you've taken my heart, and now you desert me...*
*would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven...*

And to you,

Standing in the light of your Halo, I got my angel now... ^_^

The same passion

2009-05-17T16:41:00.006+08:00

Been such a long time I hadn't blogged.
Not that I didn't have the time. I practically spent most of my time online, and procrastinating; despite the exams going on full steam...

*should slap myself for that >.<*

But the Blackpool, Russia Open, Grand Slam, WSS Festival... were all soooooo exciting I couldn't take my eyes off them. Ended up spending a few hours every night just watching with mouth gaping at Carmen Vincelj & Bryan Watson, Yulia & Ricardo Cocchi, Michael Wentink & Beata...etc... executing their excellent footwork on the Floor... *was practically drooling OMG*

It's always an amazing thing streaming latin dance videos. I do watch other dance comps too, other than the Professional's category. From Bronze to Amateur; Junior to Senior... they never fail to captivate me.

The same dances; Cha Cha, Rumba, Samba, Paso Doble and Jive; but so very different dancers.

Some dancers are dramatic and more expressive, like Carmen.
Some dancers are downright HOT, like Yulia.
Some dancers are really skillful, like Joanne and Beata.
Some dancers have lightning speed, like Michael and Ricardo.
Some male dancers have excellent hips movements, like Bryan.

And more,
Some people acknowledge the spectators humbly; some acknowledge them pridefully.
Some male dancers present their partners to the applausing crowd; some steal her limelight.
Some dancers have costumes that are so lovely I wish I could have them too; some dancers wear costumes that made me laugh.
Some people are near perfect, some people stumble.
But I know that all the dancers were trying their best as they presented their dances.

Sometimes I wonder how much effort they put into their practise before the moment of glam and glory. I guess all of them did make quite a lot.

And sometimes I wonder how would I look like if I were ever in a dance comp. What would I wear, who would I dance with...
*Hope I won't be one of those who stumble and drop out >.<*
One thing I know, I'll surely be happy. It's always my dream, my passion.
I'll surely do my best too. Just like everyone else did. ^_^

*yeah, I'm still striving hard for my dream... I've only been learning discontinuously for 4 months to be exact, I know I still got a long way to go, but I'm not gonna give up. *

So, the dancers might have different routines, different costumes, different level of skills, come from different countries, different skin colour, some might win, some might lose, some are young, some are older, some are confident, some are nervous, some are beginners, some are professionals.....
But one thing I know about all the thousands of dancers out of the hundreds of dance comp videos I'd streamed --- they all have the same passion towards latin dancing, which was what brought them there in the very first place.
*A big salute for all the dance lovers out there!!! ^_^*

Okay, enough of analysing dance comps I watched, gotta get back to nerding... =.=
Biology W2, Statistics 1 and Chemistry Practical 6A next week.
Wish me luck!!!

Fragments of thoughts...

2009-04-28T00:23:00.003+08:00

I hate smokers. But there are lots of them around. Puffing away at Pak Li. Bothering me, didn't stay there long.
No need to pity them smokers if they got lung cancer... >.<

Akasia line was down for 3 days. *unbearable* Luckily now it's back. So i'mma continue blogging. ^_^

I'm jobless.
It's too hot here. I can't pay attention to nerding. Interview's coming. And I haven't really done anything.

*what to wear, what to wear?* Haha... I told you I am jobless...

Last week, I lost my umbrella, was left in the wet rain.
Drenched.
Dripping love...

Streaming Blackpool Finals in Youtube. Yulia's hot & Carmen's great. Excelente!
Jive was amazingly fast.. Such speed... *wow*

I hope someday I could be like them...
*even half like them is enough...>.<*

Comps at the end of this year? ^__^ Hopefully.
Crossing my fingers and praying hard.

And now alone in the silence of the night, lost in silent thoughts...
42-day Cruise... Cherry Blossom Festival...
How interesting! Woulda love it so, if only it could come true.

And London and Paris and Barcelona and Las Vegas and Genting Highlands...

I'll be waiting... Bearing hopes and dreams of mine ......

4511 - 3197

Good night, carino.

I'm sure you are asleep by now. *grins*
Sleep tight...

What are people going to do?

2009-04-20T16:36:00.003+08:00

Using both positive and negative characteristics, describe what six people are going to do and what they are doing: a woman, a man, a girl, a boy, you and me. Ex. The man is going to buy a car. The woman is not buying flowers.

El hombre va a viajar en el automóvil. No va a caminar. No va a ir en la bicicleta tambien.

La mujer y la niña están en la mesa. La mujer va a comer, no está comiendo. Pero la niña no va a comer, está satisfecha.

El niño no va a jugar, está enfermo. Así que el está durmiendo en la cama.

Tengo el cabello corto ahora. Espero tener el cabello largo en el futuro.

¿Qué vas a hacer? Voy a sentarme en el sofá. No voy a correr, estoy cansada.

¿Qué va a hacer ella? Ella va a comprar un libro y leerlo en la mesa marrón.

Te voy a subir por la escalera. No estás parado en la escalera.

¿Qué va a hacer él? El va a comprar las flores rojas en la caja por el esposo. El espera el esposo esta feliz.

No te voy a escribir sobre la mesa, voy a leer un periódico en la silla.

*Seeking help from Pro people again!!! Anyone can review for me? You who just finished your Spanish test... can help help? Thanks a lotta ya! *

Jiyi is working hard on her Spanish...
Y bailar tambien!!!